Archive for December, 2009

Rolling Over (again) …

26

Well, here we are on the cusp of another one of those, “Out with the old, in with the new” end of the year moments. Like many other people, I’m looking forward to having a new set of digits slapped up on the calendar.

Seriously!  I started this year (2009) all charged up and ready for the wonders that it may bring, and then …

Yeah … surprised, disappointed, and heart-broken indeed …

Although … just amongst my own circle of friends there are those who have lost a LOT more than I did this year …

Sure, in the midst of the great memories I made with my sons and certain others of my friends and family members, there’s a lot about 2009 that I shan’t fondly look back upon.  Losing my entire Koi population and the meltdown of the waterfall, as two examples, were only the beginning of my sorrows. And sure, there were bigger losses that really chap my ass for reasons that would do none of us any good for me to elaborate upon.

So … we should probably just be moving along then, shouldn’t we?

In the grand scheme of things, there are VERY few of us that cannot echo the sentiment, “Worse things have happened to better people.

Feel free to tuck that one away in your heart; it may come in quite handy some day.

* * *

Made your new year resolutions yet?

Want my opinion on the matter?

Of course you do … that’s why you’re here!

My opinion would be to NOT make any New Years resolutions.

Face it, it’s a stupid tradition developed to help stupid people cope with their innate disinclination to change.

Those that can’t merely wish … the rest of us simply DO.  Sure, plans are good … VERY good, in fact. But arbitrary “resolutions” made because it’s expected of one to do so? Might as well stand in the middle of a busy mall scratching your crotch with one hand while trying to lick the elbow of your other arm … all while humming the theme music from Patton as loudly as possible.

Hold on … that’d actually be pretty damned funny!

Buuuuut … if you’re so inclined to be weak-minded and feel obligated to make your resolution(s), just know that others WILL laugh at your failure. Sorry, but that’s part of life. Live with it and move on already.

* * *

So, what can be said about 2009 that you’re not going to be otherwise inundated with by other sources? I mean, EVERYBODY in the media is going to surely have their wagging tongue moments where they blather on about the monumentally historic nature of America electing her first partially non-Caucasian president.

Of course, these same charmed, deluded news anchors will never look back later in life and realize that Obama was pretty much the equivalent of having ordered an expensive new blow-up “bride.”

It might be a little exciting at first, but when all is said and done, it’s nothing more than an empty shell that’s going to leave one severely chaffed.

Did I say CHAFFED?!?!?!?!

That’s way too soft a word … nossir, what this administration is going to leave us with is going to be a bit more intense than a mere burning sensation …

Speaking of which (the blow-up doll part, that is), did any of you ever catch any episodes of HBO’s WAY-TOO-SHORT-LIVED show, “Hard Core TV” (HCTV) ???

In a tip of the hat to Saturday Night Live, HBO put together a group of writers who, in my estimation, knocked the proverbial ball right out of the park.

There is, of course, a reason I mention this …

One particular skit was a parody of a Biography Channel style  interview which featured a man who had forsaken women in lieu of blow up dolls. During the course of the interview, the man spent considerable time fawning over his one favorite blow up doll, whose name I cannot remember.

All the same, the interviewer wrapped up the segment by posing the following question, “It’s clear that this doll truly your favorite. Tell me, where do you see yourself with this relationship in … say … 10 years?”

The man pondered the matter a few moments and after a dramatic pause he finally offered his straight-faced answer of, “Well … happy … but chaffed.”

* * *

Never let it be said that 2009 was not an interesting year. Oh no, not by any stretch!

Soros and Rockefeller are probably a little pissed. Heck, the near-collapse of the financial markets that they engineered almost delivered the U.S. into their grubby, Marxist hands.

But I promised I’d avoid politics, dammit … sorry.

* * *

Let’s see, what is there to look back upon … IN A POSITIVE LIGHT … ???

Well, let’s just jump upon our trusted steed and travel back in time … (just one year, nothing big) …

* * *

Discoveries!

