Archive for November, 2009

Banal Lube

5

I realize this goofy pun of a title doesn’t pronounce quite right, but that, too, can be a wonderful part of the written word; visually, the double-entendre still works, if only for a brief moment.

But anyhow …

Today’s little forray into the strange and scarely explored land of common sense is brought to you by the letter “O” …

But we’ll get back to that in a little while …

What the hell happened to the world while I was away for a few days with my sons?

We now have terrorists who were transferred from Guantanamo Bay to enjoy their “constitutional right” of facing their accuser in a court of law in New York City. Meanwhile, we have three Navy SEAL’s being arraigned the week after next for allegedly “abusing” a terrorist they captured back in September.

The captured terrorist was Ahmed Hashim Abed, the mastermind behind the ambush of four Blackwater employees in Iraq in 2004 who were transporting supplies for a catering company when they were ambushed and killed. Their bodies were subsequently burned and then dragged through the city of Fallujah. Two of the bodies were finally hung on a bridge over the Euphrates River.

fallujah-2004-Blackwater-contractors

Here’s the real kicker: the detainee was originally turned over to Iraqi authorities, to whom Abed filed the abuse complaints. He was later returned to American custody. Something tells me the Iraqi authorities sort of expected this “problem” to simply go away, but noooooooo … terrorists have rights too, dontcha know?

The complaint filed claims that while being apprehended, Abed was punched in the stomach and also had a bloodied lip.

I’m crapping you negative.

W … T … F ?!?!?!?!?!?!

Global War … er, I mean, Climate Change, Update …

After years of being bullied and silenced by the forces of political correctness, more and more prominent scientists are standing up and exposing the hoax that is global warming.

Before I blather into my next diatribe, there IS something I want you to carry away from this short segment:

Polar core samples have unequivocally proven that carbon dioxide levels FOLLOW periods of global warming rather than precede them.

ANYHOW … the “Greenies” are, much like their icon Al Gore, not the type to allow little annoyances such as the facts to get in the way. According to Lachezar Filipov, deputy director of the Space Research Institute of the Bulgarian Academy of Sciences, Bulgarian government scientists have been in contact with extra-terrestrial aliens.  He claims that the aliens are currently in the process of answering 30 different questions that have been posed to them.

In fact, these researchers are currently analyzing 150 crop circles from around the world, which they believe are attempts by said aliens to answer said 30 questions.

Mr. Filipov told Bulgarian media, “Aliens are currently all around us, and are watching us all the time.”

alien-10

Great, as if Santa weren’t bad enough, we got some creepy-ass aliens watching us all the time too????

Filipov blathered on, “They are not hostile towards us, rather, they want to help us but we have not grown enough in order to establish direct contact with them.”

Haven’t grown enough? Do tell, Mr. Filipov, whatsoever do you mean?

According to Mr. Filipov, the extraterrestrials are critical of humanity’s “interference in nature’s processes.”

Really now?!??! [insert Sam Kinison-like chuckle here]

Are you even believing this shit?

On the lighter side …

bear-finn_switzerland

The moron pictured above (no, not the bear) decided he wanted to have a picnic with the bear (also pictured above). Turns out the bear was none to fond of his advances and forthwith began to summarily maul said uninvited picniceer.

(yeah, I went there … “picniceer”)

Police quickly responded by shooting the bear with numerous fragmentation rounds, thusly killing the bear.

Police and zoo officials say there has been an outpouring of public sympathy – for the bear.

I hope you caught the post from our newest blogger, Nuthin. Scroll down to the next article and give it a read. Oh, and make sure to leave a comment too, will ya?

Well, I should be getting along now. The boys should be done with their outing with Grandmom any time now. I cannot believe they have faced the slings and arrows of these mentally deranged “Black Friday” shoppers.

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Sorry Mom … but it had to be said.

What better way to commemorate the only legitimate holiday left on the calendar, huh? We go from thanking God for all of the goodness in our life to a day filled with insane, angry shoppers everywhere looking for a “bargain.” Maybe the Jews are somehow behind all of this.

Who knows?

(Juuust kidding … I mean, hey … Jesus was a Jew too, ya know? Surely, a follower of the Son of God Himself (me == wayward follower) is not going to implicate himself / myself with such baseless accusations.

Or would I?

Hi, my name is Nuthin

9

Good morning and hello to all my fellow residents of “Teh Wonderful World of Buck

Let me introduce myself:

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Hi, my name is Nuthin.

all my friends call me Nuthin.

but you can call me Nuthin.

I won a “contest” here at “Bucks World” and “Buck” was kind enough to grant me “Contributorship Status” on this here “finer-n-frogs hair” website, so I resolved to “contribute”.

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Some of you may know me from my brief, albeit busy, stint on the social networking site know as ‘teh Spazz’.

I am no longer there for legal reasons…and we’ll leave it at that.

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I suffer from Profanitism: the excessive and habitual use of profanity. Which means I swear alot (I have promised to restrain myself a bit, but expect the occasionl fcuk bomb here and there.) I credit my beloved Marine Corps for an almost unparalled mastery of the issuance of all things profane.

Semper Fi

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I prefer the color red. (in case you hadn’t noticed)

I learned something today, and so should you, and to prove this point…

Here is my contribution for teh day to the furtherance of your vocabulary.

