The News as Viewed Askew

News Stories from around the globe … most of which are either patently bizarre, hardly believable, or downright disturbing … but real news stories all the same.

The News as Viewed Askew (January 15th, 2010)


So, there I was … it was a beautiful Saturday morning in a tranquil, nondescript corner of the broccoli forest. I arose from my slumber, ever so slowly rose myself to a seated position on the edge of the couch and stared at my dog, Sparky, for a few minutes. She was enthusiastically engaged licking herself.

But let’s not even go there …

So, I made my way up the stairs and attempted to rid myself of the taste of sewage and cigarettes from my mouth (the guys and I made a bit of a late night of it last night). At some point not terribly long thereafter I finally made my way to the office.

As is my habit, I took a little time this morning to peruse the news and what did my eyes spy?

That’s right, sports fans!

Grab your reality polarizing glasses …

… it’s time once again …

. . .

… to see the world through Buck’s eyes!

J’yup, that’s right, kiddies … it’s the long awaited return of the news as viewed askew, the on-again, off-again, randomly-something-monthly, episodic indulgences of news visitations that remind us:

This episode is dedicated to the mental midgets (the “ra’tards”, if you will) of this planet who’ve decided to “go there” with absolutely mind-numbingly inane displays of body modification.

The early 2010 candidate for “Most Retarded Tattoo EVER!” is this guy…


Yeah, so get this …

As it turns out, that video hit the internet barely a week ago and it has already garnered over a half million views. According to The Telegraph UK,

“The clip on video file sharing site YouTube has attracted almost 500,000 views since it was posted earlier this week, but some viewers have questioned whether the film is a hoax.”

My first reaction was, “A HOAX?!?!? Dude, look at the rest of bizarre ink that boy’s sporting all over his neck!”

Of course, as is often the case with me … {gasp} … I spoke too quickly.

As it turns out, the question of it being a hoax had more to do with the source of the video than whether or not someone was monumentally stupid enough to have a pair of Ray-Ban styled eyeglass frames eternally etched into their face.

You see, the video was posted by “Never Hide Films”, a production company formed by renowned sunglass manufacturer, Ray-Ban. The question is whether this was a “paid for” stunt for the sake of publicity.

Who cares? I don’t.

I mean, seriously, what’s worse … getting paid to get ink, or getting paid to do THIS:


That ain’t riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

On a closing note, I do want to say that I think some tattoos are friggin’ AWESOME. I mean, take this one for example:

Seriously, is that not downright:

So anyhow … did you hear that the manager of Blackrock World Gold mutual fund, Graham Birch, quit his job and decided to become a dairy farmer?

This has absolutely nothing to do with the last video … or one can only hope … but anyhow …

I only mention that because it’s important to not get caught up in the bullshit and hype of the media, etc. The very fact that you see morons like Gordon “the Jurassic spy” Liddy taking money yo make a commercial telling you that NOW is the time to buy gold is EXACTLY the reason you want to do just the opposite. If something, especially as it relates to investing, makes it onto the cover of magazines or TV commercials, I can assure you that it’s too late.

Just ask the people who jumped in to crude oil futures in mid 2008 when oil reached an all-time high of $147 per barrel. Remember all the “experts” and talking heads on the T.V. who were calling for $300/bbl oil? Yeah, I read tons of the same nonsense in a lot of the financial publications too. Remember, just a mere year ago crude got down to $30.

And I have NO idea where I was going with this, so just let’s move on, shall we?

I really was in the mood to do a news thang today, but it’s just not working out very well. So, since this was an otherwise boring week …

… unless you’re a geek like me and enjoyed some of the spectacular photography of the annular eclipse on Thursday, that made it almost a newsworthy week. Well, that, and the unimaginable number of volcanic eruptions and earth quakes. You gotta admit, that’s a touch disturbing.

Oh, that and the cocaine they found in the space shuttle hangar.  WTF is that all about? Re we running some sort of interplanetary drug ring now or what?

Obama … sheesh.

The other day I was enjoying a few tasty beverages and a few rounds of Golden Tee during happy hour at Spanky’s with Mikey, Jim and Possum.