Let’s see … we had at least a few new species of animals discovered this year. Amongst my favorite was this little gem …

Species: Psychedelia … seriously, that’s the name! It’s a type of “frog-fish” that was discovered off the shores of Indonesia

* * *

While on the subject of fish, scientists in Asia have discovered what is being called a “human-faced” carp …

More of a dog’s face than a human’s face, but hey … it’s different!

* * *

Speaking of carp/koi … there were reports of an aquatic toad that was in heat and got a little confused about which species he was supposed to mate with …

According to reports, the toad literally screwed the fish to DEATH!

* * *

Speaking of sexually super-charged animals, I’d like you to meet Elvis, the insanely randy cock!

As it turns out, Elvis there had such an out of control libido that he finally had to be exiled from the hen-house. He LITERALLY screwed the hens to DEATH.

I have 2 questions …

1) Who snagged a sample of my DNA?

2) Was a rooster the most creative thing they could do with it?

(on a side note, does that woman’s grin strike you as at all … strange?)

Yeah, it sort of troubled me too … … …

And the rooster? Look at him! “I am the Sperminator … I’ll be back!”

* * *

Let’s see … we also saw a six legged cow …

whoa … that’s just freaky!

BUUUUUUT … not as freaky as Two-Face the calf!

Makes me wonder if the same cretins who warped my DNA into a rooster have been having fun with Snow Cow’s DNA as well …

Even so, it would appear nothing of the sort is going to thwart the amazingly Mother Teresa-esque qualities of our mysterious friend who has been widely known to have a passion for feeding the poor …

* * *

But we’ll have to save talk of Snow Cow for another time … (not to mention the fact that Snow Cow is actually a bull, but things just get way too confusing way too quickly, so let’s just keep moving along, shall we?)

* * *

What else is there to look back and smile upon when we look at 2009?

* * *

INVENTIONS!

The year of our Lord, 2009 — for all of its pomp and circumstance — was not a boring one for the inventors of the world either!

In Japan, we saw all manner of robots appearing at trade shows everywhere … to include the adult entertainment industry. Seeings how my younger two sons are like to swing by this blog, I have chosen to not publish pictures of such. Sadly, you’re just gonna have to take my word for it.

HOWEVER …

We DID see the introduction of gems such as …

Yeah, see-thru cement.

Now, why anybody ever conceived of a need for translucent concrete is absolutely beyond me, but in flash of true Hungarian ingenuity, some wild-eyed Magyar kinsman of mine decided the world needed such a thing.

I dunno, maybe it was simply a matter of an inventor who wound up with one of those “Butter Face” girlfriends.

Who knows?

* * *

Let’s see, what else did 2009 bring us in the way of inventions?

AH HA! I have one …

Ever heard of Kenji Kawakami, the founder and director of the International Chindogu Society?

In fact, I hadn’t heard of him either until a couple of years ago. Back then my blogs (and other assorted brain droppings) were being served up (spicy hot, of course) at MySpace.com, and in the midst of doing some research for a year-end blog I was lucky enough to have stumbled across this man and his “society.”

Of course, if you’re at all like me, you may be sitting there thinking, “Chindogu … what the ____ is that???”

Since you’re probably on the verge of opening another browser window and heading over to Wikipedia yourself, let’s just see what the wiki has to say about Chindogu

Chindōgu … is the Japanese art of inventing ingenious everyday gadgets that, on the face of it, seem like an ideal solution to a particular problem. However, chindōgu has a distinctive feature: anyone actually attempting to use one of these inventions would find that it causes so many new problems, or such significant social embarrassment, that effectively it has no utility whatsoever.

NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!

Let’s take a look at some of Mr. Kawakami’s latest masterpieces!

Are you as big of a wuss as I am when it comes to eye drops?

Imagine the lust that will consume your friends when they see THAT device!!!

. . .  remember: a vital aspect of this fine Japanese “art”  involves significant “social embarrassment” . . .

