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on writers block: the voices

14

Welcome to my mind

(Empty though it may be…)



Nuthin: Well guys, its that time again, we need a couple thousand semi coherent words worth sharing…what’ya got?

Semper Salax: I vote sex.

Nuthin: **rolls eyes** Sal, you always vote sex

Semper Salax: and you always shut me down, why do you hate me

Nuthin: Come on, we’re running a family show here…lets dont bring it down to that level. Does anyone have an idea other than sex?

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Semper Manic: I like wolf t-shirts

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Semper Salax: Show of hands, who likes sex

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**all raise hands**

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Semper Salax: See!?! Now tell me why we cant do sex?

Nuthin: Padre, didnt you have some funny stories about our kids you were gonna include in our next blog?

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Semper Padre: Yeah…no. They seem really funny at the time but when you think about it later, its mostly those “you had to be there” kind of stories.

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Nuthin: Nothing?

Semper Padre: Well there was this one about our nephew…

Nuthin: OK, shoot

Semper Padre: Well, he was getting his diaper changed the other day and he farted. It surprised him and his eyes got real big and he asked ” Is that the choo choo?”.

Nuthin: Yeah. That was cute…but I dont think anyone cares, other than his parents and maybe you. Lets forget about that one.

Semper Padre: I told ya.

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Semper Salax: Ya gotta have sex to make nephews…so I vote sex.

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Semper Ebrius: So if you have sex with your sister-in-law, would the offspring be nephews and nieces? or sons and daughters?

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Semper Salax: It depends on if she is good looking or not.

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Nuthin: How does that…nevermind. We are not going to blog about sex, end of discussion. Besides all of our sister-in-laws are currently MARRIED…and to our brothers no less, so lets not even go there.

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Semper Salax: Not to mention that they are all ugly as hell, how could we have let our brothers pick such awful wives?

Nuthin: We could do a blog on interesting quotes?

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Semper Fatalis: Please dont make me want to kill you.

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Nuthin: Where is that quote from?

Semper Fatalis: No. I meant it literally.

Nuthin: Oh. Hostility much Fatalis?

Semper Fatalis: Fuck you Nuthin, you suck.

Nuthin: Moving on…

Semper Salax: How about weird sexual fetishes.

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Nuthin: NO

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Semper Salax: Like that one where they do that thing with feet and toes…

Nuthin: **shudder** The last thing in the world I want is anyones tongue on my toes.

Semper Salax: No, that OTHER thing…with the…

Nuthin: Absofuckinghellno

Semper Salax: What’sa matter Nuthin, you suffering from testicular shrinkage or something? you got no balls to write about sex?

Nuthin: If I am, then you are too you moron.

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Semper Vogon: How about poetry?

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All: NO

Nuthin: You write perhaps verifiably the worst poetry in the northern hemisphere.

Semper Vogon: I thought everyone liked my poetry?

Nuthin: No one REALLY likes any poetry at all, much less that senseless garbage that you pass off as clever wit

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Semper Salax: Yeah, your shit dont even rhyme.

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Semper Vogon: Poetry doesnt have to rhyme dumb-ass… I dont know why I even waste my time talking to you Sal.

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Semper Manic: Woody Woodpecker is red

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Nuthin: We are getting no where fast here people, come on, any good ideas?

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Semper Fatalis: I want to kill all of you.

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Semper Vogon: What else is new Fatalis, you always want to kill everyone.

Semper Fatalis: Can I start with that faggot Vogon?

Nuthin: No one is killing anyone in here, besides, I dont think you quite understand exactly what that would do…

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Semper Ebrius: Guinness is delicious, and didnt we just have St. Patty’s Day or something? Why cant we do a green irish blog?

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Nuthin: We are not Irish. Hell, we didnt even know it was St. Patrick’s day until the day after, we basically missed it.

Semper Ebrius: Irish I were dfrunk

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Semper Salax: How about a blog about a Rule 34 on Palin? I wanna get some of that action…

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Nuthin: You need to spend less time on 4chan Sal, there are no real nudes of Sarah Palin.

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Semper Salax: Well there should be.

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Semper Manic: I like woodpeckers.

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Nuthin: I’m very happy for you Manic.

Semper Manic: You know, those big ones, those articulated woodpeckers

Nuthin: did you say articulated

Semper Manic: I meant articulate

Nuthin: huh

Semper Manic: no I mean reticulated

Nuthin: wtf are you talking about

Nuthin: do you mean piliated woodpeckers?

