So, what IS Golden Tee?
Well, on the surface it’s a wildly popular video golf game played in bars everywhere. It’s affectionately referred to as a “barcade game.”
To some it is an inexplicable waste of time and money; they enjoy watching someone play, but they cannot fathom how or why anyone would devote teh amount of time and money needed to ever play the game at a halfway respectable level.
To others it is more simply and succinctly referred to as: ADULT VIDEO CRACK!
As many can attest, I tend to fall into the latter category!
Whatever you want to call it, it IS — perhaps questionably — the most addictive video game ever placed in a bar.
Sure, there are others, but none of them enjoy the rabid following of this fair game.
As far as hobbies, interests, etc. are concerned: nothing — and I do mean NOTHING — has captivated me as much as this game has the past couple of years.
How bad off am I? Well, compared to some in this game — especially at the top — I am a mere guppy. Not just in my level of play, but insofar as my level of addiction. Some of these guys literally play 8, 10 or more hours a day!
Of course, they make damned good money at it, but anyhow … I’m only good for a few hours at it, and that mostly with friends. It’s RARE that I actually get any single player time on our machines.
Even so, I’m still slappin’ the old trackball around to the tune of about 225 games per month, which adds up (to painfully overstate the obvious).
As I mentioned yesterday, I finally decided to get OUT of the business of lining other people’s pockets and actually do something meaningful to benefit most of the local regulars who also love this game.
And thus was born …
Beyond bringing a goodly amount of business to a family owned restaurant/bar and almost as fun as taking care of the players whom I spend a LOT of my evenings with, this little venture has provided a nice little late night outlet for my slightly demented “creativity.” To wit: an operator can create his own custom ad screens that get displayed on the screens between games (or on the overhead secondary monitors during game play)
Here’s a shot of our first 2 machines:
In retrospect, not a very good picture. I’m gonna have to rectify that here soon.
Anyhow … back to the ad screens!
Here’s my first stab at it:
That garnered a few chuckles … which only encouraged me more …
Now, in this case, I felt the need to place an occasional reminder to several of us at the bar who sometimes lose our cool after a couple of back-to-back bad shots:
So far, that one seems to be working …
In MOST of my ads, I do make sure to give a nod to the establishment that was goodly enough to partner up with us …
That one was met with mixed reactions so I’ve since retired it …. for now, at least …
My business partner, Christian, pointed out that I really ought to do something to really make our aggressive pricing jump out to patrons on the other side of the bar.
I sort of thought this summed it up well enough …
Along the lines of the “Play more, get better” campaign we had this little gem:
For those of you wondering “what the hell is that?” when you saw the eyeball in the pic of our machines earlier …
Some of the “ads” are not advertisements whatsoever. This is my own rendering of what some of my dreams look like …
Yeah, sorta weird, huh?
And then there’s one of my personal favorites …
Alright … time for me wrap things up and head out to investigate another bar that sounds like it’s in need of a Ninja’s touch!
Good day to you kind citizens of Bucks Werld, and a happy February to all!
It has been awhile since I have had anything worth writing about, and I doubt today will be any different but I will try anyway.
The nerd herd here at the office has unexplainably lost all of its pretty womanly talent (receptionists) and now us dorks are manning the front office until they return, and its glaringly obvious why we don’t do this job every day, we suck at it.
We have no people skills, we have failed to adapt in socially acceptable ways to everyday situations, which is why most of us are slightly weird, mentally gangly loser’s anydamnway.
It’s a good thing that this company’s public representation is the nice ladies that are the face of the front office, otherwise we would go bankrupt.
We tend to turn the music up loud and throw things at each other while screaming expletives and making crude drawings on the white boards until we can find some poor loser fellow employee whose left their computer unlocked so we can put a semi-nude picture of David Hasselhoff holding/molesting puppies as their desktop background.
I’ve seen zoo chimpanzees show more decorum while flinging poo at each other.
Speaking of poo flinging, and animals in general…
This whole recent “snow animals” direction that Buck has taken up with seems to reside a little too close to beastiality than I would prefer to live, so I am not going to comment on his: whale/pig/cow/glove/elephant/shark/fist/kangaroo/frog, menagerie of unhealthy obsessional delusions for the moment, but I do reserve the right to hold judgment at a later date. (at which time I may enlist the help of our fair and unbiased readership to attempt to hold him accountable for the “things that have been seen, cannot be UNseen.” effect. )
Moving on before I incur the wrath of Buck…
Well Christmas came and went, New Years came and went, hell even janularry came and went and now 1/12th of 2KX is gone and I have nothing to show for it other than a few dozen empty 6 pack containers of Guinness and a pair of skis that are one full ski short of being a pair of skis.
I still have both the poles though, so while I’m screaming down the hill on one ski, throwing empty bottles of beer at the little ski-monkey kids, I can whack the ones I miss with my poles.
Skiing is fun as hell dude.
Living in the great white north as I do, there are two things we have no shortage of here…snow and beer. ( I will not include fat women in this short list because that would be more than two things, and I typed the word two already so I can’t go back and change it now)
The snow is awesome cause it make the lakes freeze solid so we can fish without our boats sinking (we have old boats). This is known as “drunken frozen lake fishing”, and we tow the boats right out on the lake and drill holes through the ice and drunkenly try to cast our lures into the holes we drilled.
We never catch more than a buzz, but we sure have fun doing it. When we are drunk enough we pull the boats back off the lake and drag them through the city streets (after lighting them afire of course).
(I heart Guinness)
(our boat was slightly smaller than this, though the fire just just as spectacular, expecially at about 45mph)
I suppose this is why our boats normally sink during the summer, “drunken unfrozen lake fishing”, season (I understand they have this new thing out for putting under your boat, it has wheels or something, weird). This might explain why our relationship with the local authorities might be a little strained (it’s usually their boats we borrow while they are out driving their little cop cars around, ok that was only one time, long memories those cops).
(true story…)( tank de laud for the statue of limitations, and the Marine Corps taking me away from the area for awhile)
The only down side is when we are done drinking we have to pick up all the empty beer bottles and cans cause normally in the summer we can just fillem with water and watch em sink to the bottom of the lake, but frozen water don’t sink, so our beer cans float on top of the ice and we have to pick em up and put em in the back of the neighbors truck.
Believe it or not this is a better method of fishing than our former and more explosive method.
(better being relative of course)
I have nearly worn out my Christmas gift of BuckyBalls making intricate shapes and spheres and helixical pointless do-dads. My coworkers have also taken a liking to my balls and ask to play with them quite often. The down side to this is that I work with mostly men, and the girls I DO work with seem disinterested. So I don’t share them as often as I would like.
Meow its time for a signature section of mine called…
Nuthin’s Vogon Poetry Corner
Today I would like to share with you a little gem that I havn’t written yet, so I had better start.
…and here it is!!
Senility is Bliss
roses are red
tacos are pink
I saw my gran nekkid
now I need a shrink
Water is blue
fire is red
I dont understand
how grandpas not dead
mustard is yellow
lettuce is green
you cannot unsee
what has been seen
Salt is to sprinkle
pepper to grind
I bet grandpas thankful
hes almost blind
Gran struts proud nekkid
says shes in her prime
Gran doesnt care
**takes deep bow**
OK people I has to go, work is over and it’s time for supper, and I shant be late.
Talk at cha later!
I awoke this morning in a quiet and calm mood. Didn’t stay out too late … didn’t have too many beers. I gave my mind a few minutes to discover if there might be any remote quadrant of the body proper which was in a state of relative discomfort. None was to be found.
One of the corners of the auto-pilot wiring of my psyche – one that tends to be, unlike the rest of me, a morning person – speaks up, “Neato!”
My dog, Sparky, had been attempting to sleep at my feet last night. Given the amount of tossing and turning that one tends to experience when sleeping on a not-so-built-for-sleep sofa, she didn’t get much of it.
Jack Russell terriers, if you haven’t noticed, tend to be a bit on the high strung side.
And yeah, I said “sofa” …
Told ya, the bacon thing really isn’t going over very well here at la casa del Buck.
(pics here are almost always of the “click to enlarge” variety)
Anyhow … I let Sparky out to begin her elaborate morning routine of divining the perfect points of evacuation. And with this one, it’s every bit as formulaic as it can possibly get.
