Archive for October, 2009

The News Askew, 30 Oct 2009

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls … children of ALL ages …

… well, mostly … this really ISN’T a “family friendly” website, if you haven’t already figured out …

Welcome once again to yet another episode of …

IAFUWCB-clean

This has been a WILD week in the news. I mean, WHERE DO I EVEN START?!?!?!?!

I REALLY do not want to talk about those soulless spawn of Sodom and Gamorrah who gang raped a young girl outside of that high school in San Francisco. All I can say is that those (Faux Curse) deserve something far worse than the death penalty … and I dare not speak my mind about the onlookers who jeered, laughed and did NOTHING. My lord, this was WAY too much of an example of how intensely FUBAR the world can be.

So … let’s move on, shall we? I think the week has brought us more than our fair share of moral calamity, personal tragedy (RIP: Barry), and political inanity. How about a few things to hopefully make us laugh … or at the very least, scratch our heads?

Yeah, I like that idea better too.

The King of Poop … “Better Off Dead”?

Harsh headline, huh? Well, don’t go flinging poo at me about it, ok? That was a hotly debated headline from the U.K. paper, The Telegraph. Well, the “Better off dead” part is theirs … ‘King of Poop’ was my contribution.

Why, you may ask, do I say that?

Well, for many years people have expressed supreme confusion about Jacko’s seeming addiction to plastic surgery.What in the name of all that is holy would possess anyone to even WANT to look like this?

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Some have questioned if he was obsessed with looking more like his sister, Janet Jackson, that she does. Earlier on, I could see that line of reasoning.

Some have gone as far as pointing out, “Only in America can a poor young black boy grow up to become a rich, white woman.”

But all the same, the final incarnation of Jacko was … well … really effin bizarre!!!!

Well, as fate would have it … and I have to admit, despite the calamity that HAS befallen darkened the doorstep of my heart on more than one occasion in my adult life, Fate still does have a way of bringing plenty of good my way!

Anyhow … as I was perusing the news I stumbled across the answer that has seemingly eluded us all. Jacko’s inspiration for this freak-show disaster of cosmetic surgery:

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(you KNOW Mick Jagger would be green with envy over those those lips!!!!!)

All the same … the film “This Is It!” was released this week. Did you notice that was the big lit-up sign on stage? Creepy how it really turned out to be statement of fact. Sort of makes me wonder if he’s not hanging out on some super secret island with Hendrix, Elvis, Bruce Lee and the others accused of staging their own deaths to escape the limelight.

All the same, as you’re probably aware, the movie is being billed as a “gift to Michael Jackson fans.” A GIFT? Are those bastards that out of touch with movie ticket prices these days? Entertainment Weekly quoted one Hollywood exec as saying, “It’s [the movie] going to make a gazillion dollars. There’s never been anything like this. They should call it Dead Man Moonwalking.”

Advance sales have already surpassed the new Twilight sequel, and — shockingly enough — Sony Pictures is now rethinking its earlier plan to limit the run to two weeks.

If you’re interested, you can HEAD HERE to read the full article that got a few fussy little Jacko fans into a thong-twisted hissy fit earlier this week.

. . .

The Beautiful People, The Beautiful People …

Nope, we’re not talking about Marilyn Manson today … instead, let’s take a quick look at the bizarre and freakish world of exclusivity. In a culture where embracing diversity and all manner of other such homogenous nonsense is being forced upon us and an eye-watering pace, it’s refreshing to see some defying the tide.

Perhaps you’ve seen ads for or heard about one particularly controversial website: BeautifulPeople.com:

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Yowzers, indeed.

Not to be outdone, a group in (of all places) Long Beach, California have a “For Fatties Only” nightclub known as “Club BOUNCE!”

I’m crappin’ you negative, man!

club-BOUNCE_long-beach_fat-nightclub

Not saying there’s anything bad about big!

. . .

Well, that’s about all the time I have for today, sports fans. Stay tuned for another fun-filled episode of the News as Viewed Askew.

Oh, and for those so inclined to participate, Happy Halloween. And I hope you haven’t picked a costume that’s going to make YOUR kid seem as perfectly displeased as this poor pooch:

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. . .

Until next time, remember …

I’ll keep my guns, freedom and money …


You can keep the “Change!”