Semper Manic: ……

Nuthin: Can you hear me?

Semper Manic: What?

Nuthin: nevermind

Semper Manic: Yes.

Nuthin: Moving on…

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Semper Fatalis: Can we at least kill something before this blog is over?

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Semper Vogon: I watched the cat eat a mouse this morning, it was kinda gross.

Semper Fatalis: How about you let me feed the cat to Titus

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Nuthin: I dont think our children would enjoy watching THEIR cat eaten by OUR Bulldog.

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Semper Fatalis: No one said we would let them watch, you sicko.

Nuthin: How we gonna hide that smart ass?

Semper Fatalis: We could do it on our lunch hour while they are at school.

Nuthin: And who gets to explain how….you know what, nevermind…Let me be very clear about this, WE ARE NOT FEEDING THE CAT TO TITUS. PERIOD.

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Semper Salax: Hey, theres a fetish for ya. Period.

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ALL: NO!!

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Semper Padre: We could do a blog on family vacations?

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Nuthin: How exciting….

Semper Ebrius: Best drunken pranks, like that time we crashed that car and lied to the italian police and stole a bicycle.

Nuthin: How was that a prank? and I dont even remember most of that story. Bicycle? what bicycle?

Semper Ebrius: How about that time we puked our guts out just before midnight on new years eve, and when we came back in the building the countdown was at 5…4…3 and then this complete stranger sasquatch of a hefty young lass got a nasty surprise when she stuck her tongue down our throat for a new years kiss.

Nuthin: well there you go, what a good story. Now add about a thousand or so more words, a happy ending, and an ACTUAL POINT and you have a great blog.

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Semper Salax: I like happy endings!

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Semper Fatalis: How about that time where I bounced this guys head off the bowl of a toilet a few times, then squeezed so hard choking him that I shit my own pants.

Nuthin: That wasnt even us, that was our cousin Joe, we were there, but thankfully no one saw us bounce our guys head off the stone fireplace across from the bar, so the cops only arrested Joe, we drove home mildly impaired.

Semper Manic: I like Milk, like from a cow though, not from a hamster or anything weird like that.

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Semper Vogon: Roses are red, Violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

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Nuthin: The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty, and so is your head.

Nuthin: You know what, I’m done trying to coax more than two sentences outta you worthless fucks. I quit. You each write your own blog and submit it directly to Buck himself, I aint signin off on shit. You wanna get all weird n shit, go right ahead. Knock yourselves out, I aint putting my name on none of it.

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Semper Salax: So we got nuthin then.

Nuthin: basically, yes

Semper Salax: well then, lets go with that.

Nuthin: deal

Thanks for reading, and stay safe…its a dangerous werld out there!

-Nuthin

Semper ubi sub ubi

Fuck a Salad

19

So while Buck is busy concentrating on self-abuse with new-found technophilic lust for all things Droid, I thought I would take this opportunity to share with you my recently discovered insight on aging, broccoli flatulence, and health foods in general.

To start, I am no mere wisp of a man.

My physique could better be described as ‘robust’.

I am neither lamenting nor bragging, just speaking plainly.

I do not enjoy vegetables. I am a carnivore. (insert apologies to Jersey here)

I mean really, what is the point of salad? The only way it tastes good is when you dump all the creamy, oily, crunchy, bacony crap all over the top of it to add enough flavor to make it palatable, at which point it has turned the corner of counterproductive and straight into less healthy for you than your typical bacon cheeseburger, which is much more satisfying.

And really, what are we buying here with all this low-fat, low-carb, no-taste, aspertame tainted shit flavored garbage?

Longevity?

Ok fine, longer life. YAY!

…oh wait.

We aren’t adding years to ‘beginning’ are we…where we could play all day long in the sweaty blissful ignorance of the child.

Nor are we adding time to the exploringly playful teenage years where new experiences, potential for fun and mischief, and chances at fulfilling the promises of a mis-spent youth are around every corner, with little or no major consequence (there are always exceptions, but you get the point, and I digress).

How about added time to the period commonly thought of as our ‘prime’, early 20’s to early 30’s?

No?

No added years there either.

Not even so much as an extra minute added to the time where us men have allotted segments set aside for our mid-life crisis red convertable sports car diversions to avoid time spent with our women while they suffer through their own version of mid-life crisis, aka Mental Pause.