Grawlixes:

Typographical symbols standing for profanities, which appear in dialogue balloons in the place of actual dialogue. (dont axe me how thats pronounced though, I know not)

irony

I am a technophile. Although this does NOT mean I am especially versed in all things computer, unlike our fiend Buck.

I intentionally typo.

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I have an Olde English Bulldog puppy (4 months old) who’s full name is “Reglus Titus Tiro”. He prefers “Titus” for short.

I really like latin for some reason, and Tibet.

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I like long walks in the rain, poetry, and calling cadence.

Speaking of Poetry…I have one I’d like to share with you.

Its one I wrote awhile back and its short enough to hold the attention span of the average hominid, yet profound enough to occupy ones mind for longer than one would prefer it be occupied. (profound to be read confusing)

Here goes…

Ode to a Realist’s Water Glass

o cylindrical containerized fluidity

how dost thou quench mine thirst in vain

foer but hither hour comes anon

I greedly lap thy refresherating coolness again

making pale my yellower evacuations

leaded crystal minst vehicle for watery indulgence

I bade thee thithereth me mine thirst be gone

Fore but leaves thine glass half full?

nay, Half empty then this transparent sand?

NEITHER say I. Pessimissim be damned!

Optimism be thou thrown likewise from yonder Dam!

IT IS A GLASS.

IT HAS FCUKING WATER IN IT.

SHUT UP AND DRINK IT.

I am but a humble REALIST drinking poorly

from the richness of my tap.

Thank you…**takes bow**

I am completly imbued with the knowledge of the useless…of which I would like to share.

Here is a prime example, and as an addition to todays vocabulary lesson, here is the Arithmetic lesson for all you interwebs kiddies out there.

Did you know that teh internet weighs approximately  1,096,564,831,978 lbs, or about 1.1 Trillion pounds.

I know this because the internet told me…plus I read this report.

How heavy is the Internet?

I share a love of all things idiosyncraticly visual as does the aforementioned Bcuk.

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I come from a long line of handsome bastards.

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…and I got my, and my brothers their, unofficial nicknames when my father threatened his mother, while we were yet babes, that he was going to name his three children Whatcha, Howya and Nuthin (our last name is “doin” only spelled differently). I dont think she minded actually. Knowing her, she laughed and dared him to do it. From hence forth I became “Nuthin”.

This is Howya:

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This is Whatcha:

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I am Nuthin…

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In conclusion, I dont expect to write often, but when I do you will at least know which parts to skip during your daily foray into Bucks World.

Now the homework part of todays lesson:

Do you have a nickname?

In short…why?

-Semper Ebrius

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IaFUW,CB (20 Nov 2009 edition)

19

WARNING …

messiah_xing

… MESSIAH CROSSING …

Ladies and gentlemen …

Boys and Girls …

Children of ALL ages …

(well, mostly) …

Welcome back to another installment of The News as Viewed Askew

or as it’s been titled for most of the past 23 years …

IAFUWCB-clean

I try to make these an early morning Saturday blog, but I dare say I’m not going to be all that interested with such things as it will be the first time I’ve seen my sons in several months. The energy expended to channel that goofy state of mind that I need to drift off into while perusing my image gallery will be much better spent, I’m certain.

But anyhow …

Since last we met, a number of things have taken place around this crazy globe of ours.

Beaujolais Nouveau festival, Kanagawa, Japan

Beaujolais-Nouveau_Kanagawa-Japan

Every year, Japanese men and women descend upon Kanagawa, Japan to celebrate the release of the latest vintage of Beaujolais Nouveau.

Unlike America, one hysterically whiny little shit of a human being cannot ruin a tradition enjoyed by many.

And yes, they’re bathing in wine!

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How cool is that?!?!?!?!

Elsewhere in Japan …

Sorry, I forget the details, but there’s yet ANOTHER convention in Japan where robots hold a certain amount of focus.

I mean, do you have ANY CLUE how obsessed the Japanese are with the idea of robots? I stumbled across a “documentary” last night about the “Future of Sex” and certain firms in Japan that are working on creating the most realistic sex robots imaginable. Sadly, one man is even trying to work out the algorithms necessary to build in ever-shaping and reasonably realistic EMOTIONS. Great … as if having real women say “No” is not bad enough.

Just give me my blow up sheep, thanks.

Anyhow …

Here’s the image of the robot associated with some event in Japan that does NOT have to do with sex …

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WTF is up with the gold “appendages”???

From Russia with Love …

football-body-paint_Russia

No real story behind this one … just an enthusiastic bunch of “football” fans get some face and body paint before a big game in Russia. I usually correct the non-American moniker and use the term “soccer” instead, but upon noticing this woman’s glorious level of enthusiasm and team spirit I figured it just wasn’t worth the effort.

Maybe that’s what those goofy little British boys were singing about in their song, “Back in the USSR” …

[twitch]

We interrupt our regularly scheduled news reporting to pimp a relatively funny website …

Have you checked out AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com yet?

Oh man! Hahahahaha …  that site contains some pretty funny photos and has been enjoying a decent amount of pimpage lately.

In fact, here’s one that I found particularly amusing. If you can point out what it is that made ME chuckle, there’s a valuable prize involved … but you have to leave it in the COMMENTS section below.

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Onward …

Miss Earth 2009

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I honestly have no idea who won … I simply wanted to add that I, personally, am a great deal more energy efficient than a Duracell … if ya catch my drift.