Courtroom drama … (a touching story, actually)

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Daport, MD (AP) – A seven-year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the jurisdiction’s child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents did and made an awkward but impassioned plea that he not be remanded to her custody. The judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, at which point the boy burst into tears and meekly intimated that they beat him also.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Washington Redskins, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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Please don’t tell me you saw that one coming …

Yes, I have to admit that my NFC team of choice is the Washington Redskins. Originally (and STILL) a Denver Broncos, I moved to the DC area many, many moons ago — just this side of the dark ages, actually — and upon not being able to regular find Broncos games on TV, I started following the the local team. Whether it was fortunate or not, it also happened to be in the midst of their glory days under Joe Gibbs (the first coming, that is).

Fast forward to today … and the throngs of those who refer to them as the Deadskins are numerous. Sadder still, most of them are frustrated fans. It has been over 10 years since the Redskins began their descent of shame. For a few years most of us loyal fans found a multitude of reasons to shrug it off. The most popular line being, “Hey, it’s a rebuilding season, give ’em a break!”

Well, after 10 (yes, TEN) “rebuilding seasons” the fan base is beginning to have its fill of the “new” owner who bought the team after our beloved Jack Kent Cooke passed away. Dan Snyder (said “new” owner) has been a micro-managing, abrasive prick on almost every level and now, after 10 years, the fans are beginning to revolt.

Below is a scan I performed of a pamphlet that was handed to me at the pub yesterday:

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I’d say that I couldn’t have written than any better myself, but …

A few weeks ago, however, I DID come up with what I thought was a funner / more appropriate first stanza to the team song:

Fail to the Redskins,

Fail victory

Fail on the warpath

Shame of all D.C.

My eldest son, a RABID, almost foaming at the mouth fan, never did respond to my posting that on his Facebook wall back then! LOL (ya know I love ya, boy!)

Travel Guide

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This afternoon I added a quick “how to” guide. It’s a first cut thing and it’ll expand over time. Towards the top of this page you’ll see links/buttons to three other pages on this site:

(out and …) About!

FOK!

Point B

FOK! is the travel guide … or, the Frequently Observed Kaons page (FAQ pages are just too passé)

It seemed a fitting name given the events of the week …

Enjoy.

Barry L. Gates: RIP, dude …

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I gotta tell ya … it’s just been one of those years. There’s a lot of details I’ll spare you for now, as they’re way too personal and still unfolding, so it makes no sense to elaborate, however … this morning, I learned that a friend of mine, Barry, took his own life.

I don’t think the reality of it all has really set in quite yet. It’s starting to, though … tears are not something that cross my cheekbones very often.

And no, I’m not a tough guy … cynical, a touch hardened by life, maybe a minor smattering of unresolved bitterness here and there … but not necessarily tough.

Barry, however … was pretty tough, especially for a man who often wore his heart on his sleeves.

My buddy, Barry Gates, was an adventurous man. To some he may have appeared a touch rough around the edges, but a devout friend he was.

Barry was best known as the traveling Harley mechanic here in the DC area. Harley Davidson enthusiasts from near and far relied on Barry to repair and assist in the maintenance of their prized bikes. Some of his more regular customers were police officers from numerous districts in the area. A strange partnership that engendered more than a few laughs from Barry some of us over the years.

“Stealth” is not a trait that I can recall anyone accusing Barry of. The proverbial bull in the china shop would be more applicable as he was not a quiet man by any stretch of the imagination. When he entered a room, everyone knew it, and in all but the most personally stressed of circumstances, he had a huge smile for his friends and a warm introduction to those he had not yet met. Barry was an intense man with passionate beliefs and even more passionate opinions at times, but at the end of a friendly disagreement there was often a big bear hug in waiting. At least that was my experience with going tow-to-toe with the man.

I was, by far, not amongst his closest friends, but we were friends all the same. His sudden and tragic exit from this life completely caught me and everyone I’ve spoken to more than a little off guard.

It’s ironic that in recent months I have referred to Barry in terms such as “mostly harmless.”

This morning, though … Barry was anything but harmless; to himself and — to a lesser extent — two others.