Mikey (the good man who directed us to the ninja parade video the other day) was – yet AGAIN – re-telling a particular episode from our days when we played pool almost 7 days a week. He was blathering on about a bunch of nonsense about all sorts of goofy things, to include — but not limited to — half of the first floor of a hotel being flooded.

During his retelling of said episode he made the comment, “he had enough to drink to kill TWO people!”

I raised my finger to interrupt at that point and interjected with, “Well … I don’t know about two humans, but a sickly horse? … Yeah, probably.”

You must be wondering where I’m going with this.

Believe it or not, that little anecdotal story was my way of getting you primed to be surprised.

Buck Believes in Global Warming!

That’s right. Believe it or not, despite all of Al Gore’s hot air and unfathomably stupid remarks and claims, I have finally fallen to the dark side and have embraced the TRUTH about Global Warming.

As many of you know, I have been an ardent believer in the cause of the environment. Granted, I’ve been more than a little critical of Greenpeace and certain other radical kooks out there, but I’ve always been four square against this whole idea of global warming.

So, what, you may ask, has brought about such a drastic change?

Well, to a lesser extent, there was the matter of the thermal, color-enhanced satellite photo I shared with you the other day. The more I reflected back on that image the more it occurred to me that all of the extreme weather most of us in the northern hemisphere in recent weeks is probably due to the extreme rise in surface temperatures within the arctic circle.

But something even more intense than that has been the fact that I am now a first hand witness to the horrifically fast-paced melting of the greater Loudoun glacier.

Even before the invention of mankind and beer … one might even be safe in saying since the dawn of time … the world has been graced with the beauty and grandeur that is …

The Greater Loudoun Glacier

(artist’s impression of the Greater Loudoun glacier, circa July 2009)

In just the past month alone I have been witness to a series of bizarre events that have lead me to believe that Al Gore is, right …

Man-bear-pig is truly amongst us!

Granted, I personally have not yet witnessed a real man-bear-pig, but give me a few moments to elaborate before judging me.

For starters, look at what one week has reduced the Greater Loudoun county glacier to:

SRSLY! That’s not good … heck, that’s downright bad!

Here, check out this close-up:

See that “salt line” that’s more than a foot away from what’s left of our once great and monumental glacier? That happened just between Monday and Wednesday of this past week!

But that’s not all …

A few mere weeks ago, my friend, Mike Rez, was attacked and was almost brutally eaten alive by a snow shark!

Now, I know you might think I’m being a little melodramatic when I say something like, “and almost brutally eaten alive” but it’s the TRUTH!

“Dumufuggijn TROOF” I tell ya!

Just as the snow shark (Larry’s his name, in case you were wondering) was broaching the snow-line, I caught a glint of movement in my peripheral vision.

It all happened faster than I could focus, but from the east side of the Shack there was a flesh-toned blur dashing across the snow. As I shifted my vision to towards the right, the flesh -toned blur then leapt into the air, barreling towards Larry (he’s the snow shark, just in case you missed that earlier)

Right before my very eyes was a surprise visitation by one of the most elusive and rarely witnessed animals known to man … mere seconds before he rammed headlong into the snout of the snow shark …

It was …


Snow Pig to the rescuuuuuuue!

Now, before you get all hysterical and start demanding action from the Dictator in Chief, Barack Obama, and his merry band of communists that we know as the United Nations, let me clue you in on a little secret …

These last few pages have had absolutely nothing to do with the news. I’m just making this shit up to kill a little time.

Come on, you actually believe in global warming, the internet and man-bear-pig?

Sheesh … what, are you a moron?!?

I mean, seriously, the world is weird enough already

Oh holy crap … I’m missing the Cardinals / Saints game! I gotta go.

Have a great weekend, boys and girls.

Bundle up, stay warm, don’t work up too rough of a hangover on this beautiful holiday weekend and until next time …


“Larry” the SnowShark is a creation and the intellectual property of SharkBait Media Productions. Thanks to Mike Rezabek for leasing him to us!

