Sex

Social commentaries on matters that involve sexuality …

on writers block: the voices

14

Welcome to my mind

(Empty though it may be…)



Nuthin: Well guys, its that time again, we need a couple thousand semi coherent words worth sharing…what’ya got?

Semper Salax: I vote sex.

Nuthin: **rolls eyes** Sal, you always vote sex

Semper Salax: and you always shut me down, why do you hate me

Nuthin: Come on, we’re running a family show here…lets dont bring it down to that level. Does anyone have an idea other than sex?

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Semper Manic: I like wolf t-shirts

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Semper Salax: Show of hands, who likes sex

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**all raise hands**

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Semper Salax: See!?! Now tell me why we cant do sex?

Nuthin: Padre, didnt you have some funny stories about our kids you were gonna include in our next blog?

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Semper Padre: Yeah…no. They seem really funny at the time but when you think about it later, its mostly those “you had to be there” kind of stories.

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Nuthin: Nothing?

Semper Padre: Well there was this one about our nephew…

Nuthin: OK, shoot

Semper Padre: Well, he was getting his diaper changed the other day and he farted. It surprised him and his eyes got real big and he asked ” Is that the choo choo?”.

Nuthin: Yeah. That was cute…but I dont think anyone cares, other than his parents and maybe you. Lets forget about that one.

Semper Padre: I told ya.

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Semper Salax: Ya gotta have sex to make nephews…so I vote sex.

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Semper Ebrius: So if you have sex with your sister-in-law, would the offspring be nephews and nieces? or sons and daughters?

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Semper Salax: It depends on if she is good looking or not.

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Nuthin: How does that…nevermind. We are not going to blog about sex, end of discussion. Besides all of our sister-in-laws are currently MARRIED…and to our brothers no less, so lets not even go there.

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Semper Salax: Not to mention that they are all ugly as hell, how could we have let our brothers pick such awful wives?

Nuthin: We could do a blog on interesting quotes?

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Semper Fatalis: Please dont make me want to kill you.

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Nuthin: Where is that quote from?

Semper Fatalis: No. I meant it literally.

Nuthin: Oh. Hostility much Fatalis?

Semper Fatalis: Fuck you Nuthin, you suck.

Nuthin: Moving on…

Semper Salax: How about weird sexual fetishes.

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Nuthin: NO

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Semper Salax: Like that one where they do that thing with feet and toes…

Nuthin: **shudder** The last thing in the world I want is anyones tongue on my toes.

Semper Salax: No, that OTHER thing…with the…

Nuthin: Absofuckinghellno

Semper Salax: What’sa matter Nuthin, you suffering from testicular shrinkage or something? you got no balls to write about sex?

Nuthin: If I am, then you are too you moron.

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Semper Vogon: How about poetry?

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All: NO

Nuthin: You write perhaps verifiably the worst poetry in the northern hemisphere.

Semper Vogon: I thought everyone liked my poetry?

Nuthin: No one REALLY likes any poetry at all, much less that senseless garbage that you pass off as clever wit

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Semper Salax: Yeah, your shit dont even rhyme.

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Semper Vogon: Poetry doesnt have to rhyme dumb-ass… I dont know why I even waste my time talking to you Sal.

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Semper Manic: Woody Woodpecker is red

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Nuthin: We are getting no where fast here people, come on, any good ideas?

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Semper Fatalis: I want to kill all of you.

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Semper Vogon: What else is new Fatalis, you always want to kill everyone.

Semper Fatalis: Can I start with that faggot Vogon?

Nuthin: No one is killing anyone in here, besides, I dont think you quite understand exactly what that would do…

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Semper Ebrius: Guinness is delicious, and didnt we just have St. Patty’s Day or something? Why cant we do a green irish blog?

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Nuthin: We are not Irish. Hell, we didnt even know it was St. Patrick’s day until the day after, we basically missed it.

Semper Ebrius: Irish I were dfrunk

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Semper Salax: How about a blog about a Rule 34 on Palin? I wanna get some of that action…

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Nuthin: You need to spend less time on 4chan Sal, there are no real nudes of Sarah Palin.

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Semper Salax: Well there should be.

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Semper Manic: I like woodpeckers.

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Nuthin: I’m very happy for you Manic.

Semper Manic: You know, those big ones, those articulated woodpeckers

Nuthin: did you say articulated

Semper Manic: I meant articulate

Nuthin: huh

Semper Manic: no I mean reticulated

Nuthin: wtf are you talking about

Nuthin: do you mean piliated woodpeckers?