Perhaps I’ll come back to this subject when I’m not so flushed with emotions. The events of this morning have definitely taken me by surprise. I spent a good bit of time with Barry in recent days and nothing I can recall would ever lead me to believe that the circumstances that unfolded over the past 14 hours stood a chance of ever happening.

[sigh]

Rest in peace, mi brudda … rest in peace.

Barry L. Gates

August 4, 1964 ~ October 27, 2009

Barry-Gates

(a pic from Barry’s last road trip … his last beach sunset, Key West, Florida, September 2009)
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Motivational Posters, Part I

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You’ve most likely encountered more than one of those “motivational” posters over the years. The ones that involve a beautiful picture, a motivational keyword with a quick tie-together motivational saying underneath it.

Well, like anything that gains excessive popularity, one can always count on the minions of the Interweb to spin that around full 180 degrees, or at least warp it into something else completely beyond recognition.

I’ve made a few of my own over the years, and I dare say that it was no great loss to the comedic universe when they were lost when my previous domain was “stolen” from me and, thusly, all of the content therein discarded.

Today I present you with a couple of non-originals that have accumulated on image server here at work. Sorry that  I cannot give credit where credit is due, as I have absolutely zero clue from whence these came.

All the same … hope you at least get a grin!

emo-01

and then I found THIS gem …

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and finally … from close to the very top of the “WTF? FILES” …

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Well, sportsfans … that’s about it for today. Hope you have a fantastic weekend!

PEACE OFF,

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THIS JUST IN …

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21 October, 2009, Washington, DC (source unspecified)

This morning it was announced that the Heisman Trophy Trust of New York City awarded the Heisman Trophy to President Obama.

Our source, who asked that his identity not be revealed, said, “Well, we heard that the Pres actually watched a college football game this weekend. Despite not being able to ascertain which game he watched, everybody still thought it was an award worthy event.

“I mean, it’s not like we’re awarding the Nobel Peace Prize or anything, right?”

Pucker for a Kiss Test

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From one of my best friends of all time, Chumley …

pelosi-kiss

Etymology and YOU …

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Here’s a great example of how fun etymology can be. A dear friend of mine, Redz, introduced me to a massive book of American etymology years ago. The hours of cheap entertainment is potentially limitless.

Well, rather than listen to blather away about it, let’s just get on with said example:

blowin-smoke

Seems Obama-care is taking a page from the old school medicine play-book, huh????

Zen and the art of Hijacking!

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I’ve been doing this “blogging” thing for many more years than the term itself even existed. “Flaming” used to be a wildly popular pasttime for many … and this involved the fine art of lambasting some miserable soul who (quite obviously) was desperately in need of said thrashing.

Like so many other good things in life, however … the younger generation often jumps on board and makes a complete mockery of it.

But life goes on … and in this case, along came the fine linguistic art known as “Thread hijacking.”

This, my friends, involves a person — or persons — descending upon an otherwise civil and/or topical exchange and taking over that thread of conversation for their own twisted purposes. As will be demonstrated below, some have an almost exquisite gift for same. While I do not consider myself a master of “thread-jacking”, I have to admit that I found this morning’s Interweb discovery downright inspiring …

To wit … said discovery involved the “customer reviews” section of Amazon.com … oh my, and what a marvelous treasure trove I found there!

The Mountain Men’s Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee

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And HERE’S what a few customers had to say about this fine piece of clothing …

I have been wearing this shirt for 2,043 days straight and it smells like a fruit orchard. I have the retro version of this shirt, and I must tell you, I am not inclined to upgrade. Much like Samson in the Bible, the longer I wear this shirt, the more power I possess.

And customer number next had this to say …

I received this shirt as a gift for my 42nd birthday. I still remember coming up the stairs to see what mom had made for breakfast, and there it was, howling at me beside my Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich and my Jimmy Beam breakfast drink. I’d never seen such majesty before, beckoning at me and sending ripples across my stomach and into my nipples. I was home.

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Next item …

Uranium Ore!

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And let’s see what customers had to say about this fine, hard to find item …

I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems. Unfortuantly my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people’s privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore.

And another customer had this to say …

I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.

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And last, but not least …

The JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

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This is where the hijacking got gloriously hilarious!

When I first saw this tank for sale, I was skeptical. How can they pack all that “tank” goodness inside, for such an affordable price?? I wasn’t sure if this tank was for me, but I decided to give it a try, and boy am I glad I did!