Much like the directions on the back of a shampoo bottle except in place of “wash” one places a single word that somehow embodies the intense, almost frenetic, manner in which she goes about intently scrutinizing randomly disjointed spots of grass in search of that Point of Perfection.
Nothing less will do, unless it’s a miserable, rainy day.
Otherwise, she invests a level of energy into this search for that point of perfection that one might expect from a knight in search of uncovering a matter of divine providence!
To wit, she deposits, whether by way of micturation or defecation matters not. And yes, the former, in every case, preceding the latter.
And herein we replace the word “rinse.”
Still with me here?
Yeah, it’s Search, Deposit, Repeat.
But anyhow … I’m getting side-tracked here …
The air was calm and the sky tinted with a colorful hint of a glow from a sunrise surely taking place on the other side of the dark, looming grayness. It clearly felt like snow was soon to come.
I quietly stretched my arms, taking in a deep breath of the crisp, fresh air. As I shook my head in bemusement at Sparky’s frenetic search for said Point of Perfection, a slight breeze picked up. I wrapped my arms around my shoulders and rocked quickly on my bare feet, attempting to only have smaller parts of the foot in contact with the deck — which hadn’t seen temperatures above freezing in days — at any one given moment.
As I turned my back to the wind I looked down and smiled as I watched the first hints of snow dancing past my feet. There is something so soothing and serene about the snow. It brings some strange sense of purity and innocence with it.
But, like much in life, appearances are often little more than a mirage.
The snow, you see, brings a certain ‘something’ out of the animal within us all. Maybe it’s because the snow covers everything, blurring all that we are otherwise accustomed to seeing, yet rarely even noticing, in our day to day lives, and in the sudden absence of that which is familiar there is a resulting sense of panic and potential peril. In the animal world this may happen because the food that birds regularly forage for is usually in plain sight.
Suddenly, everything has changed in an instant and nothing is as it just quite recently was.
How is a bird to know whether or not there may still be anything resembling food beneath this mysterious white veil???
Yes … fear of the unknown and hunger can bring out something downright fiendish in virtually any animal.
And when that fear comes as a result of snow fall, that can only mean one thing …
Well, two … if you really think about it.
Or more …
But in the context of this story, at least at this point within whatever portion of said story is about to unfolded before you, it can only mean one thing!
And you remember what happened the last time we had a deep snow and the ensuing schools of snow sharks that came with it, right?
Yeah, we almost lost Mikey Rez!
And we don’t want that!
Man, I really need to arrange something where you guys can listen to what I’m listening to while I write this! Oh man, that would so thoroughly change things!
But anyhow …
Perhaps you know how drivers are here in the mid-Atlantic region of the U.S. (and it grows increasingly rude and random the further north one drives. Well, to a point) They can be biggest collection of untrained, ignorant, self-centered, feckless morons absolutely devoid of any level of what is known as situational awareness … and with cell phones shoved unhumanly deep inside their ear holes!!!! These people can hardly, if at all, accomplish a feat as simple as parallel parking; well, at least not without undue anxiety and freakishly jerkish miscues that would make Michael J. Fox conducting a symphony look absolutely normal.
But I digress … my point is, “Virginia” drivers really are a difficult breed. I attribute most of that to the transient nature of the D.C. area, but that’s another subject for another blog some other day.
Today we have far more pressing matters to contend with.
Who will save us from the snow shark?
A mere few weeks ago we were beyond safe as we were blessed by a visit from one of the rarest, most severely endangered species of mammal on this planet: the Arctic shaven snow pig!
And … there’s a little something your old uncle Buck here has been keeping from you.
Olga, Leesburg’s own patron swine, flew, non-stop, from the mountains outside of Leesburg all the way to Haiti … did I mention this was NON STOP??? … to volunteer after the tragic earthquake.
Yeah … it doesn’t take a very active imagination to come to grips with what direction that decision ultimately took …
Without our token Arctic shaven snow pig, where then can we turn for salvation from the certain return of the snow sharks?!?!?!
Of course, the answer is simple!
Remember my reference to the local traffic earlier? Well, just the mere mention of precipitation brings out most Neanderthalically idiotic driving tendencies imaginable from these people.
Snow Cow, due to the uncertainty of this weekend’s weather, instead chose to not cut short his stay at some weird hedonistic resort somewhere in the Caribbean …
Come on … are you trying to tell me – with a straight face – that you’d rather deal with gridlock traffic and worse?!?!?!
In this hypothetical question, you’re trying to walk a mile on Snow Cow’s shoe’s, not the ladies’.
You did understand that, right?
All of this to say that I dare say that I very well may not be getting around to finishing my official blog disclaimer today. I’ve yet to check in with work, no less shower, shave, or brush my teeth.
I did, however, accomplish the other earlier; quite obviously … do you think this much chattery and creativity is possible with all of that blockage?
Of COURSE NOT!
All of this to say that you want to keep your eyes open for this man …
Well, D’UHHH … he’s our savior from the snow shark!
Oh, you mean why should we keep our eyes open for him?
Because we want to make sure he is able to approach a snow shark without being the distractions of being engaged in conversation. So, in an effort to make certain he remains undistracted we have to ensure that he basically goes unnoticed … and we do that by keeping an eye out for him and then pretending that we never actually saw him … but yet we can, with a clean conscience, comfort our fellow Spankians with the knowledge that He is in our midst … somewhere.
But make sure to remind anybody that you tell that you saw Him to remember to strictly adhere to the rule that they must keep their eyes open and remember to forget what they saw.
Because the first rule of Snow Cow is that you never talk about Snow Cow.
And we’re not … I’m just blogging … that’s different.
Speaking of which, I really should be going now.
Until next time, remember …
And now …
A Word From Our Sponsor(s) …
Today’s hearty servings of tossed brain droppings and assorted mental excrement would not have been possible without our good friend Mikey Rez and the goodlier people still at …
Needless to say, it’s still REALLY COLD outside … well, in most places anyhow.
How cold is it?
Ask this dude:
That’s mighty cold!
Now … you know how snow cow would deal with that problem, right?
But anyhow …
Actually, before we get back to talking about the weather, and since that image is just a slam dunk segue into the whole subject of “slim pickins” … allow me to share with you an image I came across this morning that seared my eyeballs …
* * *
Now maybe you won’t be so hard on Snow Cow!
But we should really get back to this whole climate change thing …
Seems it’s too late for us to appease Snow Cow … the northern hemisphere is already buried in ice and the other side of the planet, especially for our lovely brothers and sisters in Australia, are being seared by record high temperatures. I mean, seriously, check this out: this is a satellite image of the U.K. taken a few days ago. The entire freaking place is covered in snow!
It’s not just snot that’s freezing these days, sports fans. Hell, some parts of the northern hemisphere have seen entire waterfalls freeze for the first time …
* * *
Hell, you think THAT’S bad?
Check out this group of seals that were almost frozen in place when they woke up on morning this week!
I’m tellin’ ya, dude … it is COLD this winter!!!
And as a little side-note of a PSA:
Don’t let your children run on the ice with chopsticks in their hands or mouth!
Oh … SNAP!
You know that had to hurt!!!!!!
> > >
By and by … up to this point, these are ALL real pics from real shit that’s happening the world the past week or so.
… come on kiddies, say it out loud with me …
I’M CRAPPIN’ YOU NEGATIVE!
So, how are some people dealing with these record low temperatures?
In one town in Russia, the locals put together a portable hot tub …
That actually looks like a bit of a fun!
A hell of a lot more fun that what these freaks of nature find entertaining …
What’s with all the blood on the ice block???
* * *
So, where were we?
Oh, that’s right … taking a look around the globe and taking a look at what others are doing to make the best of this whole cold weather thang …
A couple of drunk fellas in Scotland decided to have some fun on a canal that had frozen over. Granted, the U.K. is getting a lot of snow, but I dare say it’s not quite been cold enough to freeze to the point of being drive worthy.
They, as you can see, learned that the hard way …
Meanwhile, on the other side of the planet, the Japanese snow monkeys are (as they are famous for doing every winter) chilling in the one of the local hot springs …
Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong came to Washington D.C. this week to continue their efforts at legalizing marijuana ..
Now that I see those two pics in sequence, it makes me wonder if Cheech and Chong didn’t make a stop in Japan first to hook up the local snow monkey population.
Hey … stranger things HAVE happened!
Speaking of Scotland, the good people of Lake Menith held their FIRST curling competition in something like THIRTY years!