(Ladies….feel free to lambaste me in the comment section for my typically male insensitivities.)

It is interesting how those two times seem to coincide…

So all this healthy eating has only one place left to add time doesnt it….yeah….the end.

The time we are all dreading anyway. The time where our bones creak, our mind wanders, and we have to ask perfect strangers to wipe our asses. The time where we can no longer earn a wage nor get out and enjoy the things we have worked so hard for and have lived longer to see.

What the fuck is the point?

I get to live longer so I can experience the joy that is alzheimers?, rather than taste the fruits of my labor when they are ripe for the plucking?

I get to spend my old and decrepit years wasting away in a nursing home, no family to visit me, all my friends having died plesantly young, eating tastless food I cant chew, rolling around in my wheelchair because my joints hurt so bad its no fun to walk?

no sex cause I cant make ” ‘lil jimmy ” stand at attention long enough to spit, and the wrinkly old bags around me cant be folded in half anymore without popping a hip out of joint…although dentures means ‘smoothies’…so there is that…

sounds fucking delightful doesnt it…

I think we are being brainwashed by the Government, Aliens, Oprah, and the IOC into thinking that good food makes us live longer so we can live long enough to be sucked dry by ‘The Man’ in our waning years.

…I cant say I have put much thought into this theory yet, as it developed earlier this morning on the shitter….but give it time…I will work out all the kinks and you will see…

Although there is the lighthearted side of slowly losing ones mind.

There are the obvious benefits of say…being able to sleep in church without anyone so much as batting an eye.

The 11% senior citizens discounts at the local hardware store.

The free roll of toilet paper on Seniors Wednesday at the grocery.

The double bonus of both not having to shovel your driveway, AND laying a guilt trip on your grandchildren to do it for “your old grandad”.

I was out on an appointment tracking down wires, testing data connections and otherwise generally lurking around in the building of an assisted living complex, when I needed to get into a tenants room to test her interwebs jack connection.

I knocked on the door and identified myself as being a repairman from the local computer company and I heard her scurry to the door, yell “whats the password” and try to stifle an uncontrollable giggle from just behind the door.

I yelled “Peanuts” and heard her giggle some more before she opened the door to let me in.

She was tickled pink, and I got a smile out of the deal…although on the down side I had to indroduce myself like 12 times within the next 20 minutes, and hear, “…well my names Marge, how very nice to meet you young man. My, arent you handsome.”

The worst part of the deal….she had no cookies. Apparently she had had her “stove priviledges” suspended after a minor incident involving a post roast, some smoke, and a “teensy little ‘ol fire”.

I agreed with her, it was very unfair.

Sucks to be me I guess.

I am making a point here, getting old sucks, I dont think anyone will disagree with that, not the old, not the young.

Sure there are some advantages and some situations where getting old is a blessing, just like there is some people that can smoke for 60 years and get neither cancer nor emphysema, but its certainly the exception, not the rule, and mostly it just sucks.

Why are we forcing ourselves to do things we dislike now, so we can live longer into the years that are the least pleasant?

I am taking a stand. I am making a “Shortest Month of the Year” resolution.

For the entire rest of this month of Feb. I am taking a vow.

A vow to eat all things bacon, chocolate, and noodley.

I will have Mt. Dew over my sugar frosted flakes every morning, drink Whole milk, and have 6 sunny-side-up eggs with buttered toast…for every morning meal.

I am going to restrict the color of my food during lunch to only those things that come in shades of “golden brown deep fried goodness”.

For supper…I am going to eat huge quantities of barely cooked meat, covered in creamy rich sauces, saddled with  baked potatoes slathered with sour-cream, chives, and crumbled bits of bacon.

I am going to have chocolate syrup covered popcorn over my ice cream for a snack sometime around 10pm, although I will brush my teeth before I go to bed because there is no excuse for a dirty mouth.

I may have a few extra lbs to deal with in the end, but that is the price I am willing to pay for not living long enough to catch Alzheimers from some contagious old person.

I think we should all stand together and take a vow to validate the current world view of our country as gluttonous greedy overweight pompous bastards who drive huge cars and wear huge pants!

Are you with me people!!!!

ALL TOGETHER NOW…..EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY, FUCK TOMORROW!!!!!

…well at least for the rest of February anyway

Thanks for reading…and please tip your beertenders…

-Nuthin

-Semper Fatass

Eddie Cut!