I will say, for all his strangeness, it seems that Mr. Kawakami and I have some similar problems in life. Not only do we both share an aversion to eye drops, it seems that both of us suffer from hayfever AND a compulsion to constantly hit the snooze button in the mornings …

The snooze button on the alarm clock? …

Altho … it does sort o make you wonder if that guy’s been spending a little too much time with Jenji Kohan, huh?

* * *

Now, while the inventor of the following piece is NOT a member of Mr. Kawakami’s illustrious society, he probably SHOULD be …

I forget the guy’s name, but here’s the skinny: he’s a full out geek computer programmer who lost his finger in a motorcycle accident last year. He has since designed (and actually wears) a prosthetic finger which is equipped with a — you probably guessed already — a fully functioning flash drive.

Not quite a “thumb” drive, but …

(sorry, that was really corny)

* * *

Again, not from the slippery mind of a practitioner of Chindogu, but from the mind of a Japanese inventor all the same, allow me to present to you the Bow’lingual Translator …

Yeah … it (allegedly) translates Fido’s barks, growls and other vocalizations. Those folks need to hook up with that whole Chindogu thing.

Ya know … if you play around with it a little bit, you could probably modify that thing to into a device that will translate the latest bullshit from the White House. We could call it the Bowel’ingual Translator!

* * *

Moving along …

One final invention of 2009 that TOTALLY grabbed my attention was the PediSedate!

Look at those eyes, will ya?!?!?!? LOOK AT ‘EM!

LOOOOOK AT ‘EM!

To say that this little girl is happy is an understatement of monumental proportions! Hell, “stoned” would be an understatement …

You see, the goofy, purple device upon her head is the coveted PediSedate.

And what, you may ask, is a “PediSedate”?

Well, it is the most brilliant brainchild of an AMERICAN inventor! Allow me to allow his P.R. people to introduce this … this … MOST ingenious device:

PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the  Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down from its resting place atop the head, PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide.

Yeah, you read that right … NITROUS OXIDE!

Dudes, come ON … a Whippet delivery system that integrates with your stereo?!?!?!

GET OUTA HERE!!!!!!!!!! That’s …

BRILLIANT!!!

It’s actually a pediatric device to help get children a little looped up before minor procedures that don’t warrant full anesthesia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever … you KNOW you want one of those for recreational use too!!!!

* * *

The Fashion Industry!

Yes, it was a BUSY year for the fashion industry too, sports fans.

The wonderful people at Swarovski brought us the Bling-kini …

Not bad, not bad …

The fashion industry also saw the introduction of … I don’t EVEN know what to call this, but it’s (allegedly) the latest fad in jeans …

Uh … yeah … winking jeans. [twitch] …

I don’t know about you, but if I want a butt winking back at me, there’s a lot of other … well … I dunno … I’ll just leave that alone for now.

In an effort to maintain some modicum of continuity, let’s stick with jeans for a moment, shall we?

Now … you know that when a man spies a female body that is to his particular liking, and the object of his eye’s affections happens to be wearing a perfectly fit pair of jeans, a question that often accompanies that brief moment in time is whether she’s the type of girl that wears a thong.

Well, once again, thanks to our friends in Japan, our women-folk no longer have to be overly coy …

Of course, those are really only cool when it’s a gal OTHER than your daughter wearing them.

You really don’t want me to “go there” with that subject. Let’s simply say that when it comes to raising girls, my parenting skills probably makes Ghengis Khan or hardline Islamic men pale in comparison.

Anyhow … since the Spousal Unit HAS been known to occasionally sneak through this place, I should probably refrain from any further discussion on this matter unless I want to risk something like THIS:


OUCH!!!!!!!!!

All the same, those jeans really are smokin’ hot!

* * *

THE FUTURE! What’s in store for 2010?

Let’s take a few minutes on our magic puppy ride and travel a little into the future, shall we?

The 2010 calendars showing up at the mall and local bookstores everywhere portend to a year of old-fashioned goodness and more!

SRSLY!

Really, I meant that “seriously” part … here’s February:

Utah, huh?

. . .

But, if wholesome Mormon girls aren’t really your thing, 2010 is also ushering in an era of other interesting calendars …

Zombies, anyone?