Semper Manic: ……

Nuthin: Can you hear me?

Semper Manic: What?

Nuthin: nevermind

Semper Manic: Yes.

Nuthin: Moving on…

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Semper Fatalis: Can we at least kill something before this blog is over?

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Semper Vogon: I watched the cat eat a mouse this morning, it was kinda gross.

Semper Fatalis: How about you let me feed the cat to Titus

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Nuthin: I dont think our children would enjoy watching THEIR cat eaten by OUR Bulldog.

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Semper Fatalis: No one said we would let them watch, you sicko.

Nuthin: How we gonna hide that smart ass?

Semper Fatalis: We could do it on our lunch hour while they are at school.

Nuthin: And who gets to explain how….you know what, nevermind…Let me be very clear about this, WE ARE NOT FEEDING THE CAT TO TITUS. PERIOD.

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Semper Salax: Hey, theres a fetish for ya. Period.

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ALL: NO!!

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Semper Padre: We could do a blog on family vacations?

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Nuthin: How exciting….

Semper Ebrius: Best drunken pranks, like that time we crashed that car and lied to the italian police and stole a bicycle.

Nuthin: How was that a prank? and I dont even remember most of that story. Bicycle? what bicycle?

Semper Ebrius: How about that time we puked our guts out just before midnight on new years eve, and when we came back in the building the countdown was at 5…4…3 and then this complete stranger sasquatch of a hefty young lass got a nasty surprise when she stuck her tongue down our throat for a new years kiss.

Nuthin: well there you go, what a good story. Now add about a thousand or so more words, a happy ending, and an ACTUAL POINT and you have a great blog.

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Semper Salax: I like happy endings!

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Semper Fatalis: How about that time where I bounced this guys head off the bowl of a toilet a few times, then squeezed so hard choking him that I shit my own pants.

Nuthin: That wasnt even us, that was our cousin Joe, we were there, but thankfully no one saw us bounce our guys head off the stone fireplace across from the bar, so the cops only arrested Joe, we drove home mildly impaired.

Semper Manic: I like Milk, like from a cow though, not from a hamster or anything weird like that.

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Semper Vogon: Roses are red, Violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

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Nuthin: The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty, and so is your head.

Nuthin: You know what, I’m done trying to coax more than two sentences outta you worthless fucks. I quit. You each write your own blog and submit it directly to Buck himself, I aint signin off on shit. You wanna get all weird n shit, go right ahead. Knock yourselves out, I aint putting my name on none of it.

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Semper Salax: So we got nuthin then.

Nuthin: basically, yes

Semper Salax: well then, lets go with that.

Nuthin: deal

Thanks for reading, and stay safe…its a dangerous werld out there!

-Nuthin

Semper ubi sub ubi

The Droid has landed …

14

Since our resident Stunt Blogger, Nuthin, is hard at work on a new blogging event, I’ll take a few moments to go ahead and post a useless little update that I don’t mind getting lost in the shuffle.

My first inclination this morning was to take a picture of my Droid using its fancy pants built-in camera, but then the technical challenges got too overwhelming. It wasn’t a matter of not having enough mirrors; it was more a matter of the convoluted contortions and too many body parts getting in the way. So, I Googled myself a pic instead. I mean, that’s not really cheating if you consider the fact that the Android software is being overseen by Google, right?

Anyhow … this Droid ROCKS!!!! Sorry, but there are simply no two ways about it. I’ve been in regular contact with a dear friend of mine who is — believe it or not — a semi-domesticated marsupial, and when I’ve relayed to him some of the things I’d been reading about the Moto Droid he has regularly smirked and said things along the lines of, “You just go right ahead and believe what you want …”

Well, it’s in my hot little hands now and after a few days of keeping the battery on the verge of melting all I can say is: “WOW!”

This thing is, perhaps arguably, the coolest invention since the LFL (the Lingerie Football League)

Those who have claimed this device to be a potential iPhone killer were not far off the mark. Quite frankly, the Android OS (operating system) is orders of magnitude superior to the Apple OS. But that’s one of the major potential benefits of Open Source software (although, I think it’s safe to say that Sun’s “Open Office” product was a complete debacle!)