22

Mornin’, sports fans! Cheers!

… tis I, is your benevolent and goodly overlord.

How is everybody this fine day?

If you, like me, are in the mid-Atlantic … all I am going to say is “Wow!”

Okay, I honestly intended for “Wow!” to be all I was going to say, but WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!!!! …

and I understand that the past week or more has been completely focused on these back–to-back blizzards, but this just insane! And no, these are not just large, heavy snowfall events. This is two back-to-back, bonifide blizzards!

The National Weather Service issued a bulletin about an hour ago telling people that they ARE to stay off of the roads. The city of Baltimore has initiated Phase III of their snow plan … only emergency vehicles are allowed on the roads. Period. Intense snow fall and winds of 40 miles per hour make for some rather hideous conditions.

My ex wife recently tossed a friendly jab my way, telling me to suck it up because they get this all the time up in Maine. While I will agree that these types of intense wintertime weather events are more common up there, I dare say that they are not quite accustomed to this!

I could be wrong …

but let’s just move along …

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I'M CRAPPIN' YOU NEGATIVE!Before we do get about the business of moving along … the following was — and I am CRAPPIN’ YOU NEGATIVE … one of the paragraphs (verbatim) from the National Weather Service alert that was issued for our region at 11:34am:

“People are encouraged not to panic… but to simply stay inside… enjoy your favorite indoor activities… and ride this storm out… the hazardous conditions will be improving later this evening.”

OH YEAH!

You know what the means, don’t you?

Tis time to actually write instead just pumping out another one of those finished-in-fifteen-minutes picto-blogs!

But first, I would like to have a little chitchat with some of you about blog etiquette.

Or, not to put too fine a point on it: blog reading etiquette.

kissing assThanks for the herpes!Before we get too deeply entrenched in that subject, though, I want to start off by saying THANK YOU!

If you have visited us more than once, I double that order of gratitude.

If you are amongst those who regularly visit this place, I am sincerely honored that you’ve been entertained enough to want to come back with any frequency.

Good stuff, I tell ya!

As you’ve probably noticed, I am not the only one who blogs here. At present, the regular writing staff is a tad Spartan, to say the very least.

Before the council of writers gets too large and the silly insecurities of  the “what about me?” sort enter the picture …

I want to give some really huge props to our “stunt blogger”, Nuthin!

We are fortunate that such a gifted and entertainingly clever person has chosen to park some of his linguistic creations on this dark, humble, virtually uncharted little corner of “teh interwebs.”

I still don’t have actual profile pages for the site Authors and Admins (nor for the Council of Doom, but that will come in time)

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So, where were we?

A big ol’ butt load of thanks to our readers!

Here, how about I make you a steak?

Yummy!

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Okay, back to the subject of blog etiquette …

We, as “authors”, do what we do because we enjoy it.

Plain and simple.

It is fun to do this blogging stuff and I have to believe that I am laughing infinitely harder than most any of you are. I write stuff that is fun to come back and read later. Due to the completely spontaneous, “stream of consciousness” nature of the vast majority of my blogging, I hardly remember many of the details of what I’ve written, so this is really an entertaining process for me.

Sadly, it is painfully obvious – sometimes unbearably so – that I do not proof-read what I post, no less go through any sort of editorial process.

Something I like to refer to as …

“Projectile Blogging.”

But my point being, it’s when I come back days or weeks later that I’ll finally do proof reading (if any) and sometimes a little editorial work. Although, I must say that when it comes to my true projectile blogging posts, I really don’t like doing much in the way of editorializing my original process. I mean, hey … if it struck me as important enough to blurt it out, then it very well has a purpose — however miniscule — and is hopefully resolved by the end of the story.

And even that’s not intentional most of the time … which is what make projectile blogging so daggone fun. At least for me.

Yummy!!! But anyhow … I guess you’ve probably noticed that I really like those “so last decade” smilies, huh?

Dude, they taste just like chicken!!!

.

I really need to contain my A.D.D.-like tendencies today, sorry …

. . .

On to matters of Blogging Etiquette …

B.E. 101

(if you will)

As detailed on my “FOK!” page, the intent here is not to point the Finger of Authority at you and make you feel scolded. That would be patronizing, and nobody wants that!

Except you, so shut it!