J’yup, that’s a real image taken from a real calendar!

.  .  .

If zombies are a little too messy, how about coffins?

W … T … F … ????

* * *

Now THERE’s an “undertaker” for ya!!!!

* * *

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

How ’bout the Swiss Miss 2010 calendar!

Look at the grin on the goat on the left! I’d be all steamed-up too!!!!

There’s also the “Foxy Hunters 2010″ calendar!

* * *

* * *

Wow, looks like I’m running out of time …

Since Chumly is not likely to take time out of his busy schedule to blog here any time soon, allow me to pass along to you a joke that he passed along to me today …

OK, so you’re out hunting .  . .

it’s the beginning of the rut, bucks and does are running around like they have no brain whatsoever,

you know your buddy is in the next blind over and you’re both hoping to get a deer on opening weekend,

all of a sudden you look out to your left and see this …


The question is …

under the new Fish, Game and Wildlife statewide regulations what are you supposed to do?

Do you shoot the one with the bigger rack . . . or the gay one?


* * *

* * *

Well, there’s a better than average possibility that this will be my last blog posting for 2009. Turns out that I’ll be turning over a few new leaves this next year … some of them not being entirely my own doing, but anyhow … since this is my final sign off for the year, I guess we can indulge one last moment of selfish indulgence …

PEACE OFF!

(Ha! I bet you thought I was going to have one parting “peace off, fuckers!”, didn’t ya?)

Updates … n’ stuff

10

Wow, what a weekend. I’d love to say that it was magic-filled and all of that other good, happiness stuff … but it wasn’t.

I shan’t, however, bore you with the occasion visitations of my own little personal hell.

What I WILL do, though … it try and toss a few laughs your way.

There are some new posts over at my Politico blog. If you have any appreciation whatsoever for Australians and/or their humor, head on over!

However, for those of you who refuse to put up with my political/social commentary and the occasional rant, here’s your own little moment of Zen … just so the visit here doesn’t seem like a total waste of time.

I think more than a few of us can relate … (give it a few minutes, you’ll see)

Until next time …

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!

(and beware the snow cow!)

Merry Christmas and other nonsense…

10

My fiend Buck and I were chatting the other day and he reminded me to something I had forgotten about. Middle school humor. I love pointless humor. Its so fulfilling and nonsensical and well…pointless that its charming in its own way.

I have a child currently in the throws of middle school and so I decided that maybe ol` dad needed to re-edumicate himself to the glory that is absurdity for absurdities sake.

In my studies I was reminded of an old standby and it seems that I had forgotten it almost entirely. So I present to you my re-introduction and interpretation of said gem.

M R DUCKS (apparently one small verbally challenged child is pointing out to another small verbally challenged child the presence of waterfowl)

M R KNOT (I think here is where the disagreement begins, one child does not believe the others observation and is almost assuredly nearly blind as well)

O S A R (the first child is adamant about said waterfowl)

C M WANGS (to prove his point the first child makes the second child aware of the presence of the waterfowls ability to fly)

L I B (the second child is astonished and stands corrected)

M R DUCKS (finally after much arguing and deliberation the second child affirms that indeed those are waterfowl, although I have my doubts as to his ability to function normally with his vision problem)

Here is another example of a conversation between two small verbally, and I think possibly mentally, challenged children, this time with literal interpretation.

M R MICE (Them are mice)

M R KNOT (Them are not)

O S A R (Oh yes they are)

C M E D B D FEET (See them itty bitty feet)

Y I B (Why I’ll be)

Some other examples I have come across, which I will not interpret for obvious reasons:

M R NAKES

M R NOT

O S A R

C M E D B D EYES

L I B

M R NAKES

M R PUPPIES

M R NOT

O S A R

C M P N (although im not sure why the act of bladder evacuation assures that they are indeed puppies, last I checked most mammals do this)

L I B

M R PUPPIES

And my favorite two for last:

M R FARMERS

M R NOT

O S A R

C M M T POCKETS

L I B

M R FARMERS

M R Edumakashun Majers
M R Knot
O S A R, C M M T Pockets?
L I B
M R Edumakashun Majers

Some of these have wonderful names and titles like:

Official LSU admittance test

and

12th Grade Reading Test
State of Arkansas

(Passage of this Test Mandatory for Diploma)

So in conclusion middle school humor can be very enlightening, even entertaining, in its own special little way.