And yeah, that was a pagent of some sort recently hosted in Indonesia. As easy on the eyes as the event was, I had to keep choking back the urge to spit up bile as it was just another publicity stunt by that raging lunatic Greenies and their bullshit global warming propoganda. Not only are more and more prominent scientists finally stepping up to the politically correct bullying of the past couple decades to decry what a miserable sham this whole global warming / climate change is, but how inherently corrupt the movement itself is.

Add to that the FACT that the polar ice core samples unquestionably shows that carbon dioxide levels rise AFTER warming periods. Never once has it preceded a warming trend …

Don’t get me wrong. Like my great uncle before me (late author of the formerly syndicated column, The Angry Environmentalist) I DO believe that mankind must get more serious about our stewardship of this fine planet we have. I mean, here’s a just a small example of how seemingly insignificant matters can have lasting effects. Here’s an albatross that died (of what cause I know not) on the atoll/island of Midway:

albratross-junk_Midway-atoll

Midway is really out in the middle of friggen NOWHERE. All the shit in the middle there is undigestible material that bird plucked from the water’s surface over time.

But I’m not here to preach.

Is Ringo God?

Like many others, I’m a Beatles fan. Of the group, I’ve always had some sort of thing for Ringo Starr … I dunno, it was probably his role in the cult classic, “Caveman” (with his wife, Barabara Bach, Dennis Quaid, Shelly Long and the late John Matuszak) …

But anyhow … a scientist here in the states doing some fluid dynamics research came across a very bizarre series of results one night. These are, reportedly, unretouched, NON-Photoshopped images from his lab.:

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Sure, you may want to assume he was stoned … but I know I’m NOT and … well … I see Ringo!

Strange Toys …

Sometimes I actually get it … sometimes I am able to set aside my tendency to be immediately cynical about the way in which we are brain-washing and dumbing-down our children with some of the completely retarded toys and the like that get pushed upon them.

However … this morning I encountered a series of “plush toys” designed to educate toddlers about various germs.

The thought being: germs are scary things and children should be educated so as to alleviate some of the more irrational fears …

SRSLY …

e-coli_1526413i

e-coli

herpes_simplex-2

herpes simplex

(wtf?????)

BUT WAIT … THERE’S MORE!

syphillis_1526410i

Syphillis

chlamydia_1526409iChlamydia

(I’m crappin you negative)

Seriously … that last plush toy was Chlamydia!!!! Need proof?

Here’s the tin they’re sold in …

chlamydia-tin_1526415i

What’d I tell ya?!?!?!!

SIGNS OF THE TIMES!

Nope, sorry … not another one of my more religious tomes, it’s time once again for another sampling from my most awesome collection of signs!

sanitary-napkins_showerWow … that happens often enough to warrant a sign being posted???

While on the subject of: “Do they really have to worry about that????” …

feces-only

Mmmmmmmmmmm … bacon!

pools-closed-stingrays-aids

Holy smokes, it’s almost time for me to get up the road, jump in that happy little twin engine Barron and head to Indiana to pick up my boy!!!

T3 … if you’re reading this, please bear the following in mind:

close-the-door_aircraft

For the rest of you … seeings how winter is upon us and many species of bear are busy making their last minute “plans” for hibernation, I’m going to spread a little love by voluntarily sharing a friendly little Public Service Announcement …

bear-warnings

In honor of the long-standing tradition of face-painting, I leave you the following …

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The Diva-ittudes …

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Okay, so perhaps not EVERYTHING on this blog is Sex, Religion, or Politics (and the occasional stab at humor) …

mariah-carey-boobs

Well, in retrospect … I guess my selecting this image for the main story lead-in sort falls on the side of “sex” … oh well. I’m still categorizing it otherwise for now …

Mariah was recently quoted in the Brit celebrity magazine, Hello!, as saying:

some people think I’m a demanding diva. I have no idea why people have that impression!”

Why, I wondered, would she even feel compelled to say such a thing?

Upon doing a little research I began to realize a little something that did not entirely surprise me.

The extraordinarily wealthy, especially here on our shoes in the U.S. … and especially more so with those whose fame and fortune have come by way of the entertainment business … do have tendencies that lean towards the unbearably narcissistic end of the scale. Fame seems to foster and encourage bizarre growths within the centers of the brain wherein lies our ego.

Rather than blather away about my own imaginings, however, let me just put a few factual things on the table of discussion and YOU tell me if she has just cause for her above-quoted bewilderment:

Our goodly — albeit occasionally snaggle-toothed — friends on the other side of The Pond invited this same American pop culture icon to preside over the lighting of the Christmas lights at a prestigious Westfield shopping center in west London.  As many of the Hollywood elite are like to do, she had a few special requests and contingencies:

  1. A pink carpet upon which a Rolls Royce would drive upon, and a pink carpet leading from the vehicle to the podium from which she would perform said lighting ceremony.
  2. A wand, which she would wave, thusly signaling to someone ELSE that they should flip the big switch, lighting the lights on said Christmas tree.
  3. Pink, butterfly shaped confetti  was to them be showered upon her immediately after the lighting of said lights.
  4. As for security guards, she estimated that only 80 would be needful
  5. Personal entourage: smaller still at a mere 15 people.
  6. 100 whites doves … to be released during the rain of butterfly-shaped confetti.
  7. and 20 WHITE KITTENS surrounding her at the podium.

[ … insert bewildered, blinking stare here … ]

In another interview, Mariah reportedly said:

I am baffled, shocked and appalled when I am called a diva. I’ve never done one diva-ish thing in my life.”