My point being — and I understand the whole matter of feeling like a finger is being pointed makes that a poor choice of words — we really get a big charge out of interacting with our beloved audience. Especially those of you who choose to Register as member-residents of the Wonderful World of Buck!

Just shut your whore mouth and REGISTER!I really should stifle this urge to channel the spirit of Billy Haze …

he’s the parallel universe alter of Billy Mays, and he dies in that universe too …

You really don’t want Billy Haze storming in here like a cocaine-induced manic jackhammer and start pummeling you about the virtues of becoming a registered user on this site. Just feel free to register. It makes commenting and interacting more enjoyable … and it very well may be the start of a quest that results in you getting sucked into this whole cerebral black hole known as blog writing!

If you like to tell stories or make people laugh in a clever, well delivered  manner, blogging really is worthy of your attention.

And when that day comes, you too will understand this whole aspect of interaction.

Even heckling and a throwing of the proverbial elbow of jest is warmly welcomed.

Without getting all geeky and checking on server logs, we really have absolutely no clue whether anyone has stopped by. Now … should you happen upon a blog post that’s really a train wreck of failure, then perhaps the silence that only a cricket could wish for would be in order.

The point is, have a heart, leave a comment if you make it all the way to the end of a blog.

Got it?

Good.

Don’t make me break out the anal invading hyenas from hell …

I am dead serious, they are some bad mamma-jammas!

(and, as it turns out, this species — Hyena Semper-sodomus — is actually a marsupial. So much for that whole idea that the marsupial is a calm, bashful and predominately harmless species. The Tazmanian Devil, for example …

About the only thing worse that the hyena semper-sodomus … even worse than the Tasmanian Devil — especially an angry she-devil, doubly so when mating season approaches — is an animal thought to be extinct for centuries now.

And it is no matter of coincidence that I am making mention of marsupials here …

Behold …

the Snow Devil!

I'M GONNA EAT YOU, BEYOTCH!

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I know, I know … it bears a STRIKING resemblance to the Snow Possum.

That’s only fitting when ya think about it, though. I mean, dude … they’re both marsupials! Much in the same way that certain of the King snake species can bear a striking resemblance to teh Coral snake, the devil’s in the details.

But we’re getting a little bit off track here, aren’t we?

Our job as writers is to write … and due to the fact that there’s no binding obligation or moral imperative that we do so, it’s not a job whatsoever; but I’ve already covered the whole “we do it for the joy of blogging” nonsense.

We don’t get paid … I have absolutely zero aspirations of every hosting any click-thru ads to raise a little cash …

even if it is for a worthy cause … say, I dunno … alcohol research!

This is a purely casual endeavor done for the love of the LULZ …

.

We do it for our own ROR …

All we ask is that you quit being such a selfish, miserly, tightfisted, lurker and show our writers a little love, will ya?

Okay, let’s just pretend that you’re here for no other reason than morbid curiosity …

Unlike real life … where, if you happen to stumble across the police investigating a horrid, unthinkable crime scene … here, in BucksWorld, you’re actually EXPECTED to find a way to get into the background of whatever the forensic photographer is photographing and ham it up with a big grin or funny face.

SRSLY!

(go ahead, click on the image … you should be familiar with the routine by now …
Click to Enlarge!
huhu … that’s what she said!!

Anyhow … even IF you’re here out of sheer morbid curiosity, you’re still expected to make your presence known.

Otherwise … it’s considered lurking …

and quite frankly …

… and it’s just downright creepy!

Okay, I think that about covers it for today, kiddies.

In case you somehow missed it … and this is the abbreviated version for those even lowlier souls: the folks that simply scroll through to see the pics.

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STOP RIGHT THERE!


If you’re the type that just scrolls through for the pics, this is an important announcement for you:

Leave a comment!

SRSLY!

.

And that, my friends, is one ballsy white boy!!!!!!

… now scroll on down and leave a comment …

Febuwary Fun

25

Good day to you kind citizens of Bucks Werld, and a happy February to all!

It has been awhile since I have had anything worth writing about, and I doubt today will be any different but I will try anyway.

The nerd herd here at the office has unexplainably lost all of its pretty womanly talent (receptionists) and now us dorks are manning the front office until they return, and its glaringly obvious why we don’t do this job every day, we suck at it.

We have no people skills, we have failed to adapt in socially acceptable ways to everyday situations, which is why most of us are slightly weird, mentally gangly loser’s anydamnway.