IaFUW,CB (20 Nov 2009 edition)





Ladies and gentlemen …

Boys and Girls …

Children of ALL ages …

(well, mostly) …

Welcome back to another installment of The News as Viewed Askew

or as it’s been titled for most of the past 23 years …


I try to make these an early morning Saturday blog, but I dare say I’m not going to be all that interested with such things as it will be the first time I’ve seen my sons in several months. The energy expended to channel that goofy state of mind that I need to drift off into while perusing my image gallery will be much better spent, I’m certain.

But anyhow …

Since last we met, a number of things have taken place around this crazy globe of ours.

Beaujolais Nouveau festival, Kanagawa, Japan


Every year, Japanese men and women descend upon Kanagawa, Japan to celebrate the release of the latest vintage of Beaujolais Nouveau.

Unlike America, one hysterically whiny little shit of a human being cannot ruin a tradition enjoyed by many.

And yes, they’re bathing in wine!


How cool is that?!?!?!?!

Elsewhere in Japan …

Sorry, I forget the details, but there’s yet ANOTHER convention in Japan where robots hold a certain amount of focus.

I mean, do you have ANY CLUE how obsessed the Japanese are with the idea of robots? I stumbled across a “documentary” last night about the “Future of Sex” and certain firms in Japan that are working on creating the most realistic sex robots imaginable. Sadly, one man is even trying to work out the algorithms necessary to build in ever-shaping and reasonably realistic EMOTIONS. Great … as if having real women say “No” is not bad enough.

Just give me my blow up sheep, thanks.

Anyhow …

Here’s the image of the robot associated with some event in Japan that does NOT have to do with sex …


WTF is up with the gold “appendages”???

From Russia with Love …


No real story behind this one … just an enthusiastic bunch of “football” fans get some face and body paint before a big game in Russia. I usually correct the non-American moniker and use the term “soccer” instead, but upon noticing this woman’s glorious level of enthusiasm and team spirit I figured it just wasn’t worth the effort.

Maybe that’s what those goofy little British boys were singing about in their song, “Back in the USSR” …


We interrupt our regularly scheduled news reporting to pimp a relatively funny website …

Have you checked out yet?

Oh man! Hahahahaha …  that site contains some pretty funny photos and has been enjoying a decent amount of pimpage lately.

In fact, here’s one that I found particularly amusing. If you can point out what it is that made ME chuckle, there’s a valuable prize involved … but you have to leave it in the COMMENTS section below.


Onward …

Miss Earth 2009


I honestly have no idea who won … I simply wanted to add that I, personally, am a great deal more energy efficient than a Duracell … if ya catch my drift.

And yeah, that was a pagent of some sort recently hosted in Indonesia. As easy on the eyes as the event was, I had to keep choking back the urge to spit up bile as it was just another publicity stunt by that raging lunatic Greenies and their bullshit global warming propoganda. Not only are more and more prominent scientists finally stepping up to the politically correct bullying of the past couple decades to decry what a miserable sham this whole global warming / climate change is, but how inherently corrupt the movement itself is.

Add to that the FACT that the polar ice core samples unquestionably shows that carbon dioxide levels rise AFTER warming periods. Never once has it preceded a warming trend …

Don’t get me wrong. Like my great uncle before me (late author of the formerly syndicated column, The Angry Environmentalist) I DO believe that mankind must get more serious about our stewardship of this fine planet we have. I mean, here’s a just a small example of how seemingly insignificant matters can have lasting effects. Here’s an albatross that died (of what cause I know not) on the atoll/island of Midway:


Midway is really out in the middle of friggen NOWHERE. All the shit in the middle there is undigestible material that bird plucked from the water’s surface over time.

But I’m not here to preach.

Is Ringo God?

Like many others, I’m a Beatles fan. Of the group, I’ve always had some sort of thing for Ringo Starr … I dunno, it was probably his role in the cult classic, “Caveman” (with his wife, Barabara Bach, Dennis Quaid, Shelly Long and the late John Matuszak) …

But anyhow … a scientist here in the states doing some fluid dynamics research came across a very bizarre series of results one night. These are, reportedly, unretouched, NON-Photoshopped images from his lab.:


Sure, you may want to assume he was stoned … but I know I’m NOT and … well … I see Ringo!

Strange Toys …

Sometimes I actually get it … sometimes I am able to set aside my tendency to be immediately cynical about the way in which we are brain-washing and dumbing-down our children with some of the completely retarded toys and the like that get pushed upon them.