Hmmm … maybe she’s got a point. I mean, in a recent filming of a commercial that included her two dogs, both Jack Russell terrorists — er, I mean, terriers — Mariah made the following comment:

My puppies are starring in this ad with me, too. I had my team with me but the pups had a mini entourage of their own, of course! And why wouldn’t they? It was a big shoot and even my entourage had an entourage – my stylist had an assistant, my security had extra security.”

Denial is a strange thing indeed, is it not?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world, there are those who are NOT so morbidly self-absorbed that they are unable to offer an accurate self-assessment …

buiness-hoursNow THAT’S some blunt honesty there, folks!!!

I should really get back to work now. This little 15 minute side trek is on the verge of getting me terminally distracted.

By and by … the next week and a half will most likely be somewhat thin in the way of blogging as my sons are heading this way tomorrow to spend a week+ with us! [massive grin] … I may sign on to drop a few one-offs here and there, but otherwise … we’ll return to our regularly schedule inanity the week following.

Until then …

PEACE OFF, [FAUX CURSE!]


johnnys-finger

While I’m AFK …

7

I try to keep this site active, but between work and other duties that can sometimes be difficult.

Those of you who were around for some of my blogging over at MySpace might remember the fish depicted in the video below. Some even questioned if my write-up of the still image in that blog was at all accurate.

As proof I offer the following:

(for the rest of you, a somewhat recent delicacy in some parts of Asia is deep fried carp … except they wrap the head and gills of the fish in cold, wet towels so as to keep them ALIVE!

[twitch]

Until next time …

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!!!

repent-coke-vendor

Random bits …

5

I stumbled across these earlier today and just HAD to share …

Message boards at offices and grocery stores are usually quite a bore, but not always!

Some Vegan group recently posted an ad for a local support group. A thoughtful non-Vegan obviously had an inspired moment!

vegan-carnivore

hahahahahahaha!!!

The Spousal Unit and I have been somewhat active on Facebook lately. At first it was just a way to stalk our kids, but now that friends have found us out we’re re-discovering the “wonderful” world of school yard drama.

Of note is the ubiquitous use of status updates. ANYTHING you change on your profile can be broadcast to everyone on your so-called “friends” list. It gets especially entertaining when it comes to changes in relationship status, as the two of us recently discovered.

Aaaaaaaanyhow … this one almost had me falling out of my chair this morning!

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You can also send quiz challenges to your friends. Megan, who had just recently broken up with Jordan, received this one …

msg-from-ex

Of course, be careful about what you post there … and more importantly, remember who’ve you invited/allowed on your friends list!

facebook-BUSTED

Well, that’s about it for today, kiddies. Off to help some friends move and then do a little clean-up around le Casa del Buck!

Until next time …

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!

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What the Eff? (12 Nov 09 edition)

8

The late Alan Watts once referred to, “trying to speak the unspeakable, scrute the inscrutable and eff the ineffable.” The equally as late Douglas Adams was similarly inspired and once implored, “Let’s think the unthinkable, let’s do the undoable, let’s prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.”

Perhaps a little history behind the resurrection / re-introduction of this internet mini-series is in order …

A long time ago, on a website far, far away …

There was a happy little corner of said website where the host would post a pic and his visitors had to guess what it was they were actually looking at.

The game and its rules are stupefyingly simple: Below is an image. I already know what it is, you may or may not immediately figure it out.  There is no text, no dialogue, no jokes, no nothing from me after the pic except the comments section. There’s a reason for this … guess what the image is and win “valuable prizes”!!!

However, the deal is, you have immediately write down what first popped into your head upon the viewing of said image. Granted, there’s the old trust issue here … you can, and I have no way of knowing, spend as much time as you want pondering these oft-times rather ponderous images, or surf the ‘Net looking for the right answer … but that’s between you, God … oh, and that little CCTV I had installed in the ceiling above your compute a while back.

BTW: if you are not a registered user of this website then, sorry, but to leave a comment you have to enter a name (nickname or whatever is fine) and a valid email address (which is NEVER published nor otherwise shared with anyone else). Preferably, use the same address you use for Gravatar.com (assuming you have a Gravatar account … which, if you frequent blogs much at all, you really SHOULD have a Gravatar account!)

So, register now! Is simple, it’s fun, and it’ll alleviate you of the need to have to constantly enter a name, email, etc. for each comment you leave here. Registered users will also eventually have the ability to post their own blogs here (or links to your own blog/website/whatever)

Easy enough? Okay, enough blathering on my part … let’s let the game begin!

What the Eff?

091112

The world is a strange place indeed …

I mean, is it just me or do things seem to getting more and more surreal with every passing day anymore?????

playground-nuke-plants

Alright, boys and girls, it’s time once again to take a little side tour of this little rock we collectively call home and see some of the things that mainstream media is too busy stirring the pot of hysteria that is “swine flu” and constantly attempting to manipulate the masses into believing our Evil Emperor … er, I mean President Obama.

So, grab a tasty beverage …

Put the kids away for a few minutes so you can avoid interruption …

redneck-babysitter

And join me on a walk through the news room of my mind …

Before we begin, though … I do want to take a quick moment to say how MUCH I have enjoyed the advent of Spell Check. I’ve never had typing classes and I’ve somehow evolved from an “index fingers only”, hunt and peck typist to someone who actually has most of his fingers flying across this keyboard in an almost epileptic like manner. My point being, these fits and twitches that result in my “typing” are often chock full of typographical errors and worse. Thanks to that little thing we call spell checker, SOME of my shame is able to remain hidden!