It’s a good thing that this company’s public representation is the nice ladies that are the face of the front office, otherwise we would go bankrupt.

We tend to turn the music up loud and throw things at each other while screaming expletives and making crude drawings on the white boards until we can find some poor loser fellow employee whose left their computer unlocked so we can put a semi-nude picture of David Hasselhoff holding/molesting puppies as their desktop background.

(thats just wrong I dont care who you are)

I’ve seen zoo chimpanzees show more decorum while flinging poo at each other.

—-

Speaking of poo flinging, and animals in general…

This whole recent “snow animals” direction that Buck has taken up with seems to reside a little too close to beastiality than I would prefer to live, so I am not going to comment on his: whale/pig/cow/glove/elephant/shark/fist/kangaroo/frog, menagerie of unhealthy obsessional delusions for the moment, but I do reserve the right to hold judgment at a later date. (at which time I may enlist the help of our fair and unbiased readership to attempt to hold him accountable for the “things that have been seen, cannot be UNseen.” effect. )

Moving on before I incur the wrath of Buck…

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Well Christmas came and went, New Years came and went, hell even janularry came and went and now 1/12th of 2KX is gone and I have nothing to show for it other than a few dozen empty 6 pack containers of Guinness and a pair of skis that are one full ski short of being a pair of skis.

I still have both the poles though, so while I’m screaming down the hill on one ski, throwing empty bottles of beer at the little ski-monkey kids, I can whack the ones I miss with my poles.

Skiing is fun as hell dude.

Living in the great white north as I do, there are two things we have no shortage of here…snow and beer. ( I will not include fat women in this short list because that would be more than two things, and I typed the word two already so I can’t go back and change it now)

The snow is awesome cause it make the lakes freeze solid so we can fish without our boats sinking (we have old boats). This is known as “drunken frozen lake fishing”, and we tow the boats right out on the lake and drill holes through the ice and drunkenly try to cast our lures into the holes we drilled.

We never catch more than a buzz, but we sure have fun doing it. When we are drunk enough we pull the boats back off the lake and drag them through the city streets (after lighting them afire of course).

(I heart Guinness)

(our boat was slightly smaller than this, though the fire just just as spectacular, expecially at about 45mph)

I suppose this is why our boats normally sink during the summer, “drunken unfrozen lake fishing”, season (I understand they have this new thing out for putting under your boat, it has wheels or something, weird). This might explain why our relationship with the local authorities might be a little strained (it’s usually their boats we borrow while they are out driving their little cop cars around, ok that was only one time, long memories those cops).

(true story…)( tank de laud for the statue of limitations, and the Marine Corps taking me away from the area for awhile)

The only down side is when we are done drinking we have to pick up all the empty beer bottles and cans cause normally in the summer we can just fillem with water and watch em sink to the bottom of the lake, but frozen water don’t sink, so our beer cans float on top of the ice and we have to pick em up and put em in the back of the neighbors truck.

Believe it or not this is a better method of fishing than our former and more explosive method.

(better being relative of course)

——————————————————————–

I have nearly worn out my Christmas gift of BuckyBalls making intricate shapes and spheres and helixical pointless do-dads. My coworkers have also taken a liking to my balls and ask to play with them quite often. The down side to this is that I work with mostly men, and the girls I DO work with seem disinterested. So I don’t share them as often as I would like.

————————————————————————————–

Meow its time for a signature section of mine called…

Nuthin’s Vogon Poetry Corner

Today I would like to share with you a little gem that I havn’t written yet, so I had better start.

…and here it is!!

Senility is Bliss

roses are red

tacos are pink

I saw my gran nekkid

now I need a shrink

Water is blue

fire is red

I dont understand

how grandpas not dead

mustard is yellow

lettuce is green

you cannot unsee

what has been seen

Salt is to sprinkle

pepper to grind

I bet grandpas thankful

hes almost blind

Gran struts proud nekkid

says shes in her prime

Gran doesnt care

shes 99

**takes deep bow**

—-

OK people I has to go, work is over and it’s time for supper, and I shant be late.

Talk at cha later!

*

Thanks!

Nuthin

-Semper Ebrius

Weekend update, 13 Dec 2009

4

Perhaps I should be careful to not take as lightly the title, “Ebrius Maximus!”

Wow, what … a … weekend!

. . .

Friday was a blast. Actually made it home at a decent hour and had a BLAST with Mikey and the gang.