However … this morning I encountered a series of “plush toys” designed to educate toddlers about various germs.

The thought being: germs are scary things and children should be educated so as to alleviate some of the more irrational fears …





herpes simplex






(I’m crappin you negative)

Seriously … that last plush toy was Chlamydia!!!! Need proof?

Here’s the tin they’re sold in …


What’d I tell ya?!?!?!!


Nope, sorry … not another one of my more religious tomes, it’s time once again for another sampling from my most awesome collection of signs!

sanitary-napkins_showerWow … that happens often enough to warrant a sign being posted???

While on the subject of: “Do they really have to worry about that????” …


Mmmmmmmmmmm … bacon!


Holy smokes, it’s almost time for me to get up the road, jump in that happy little twin engine Barron and head to Indiana to pick up my boy!!!

T3 … if you’re reading this, please bear the following in mind:


For the rest of you … seeings how winter is upon us and many species of bear are busy making their last minute “plans” for hibernation, I’m going to spread a little love by voluntarily sharing a friendly little Public Service Announcement …


In honor of the long-standing tradition of face-painting, I leave you the following …


The News Askew, 30 Oct 2009


Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls … children of ALL ages …

… well, mostly … this really ISN’T a “family friendly” website, if you haven’t already figured out …

Welcome once again to yet another episode of …


This has been a WILD week in the news. I mean, WHERE DO I EVEN START?!?!?!?!

I REALLY do not want to talk about those soulless spawn of Sodom and Gamorrah who gang raped a young girl outside of that high school in San Francisco. All I can say is that those (Faux Curse) deserve something far worse than the death penalty … and I dare not speak my mind about the onlookers who jeered, laughed and did NOTHING. My lord, this was WAY too much of an example of how intensely FUBAR the world can be.

So … let’s move on, shall we? I think the week has brought us more than our fair share of moral calamity, personal tragedy (RIP: Barry), and political inanity. How about a few things to hopefully make us laugh … or at the very least, scratch our heads?

Yeah, I like that idea better too.

The King of Poop … “Better Off Dead”?

Harsh headline, huh? Well, don’t go flinging poo at me about it, ok? That was a hotly debated headline from the U.K. paper, The Telegraph. Well, the “Better off dead” part is theirs … ‘King of Poop’ was my contribution.

Why, you may ask, do I say that?

Well, for many years people have expressed supreme confusion about Jacko’s seeming addiction to plastic surgery.What in the name of all that is holy would possess anyone to even WANT to look like this?


Some have questioned if he was obsessed with looking more like his sister, Janet Jackson, that she does. Earlier on, I could see that line of reasoning.

Some have gone as far as pointing out, “Only in America can a poor young black boy grow up to become a rich, white woman.”

But all the same, the final incarnation of Jacko was … well … really effin bizarre!!!!

Well, as fate would have it … and I have to admit, despite the calamity that HAS befallen darkened the doorstep of my heart on more than one occasion in my adult life, Fate still does have a way of bringing plenty of good my way!

Anyhow … as I was perusing the news I stumbled across the answer that has seemingly eluded us all. Jacko’s inspiration for this freak-show disaster of cosmetic surgery:


(you KNOW Mick Jagger would be green with envy over those those lips!!!!!)

All the same … the film “This Is It!” was released this week. Did you notice that was the big lit-up sign on stage? Creepy how it really turned out to be statement of fact. Sort of makes me wonder if he’s not hanging out on some super secret island with Hendrix, Elvis, Bruce Lee and the others accused of staging their own deaths to escape the limelight.

All the same, as you’re probably aware, the movie is being billed as a “gift to Michael Jackson fans.” A GIFT? Are those bastards that out of touch with movie ticket prices these days? Entertainment Weekly quoted one Hollywood exec as saying, “It’s [the movie] going to make a gazillion dollars. There’s never been anything like this. They should call it Dead Man Moonwalking.”

Advance sales have already surpassed the new Twilight sequel, and — shockingly enough — Sony Pictures is now rethinking its earlier plan to limit the run to two weeks.

If you’re interested, you can HEAD HERE to read the full article that got a few fussy little Jacko fans into a thong-twisted hissy fit earlier this week.