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Anyhow …

They say that, sometimes, Life …

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Comes at ya fast!

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Perhaps a little too fast at times, but that’s another story for another day for me …

Inventors are an odd lot, as many of you already well know. Not all of them, mind you, but it takes a special sort of person to “think outside of the box.”

(the enlightened ones realize there is no box, but anyhow)

jaebeom-jeong_cartcycle
This young man from Korea invented a … uh … well, please feel free to offer an opinion as to what this should be named down in the comments section below.

In fact, I find it somewhat rude of you to show up and not even leave as much as a comment, but that’s a lecture for another day …

You may, much like me, find that cart-cycle to be wholly impractical, am I wrong?

But what about THIS????

putting-green-bra_Triumph

Yeah, baby! A portable practice putting which doubles as a bra!!!!

I’d like to think that this might partially silence those who have lambasted Asians for “stealing our ideas and making cheaper knock-offs.”

That’s pure creative genius there, boy!

However, not all inventions are particularly awe-inspiring …

pouches-for-pooche_1520680i

Now that we’ve thoroughly spoiled and pampered our children into a dim-witted state of complete dependence, let’s now melt our pet’s brains too, huh?

And some inventions are really downright cool, but come just a little bit too late.

Behold, the Luggage Sofa!

luggage-sofa_1520805i

Yes, several pieces of luggage that were strategically designed to be fitted together into a comfy little love seat for the couple in transit experiencing delays at the air port.

Sadly, you can’t carry on much of anything anymore …

Inventions were not the only noteworthy news items that I stumbled upon this week, oh no.

fuel-girls_al-overdrive

I also learned that alcohol is now, allegedly, the greatest threat to society. Seriously, feel free to check out the article for yourself. It may be of note that this was coming from a pissed off man who was fired from his government post for insisting that marijuana is less dangerous that alcohol.

Now, while alcohol may be bad for the individual who over imbibes, such as this poor man who has been an alcoholic for a good many years now …

brandy-nose_1520014i

As it turns out, my opinion is that the guy simply got too late of a start in life.

beer-tent

But anyhow …

I read another story about a woman who, after having sex, sometimes experiences something known as, transient global amnesia”, or a complete, albeit usually temporary, loss of memory and the inability to form new memories which is caused by pressure in blood vessels in the brain. Furthermore, they say that this can be triggered by strenuous activities such as bowel movements or sex.

After engaging in what, I must imagine, was a particularly zesty coital session last August, the couple turned on the T.V. and the wife was amazed that the Olympics were on. Sensing that something was not altogether right about this question, he asked, ‘OK, what day is it?'”

When she couldn’t answer, he asked her to name the current President, to which she replied: “Bill Clinton.” He called an ambulance at once.

Love and Marriage … goes together like a …

Speaking of marital relations … I dare say that most women are painfully unaware of exactly how much they can push their husbands over the edge. Not all wives, mind you … in my seven-plus years of uninterrupted marital bliss, I dare say that the Spousal Unit has not once given me cause for anger.

But anyhow, such is not the case for many a poor soul in this increasingly woman dominated world in which we live.

This aging gentleman, known only as Lin, Yuyi, Fujian, was admitted to the hospital this week after driving a massive framing nail into his own skull after an extensive period of nagging and worse by his wife …

nail-head_Lin_yuyi-fujian

Of course, who’s to say that the poor bastard isn’t so p*$$y whipped that he chose to claim he did it himself rather than incur even further wrath by tipping off police as to who was really to blame …

Ya never know …

Well, I could ramble until fingertips bleed … and dontcha know that I actually DO enjoy hearing myself type (I know, you’re shocked!) … but I need to cut this short and get on with my day. I promise you that I have PLENTY more tasty morsels to share with you in the days and weeks to come. Recent additions to my photo collection, not to speak of the dozens upon dozens of new and bizarre road and building signs from around the globe …

But before I sign off, I want to take a moment to thank the men and women who risked, nay even given, their lives in the pursuit of liberty. Those who have defended our constitution, who have fought for the cause of freedom, we THANK YOU!

My father served in Vietnam. Yes, I realize this was a war that was an absolute political debacle. It was a painful time for our country, and when it was all said and done, we exited that war with little dignity, a thrashed economy, and we ran out a president in shame. In short, by the late 1970’s we really felt like shit about ourselves.

I extend a special, albeit somewhat self-centered, thank you to the men and women who dutifully served in Vietnam. You were spat upon instead of appreciated … and no amount of collective shitty feelings justifies the manner in which you were treated upon your already tormented return home. I can only hope and pray that the generation coming into their own today rises up and undoes much of the social upheaval and cognitive melt-down that stemmed from the blossoming of decades of communist subversion that lead to the so-called “Summer of Love.”

This week a Federal U.S. judge (Cameron Currie) ruled that South Carolina may NOT make available “vanity” license plates that display a Christian cross and the words, “I Believe.” Her painfully flawed and PC-mangled logic being that it’s un-Constitutional and violates some imaginary idea of “separation of Church and State.” I say that because she is insisting that the PUBLIC does not have the right to PAY to express their freedom of religion.

Of course, the fall-out of this past century of Marxist influence upon our society has duped us into believing that freedom OF religion must now be treated as freedom FROM religion.