Sadly, like so many of the other obviously scotch drinking people of that fine country, they learned the hard way that it takes more than just a few days of cold temperatures to make a body of water travel worthy …
Sadly, the town quickly canceled the tournament citing safety reasons.
And others …
Well, seems that some just jumped outside and just had plenty of fun with no specific goal in mind …
Yeah … that’s niiiiiiiiiice!
Apart from the previous image, I’m otherwise with the anonymous dog on this whole cold and ice and snow thing …
There’s a reason the entire northern hemisphere or our planet is experiencing record low temperatures and I can promise you that the salad tossing liberal extremists that are our modern media aren’t going to let us in on the truth.
That’s a thermal image (via satellite, d’uh) taken in just the past few days. The artificial color coding shows the current ground temperatures compared to historic norms.
As you can plainly see, the Arctic circle is WELL above average … and I guess all that hot air is pushing what would otherwise be REALLY cold, arctic air (which is normally supposed to STAY inside of said circle — I mean, that’s why we put it there in the first place, dontcha know) and pushing it outwards and downwards onto us inhabitants of the northern hemisphere.
And we all know where all that hot air is coming from …
I mean, apart from Al Gore …
See what happens when you piss off Snow Cow?
Sadly, though, what is in place is in place … and now we must let nature run her course.
Believe it or not … that’s actually a good thing. It allows Snow Cow to take a break from his Reaper-like duties and it affords him the opportunity to secretly watch over our troops overseas …
Now that I have so many friends named Frank it just doesn’t seem right to say things like, “let me be frank with you” …
As you can tell, I’ve been giving this some thought and I’ve finally settled on an alternative.
Allow me to be a seductive albino gorilla and talk plainly to you about something …
Yes, I have another secret to share with you goodly people of Buck’s World!
As some of you know, I’ve been a rather industrious soul, even from my earliest years …
and as the years have moved along there has been numerous opportunities whereupon I would have a chance encounter that would, as they say, get the proverbial wheels turning …
It was (as you can tell by the hidden writing on the right side of the image above) just a couple of years ago when I happened upon yet another tawdry PETA protest.
And I gotta tell ya, as a guy, it’s hard to not stop and think for a moment when we stumble across any of these overtly sexual, semi-to-almost-full nude protests of theirs.
Of course, us heterosexual guys aren’t thinking about whatever retarded message it is that they’re trying to convey …
But anyhow …
That particular encounter was the closed-eye fodder for more than one wasted seed when, some time later, I had one of those exceptionally rare post release epiphanies!
If vegetarians are, in fact, tastier, why not open a restaurant?!?!?!
* * *
* * *
Actually, I AM crappin’ ya this time around … I don’t own a restaurant.
When last we met, we ended our quality time together reflecting on that which is Ninja.
It only seems fitting that today we end on a related note, since these last two blog posts are actually supposed to be interconnected.
Ninjas are not to be messed with.
Because they will kill you … and you won’t even see them coming.
Who’s the last person to pull this stunt off since the son of God walked the Earth (and water)?
Yeah, SRSLY … the dude is literally running on water.
* * *
Ninja’s even teach their monkeys how to fight!
* * *
and Ninjas are thoughtful enough to teach their monkeys to enjoy a cold, frosty beer after vanquishing their enemies!
Ninjas, simply put, are not to be messed with!
* * *
Here, take a brief moment to watch this video …
(thanks to MFree for the link!)
Well, sports fans … I guess it’s about time I grab my things and head on back to the domicile to face another joyful evening of packing boxes.
I hope to have another roasty, toasty, succulent vowel movement for you again some time soon.
But in the meantime, always remember …
Never forget …
Don’t run with boys that do …
Love those that hate you
Bless those that persecute you
and most importantly, ladies and gentlemen …
have a good day!
* * *
Until next our paths cross …
* * *
Happy 2010 everybody!
As we look back at a year just past, sometimes it helps to occasionally stop and consider what we’d like to change during the coming year.
Not in the sense of resolutions … we discussed that in my last post.
It’s an occasion to offer ourselves the opportunity to learn. When we look back at outcomes and especially patterns, it’s vital to note the outcome and then decide if that is something we want to repeat … is that a path we want to continue to follow?
Insanity, they say, can be defined as attempting to solve a problem by repeating the same behavior/choices that created it.
What can I — your fearless leader and benevolent king of the land of Faux — learn from looking back at the past year?
For starters, make sure to make time for play. Burning the candle at both ends simply cannot end well.
Beyond that, it looks really retarded.
Let’s see, what else is there?
OH, I’VE GOT ONE!
Pay closer attention to what I buy for my nieces and nephews!
In fact, to be a bit more to the point …
No more Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve … after spending the morning and early afternoon enjoying “breakfast” with our friends at the pub …
The whole butt-plug part of it never occurred to me.
THINK, DUDE … THINK!
* * *
Speaking of being more thoughtful …
This year I’d like to spend a bit more attention to which vehicle I’m driving.
* * *
So, anyhow … since I’ve already let the cat proverbial out of the bag about my holiday shopping fail.
I never read the box … all I saw was a doll and … like ANY guy … I was in a rush. Seriously, Christmas shopping can really be quite the inconvenience when it conflicts with one’s drinking schedule.
* * *
I have one nephew who is totally into Superman. A pillow that doubles as a pillow. How cool is THAT?
I was, unfortunately, perfectly sober when it came time for the opening of the presents that morning.
It took me a while to understand why I was getting so many confused looks from the kids and, even more so, the awkward looks from the rest of the family.
* * *
There’s my one niece who, of all things, is a HUGE fan of the Incredible Hulk . . .
HEY … his pants were NOT rolled up like that when I bought it!!!
* * *
Fortunately for me, the bath house across town is open on Christmas day … and only on that day each year … the hot tubs are filled with beer.
. . .
. . . . .
. . .
MOVING ALONG …
Did you hear about the body that was recovered from Sydney harbor in Australia earlier in 2009?
According to the article that I read, investigators did initially rule out suicide and were considering this a possible homicide case.
Thank you, Cap’n Obvious!
* * *
Were you out and about amongst mixed company yesterday, you too may have come across numerous conversations involving various “good luck foods” to usher in the new year.
In many Asian cultures, noodles are eaten on new years day in order to bring long life. There’s a catch, tho … each noodle must remain unbroken until the entire noodle is in one’s mouth.
Austria has its pork dishes … the Italians have their lentils … the folks in the deep south of the U.S. have their black-eyed peas and greens.
Stranger still is the traditional ox penis salad enjoyed in certain remote regions throughout China …
Yeah … ox penis …
* * *
Then there’s my favorite dish …
BUT BEFORE I GO THERE …
Has someone in your family jumped on the latest craze of soaking turkey in brine?
Man, does it make the meat OH SO MUCH more tender and succulent!
A few friends of mine and I decided to get together and try this whole brine soaking thing a try …
All I can say is, “Mmm, mmm, good!”
* * *
(Saint Feces? that’s a new one to me too)
I just noticed how much the time got away from me this morning. I’ve got stuff to do, places to go and …
Who am I kidding? This is my last weekend to … uh … after realizing what the “Fun Shapes” toy that I’d bought for my youngest niece was really all about, I almost feeling awkward using this phrase, but here it goes anyways … blow it out of my ass. Starting Monday, the world as I know it taking some drastic changes for the busier, to say the very least.
All that to say, I gotta go!
How’s THAT for Hoping For A Cure?
Well, here we are on the cusp of another one of those, “Out with the old, in with the new” end of the year moments. Like many other people, I’m looking forward to having a new set of digits slapped up on the calendar.
Seriously! I started this year (2009) all charged up and ready for the wonders that it may bring, and then …
Although … just amongst my own circle of friends there are those who have lost a LOT more than I did this year …
Sure, in the midst of the great memories I made with my sons and certain others of my friends and family members, there’s a lot about 2009 that I shan’t fondly look back upon. Losing my entire Koi population and the meltdown of the waterfall, as two examples, were only the beginning of my sorrows. And sure, there were bigger losses that really chap my ass for reasons that would do none of us any good for me to elaborate upon.
So … we should probably just be moving along then, shouldn’t we?
In the grand scheme of things, there are VERY few of us that cannot echo the sentiment, “Worse things have happened to better people.”
Feel free to tuck that one away in your heart; it may come in quite handy some day.