. . .

The Beautiful People, The Beautiful People …

Nope, we’re not talking about Marilyn Manson today … instead, let’s take a quick look at the bizarre and freakish world of exclusivity. In a culture where embracing diversity and all manner of other such homogenous nonsense is being forced upon us and an eye-watering pace, it’s refreshing to see some defying the tide.

Perhaps you’ve seen ads for or heard about one particularly controversial website:


Yowzers, indeed.

Not to be outdone, a group in (of all places) Long Beach, California have a “For Fatties Only” nightclub known as “Club BOUNCE!”

I’m crappin’ you negative, man!


Not saying there’s anything bad about big!

. . .

Well, that’s about all the time I have for today, sports fans. Stay tuned for another fun-filled episode of the News as Viewed Askew.

Oh, and for those so inclined to participate, Happy Halloween. And I hope you haven’t picked a costume that’s going to make YOUR kid seem as perfectly displeased as this poor pooch:


. . .

Until next time, remember …

I’ll keep my guns, freedom and money …

You can keep the “Change!”

Zen and the art of Hijacking!


I’ve been doing this “blogging” thing for many more years than the term itself even existed. “Flaming” used to be a wildly popular pasttime for many … and this involved the fine art of lambasting some miserable soul who (quite obviously) was desperately in need of said thrashing.

Like so many other good things in life, however … the younger generation often jumps on board and makes a complete mockery of it.

But life goes on … and in this case, along came the fine linguistic art known as “Thread hijacking.”

This, my friends, involves a person — or persons — descending upon an otherwise civil and/or topical exchange and taking over that thread of conversation for their own twisted purposes. As will be demonstrated below, some have an almost exquisite gift for same. While I do not consider myself a master of “thread-jacking”, I have to admit that I found this morning’s Interweb discovery downright inspiring …

To wit … said discovery involved the “customer reviews” section of … oh my, and what a marvelous treasure trove I found there!

The Mountain Men’s Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee


And HERE’S what a few customers had to say about this fine piece of clothing …

I have been wearing this shirt for 2,043 days straight and it smells like a fruit orchard. I have the retro version of this shirt, and I must tell you, I am not inclined to upgrade. Much like Samson in the Bible, the longer I wear this shirt, the more power I possess.

And customer number next had this to say …

I received this shirt as a gift for my 42nd birthday. I still remember coming up the stairs to see what mom had made for breakfast, and there it was, howling at me beside my Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich and my Jimmy Beam breakfast drink. I’d never seen such majesty before, beckoning at me and sending ripples across my stomach and into my nipples. I was home.


Next item …

Uranium Ore!


And let’s see what customers had to say about this fine, hard to find item …

I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems. Unfortuantly my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people’s privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore.

And another customer had this to say …

I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.


And last, but not least …

The JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank


This is where the hijacking got gloriously hilarious!

When I first saw this tank for sale, I was skeptical. How can they pack all that “tank” goodness inside, for such an affordable price?? I wasn’t sure if this tank was for me, but I decided to give it a try, and boy am I glad I did!

When I first opened it from its giant stainless steel radioactive shielded crate, I knew it was the “one”! The pictures just don’t do it justice! Its full stain metal plated exterior just screams ‘luxury’, and it’s 6hp engine will blast you from 0 to 40 in 260 thrilling seconds. Yeah baby! That’s what I’m talking about! You can almost feel the wind in your hair… almost.

But wait, there’s more! The inside is so much more spacious than the pics do it justice. It’s like a party inside with it’s 8 cubic feet of space and 400 watt sound system. This baby doesn’t just roll(at 40mph) it rocks too baby! Whoo! That premium sound is just perfect for drowning out the gunfire/cannons exploding outside. And how does it feel when you’re rolling down to the nearest starbucks in this bad baby???… like the 4th of July!

Note: Also available in a sporty convertible model: The Badonkadonk-a-doodle-doo. (outrun the Tusken Raiders in style)


It appears that the packing of this item is anything but consistent … read what this reviewer/customer had to say:

I ordered two JL421’s four months ago. The first one arrived in plastic shell packaging that was almost impossible to open. I actually had to go to the kitchen to get scissors to open it, and still nearly cut my thumb getting it out of the packaging. Other than that, the first one runs just fine, except the AC is very slow to cool. The warranty card said that the AC is covered only on parts and not labor. This seems misleading, and I am not happy about it.