On to other things…

I am about to rant so if you would like to skip this in lieu of more cheerful fodder, please feel free to look for the “Rant begins/ends here:” indicators and pick up nearer the bottom.

Rant begins here:

Well ladies and germs, its that time of year again where we get to bastardize one of the most bestest holidays in the land, yes kiddies I am speaking of the tragedy that has become Christmas. Now don’t get me wrong, I heart Christmas, but I hate to see what it has become. I cant complain too much because I am part of the problem. I don’t enjoy the commercialized capitalistic money-whoring cess pool of advertising and greed that we have twisted Christmas into, but facing facts, I’m helping feed this monster just like the rest of us. Problem is that despite my feelings on the subject, I cant just give up on what has become closer to the rule rather than the exception, especially in our country. If I had my way I would choose to do things different, but it effects more than just me. It means that my kids would be disappointed, my brothers, their wives, nieces and nephews, in-laws, my parents, everyone I am close to would get nothing or very little from me, and the reality is that I like seeing their smiling faces. I enjoy giving, which is why its so easy to fall into this money-pit of excessive spending and outrageous expectations. My in-laws are spending between 500 and 600 PER GRANDCHILD. I find that simply amazing. They have 6 grandchildren, that’s 3000 to 3600 for all you math wizards out there. They are self-employed and ride the verge between the national standards for bottom middle class and poverty. My Significent Other (Best Friend) gets sick to her stomach when she thinks about it, this year she even confronted her mother about it. She wanted to make it plain to her mother that her grandchildren would love her no matter what they got for Christmas, her response, “ …but they will love me more if I spend more.”

Wtf is that?

What kind of message is that sending our children? Maybe they are too young, or oblivious to get it? Maybe they don’t care, well for sure they don’t care, look at what they are getting. Maybe even if they knew they wouldn’t care? Maybe no one cares? I know I do. Maybe you don’t care? (Its ok, you don’t have to share my ideals, I still like you. Well most of you.)

We try to live modestly, but we still spend maybe 200 to 250 dollars per child for gifts, maybe this is high, but my feeling is that it likely is low. Some years we have spent more, some less. Most often it is whatever is within our means. Some years I have been layed-off. Some years my BF hasn’t had a job due to taking time off to raise our family. Things happen and some years are lean and some fat. (currently I am fat, while my wallet is lean, but that’s a different subject alltogether)

As I understand it, the point is to have a point, so here is mine:

Giving is good, so maybe we shouldn’t give up on Christmas entirely. Excessiveness is bad, even excessive giving, when it leads to setting a poor example, or stretching oneself beyond ones means (going ridiculously in to debt to give what is not needed). The point is, without getting all religious on your asses, is to remember the reason behind the gift that is Christmas.

Ok, enough of a rant for me.

Rant ends here:

Christmas Funny Pictures, Images and Photos

Here is a little collection of Christmas words, sayings and phrases I have been accumulating this season to share with you good folks. Enjoy! …and much thanks to Urban Dictionaries’ word of the day emails.

December 19: Cashmas

The primary holiday celebrated in capitalist cultures. Generally observed around the winter solstice, Cashmas is a celebration of materialism in which its celebrants attempt to flatter or impress relatives, friends, and acquaintances with the extent of their purchasing power. (The “power to get”.) Cashmas co-opts signs, symbols, and sympathies from other religious holidays of the winter season to mask its foundation of conspicuous consumption. In the United States, where the holiday is most actively observed, Cashmas traditionally begins on “Black Friday”, that is, the day following Thanksgiving Thursday in November. Holiday observations traditionally end on January 2nd, but may arguably be said to extend through “Super Bowl Sunday” of professional American football. This event can occur as late as the month of February.