But alas, I’m already digressing …

After having lived with TWO lemons over the course of the past — shit, what’s it been. over 3 years now? — it is refreshingto have something that the inverse Love versus Hate relationship is equally as intense. To put it simply, I do not believe I have been this excited about an electronic device … ever! This includes the totally badass media player I picked up just before the Spousal Unit and I went to Jamaica for our belated honeymoon.

As I understand it, the Google phone (Nexus One) is supposed to be a fantastic device, but dudes, come on … it’s an HTC product! I’d rather felch a dead animal on the side of the road during rush hour than ever own anything manufactured by HTC.

Okay, that might have been a bit of a stretch, but it’s all beside the point anyhow: I’m here to giggle and blather about my happy little phone!

If the iPhone once epitomized the concept of a Smart Phone, then the Droid is the True Genius of the litter.

I’ve seen people bitch about the “industrial” look and feel, but that’s what it’s ALL ABOUT, morons!

Droid … THINK ABOUT, you idiot denziens of iPhone fluffage. Droid … as in an android … a @#%$ing ROBOT, okay?

Of course, some of them might be the really creepy anime types that are so into everything Japanese that they’re even into those new-fangled life-like sex robots the Japanese are becoming so infamous over.

Funny how Apple seems to attract the most childishly hysteric adherents and devotees … of course, look at what a spazzy little bitch Steve Jobs is …

But anyhow, I’m not here to denigrate Apple: the marriage of Motorola and Google took care of that!

(Possum, my friend,  I do envy your Zippo app, but I already have a collection of real Zippo lighters)

(yeah, that’s the first app a friend of mine has that I was not able to locate for my new phone)

Okay, I hate this faux king phone now.

All of the Faux King’s horses and all of the Faux King’s men could not put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Alright, I’m over the whole Zippoapp thing now. The only purpose of that app was to demonstrate how sensitive the iPhone is. Well, I tend to find sensitive men are real pussies, so put that in your crack pipe and smoke it, ok?

So, I get the whole, “we have over 100,000 apps to your, what? 20,000 or so?” I have to ask, how many of those 100,000+ apps are worth a damn? How many of them are so poorly written that they cause stability issues with your previous little Apple device? Heck, I was listening to my dad this morning talking about how he had to uninstall all of the apps he has purchased / downloaded since he got his iPhone last September. Yeah, lock-ups happen, plain and simple. It sure must be a pain in the ass not being able to remove your battery, huh?

Oh, speaking of removable batteries, it’s pretty cool being able to buy replacement batteries for my Droid … and for UNDER $20 (US) a piece! As a longboarderwho loves to listen to music while I’m cruising the roads, it will be nice this summer to simply pop out a dying battery and replace it with a freshly recharged one.

The screen, apart from the Droid’s impressive display resolution of 854×480 pixels (compared to the antiquated 480×320-display on the iPhone),is also exceptionally durable. I defy you to try this with your iPhone, Palm Pre or Crackberry whatever!

I definitely dig the slide-out keyboard. Some of the docile, bleating sheep of the Apple devotees denigrate it, but that’s because they’ve not grown accustomed to QWERTY keyboards.  Hey,when iPhoners go to landscape mode, your “virtual keyboard” suddenly takes up a big piece of real estate, doesn’t it?

And here’s the part that killed me, folks …

When I opened the package containing my Droid, there was this return envelope:

click to enlarge

Yeah, get that … not only do they want me to send back that detestable P.O.S. Touch Pro, but they intend that return to somehow help victims of domestic violence? How ironic is THAT?!?!?! The fact that this phone didn’t INSTIGATE any domestic violence in my house is a miracle (well, if you don’t take into account the fact that the Spousal Unit isn’t playfully referred to as “a six foot tal Scandinavian she-devil” for nothing).

Well, looks like our stunt blogger Nuthin beat me to the punch. Take a few minutes to go check out his latest blogging … it’s simply delicious!

CHOW DOWN, HOGS!

and until next time …

PEACE OFF!

… and don’t forget to leave a comment because …

The Diva-ittudes …

13

Okay, so perhaps not EVERYTHING on this blog is Sex, Religion, or Politics (and the occasional stab at humor) …

mariah-carey-boobs

Well, in retrospect … I guess my selecting this image for the main story lead-in sort falls on the side of “sex” … oh well. I’m still categorizing it otherwise for now …

Mariah was recently quoted in the Brit celebrity magazine, Hello!, as saying:

some people think I’m a demanding diva. I have no idea why people have that impression!”