The world is a strange place indeed …

Funny how even many overseas see Obama as a dangerous man …

burning-man-obama

Goo luck, boys and girls. Make sure to thank a veteran today … make sure to take a moment to think about what is REALLY important and look into what you can do to have your voice heard. We already know that the insanely hysteric minority has been making their voice heard and have been responsible for bizarre and broad-sweeping change to the way we live our lives.

Make sure YOUR voice is heard to, my friends.

Before I sign off, I’d like you to think about something, especially as it relates to all of the so-called promises being made to us by the likes of Obama, Pelosi and Barney Frank.

Their promises to us are about as worthwhile as this menu is to that seagull …

seagull-menu

Well anyhow … it’s definitely time for me to go and shake the hands of a few men and women who HAVE been goodly enough to turn their patriotism into action.

Until next time …

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!

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Semper Fi … Happy 234th Birthday USMC!

8

In honor of the United States Marine Corps’ 234th birthday, I would like to pass along something you may have come across over the years … but it’s on this special day that I, every year, still get a big grin out of reading. My father, you see, was a decorated U.S. Marine of 23 years. As some of you know who have read some of my other ramblings and writings, he was an aviator in the Marine Corps and, like many of the self designated demi gods, was reluctant to adopt the proper title of “Naval Aviator.” Yes, yes … I do realize that the Marine Corps IS a department of the Navy …

The men’s department …

But anyhow, enjoy with me the annual re-reading of …

USMC-500px

The U.S. Marine’s version of Genesis Chapter I …

… In The Beginning …


In the beginning was the word, and the word was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form.

So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them “squids” and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them “petty” and “commodore” instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor that only He could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests… and all sorts of shiny things that glittered… and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away)

On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver’s uniform, especially for Air Force flyboys. But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the “Wild-Blue-Yonder Wonders.”

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.

But on the 8th day, at exactly 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. No, God was not happy at all! He thought long and hard about His labors, and in His divine wisdom God decided He needed to create a distinctly divine creature. And this He called Marine.

And these Marines, who God had created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave them evening and dress uniforms … sharp and stylish, handsome things … so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly.

And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good.

But was God happy? Oh, no! No, no, not at all. God was definitely not happy!

Because in the course of His labors, He had forgotten one thing: He did not have a Marine uniform for Himself.

He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally … God satisfied Himself in knowing that, well …

Not everybody can be a Marine!

Cover your eyes, kiddies!

1

Cover you eyes, kiddies …

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You’re about to see the world …

thru Buck’s eyes !

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Rather than confront the realities that await me away from this worn and tattered keyboard I, instead, chose to alight myself away from the domicile and distract myself with the memories of this year’s additions to my ever-growing photo collection.

A quick aside: now that I have family and personal, real-life, non-cyber friends occasionally viewing these semi-fluidic mental meanderings, I should take a moment to introduce you to something I’ve enjoyed doing for almost 2 decades now. I believe the geek-speak for this form of time mismanagement is “picture blogging” or something of that sort. For the sake of time and efficiency, rather than describe what it is that I like to occasionally do, let’s just let the big ol’, bad ol’ cartoon that is my outlook on life begin and by the time we’re done you’ll have come to your own conclusions (and perhaps a question or two).

In the beginning …

there was MAD COW DISEASE …

cows-heads_Budapest

And then …

there was the AVIAN FLU!!!!

avianflu-chicken

And then, as if THAT weren’t enough …

the world then confronted a mass outbreak of the SWINE FLU …

swine-flu

My friend, Emily, said it perfectly yesterday …

OMFG!

it’s

farmageddon

Well, *I* at least thought it was funny …

Most of my images are collected from pictures embedded within various news stories from around the world. Mainstream media in America is so busy try to juggle the compulsion to affect politics while, at the same time, remain sensationalistic enough to garner larger viewer ratings, most of the media outside our borders don’t forget to report on things that are of interest to us garden variety citizens of Earth.

One example would be this year’s “Masculine Health Day” as celebrated in China …

masculine-health-day_Hangzhou

(don’t get upset with ME … I TOLD you to cover your eyes!)

And it’s not just the Chinese who are so obsessed with the phallus! Oh, nossir … not whatsoever!

Actually, I changed my mind as the two pics I have from the Japanese Penis Festival this year in Utamaro are even more graphic.

So, moving along …

As I perused the image collection, I stumbled across an early moment of Obama infamy. Remember shortly after Barak took office, he commissioned Air Force One to do a little fly-by of New York City?

.

plane-new-york_1392577i

.

Everybody else seemed very taken aback by how thoughtless it was of him to not even consider the nightmarish memories he brought back to the residents of that strange city. Personally, I looked at images like that on the television the night of this event and thought,

“Mr. Barack Hussein Obama is sending a not so subtle message, now isn’t he?”

And that’s not the only way people in the modern world show off. In addition to shameless demonstrations of authority, such as the one referenced above, we also have …

the joys of BLING!

crayons

And this is not a distinctly American phenomena either. Here’s some Italian bling for ya …

Really-Makes-God-Happy_500x500Uh … yeah …

In previous blogs over the years, I’ve always delighted in encountering extreme branding failures. There are times when the people in branding/advertising get so caught up in their own bizarre little world that they completely lose track of reality and how anything appears to the rest of the world.

Recently, Barnes & Nobles PROUDLY announced the …

Nook e-Book reader

nook-ebook-reader

If you’re not shaking your head, take a moment to say that out loud:

Nook e-book …

I guess that’s the iPod of the internet porn generation.