* * *
Made your new year resolutions yet?
Want my opinion on the matter?
Of course you do … that’s why you’re here!
My opinion would be to NOT make any New Years resolutions.
Face it, it’s a stupid tradition developed to help stupid people cope with their innate disinclination to change.
Those that can’t merely wish … the rest of us simply DO. Sure, plans are good … VERY good, in fact. But arbitrary “resolutions” made because it’s expected of one to do so? Might as well stand in the middle of a busy mall scratching your crotch with one hand while trying to lick the elbow of your other arm … all while humming the theme music from Patton as loudly as possible.
Hold on … that’d actually be pretty damned funny!
Buuuuut … if you’re so inclined to be weak-minded and feel obligated to make your resolution(s), just know that others WILL laugh at your failure. Sorry, but that’s part of life. Live with it and move on already.
* * *
So, what can be said about 2009 that you’re not going to be otherwise inundated with by other sources? I mean, EVERYBODY in the media is going to surely have their wagging tongue moments where they blather on about the monumentally historic nature of America electing her first partially non-Caucasian president.
Of course, these same charmed, deluded news anchors will never look back later in life and realize that Obama was pretty much the equivalent of having ordered an expensive new blow-up “bride.”
It might be a little exciting at first, but when all is said and done, it’s nothing more than an empty shell that’s going to leave one severely chaffed.
Did I say CHAFFED?!?!?!?!
That’s way too soft a word … nossir, what this administration is going to leave us with is going to be a bit more intense than a mere burning sensation …
Speaking of which (the blow-up doll part, that is), did any of you ever catch any episodes of HBO’s WAY-TOO-SHORT-LIVED show, “Hard Core TV” (HCTV) ???
In a tip of the hat to Saturday Night Live, HBO put together a group of writers who, in my estimation, knocked the proverbial ball right out of the park.
There is, of course, a reason I mention this …
One particular skit was a parody of a Biography Channel style interview which featured a man who had forsaken women in lieu of blow up dolls. During the course of the interview, the man spent considerable time fawning over his one favorite blow up doll, whose name I cannot remember.
All the same, the interviewer wrapped up the segment by posing the following question, “It’s clear that this doll truly your favorite. Tell me, where do you see yourself with this relationship in … say … 10 years?”
The man pondered the matter a few moments and after a dramatic pause he finally offered his straight-faced answer of, “Well … happy … but chaffed.”
* * *
Never let it be said that 2009 was not an interesting year. Oh no, not by any stretch!
Soros and Rockefeller are probably a little pissed. Heck, the near-collapse of the financial markets that they engineered almost delivered the U.S. into their grubby, Marxist hands.
But I promised I’d avoid politics, dammit … sorry.
* * *
Let’s see, what is there to look back upon … IN A POSITIVE LIGHT … ???
Well, let’s just jump upon our trusted steed and travel back in time … (just one year, nothing big) …
* * *
Let’s see … we had at least a few new species of animals discovered this year. Amongst my favorite was this little gem …
* * *
While on the subject of fish, scientists in Asia have discovered what is being called a “human-faced” carp …
More of a dog’s face than a human’s face, but hey … it’s different!
* * *
Speaking of carp/koi … there were reports of an aquatic toad that was in heat and got a little confused about which species he was supposed to mate with …
According to reports, the toad literally screwed the fish to DEATH!
* * *
Speaking of sexually super-charged animals, I’d like you to meet Elvis, the insanely randy cock!
As it turns out, Elvis there had such an out of control libido that he finally had to be exiled from the hen-house. He LITERALLY screwed the hens to DEATH.
I have 2 questions …
1) Who snagged a sample of my DNA?
2) Was a rooster the most creative thing they could do with it?
(on a side note, does that woman’s grin strike you as at all … strange?)
Yeah, it sort of troubled me too … … …
And the rooster? Look at him! “I am the Sperminator … I’ll be back!”
* * *
Let’s see … we also saw a six legged cow …
BUUUUUUT … not as freaky as Two-Face the calf!
Makes me wonder if the same cretins who warped my DNA into a rooster have been having fun with Snow Cow’s DNA as well …
Even so, it would appear nothing of the sort is going to thwart the amazingly Mother Teresa-esque qualities of our mysterious friend who has been widely known to have a passion for feeding the poor …
* * *
But we’ll have to save talk of Snow Cow for another time … (not to mention the fact that Snow Cow is actually a bull, but things just get way too confusing way too quickly, so let’s just keep moving along, shall we?)
* * *
What else is there to look back and smile upon when we look at 2009?
* * *
The year of our Lord, 2009 — for all of its pomp and circumstance — was not a boring one for the inventors of the world either!
In Japan, we saw all manner of robots appearing at trade shows everywhere … to include the adult entertainment industry. Seeings how my younger two sons are like to swing by this blog, I have chosen to not publish pictures of such. Sadly, you’re just gonna have to take my word for it.
We DID see the introduction of gems such as …
Yeah, see-thru cement.
Now, why anybody ever conceived of a need for translucent concrete is absolutely beyond me, but in flash of true Hungarian ingenuity, some wild-eyed Magyar kinsman of mine decided the world needed such a thing.
I dunno, maybe it was simply a matter of an inventor who wound up with one of those “Butter Face” girlfriends.
* * *
Let’s see, what else did 2009 bring us in the way of inventions?
AH HA! I have one …
Ever heard of Kenji Kawakami, the founder and director of the International Chindogu Society?
In fact, I hadn’t heard of him either until a couple of years ago. Back then my blogs (and other assorted brain droppings) were being served up (spicy hot, of course) at MySpace.com, and in the midst of doing some research for a year-end blog I was lucky enough to have stumbled across this man and his “society.”
Of course, if you’re at all like me, you may be sitting there thinking, “Chindogu … what the ____ is that???”
Since you’re probably on the verge of opening another browser window and heading over to Wikipedia yourself, let’s just see what the wiki has to say about Chindogu
Chindōgu … is the Japanese art of inventing ingenious everyday gadgets that, on the face of it, seem like an ideal solution to a particular problem. However, chindōgu has a distinctive feature: anyone actually attempting to use one of these inventions would find that it causes so many new problems, or such significant social embarrassment, that effectively it has no utility whatsoever.
Let’s take a look at some of Mr. Kawakami’s latest masterpieces!
Are you as big of a wuss as I am when it comes to eye drops?
Imagine the lust that will consume your friends when they see THAT device!!!
. . . remember: a vital aspect of this fine Japanese “art” involves significant “social embarrassment” . . .
I will say, for all his strangeness, it seems that Mr. Kawakami and I have some similar problems in life. Not only do we both share an aversion to eye drops, it seems that both of us suffer from hayfever AND a compulsion to constantly hit the snooze button in the mornings …
The snooze button on the alarm clock? …
Altho … it does sort o make you wonder if that guy’s been spending a little too much time with Jenji Kohan, huh?
* * *
Now, while the inventor of the following piece is NOT a member of Mr. Kawakami’s illustrious society, he probably SHOULD be …
I forget the guy’s name, but here’s the skinny: he’s a full out geek computer programmer who lost his finger in a motorcycle accident last year. He has since designed (and actually wears) a prosthetic finger which is equipped with a — you probably guessed already — a fully functioning flash drive.
Not quite a “thumb” drive, but …
(sorry, that was really corny)
* * *
Again, not from the slippery mind of a practitioner of Chindogu, but from the mind of a Japanese inventor all the same, allow me to present to you the Bow’lingual Translator …
Yeah … it (allegedly) translates Fido’s barks, growls and other vocalizations. Those folks need to hook up with that whole Chindogu thing.
Ya know … if you play around with it a little bit, you could probably modify that thing to into a device that will translate the latest bullshit from the White House. We could call it the Bowel’ingual Translator!
* * *
Moving along …
One final invention of 2009 that TOTALLY grabbed my attention was the PediSedate!
Look at those eyes, will ya?!?!?!? LOOK AT ‘EM!
LOOOOOK AT ‘EM!
To say that this little girl is happy is an understatement of monumental proportions! Hell, “stoned” would be an understatement …
You see, the goofy, purple device upon her head is the coveted PediSedate.
And what, you may ask, is a “PediSedate”?
Well, it is the most brilliant brainchild of an AMERICAN inventor! Allow me to allow his P.R. people to introduce this … this … MOST ingenious device:
PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down from its resting place atop the head, PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide.