Why, I wondered, would she even feel compelled to say such a thing?

Upon doing a little research I began to realize a little something that did not entirely surprise me.

The extraordinarily wealthy, especially here on our shoes in the U.S. … and especially more so with those whose fame and fortune have come by way of the entertainment business … do have tendencies that lean towards the unbearably narcissistic end of the scale. Fame seems to foster and encourage bizarre growths within the centers of the brain wherein lies our ego.

Rather than blather away about my own imaginings, however, let me just put a few factual things on the table of discussion and YOU tell me if she has just cause for her above-quoted bewilderment:

Our goodly — albeit occasionally snaggle-toothed — friends on the other side of The Pond invited this same American pop culture icon to preside over the lighting of the Christmas lights at a prestigious Westfield shopping center in west London.  As many of the Hollywood elite are like to do, she had a few special requests and contingencies:

  1. A pink carpet upon which a Rolls Royce would drive upon, and a pink carpet leading from the vehicle to the podium from which she would perform said lighting ceremony.
  2. A wand, which she would wave, thusly signaling to someone ELSE that they should flip the big switch, lighting the lights on said Christmas tree.
  3. Pink, butterfly shaped confetti  was to them be showered upon her immediately after the lighting of said lights.
  4. As for security guards, she estimated that only 80 would be needful
  5. Personal entourage: smaller still at a mere 15 people.
  6. 100 whites doves … to be released during the rain of butterfly-shaped confetti.
  7. and 20 WHITE KITTENS surrounding her at the podium.

[ … insert bewildered, blinking stare here … ]

In another interview, Mariah reportedly said:

I am baffled, shocked and appalled when I am called a diva. I’ve never done one diva-ish thing in my life.”

Hmmm … maybe she’s got a point. I mean, in a recent filming of a commercial that included her two dogs, both Jack Russell terrorists — er, I mean, terriers — Mariah made the following comment:

My puppies are starring in this ad with me, too. I had my team with me but the pups had a mini entourage of their own, of course! And why wouldn’t they? It was a big shoot and even my entourage had an entourage – my stylist had an assistant, my security had extra security.”

Denial is a strange thing indeed, is it not?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world, there are those who are NOT so morbidly self-absorbed that they are unable to offer an accurate self-assessment …

buiness-hoursNow THAT’S some blunt honesty there, folks!!!

I should really get back to work now. This little 15 minute side trek is on the verge of getting me terminally distracted.

By and by … the next week and a half will most likely be somewhat thin in the way of blogging as my sons are heading this way tomorrow to spend a week+ with us! [massive grin] … I may sign on to drop a few one-offs here and there, but otherwise … we’ll return to our regularly schedule inanity the week following.

Until then …

PEACE OFF, [FAUX CURSE!]


johnnys-finger

A Brief Exercise in Contrast …

6

Preamble:

Please understand up front that the following “generalizations” are not meant to be taken literally. If you have a tendency towards hysteria or suffer from bouts of IOS (irritable opinion syndrome), please remove yourself from the premises immediately.

You have the right to an opinion. If you do not have one, one will be appointed to you by the kangaroo court.

Apart from the above stated blather, please take the following with a grain of salt. When I say “conservative” … I’m referring to down to earth people who possess a measurable level of common sense.

When I say “liberal” … I am referring to the modern Democrat … or what should more accurately be referred to as a Marxist in neo-democrat clothing.

That is all …

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one …

gun-control-experts

If a liberal doesn’t like guns, they believe no one should have one.

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If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat …

vegetarians

If a liberal is, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.

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If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat the enemy …

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A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

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If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly enjoys his life …

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If a liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.

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If black or Hispanic men are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful …

ajesse55555

Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

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If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation …

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A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

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If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.

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Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

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If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.

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A non-believing liberal wants all churches to be silenced.

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If a conservative needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or he may choose a job that provides it.

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A liberal demands that his neighbors pay for his health care.

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If a conservative’s teenage daughter gets pregnant, they figure out a way to make sure the child will be cared for …

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… at 18 weeks …

A liberal believes it’s their inherent right to murder that same baby merely for the sake of convenience.

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My folks were good at teaching me to “Give credit where credit is due” and while I have no idea where most of the images I pulled from this hard drive originally came from, I definitely have to give huge props for the artwork done in the “Obama” paintings by the talented Dan Lacey, the infamous “Painter of Pancakes.”  …

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