Ah, advertising … there’s an area of life where I really I could have had a lot of fun, especially if working with a small group of friends and a steady diet of tasty adult beverages!

All the same, even seemingly innocent mistakes can provide a certain degree of unintended entertainment.

Some examples …

Billboards …

buttcarrot

Design Irony …

(hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!)

Inbred Sign Writers …

And, one of my favorites … evening news graphics bloopers …

Well sports fans, that’s about all I have for today. The Spousal Unit awaits me, we still have much to do on this fine sunny day.

Oh, and in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been attempting to clean up my language a little bit. So, instead of lazily relying upon the simple-minded crudeness of curse words, I will instead endeavor to make up my own fake curse words.

And on that note … until we meet again …

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!

VerneTroyer_1517727c

(tech review) HTC Touch Pro (Verizon)

8

As a freak-turned-geek of over 20 years now, I thought it was about time I start taking some of my tech’spertise and put it out there for the betterment of mankind.

Yay me!

So, let’s just dive right in, shall we?

As the title states, this is a review of the HTC Touch Pro, as provided by Verizon Wireless …

33408745-2-440-PALM-3

Notice anything odd about that picture? (apart from the wrinky hand …)

Actually, hold on to that thought … we’ll get back to that shortly.

Product summary

The good: Hmmm, the “good”? Tough call … there’s a full QWERTY keyboard and a touch screen. Wait, I have one! It’s heavy enough to double as a personal defense device.

The bad: To call it buggy and incredibly slow would be a compliment. It has less onboard RAM than a 1970’s calculator, the battery drains more rapidly that an infant with dysentery, there is no standard headphone jack, and it arbitrarily locks up more frequently than Hillary Clinton comes unglued at uncomfortable questions.

The bottom line: Billed as a “full-featured smartphone for business users”, it is painfully slow and not worth the frustration or money. Unless, of course, you want a conveniently sized weapon (of the blunt variety) that won’t be confiscated by airport security.

Full review below …

For the past couple years, my life has been plagued by the electronic debacle — er, I mean: device — known as the 1st generation LG Chocolate.  I was, quite frankly, utterly convinced that mankind had reached its pinnacle of design debauchery … that this industry had, in fact, created the most miserable, useless piece of shit … EVER.

Until I “upgraded” to this “latest and greatest” offering from Verizon: the HTC Touch Pro.

As fate would have it, I was the “lucky” bastard who purchased the very last unit in stock at the local Verizon Wireless store. Unbeknownst to me, the Pro2 was set to hit stores any day and — luckier still — plans were already under way to remove this satanic device from their product line-up. Luckier still, Verizon Wireless had a queue of hundreds of negative customer reviews “pending approval” [cough].[cough] on their website.

So … and I’m sure you must be wondering by now … what is it about this phone that has me regularly spitting up bile?

Beyond the fact that this thing burns through battery juice like a lonely woman jacked up on near-fatal doses of Ecstasy and Spanish Fly, it rarely even works as advertised.

Design

Quite frankly, I’d have to say that this little black brick was designed by a drooling, brain damaged marsupial. The mere fact that Verizon abandoned the sleeker, smoother lines of the same product being offered by Sprint and AT&T, should have been my first clue. Verizon chose to do away the rounded edges and, instead, decided to go with a sharper, harsher brick-like motif.  At a hefty 4.9 ounces, this stately monolith of a phone is a full 4.1 by 2 inches of technological fail guaranteed to subject its hapless user to countless hours of torment and rage.

On its front, you’ll find a diminutive 2.8-inch touch screen with an altogether unimpressive VGA resolution of 480×640 pixels. According to its manufacturer, HTC (which stands for “Hi Tech Computer Corp.” … it just rolls right off the tongue with sheer elegance, does it not?), you’ll enjoy sharper text and images. In my personal experience, the only “sharpness” you’re likely to encounter with this electronic demon seed is the sharp edges of the device itself … or the sharp pangs in your brain as you talk yourself down from the urge to hurl this thing towards a concrete surface with all of your might.

HTC’s TouchFlo 3D interface is nothing short of tragic. Not only does the toolbar along the bottom of the screen border on impossible to use, you are lead to believe that you can launch applications with a single touch. What they failed to tell us was that virtually any and every thing that is accessible via the screen can (and will) be inadvertently pressed and opened as you pull the device from its carrying case. Well, to be honest, that only happens when there was an incoming text message. There is no option to disable this: the phone fully unlocks upon receipt of a text or pix message, but alas … I’m getting ahead of myself.

The four-way, touch-sensitive “navigation toggle” is not merely a joke … it is a tormenting example of complete and utter Design Fail. To compare it to an attempt by the Washington Redskins to get into the end-zone would actually be complimentary. From a functionality stand-point, this thing is the equivalent of putting braces on the teeth of a recently deceased victim of an automobile accident.

To further my opinion that this device is better suited as a weapon than a phone, it includes not one … but TWO … stylus pens. Yeah, you read that right … this thing actually has a f#$%ing STYLUS! This is the evolutionary equivalent of putting webbed feet on a spider. I mean, what the f*&%? Did I just get teleported back to the early-to-mid 1990’s?