Yeah, you read that right … NITROUS OXIDE!
Dudes, come ON … a Whippet delivery system that integrates with your stereo?!?!?!
GET OUTA HERE!!!!!!!!!! That’s …
It’s actually a pediatric device to help get children a little looped up before minor procedures that don’t warrant full anesthesia.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever … you KNOW you want one of those for recreational use too!!!!
* * *
The Fashion Industry!
Yes, it was a BUSY year for the fashion industry too, sports fans.
The wonderful people at Swarovski brought us the Bling-kini …
Not bad, not bad …
The fashion industry also saw the introduction of … I don’t EVEN know what to call this, but it’s (allegedly) the latest fad in jeans …
Uh … yeah … winking jeans. [twitch] …
I don’t know about you, but if I want a butt winking back at me, there’s a lot of other … well … I dunno … I’ll just leave that alone for now.
In an effort to maintain some modicum of continuity, let’s stick with jeans for a moment, shall we?
Now … you know that when a man spies a female body that is to his particular liking, and the object of his eye’s affections happens to be wearing a perfectly fit pair of jeans, a question that often accompanies that brief moment in time is whether she’s the type of girl that wears a thong.
Well, once again, thanks to our friends in Japan, our women-folk no longer have to be overly coy …
Of course, those are really only cool when it’s a gal OTHER than your daughter wearing them.
You really don’t want me to “go there” with that subject. Let’s simply say that when it comes to raising girls, my parenting skills probably makes Ghengis Khan or hardline Islamic men pale in comparison.
Anyhow … since the Spousal Unit HAS been known to occasionally sneak through this place, I should probably refrain from any further discussion on this matter unless I want to risk something like THIS:
All the same, those jeans really are smokin’ hot!
* * *
THE FUTURE! What’s in store for 2010?
Let’s take a few minutes on our magic puppy ride and travel a little into the future, shall we?
The 2010 calendars showing up at the mall and local bookstores everywhere portend to a year of old-fashioned goodness and more!
Really, I meant that “seriously” part … here’s February:
. . .
But, if wholesome Mormon girls aren’t really your thing, 2010 is also ushering in an era of other interesting calendars …
J’yup, that’s a real image taken from a real calendar!
. . .
If zombies are a little too messy, how about coffins?
W … T … F … ????
* * *
Now THERE’s an “undertaker” for ya!!!!
* * *
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
How ’bout the Swiss Miss 2010 calendar!
There’s also the “Foxy Hunters 2010″ calendar!
* * *
* * *
Wow, looks like I’m running out of time …
Since Chumly is not likely to take time out of his busy schedule to blog here any time soon, allow me to pass along to you a joke that he passed along to me today …
OK, so you’re out hunting . . .
it’s the beginning of the rut, bucks and does are running around like they have no brain whatsoever,
you know your buddy is in the next blind over and you’re both hoping to get a deer on opening weekend,
all of a sudden you look out to your left and see this …
The question is …
under the new Fish, Game and Wildlife statewide regulations what are you supposed to do?
Do you shoot the one with the bigger rack . . . or the gay one?
* * *
* * *
Well, there’s a better than average possibility that this will be my last blog posting for 2009. Turns out that I’ll be turning over a few new leaves this next year … some of them not being entirely my own doing, but anyhow … since this is my final sign off for the year, I guess we can indulge one last moment of selfish indulgence …
Have you seen Snow Cow???
Seems the early snow fall last weekend brought out our elusive friend, Snow Cow (which, by and by, should never be confused with the elusive Butt Ox … but that’s another story for another day). Please join me in a moment of silence whilst we share a prayer for the safe and healthy return of our hero, Snow Cow.
[bow heads now]
* * *
Holy crap, guys! You close your eyes for a mere few seconds and THIS is the sort of crap that pops into your mind????
That is downright disturbing! Shame on you … on ALL of you …
* * *
So, the urge to blast out some really pissed off political bloggage is definitely brewing away inside. Thing is, anything I’m in the mood to rant about has already been covered. Worse still, I fear that apathy and cynicism is so rampant in our society that such blogs are tantamount to preaching to the choir. The only people reading them are the people who agree … who are equally as pissed off … and still, “we” continue to vote in the same worthless career criminals and ass-hats.
So, whilst I decide what to write about over at my “Politico” website, wadda ya say we take a stroll through some of my photograph archives?
Those who’ve followed my online shenanigans over the years are aware that I sport a rather hefty image collection. Nothing at all compared to my MP3 collection, which is — quite frankly — downright impressive(over 7,800 albums, and roughly 105,000 songs).
All the same, my photo collection is not only thorough, but contains imagines from around the planet … and a good number of them of places very, VERY far away.
In fact, a few of them were taken during some of my shenanigans while experimenting with a friend’s time travel device:
Enough gloating, though.
* * *
Some have asked why I abandoned MySpace. Apart from having already written about the retarded level of drama and worse, I really should add that the place … well, it just lacks class, ya know?
Seriously … MySpace has truly become the trailer park of social websites.
Speaking of trailer parks and since it IS the “holiday season” which, as we all know, brings with it PLENTY of Christmas cheer … let’s take a moment to reflect upon the little children of the world raised in such places.
Looks like the little bumpkin was up ALL NIGHT, doesn’t it?
* * *
Earlier this week, a dear friend of the Spousal Unit innocently posted a question on my Facebook page, asking, “What is camel toe anyway?”
I have to admit, I stared at that question and blinked a few times in confusion. I mean, Mary is about my age, maybe a little younger. Granted, she LOOKS a great deal younger than me, but all the same … it’s not like little Miss Mary has lead a particularly sheltered life.
So, since this was asked on Facebook … and since I have most of my family and some family friends linked to that profile … most notably, my wife … I struggled with how best to answer that question.
I mean, if nothing else, answering that question too directly could easily lead one into a veritable shit storm …
We don’t want that!
. . .
It finally occurred to me that perhaps it’s not just Mary who has not heard that particular vernacular …
And that, folks … in all seriousness… falls into the category of:
* * *
So, since we’re on the subject … the term camel toe is a bit more versatile than you may think!
To start with, you’ve got the painfully obvious … there’s the perfectly literal sense of the term:
* * *
There’s always the SLIGHTLY less than literal as well …
Sorry, but that is amongst one of the COOLEST tattoos I’ve ever seen!
* * *
Believe it or not, “The Camel Toe” enjoys a certain amount of notoriety in the fashion industry as well. Behold, my friends, the Camel Toe sandals!
Once again, ladies and gentlemen … I am crapping you negative! That is a REAL product … or, at least, once was.
Speaking of product advertisements …
I dare say that probably never was a real product …
* * *
You see, there are just some things one shouldn’t post on their blog once the cat is out of the bag and family members are linked in …
* * *
Which brings me back to my point. When it comes to posting stuff on the internet . . .
Always remember boys and girls …
No, I don’t like big, nasty, knobby knees … the title is yet another of my feeble attempts to curtail my cursing. It’s another … shall we say … Faux Curse!
I mean, let’s face it … for some of us, the not entirely uncommon phrase, “Nigga, PLEASE!” really has a place, but … us “Crackaz” really aren’t allowed to go there.
But let’s just get moving along and take a quick look at some of the strange happenings in the world this week that MIGHT cause one to utter such a phrase … if one was rightfully allowed to do so.
. . .
Exhibit One: Black Out surprise!
A university student in China went and got himself more than thoroughly inebriated last weekend.
I know, since when did college students start engaging in “binge drinking”, right???
All the same, when he awoke the next morning, still feeling entirely less than perfectly sober, he was suffering from sharp, stabbing pains in his lower abdomen. As the day progressed the pain did not subside. Ultimately, the young man made his way to the Hunan Hangtian Hospital whereupon he was finally taken for an x-ray.
Whereupon the attending x-ray technician and physician, Dr. Wei Lung Zhi, were confronted with something that I can only imagine seemed (at the very least) patently bizarre.
Embedded deep within the poor boy’s rectal cavity was the remote control for his television.
Ya know, I’ve done some things to people who were dumb enough to pass out in my presence. I mean, in the world I come from, that’s really high on the “party foul” scale. But not once, ever, in my history of ebrius maximus pranks, have I ever considered doing something this … wrong!
The attending physician was later quoted as saying, “He will be fine in time but the remote was a write-off.”