Saturday, as some of my Facebook friends saw, I enjoyed a rather rewarding Golden Tee shot.

What made it particularly rewarding was the fact that it was a “Hole N Win” shot.

Those are occasional opportunities for a GT golfer to “wager” for the oppotunity to win money if a hole in one is made. The wager amount is either always 50 cents or a dollar, depending on the pay-out. The potential pay-out is based on difficulty. The potential pay-out  can be anywhere from $10 is … and it has been a LONG time since we’ve seen one this high … $400.

Mine was a 50 cent wager for a $15 pay-out. Yeah, I nailed it! [grins]

That was the first “Hole N Win” on the machine at our bar since late in May.

In fact, here’s that one! :o)

.  . .

After a really quick round of GT, we made it over to Debbie’s house for ger annual Christmas party. LOTS of fun, excellent food, some woman with a stupefyingly beautiful voice sang while Davey played the piano … and the late night tequila was FANTASTIC. I do wish I remembered what the name of it was as it had a fantastically unique and enjoyable taste.

Sadly, it followed a couple of us over to Danny’s place across the street. He and Crazy Steve were texting a mutual friend of ours and me from about 11pm until shortly after 1am, when we finally strolled on over. Enjoyed some of the most outstanding pool I’ve played in YEARS.

Sadly, one of the guys grew weary of me … I guess it’s one thing to play at a bizarre level of excellence … and quite another to have it repeatedly rubbed in by someone talking some major trash.

In the infamous words of Kid Rock, “It ain’t cocky mother $%#@& if you back it up!”

I swear to god, that guy totally kirked out on me!!!! Fortunately for us both, I’m the sort of friend that won’t allow such situation fully melt down.

Granted, we’re both a little bruised and sore … but it’s all good!

. . .

Well, with that little Jerry Springer story in mind … let me part ways with a little remider of that which is … Walmart!

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Hi, my name is Nuthin

9

Good morning and hello to all my fellow residents of “Teh Wonderful World of Buck

Let me introduce myself:

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Hi, my name is Nuthin.

all my friends call me Nuthin.

but you can call me Nuthin.

I won a “contest” here at “Bucks World” and “Buck” was kind enough to grant me “Contributorship Status” on this here “finer-n-frogs hair” website, so I resolved to “contribute”.

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Some of you may know me from my brief, albeit busy, stint on the social networking site know as ‘teh Spazz’.

I am no longer there for legal reasons…and we’ll leave it at that.

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I suffer from Profanitism: the excessive and habitual use of profanity. Which means I swear alot (I have promised to restrain myself a bit, but expect the occasionl fcuk bomb here and there.) I credit my beloved Marine Corps for an almost unparalled mastery of the issuance of all things profane.

Semper Fi

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I prefer the color red. (in case you hadn’t noticed)

I learned something today, and so should you, and to prove this point…

Here is my contribution for teh day to the furtherance of your vocabulary.

Grawlixes:

Typographical symbols standing for profanities, which appear in dialogue balloons in the place of actual dialogue. (dont axe me how thats pronounced though, I know not)

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I am a technophile. Although this does NOT mean I am especially versed in all things computer, unlike our fiend Buck.

I intentionally typo.

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I have an Olde English Bulldog puppy (4 months old) who’s full name is “Reglus Titus Tiro”. He prefers “Titus” for short.

I really like latin for some reason, and Tibet.

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I like long walks in the rain, poetry, and calling cadence.

Speaking of Poetry…I have one I’d like to share with you.

Its one I wrote awhile back and its short enough to hold the attention span of the average hominid, yet profound enough to occupy ones mind for longer than one would prefer it be occupied. (profound to be read confusing)

Here goes…

Ode to a Realist’s Water Glass

o cylindrical containerized fluidity

how dost thou quench mine thirst in vain

foer but hither hour comes anon

I greedly lap thy refresherating coolness again

making pale my yellower evacuations

leaded crystal minst vehicle for watery indulgence

I bade thee thithereth me mine thirst be gone

Fore but leaves thine glass half full?

nay, Half empty then this transparent sand?

NEITHER say I. Pessimissim be damned!

Optimism be thou thrown likewise from yonder Dam!

IT IS A GLASS.

IT HAS FCUKING WATER IN IT.

SHUT UP AND DRINK IT.

I am but a humble REALIST drinking poorly

from the richness of my tap.