When I first opened it from its giant stainless steel radioactive shielded crate, I knew it was the “one”! The pictures just don’t do it justice! Its full stain metal plated exterior just screams ‘luxury’, and it’s 6hp engine will blast you from 0 to 40 in 260 thrilling seconds. Yeah baby! That’s what I’m talking about! You can almost feel the wind in your hair… almost.

But wait, there’s more! The inside is so much more spacious than the pics do it justice. It’s like a party inside with it’s 8 cubic feet of space and 400 watt sound system. This baby doesn’t just roll(at 40mph) it rocks too baby! Whoo! That premium sound is just perfect for drowning out the gunfire/cannons exploding outside. And how does it feel when you’re rolling down to the nearest starbucks in this bad baby???… like the 4th of July!

Note: Also available in a sporty convertible model: The Badonkadonk-a-doodle-doo. (outrun the Tusken Raiders in style)

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It appears that the packing of this item is anything but consistent … read what this reviewer/customer had to say:

I ordered two JL421’s four months ago. The first one arrived in plastic shell packaging that was almost impossible to open. I actually had to go to the kitchen to get scissors to open it, and still nearly cut my thumb getting it out of the packaging. Other than that, the first one runs just fine, except the AC is very slow to cool. The warranty card said that the AC is covered only on parts and not labor. This seems misleading, and I am not happy about it.

The second JL421 I bought was used. The seller said that it was in perfect condition, but when it arrived it had a small scratch on the front passenger side fender. It also has an unidentified red splotch on the upper deck carpeting. I’m assuming it’s just a little blood, but the seller really should have at least mentioned it. The AC works, but the cosmetic issues still need to be resolved. If you’re buying used, buyer beware.

The JL421 does not offer an onboard FLIR option, and only room for 2 MK-41 VLS Surface to Air missile platforms (unlike the HM933 FLAPJACK Land Cruiser which offers 4). Also, if attaching the optional 60MM cannon, you’ll need to buy a 3rd party reinforcement kit ($1249.99), or risk damaging the luggage rack.
Other than those minor issues, the JL421 has a wonderful ride, and even came with flip down DVD players for the kids for long trips. My wife and I still enjoy them, but we will probably be upgrading to the Winnebago WL230 WARRIOR next spring.

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But wait … there’s MORE!

I’ll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I’ve purchased overpriced, so-called “battle tanks”, then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made morter. But not this baby, no way.

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and finally …

Have you ever wanted to be the dictator of an obscure country whose name you can’t pronounce, only to realize you don’t have the appropriate armaments in your suburban garage to give you that tactical advantage? Now, thanks to the good people at NAO Design, you have access to a device that can make your third-world conquests a reality.

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Well folks, that’s about all I have for today. Enjoy your weekend … I certainly know I’m going to endeavor to do same!

HOLD ON …

Since we’re talking about customer reviews, I submitted the following to Verizon wireless. If you have a moment, please sit back and enjoy … (actually, leave a comment to this post first, if you don’t mind. the slide on back up and click on the link to …)

my CNet-styled review of the Verizon HTC Touch Pro

. . .

Until next time …

PEACE OFF!

Pre Mensa Syndrome … (or, Little Johnny reborn?)

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einstein_baby

Almost everyone knows at least one of the countless multitudes of “Little Johnny” jokes that have been circulating since time immemorial … you know, the quick-witted schoolboy who’s always the bane of his hapless teacher.

Well, it would appear that a young couple in the U.K. have spawned one of their own. Certain other news agencies have clamored and prattled on about yet another Brit prodigy. Many are calling young Oscar Wrigley, age 2, “Baby Einstein.”

Well, after doing a little investigative research of my own, I want to be amongst the first cry, “Bovine Excrement!”

(hey, my family sometimes reads these things,  I have to at least make some effort at a modicum of decency)

But anyhow …

Seems little Oscar knocked the ball out of the park, dusting the upper limits of the Stanford-Binet test, which they say cannot measure higher than 160. This places our 2 year old little protagonist in the 99.99th percentile of the world population.

So … you may be thinking … why would Buck even THINK of making the “Little Johnny” reference? Well, as it turns our, here is what news reports are crediting as the flags that triggered the little boy’s parents to have him tested in the first place.