The second JL421 I bought was used. The seller said that it was in perfect condition, but when it arrived it had a small scratch on the front passenger side fender. It also has an unidentified red splotch on the upper deck carpeting. I’m assuming it’s just a little blood, but the seller really should have at least mentioned it. The AC works, but the cosmetic issues still need to be resolved. If you’re buying used, buyer beware.

The JL421 does not offer an onboard FLIR option, and only room for 2 MK-41 VLS Surface to Air missile platforms (unlike the HM933 FLAPJACK Land Cruiser which offers 4). Also, if attaching the optional 60MM cannon, you’ll need to buy a 3rd party reinforcement kit ($1249.99), or risk damaging the luggage rack.
Other than those minor issues, the JL421 has a wonderful ride, and even came with flip down DVD players for the kids for long trips. My wife and I still enjoy them, but we will probably be upgrading to the Winnebago WL230 WARRIOR next spring.


But wait … there’s MORE!

I’ll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I’ve purchased overpriced, so-called “battle tanks”, then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made morter. But not this baby, no way.


and finally …

Have you ever wanted to be the dictator of an obscure country whose name you can’t pronounce, only to realize you don’t have the appropriate armaments in your suburban garage to give you that tactical advantage? Now, thanks to the good people at NAO Design, you have access to a device that can make your third-world conquests a reality.


Well folks, that’s about all I have for today. Enjoy your weekend … I certainly know I’m going to endeavor to do same!


Since we’re talking about customer reviews, I submitted the following to Verizon wireless. If you have a moment, please sit back and enjoy … (actually, leave a comment to this post first, if you don’t mind. the slide on back up and click on the link to …)

my CNet-styled review of the Verizon HTC Touch Pro

. . .

Until next time …


Pre Mensa Syndrome … (or, Little Johnny reborn?)



Almost everyone knows at least one of the countless multitudes of “Little Johnny” jokes that have been circulating since time immemorial … you know, the quick-witted schoolboy who’s always the bane of his hapless teacher.

Well, it would appear that a young couple in the U.K. have spawned one of their own. Certain other news agencies have clamored and prattled on about yet another Brit prodigy. Many are calling young Oscar Wrigley, age 2, “Baby Einstein.”

Well, after doing a little investigative research of my own, I want to be amongst the first cry, “Bovine Excrement!”

(hey, my family sometimes reads these things,  I have to at least make some effort at a modicum of decency)

But anyhow …

Seems little Oscar knocked the ball out of the park, dusting the upper limits of the Stanford-Binet test, which they say cannot measure higher than 160. This places our 2 year old little protagonist in the 99.99th percentile of the world population.

So … you may be thinking … why would Buck even THINK of making the “Little Johnny” reference? Well, as it turns our, here is what news reports are crediting as the flags that triggered the little boy’s parents to have him tested in the first place.

According to reports, Oscar’s father Joe Wrigley, 29, an IT specialist from Reading in Berkshire, was quoted as saying: “Oscar was recently telling my wife about the reproductive cycle of penguins.

Strike One! Little Johnny is INFAMOUS for his lewd references and sexual innuendo.

But, let’s not jump to conclusions, right?

The dad went on to say, “He is always asking questions. Every parent likes to think their child was special but we knew there was something particularly remarkable about Oscar. I’m fully expecting the day to come when he turns around and tells me I’m an idiot.”

Strike TWO!!!!!! Little Johnny’s reputation for veiled abuse and condescending behavior is legendary!

But alas, I kept reading … whereupon I came across a quote by the mother of the beast … er, I mean, boy … Hannah, age 26, who said: “His vocabulary is amazing. He’s able to construct complex sentences.”

Hmm, I thought to myself … that’s rather impressive. Hoping to be impressed I pressed forward with my reading …

“The other day he said to me, ‘Mummy, sausages are like a party in my mouth’.”
BINGO! Strike three, Sparky …. YOU’RE OUT!

Peace off,

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