Thank you…**takes bow**

I am completly imbued with the knowledge of the useless…of which I would like to share.

Here is a prime example, and as an addition to todays vocabulary lesson, here is the Arithmetic lesson for all you interwebs kiddies out there.

Did you know that teh internet weighs approximately  1,096,564,831,978 lbs, or about 1.1 Trillion pounds.

I know this because the internet told me…plus I read this report.

How heavy is the Internet?

I share a love of all things idiosyncraticly visual as does the aforementioned Bcuk.

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I come from a long line of handsome bastards.

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…and I got my, and my brothers their, unofficial nicknames when my father threatened his mother, while we were yet babes, that he was going to name his three children Whatcha, Howya and Nuthin (our last name is “doin” only spelled differently). I dont think she minded actually. Knowing her, she laughed and dared him to do it. From hence forth I became “Nuthin”.

This is Howya:

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This is Whatcha:

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I am Nuthin…

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In conclusion, I dont expect to write often, but when I do you will at least know which parts to skip during your daily foray into Bucks World.

Now the homework part of todays lesson:

Do you have a nickname?

In short…why?

-Semper Ebrius

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The Diva-ittudes …

13

Okay, so perhaps not EVERYTHING on this blog is Sex, Religion, or Politics (and the occasional stab at humor) …

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Well, in retrospect … I guess my selecting this image for the main story lead-in sort falls on the side of “sex” … oh well. I’m still categorizing it otherwise for now …

Mariah was recently quoted in the Brit celebrity magazine, Hello!, as saying:

some people think I’m a demanding diva. I have no idea why people have that impression!”

Why, I wondered, would she even feel compelled to say such a thing?

Upon doing a little research I began to realize a little something that did not entirely surprise me.

The extraordinarily wealthy, especially here on our shoes in the U.S. … and especially more so with those whose fame and fortune have come by way of the entertainment business … do have tendencies that lean towards the unbearably narcissistic end of the scale. Fame seems to foster and encourage bizarre growths within the centers of the brain wherein lies our ego.

Rather than blather away about my own imaginings, however, let me just put a few factual things on the table of discussion and YOU tell me if she has just cause for her above-quoted bewilderment:

Our goodly — albeit occasionally snaggle-toothed — friends on the other side of The Pond invited this same American pop culture icon to preside over the lighting of the Christmas lights at a prestigious Westfield shopping center in west London.  As many of the Hollywood elite are like to do, she had a few special requests and contingencies:

  1. A pink carpet upon which a Rolls Royce would drive upon, and a pink carpet leading from the vehicle to the podium from which she would perform said lighting ceremony.
  2. A wand, which she would wave, thusly signaling to someone ELSE that they should flip the big switch, lighting the lights on said Christmas tree.
  3. Pink, butterfly shaped confetti  was to them be showered upon her immediately after the lighting of said lights.
  4. As for security guards, she estimated that only 80 would be needful
  5. Personal entourage: smaller still at a mere 15 people.
  6. 100 whites doves … to be released during the rain of butterfly-shaped confetti.
  7. and 20 WHITE KITTENS surrounding her at the podium.

[ … insert bewildered, blinking stare here … ]

In another interview, Mariah reportedly said:

I am baffled, shocked and appalled when I am called a diva. I’ve never done one diva-ish thing in my life.”

Hmmm … maybe she’s got a point. I mean, in a recent filming of a commercial that included her two dogs, both Jack Russell terrorists — er, I mean, terriers — Mariah made the following comment:

My puppies are starring in this ad with me, too. I had my team with me but the pups had a mini entourage of their own, of course! And why wouldn’t they? It was a big shoot and even my entourage had an entourage – my stylist had an assistant, my security had extra security.”

Denial is a strange thing indeed, is it not?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world, there are those who are NOT so morbidly self-absorbed that they are unable to offer an accurate self-assessment …

buiness-hoursNow THAT’S some blunt honesty there, folks!!!

I should really get back to work now. This little 15 minute side trek is on the verge of getting me terminally distracted.

By and by … the next week and a half will most likely be somewhat thin in the way of blogging as my sons are heading this way tomorrow to spend a week+ with us! [massive grin] … I may sign on to drop a few one-offs here and there, but otherwise … we’ll return to our regularly schedule inanity the week following.

Until then …

PEACE OFF, [FAUX CURSE!]


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