According to reports, Oscar’s father Joe Wrigley, 29, an IT specialist from Reading in Berkshire, was quoted as saying: “Oscar was recently telling my wife about the reproductive cycle of penguins.

Strike One! Little Johnny is INFAMOUS for his lewd references and sexual innuendo.

But, let’s not jump to conclusions, right?

The dad went on to say, “He is always asking questions. Every parent likes to think their child was special but we knew there was something particularly remarkable about Oscar. I’m fully expecting the day to come when he turns around and tells me I’m an idiot.”

Strike TWO!!!!!! Little Johnny’s reputation for veiled abuse and condescending behavior is legendary!

But alas, I kept reading … whereupon I came across a quote by the mother of the beast … er, I mean, boy … Hannah, age 26, who said: “His vocabulary is amazing. He’s able to construct complex sentences.”

Hmm, I thought to myself … that’s rather impressive. Hoping to be impressed I pressed forward with my reading …

“The other day he said to me, ‘Mummy, sausages are like a party in my mouth’.”
BINGO! Strike three, Sparky …. YOU’RE OUT!

Peace off,

A Brief Exercise in Contrast …

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Preamble:

Please understand up front that the following “generalizations” are not meant to be taken literally. If you have a tendency towards hysteria or suffer from bouts of IOS (irritable opinion syndrome), please remove yourself from the premises immediately.

You have the right to an opinion. If you do not have one, one will be appointed to you by the kangaroo court.

Apart from the above stated blather, please take the following with a grain of salt. When I say “conservative” … I’m referring to down to earth people who possess a measurable level of common sense.

When I say “liberal” … I am referring to the modern Democrat … or what should more accurately be referred to as a Marxist in neo-democrat clothing.

That is all …

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one …

gun-control-experts

If a liberal doesn’t like guns, they believe no one should have one.

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If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat …

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If a liberal is, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.

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If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat the enemy …

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A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

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If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly enjoys his life …

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If a liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.

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If black or Hispanic men are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful …

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Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

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If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation …

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A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

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If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.

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Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

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If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.

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A non-believing liberal wants all churches to be silenced.

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If a conservative needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or he may choose a job that provides it.

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A liberal demands that his neighbors pay for his health care.

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If a conservative’s teenage daughter gets pregnant, they figure out a way to make sure the child will be cared for …

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… at 18 weeks …

A liberal believes it’s their inherent right to murder that same baby merely for the sake of convenience.

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My folks were good at teaching me to “Give credit where credit is due” and while I have no idea where most of the images I pulled from this hard drive originally came from, I definitely have to give huge props for the artwork done in the “Obama” paintings by the talented Dan Lacey, the infamous “Painter of Pancakes.”  …

Goodbye “MySpaz” Insanity!

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Well, after years of being part of an active (usually) blogging community over at the psycho-circus cesspool of cyberspace known as “MySpace” … I have finally broken free. Wish me luck as I busy myself cleaning off the muck and sludge from my soul that resulted from my stay there.

I have many things to say on the “plus” side about that site, but the negatives so far outweigh them that it seems silly to say any more than that.

So, in the midst of this ritual cleansing / cyber-decontamination process, I opted to also shave off a few excess rough edges from the bloggage / drivel / generalized vowel movements that I’ll begin posting here on my own domain. To those of you more accustomed to my past performances that border on the profane … bear with me. In all honesty, if I cannot articulate myself in equally as entertaining and laugh-engendering ways without, then I obviously have some issues … am I wrong?

… of course not!

After 13 years of posting my ongoing series, “It’s a &*$@ed Up World, Charlie Brown” … I am considering a name change along the lines of : “The News As Viewed Askew.” (that’s actually been an on-again / off-again alternate title for that same series)

Perhaps the former title with the semi-random ANSI characters might actually work, I dunno … I’ll have to ponder that one a little before wholeheartedly committing to it.

So, rather than ceaselessly ramble any further … let me end this by welcoming you. If you’re one of my readers from elsewhere, PLEASE feel free to leave a comment as it’s wonderful that you came along.

Until I have my next pix blog or installment of “The News as Viewed Askew” … feel free to click and enjoy!

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