. . .
Exhibit Two: Mondo-Bizarro Christmas Gifts
This really isn’t a single exhibit, it’s more of a series. All the same, walk with me (in the virtual sense, of course) as we explore some of the downright useless and strange gifts being offered this year!
First we have …
Uh …. yeah, okay. You know the world has GOT to coming to end soon when mankind has reached THIS level of unashamed laziness!
. . .
Next we have am alarm clock that is, curiously enough, name the “Wake n Bake.” As I’m sure you’ll quickly realize, this is NOT what I had in mind when I saw *that* name …
Early morning munchies anyone???
. . .
What do you get for the married women who has everything … including a spouse she absolutely detests?
I’m willing to bet this would be a BIG hit with the Spousal Unit! If this shows up under the Christmas tree this year, I’m putting a deadbolt on my bedroom door that can only be unlocked from the inside! (uh, yeah … different rooms … :o\ … )
. . .
This next one, however … is simply PRICELESS!
. . .
Well, sports fans, that’s about all I have time for today. Since this was a blog that was exceptionally short on text / knowledge / informification / pearls of wisdom, I offer you — my dear and cherished reader — the following Discovery moment.
Please … take a few brief moments from your day and click now.
. . .
Until next time …
. . .
PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!
… you will love our bacon … you will love our bacon …
I stumbled across an article this morning announcing the results of a recent study and claiming that men prefer to smell of bacon over the smell of babies.
This got me to thinking …
Babies … spittle, dribbles of vomit, loaded diapers.
But bacon? Why on Earth was this even used as a basis of comparison.
I mean, think about it …
You have …
. . .
. . . VERSUS . . .
. . .
Are you KIDDIN’ me?!?!?!
. . .
Rather than research the raw data I began a mental journey all my own, convinced that I could solve this mystery on my own.
BUT WAIT … before we begin, make sure to grab your Magic Thinking Cap …
I know, I know … ever *that* sort of looks like bacon, doesn’t it??? [wink] … the bacon hypnosis is working … it’s working!!!
As my postulations and meditations on bacon began, I quickly realized that man has quite the affinity for bacon. Well, if you discount those horribly effeminate men who call themselves Vegans.
. . .
Dogs, they say, are man’s best friend …
. . .
. . .
That MIGHT be taking the whole “man’s best friend” thing a little too far, though.
. . .
I then recalled some of the delightful bacon dishes I’ve encountered over the years. Delicious dishes that only a man would design!
. . .
YES! Bacon encrusted donuts! What more could a man ask for?
. . .
As you should know by know, be careful about posing questions to me …
. . .
As I thought about it, another memory came to mind … a culinary memory that involved bacon …
. . .
. . . and donuts …
. . .
The Bacon Cheeseburger with a Krispy Cream Donut as the bun!
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Could that be it, though?
. . .
Could there be more to bacon than just these little culinary treats?
. . .
Evidently, someone else in the world thinks so …
[blink] … [blink]
. . .
. . .
Yeah, that one sort of caught me off guard too.
. . .
But only for a moment …
. . .
. . .
It immediately hit me … there was — embedded somewhere deeply in my synapses — a memory of something that I believe very well may be approaching the pinnacle of bacon lover’s bliss …
. . .
The Bacon Bra!
. . .
And we all know how competitive the world is … and just when you thought we had achieved the plateau of bacon brilliance, I remembered this image …
. . .
Bacon == Win!
. . .
Update: The highly esteemed Buck’s World contributor, Nuthin, swung by last night and uploaded an additional bacon pic that definitely belongs as part of this post. To further advance the maxim that Bacon == Win! I proudly present:
. . .
And if you’re interested, there’s a dude that documented a fun looking recipe to make bacon infused vodka, Absolut Bacon is what he calls it!
But if, like me, you’re more on the lazy side, there’s always …
Proving once again …
. . .
Bacon == Win!
Have you seen any of the recent “brain fart” commercial from kgb?
Check it out if you haven’t …
That one absolutely cracked me up … if for no other reason than I grew up hearing that term quite regularly (my dad often made a gallant effort at covering for my stupidity when Mom saw it for what it really was, “Naw, honey … the boy just had a brain fart, that’s all”).
Anyhow … I was actually trying to go somewhere with this thought …
Ah, yes … Global Warming, that was it … (I know, I know … the latest, PC euphemism is “climate change”)
Here recently, the Royal Academy (in the U.K.) opened a new display entitled, “Earth: Art of a Changing World.” The show is themed around global warming and the feature artist is Tracey Emin, age 46, pictured below with some of her recent work:
She looks overjoyed, does she not? I only wish I knew what was handwritten below those cheesy looking birds! (btw: is anyone even proud of the fact that I actually looked beyond the boobs and even noticed the penciled writing? Granted, my initial thought was, “does that say, ‘now go throw your semen at any one’ … ???”)
But anyhow …
So, what REALLY crossed my mind was, why was the lovely Tracey Emin chosen as the featured artist? As fate would have it, I stumbled across an explanation in her own words mere moments later …
I’m not a good person. I’m a bad advert. I take too many planes… I keep my heating on all day and night because I get really cold and I’m scared of the dark so I sleep with the light on”
I see … it all makes perfect sense now. (if you were here with me now, you’d surely notice my left eyelid twitching … albeit mildly, but twitching all the same)
. . .
. . .
The lovely miss Emin is not the only artist on display … also included are works by the likes of Antony Gormley …
And yes, I’m crapping you negative … the display, entitled, “Amazonian Field”, is comprised of nothing more than hundreds upon hundreds of retarded looking clay figures that fill a more-than-modest sized room.
Ya know, I could sum up this whole matter of Global Warming AND modern “art” with the following masterpiece:
(yes, that IS a massive pile of cow patties … or, in the common vernacular, a GIANT PILE OF BULL SHIT!)
And yes, I also realize that the terms “cow” and “bull” are not entirely interchangeable. This is doubly true when it comes to the matter of milking …
BUT ANYHOW …
. . .
I hope you’ve been enjoying the recent entries from Buck’s World’s newest resident alien, Nuthin. I’ve known our flack jacketed super-hero at a distance for … well, it’s been a few years now, I suppose … and, for whatever reason, it wasn’t until I made the break from MySpace that he and finally hit it off.
And yes, there’s a reason I mention him … in fact, I would like to think that I rarely blather without a purpose. In fact, one of my most over-used lines over the years when I’ve hosted various interactive type forums was, “The point here is to have a point.” My good friend Emma might remember that line being used when we hosted a show on the MPlayer network. People that were being moronic, or just being otherwise pointless, would hear parting words, “Hey, @$$hole, the point here is to HAVE A POINT!”
At which point the room moderator (aka: the acting Evil Overlord) would drop the gavel and terminate that person’s connection to our audio “chat room.”
Good times! … Good times, indeed.
But anyhow …
My buddy, Nuthin, in a moment of “ebrius prudentia” closed his last blog post with:
Which, yet again, caused me to drift back to days gone by.
Any of you remember the Little Caesars pizza joints?
There was cute little cartoon dude in the Roman get-up that’d blurt out, “PIZZA! PIZZA!” at the end of the commercials?
Well … years ago, I was having one of my little “twitch moments” … a phenomenon that the Spousal Unit applies the euphemism “inner chill” when she has one … whilst watching that same commercial … and I was, at once, smitten with the idea for my OWN little chain of pizza and sandwich shops!
. . .
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut anyhow …
. . .
Since twitching and seizures seems to have become the theme du jour …
Have you heard about the performance artist / actress in the U.K. who willingly went off of her epilepsy meds a little under a month ago? Yeah, seriously … she’s grown rather appalled at the “rubber necking” mentality and the — as she refers to it — “voyeuristic nature” of people who Google or YouTube epileptic seizures.
Again, I am CRAPPIN’ YOU NEGATIVE!
Sorry, sorry … wrong picture. This is about epileptics, seizures and all of that other good, fun stuff … not camel toes and buxomality …
This part of the story is about Rita Marcalo …
(wow, talk about going from one extreme to another …)
Here’s the deal … Rita Marcalo (said performance artist / dancer / actress) has stopped taking her epilepsy medication for the express purpose of a production she has loving titled … wait for it ..
WAIT FOR IT …
Yup, once again, I am crappin’ you negative!
She claims she is doing this to “raise awareness of the condition.”