Features

According to the media fanfare, “The HTC Touch Pro is built for business users and comes with the features to handle the workload. The smartphone runs Windows Mobile 6.1 Professional Edition with the full Microsoft Office Mobile Suite and Direct Push Technology for real-time e-mail delivery and automatic synchronization with your Outlook calendar, tasks, and contacts via Exchange Server.

[cough] …. uh, yeah. Right.

For starters, “Windows Mobile” and “Professional Edition” is about as oxymoronic as “Gay Nazi’s for Christ.”

The promise of Direct Push is not only an empty one, it also comes at the expense of already-precious battery life. Again, the terms “battery” and “life” are yet another painful oxymoron here.

And if by “real time e-mail delivery” they mean anywhere from 2 minutes to 12 hours, then they’re definitely spot on!

On the matter of synchronization … after several days of failed attempts, and several calls to Verizon’s so-called “customer support”, I finally had to resign myself to the fact that this so-called “smart phone” could only hope to sync up with Outlook via a USB CABLE … not wireless via my Exchange Server. I’ve stepped on finer messes while visiting my late grandfather’s farm.

Insofar as web browsing … forget about it. As will be discussed below, the slowness of this device is so far beyond glacial that the mere notion of web browsing is enough to give me an annuerism. Oh, but for the true techy-masochist in all of us, they were goodly enough to offer not just Microsoft’s Internet Explorer as the default browser, but Opera as well … for those who simply cannot get enough bugs and frustration.

The Touch Pro’s 3.2-megapixel camera is about as useful as a video operator in the midst of a full-blown grand-mal seizure … and that without image stabilization technology. Every image I’ve attempted to capture on this device turned out blurry, washed-out, and in many cases, completely undecipherable. This includes shots taken on bright, sunny afternoons with the phone being “bench-rested” on a non-moving surface.

Voice dial? Yeah … and I have a family of flying monkeys that have built a condominium complex inside of my ass. If you need to make a call while behind the wheel of your car or truck, PULL OVER FIRST. You will injure/kill yourself or some other poor, unsuspecting schmuck if you even think about originating a call from this phone while in motion.

Performance

Ah … “performance.”

Nothing … and I DO mean NOTHING in my short 45 years on this funky rock we call Earth … I have ever encountered could ever hope to compare to the perfectly miserable and unbearable lags and delays that occur whenever virtually any of the countless, useless “features” of this phone are selected.

As mentioned earlier, an incoming text message automatically unlocks the screen and buttons on this device. If, like most people, you occasionally receive text messages AND intend to keep this phone in a carry case, you’re screwed. Sorry, but there are just no two ways about it. Even IF you don’t have it in a case, merely picking the phone up off the table or bar upon receipt of a text message is almost guaranteed to take you on a psychotic journey of frustration the likes of which you’ve never known. Not only were the makers of this phone “savvy” enough to buffer all keyboard and touch-screen input so you can actually type/select things faster than the phone can react, it provides no means of telling it to STOP.

What does this mean to you? Well, but the time you get the phone out of its case and oriented so you see it, you’ll have moments of sheer “joy” as you watch it flip from one screen to another, sometimes even making random settings changes.

Remember my pointing out how the phone was being handled in the photo above?

33408745-2-440-PALM-3

Yeah … that’s about the ONLY way to handle this phone if you ever receive any text messages.

You might think yourself moderately bright and want to ask, “Buck, why not leave it in the carry case until it goes back to sleep before removing it to check on an incoming text message?”

Because the damnable touchscreen on this thing is so spastically hyper-sensitive that ANY movement or pressure whatsoever will initiate a random series of selections that will not cease until the phone is pulled out and manually shot off.

As if being slow wasn’t enough, you also have instability issues that are so monumental that it is impossible to believe that this thing was EVER released to the public. The operating system is actually less stable than Windows ME, a feat in and of itself!

So, this leaves us with voice calls. Even here we experience something known as “EPIC FAIL.”

I cannot count the number of incoming calls that were immediately terminated when I tapped “Answer” on the touchscreen. In fact, I JUST MISSED a call from my friend Dan who just tried dialing me AS I WROTE THIS SENTENCE!

BUT WAIT … THERE’s MORE!

If that is not frustrating enough, you also get the unmitigated pleasure of having connected calls terminated for no reason whatsoever … and in areas of supreme coverage. The phone sometimes just cuts a call off for no reason and without warning. In fact, I was standing outside of my favorite watering hole one afternoon dealing with what appeared to be a personal situation of extreme gravity and severity (in all seriousness, it bordered on literally being a “life & death” situation) and I have this damned thing terminate TWO back-to-back calls.

Oh yes, please be patient because there IS more …

And when I am lucky enough to have conducted a conversation that is actually brought to a voluntary end, I’ve discovered yet another secret, special “feature”: the device occasionally locks up when after tapping “End Call” on the touchscreen. When I say “locks up” I mean that in the most terminal sense of the word imaginable. This damned thing regularly just “dies” on me … and I don’t mean that in the sense of shutting itself down. Oh no … god forbid something as simple as holding the power button down for a few seconds to turn the phone back on would work. Nossir, when this fucker decides to die, it does so completely. The only hope of recovery is to remove the battery, wait … re-insert it, and wait for a full 2 minutes for the phone to completely reboot.

And even then, it very well may die immediately after re-starting.

Seriously … it did that TWICE yesterday while I was waiting to hear from my wife who was on the road.

In short, there is nothing short that can be said about this phone that can even begin to convey my disgust, anger, and downright hatred …

to be continued (maybe)

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