She will use strobe lighting, fasting and raising her body temperature to try and bring about a seizure. People are invited to film her at the theatre in the U.K. where she will be … uh … “performing” these involuntary dances.
Miss Marcalo was quoted as saying:
“One of the reasons I am doing this is because epilepsy is an invisible disability. As an artist I am very interested in this idea of doing something in my art that is the opposite of what I do in my life. In my own life it is private but in art I make it public.
“If you Google or YouTube `epileptic seizures’ you come up with all kinds of mobile phone footage which has been filmed without the patients’ consent. Part of me doing this is to address the voyeurism. I am saying, I am choosing to let you do this.”
The audience, restricted to people over the age of 18, will be provided with sleeping bags and breakfast and — get this — will be woken by a siren the moment she suffers a seizure so they can record it on their mobile phones.
Oh, and did I mention that she this “performance art” is being funded by a $23,000 grant?
And I can’t get research funding to drink beer and burp my worm???
. . .
And finally … in recognition the hard work that the modern day school system invests in blowing smoke into orifices where smoke simply does not belong … check out this little gem that was sent to the parents of students of a Bacalava, Ontario school’s the 7th grade science class:
The Grade 7 Science classes are nearing the completion for the unit Pure Substances and Mixtures. In this unit, students have been introduced to the Particle Theory of Matter, and to some of the terminology related to the field of chemistry. They have also been given the opportunity to explore, and conduct experiments related to the properties of solutions and mechanical mixtures.
At this time all students are encouraged to discuss with you the content and expectations of the culminating task along with how it will be assessed. This culminating task allows students to demonstrate the knowledge and skills that he/she has learned throughout the module. Although students are responsible to independently complete this task, we would very much appreciate your assistance for the experimenting component, as students require access to a kitchen and some ingredients to develop their own mixture.
Thank you in advance for your interest and co-operation.
Translation: The children were making cupcakes at home as their “science project.”
. . .
Which brings us right back to where we started: Brain Farts and bull shit …
. . .
Until next time, sports fans …
Wait: speaking of bull shit, I’d like you to SERIOUSLY reconsider all the shit we’ve been force fed about this so-called “man made climate change” … remember the crap about how HUMANS are somehow pushing polar bears to the brink of extinction? As it turns out, that too was total and complete bovine excrement as well. Most populations are growing … and those that aren’t are currently engaged in brutal acts of cannibalism!
Don’t believe me?
Well, in that case …
PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!
Hello kiddies and cattle and welcome to another installment of, ” The Deepness that is Nuthinness “
This morning I surfed on over to the Jack Handy website for my daily dose of ingrown inspirational insight and intellectual intelligence where I stumbled upon this gem…
“When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street at first I felt sorry for him, but then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, well no wonder your a bum look at the dumb things you bought.”
“…that Jack handy…hes an ‘effin genius.”
Man…thats deep. Which reminds me of another deeply philosophical question that has been plaugeing mankind for millions of years…
I think this settles it.
Its been getting colder here the last few days, highs in the low thirties, and the temperature in my office/old decrepit garage (long story) where my desk and headquarters is positioned strategically to be headquartered @ and headed-up also known as “AKA” “HQ”, hasn’t gotten much above 50 degrees.
Which kinda makes my head numb. All damn day long. Yesterday (like you care) I wore insulated pants and 3 shirts and kept my jacket and hat on all morning long and by lunch all I could hear above the music (Tool) streaming from Pandora was the chattering of my teeth.
So when I took my HALF HOUR lunch (12:00 NOON to something near 1:30ish), I came back with an overly large electric heater to warm the place up a smidge. Which made playing Battlefield Hero’s all afternoon until we quit around 4:30, much more enjoyable than that mornings session spent playing Tiger Woods golf, and surfing the daily regemin of internet time wasting sites, i.e. funny news sites, bucksworld, monopoly city streets, bucksworld, boygeniusreport, weird news sites, bucksworld, ebay, busted tees…you get the idea.
Much thanks to the people over at Busted Tees, without whose help I would have never been able to steal all their cool t-shirt designs, I am going to kinda randomly sprinkle a few of my favorites from that site here and there throughout…well, everywhere.
speaking of cold…
absolute zero…although I prefer to use the Kelvin scale, which is what all the threemommeters in my house are calibrated too.
So all this cold has got me hankerin’ a bit for the warmer climates… and all the beautiful sun-bunnies that go along with those places.
isnt she fiiiiine!
I think the kids face says it all…and how about her bikini top…I have to say, I am impressed, a little pukey, but impressed nonetheless.
I worried about the kid for awhile, worried he might have been traumatized by his grandmother during those shared lazy days spent whiling away the sunlit hours at the beach, but I found this picture of him all grow’d up and as yuou can tell from this pic he turned out juuuuust fine.
A well adjusted member of society raising a beautiful family.
I dont suppose I have much room to talk though, this is usually how I look by the end of the summer…minus the radiant shine of pure intellectual prowess emblazoned upon his visage of course.
So the cold and snow here is reminding me that its that time of year where holiday shopping is beginning to consume everything and I want you people to remember that there comes a time when we all need to just slow down and refocus on what really matters. We sometimes need to readjust our thinking, recalibrate what the media has convinced us to shift our priorities towards, and not forget that the true meaning of Christmas is Santa Claus. and presents. and mememe moremoremore. Lets focus people, I will be personally sending each of you my list and I want all of you to pick five things and mail them to me as soon as possible, the price limit is $200 (nothing below).
While your out perusing the malls and bigboxstores of the world searching for everything on my list I want you all to remember to enjoy yourselves. Have a wondferful time hunting down gifts for me and dont forget…
truth be told all I really want for Christmas this year is this
yeah I know it, im a goofy computer nerd at heart, but these things are really effin cool. Dont believe me, go see for yourself, www.getbuckyballs.com, if that video doesnt make you want some of these then your more normal than I thought and you dont belong here. Leave immediately.
anywho…thats all for now, have a wonderful day, oh shit…I almost forgot, I have one more thing…
Buck has kindly inspired me to share some more of my poetry with you all, and I dont want to disappoint him so here goes!!!
Nuthin’s Vogon Poetry Corner
there once was a man from missouri
whose arms were both long and furry
Bills ass went a twitchin
so Bill got to itchin
and his aching soon turned to worry
for once was girl from Kentucky
and Billy thought he got lucky
but soon he would see
when it hurt to pee
that fuckin aint always so ducky
Bills arm was long as a snake
and the next time his junk got to ache
he’d reach down below
and knead his own dough
and avoid the Kentucky mistake
so now im done…
my final words of wisdom for today…
I mean, is it just me or do things seem to getting more and more surreal with every passing day anymore?????
Alright, boys and girls, it’s time once again to take a little side tour of this little rock we collectively call home and see some of the things that mainstream media is too busy stirring the pot of hysteria that is “swine flu” and constantly attempting to manipulate the masses into believing our Evil Emperor … er, I mean President Obama.
So, grab a tasty beverage …
Put the kids away for a few minutes so you can avoid interruption …
And join me on a walk through the news room of my mind …
Before we begin, though … I do want to take a quick moment to say how MUCH I have enjoyed the advent of Spell Check. I’ve never had typing classes and I’ve somehow evolved from an “index fingers only”, hunt and peck typist to someone who actually has most of his fingers flying across this keyboard in an almost epileptic like manner. My point being, these fits and twitches that result in my “typing” are often chock full of typographical errors and worse. Thanks to that little thing we call spell checker, SOME of my shame is able to remain hidden!
They say that, sometimes, Life …
Comes at ya fast!
Perhaps a little too fast at times, but that’s another story for another day for me …
Inventors are an odd lot, as many of you already well know. Not all of them, mind you, but it takes a special sort of person to “think outside of the box.”
(the enlightened ones realize there is no box, but anyhow)
This young man from Korea invented a … uh … well, please feel free to offer an opinion as to what this should be named down in the comments section below.
In fact, I find it somewhat rude of you to show up and not even leave as much as a comment, but that’s a lecture for another day …
You may, much like me, find that cart-cycle to be wholly impractical, am I wrong?
But what about THIS????
Yeah, baby! A portable practice putting which doubles as a bra!!!!
I’d like to think that this might partially silence those who have lambasted Asians for “stealing our ideas and making cheaper knock-offs.”
That’s pure creative genius there, boy!
However, not all inventions are particularly awe-inspiring …
Now that we’ve thoroughly spoiled and pampered our children into a dim-witted state of complete dependence, let’s now melt our pet’s brains too, huh?
And some inventions are really downright cool, but come just a little bit too late.
Behold, the Luggage Sofa!
Yes, several pieces of luggage that were strategically designed to be fitted together into a comfy little love seat for the couple in transit experiencing delays at the air port.
Sadly, you can’t carry on much of anything anymore …
Inventions were not the only noteworthy news items that I stumbled upon this week, oh no.
I also learned that alcohol is now, allegedly, the greatest threat to society. Seriously, feel free to check out the article for yourself. It may be of note that this was coming from a pissed off man who was fired from his government post for insisting that marijuana is less dangerous that alcohol.
Now, while alcohol may be bad for the individual who over imbibes, such as this poor man who has been an alcoholic for a good many years now …
As it turns out, my opinion is that the guy simply got too late of a start in life.
But anyhow …
I read another story about a woman who, after having sex, sometimes experiences something known as, transient global amnesia”, or a complete, albeit usually temporary, loss of memory and the inability to form new memories which is caused by pressure in blood vessels in the brain. Furthermore, they say that this can be triggered by strenuous activities such as bowel movements or sex.
After engaging in what, I must imagine, was a particularly zesty coital session last August, the couple turned on the T.V. and the wife was amazed that the Olympics were on. Sensing that something was not altogether right about this question, he asked, ‘OK, what day is it?'”
When she couldn’t answer, he asked her to name the current President, to which she replied: “Bill Clinton.” He called an ambulance at once.
Love and Marriage … goes together like a …
Speaking of marital relations … I dare say that most women are painfully unaware of exactly how much they can push their husbands over the edge. Not all wives, mind you … in my seven-plus years of uninterrupted marital bliss, I dare say that the Spousal Unit has not once given me cause for anger.
But anyhow, such is not the case for many a poor soul in this increasingly woman dominated world in which we live.
This aging gentleman, known only as Lin, Yuyi, Fujian, was admitted to the hospital this week after driving a massive framing nail into his own skull after an extensive period of nagging and worse by his wife …
Of course, who’s to say that the poor bastard isn’t so p*$$y whipped that he chose to claim he did it himself rather than incur even further wrath by tipping off police as to who was really to blame …
Ya never know …
Well, I could ramble until fingertips bleed … and dontcha know that I actually DO enjoy hearing myself type (I know, you’re shocked!) … but I need to cut this short and get on with my day. I promise you that I have PLENTY more tasty morsels to share with you in the days and weeks to come. Recent additions to my photo collection, not to speak of the dozens upon dozens of new and bizarre road and building signs from around the globe …
But before I sign off, I want to take a moment to thank the men and women who risked, nay even given, their lives in the pursuit of liberty. Those who have defended our constitution, who have fought for the cause of freedom, we THANK YOU!
My father served in Vietnam. Yes, I realize this was a war that was an absolute political debacle. It was a painful time for our country, and when it was all said and done, we exited that war with little dignity, a thrashed economy, and we ran out a president in shame. In short, by the late 1970’s we really felt like shit about ourselves.
I extend a special, albeit somewhat self-centered, thank you to the men and women who dutifully served in Vietnam. You were spat upon instead of appreciated … and no amount of collective shitty feelings justifies the manner in which you were treated upon your already tormented return home. I can only hope and pray that the generation coming into their own today rises up and undoes much of the social upheaval and cognitive melt-down that stemmed from the blossoming of decades of communist subversion that lead to the so-called “Summer of Love.”
This week a Federal U.S. judge (Cameron Currie) ruled that South Carolina may NOT make available “vanity” license plates that display a Christian cross and the words, “I Believe.” Her painfully flawed and PC-mangled logic being that it’s un-Constitutional and violates some imaginary idea of “separation of Church and State.” I say that because she is insisting that the PUBLIC does not have the right to PAY to express their freedom of religion.
Of course, the fall-out of this past century of Marxist influence upon our society has duped us into believing that freedom OF religion must now be treated as freedom FROM religion.
The world is a strange place indeed …
Funny how even many overseas see Obama as a dangerous man …
Goo luck, boys and girls. Make sure to thank a veteran today … make sure to take a moment to think about what is REALLY important and look into what you can do to have your voice heard. We already know that the insanely hysteric minority has been making their voice heard and have been responsible for bizarre and broad-sweeping change to the way we live our lives.
Make sure YOUR voice is heard to, my friends.
Before I sign off, I’d like you to think about something, especially as it relates to all of the so-called promises being made to us by the likes of Obama, Pelosi and Barney Frank.
Their promises to us are about as worthwhile as this menu is to that seagull …
Well anyhow … it’s definitely time for me to go and shake the hands of a few men and women who HAVE been goodly enough to turn their patriotism into action.
Until next time …
PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!
Cover you eyes, kiddies …
You’re about to see the world …… … … …
thru Buck’s eyes !
Rather than confront the realities that await me away from this worn and tattered keyboard I, instead, chose to alight myself away from the domicile and distract myself with the memories of this year’s additions to my ever-growing photo collection.
A quick aside: now that I have family and personal, real-life, non-cyber friends occasionally viewing these semi-fluidic mental meanderings, I should take a moment to introduce you to something I’ve enjoyed doing for almost 2 decades now. I believe the geek-speak for this form of time mismanagement is “picture blogging” or something of that sort. For the sake of time and efficiency, rather than describe what it is that I like to occasionally do, let’s just let the big ol’, bad ol’ cartoon that is my outlook on life begin and by the time we’re done you’ll have come to your own conclusions (and perhaps a question or two).
In the beginning …
there was MAD COW DISEASE …
And then …
there was the AVIAN FLU!!!!
And then, as if THAT weren’t enough …
the world then confronted a mass outbreak of the SWINE FLU …
My friend, Emily, said it perfectly yesterday …
Well, *I* at least thought it was funny …
Most of my images are collected from pictures embedded within various news stories from around the world. Mainstream media in America is so busy try to juggle the compulsion to affect politics while, at the same time, remain sensationalistic enough to garner larger viewer ratings, most of the media outside our borders don’t forget to report on things that are of interest to us garden variety citizens of Earth.
One example would be this year’s “Masculine Health Day” as celebrated in China …
(don’t get upset with ME … I TOLD you to cover your eyes!)
And it’s not just the Chinese who are so obsessed with the phallus! Oh, nossir … not whatsoever!
Actually, I changed my mind as the two pics I have from the Japanese Penis Festival this year in Utamaro are even more graphic.
So, moving along …
As I perused the image collection, I stumbled across an early moment of Obama infamy. Remember shortly after Barak took office, he commissioned Air Force One to do a little fly-by of New York City?
Everybody else seemed very taken aback by how thoughtless it was of him to not even consider the nightmarish memories he brought back to the residents of that strange city. Personally, I looked at images like that on the television the night of this event and thought,
“Mr. Barack Hussein Obama is sending a not so subtle message, now isn’t he?”
And that’s not the only way people in the modern world show off. In addition to shameless demonstrations of authority, such as the one referenced above, we also have …
the joys of BLING!
And this is not a distinctly American phenomena either. Here’s some Italian bling for ya …
Uh … yeah …
In previous blogs over the years, I’ve always delighted in encountering extreme branding failures. There are times when the people in branding/advertising get so caught up in their own bizarre little world that they completely lose track of reality and how anything appears to the rest of the world.
Recently, Barnes & Nobles PROUDLY announced the …
Nook e-Book reader
If you’re not shaking your head, take a moment to say that out loud:
Nook e-book …
I guess that’s the iPod of the internet porn generation.
Ah, advertising … there’s an area of life where I really I could have had a lot of fun, especially if working with a small group of friends and a steady diet of tasty adult beverages!
All the same, even seemingly innocent mistakes can provide a certain degree of unintended entertainment.
Some examples …
Design Irony …
Inbred Sign Writers …
And, one of my favorites … evening news graphics bloopers …
Well sports fans, that’s about all I have for today. The Spousal Unit awaits me, we still have much to do on this fine sunny day.
Oh, and in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been attempting to clean up my language a little bit. So, instead of lazily relying upon the simple-minded crudeness of curse words, I will instead endeavor to make up my own fake curse words.
And on that note … until we meet again …
PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!