Also “$mas”.

Jodi spent 14 hours at the mall in celebration of Cashmas.

December 20: Christmasochist

Someone who continues to subject themselves to Christmas activities — Secret Santa, carolling, etc. — despite feeling painfully awkward at the event.

Ryan’s uncomfortable laughter at the Secret Santa Pot Luck indicated he was an Christmasochist.

December 21: Gift Parasite

A person who adds their name to a gift tag in order to claim partial credit for giving the gift.

I’m totally broke so I had to be a gift parasite and sign on that present you’re giving Grandma.

December 22: santaclaustrophobia

fear of too many santa clauses

He felt a bout of santaclaustrophobia coming upon him as the holiday season approached.

December 23: Christmas Eve Eve

The day before Christmas Eve, 2 days before Christmas.

Stay away from the malls on Christmas Eve Eve.

Today is Christmas Eve Eve.

December 24: gift crack

The gap in wrapping paper or uncovered portion of a gift usually found on the bottom of the box. May result from the gift wrapper running out of paper or cutting gift wrap too small to cover the entire package.

Bryan figured out what his present was because the gift crack exposed the picture on the box.

…and my fav

ChristmaHanuKwanzaakah

The Ultimate Winter Fusion Holiday
It’s Christmas Hanukkah and Kwanzaa all rolled into one
This Holiday is useful for a family of many different religions (I can’t imagine why but this is a good contingency plan for those of you not married, engaged, or met your significant other yet) It lasts 16 days, One for Christmas, Eight for Hanukkah, and Six for Kwanzaa

“I hope I get that book I wanted for Christmas, what did you ask for?”
“I exactly celebrate Christmas, I celebrate ChristmaHanuKwanzaakah. It’s 16 days long!”

Or this version…

Christmahannukwanzaadon

Encompasses Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, and Ramadon all in one big merry holiday. An alternative to the ever-popular Festivus for the Rest of Us from Seinfeld.

“Merry Christmahannukwanzaadon and a happy new year!” said Santa Claus.


funny Pictures, Images and Photos

Disclaimer:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.


Photobucket

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!

-Nuthin

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

A Holiday PSA from Buck!

10

Yeah, I know, I know …

PSA’s (Public Service Annoucements) are typically the dubious honor and domain of the rich and famous (and, dare I say, usually troubled) Hollywood elite and their ilk.

However, it is not entirely uncommon for a garden variety citizen such as myself who will rise to the occasion and selflessly — and from the bottom of their heart — offer their own message intended for the betterment of mankind.

I, my friends, your dear and beloved Faux King, Emperor of The Wonderful World of Buck … am one such benevolent soul

* * *

This year I would like to talk to you about child safety and the holidays.

Children are often pitiful, hapless victims in the midst of these holiday soirées of questionable sobriety.

Victim? you ask …

Yes, hapless, unwitting victims, I tell you.

How so? I hear you inquire …

Well, indulge me as I attempt to elaborate.

Unless you are a living in a cave (or a back alley around the corner from a resturant or deli), one thing that is certain to be an unavoidable component is kitchen utensils.

Sure, maybe you’re the type (lazy, like me) that provides pretty much nothing but chips, crackers and other various and assorted finger foods.

All the same, you’re sure to have at LEAST one dish that requires the presence of a fork.

Yes, the seemingly innocent and benign fork is really an evil, scheming, autonomous agent of the underworld, hell-bent on wreaking havoc upon your festivities.

Of course, forks aren’t ALWAYS evil …

Oh wait, my bad … those are spoons.

Anyhow … back to our little public service announcement …

Forks + Children == Bad News

. . .

Look at p’oh, p’oh, little innocent Billy here …

See dis????

IT HUUUUURRRRRRTTTTTT, MOMMY!

IT HURT!

See what happens when you and your friends get distracted with the holiday festivities?

More disturbing than those seemingly little nicks on Billy’s little nose is how they came to get there …

This

One

Bothered

Me

(a little)

.

. .

. . .

. . . .

. . . . .

. . . .

. . .

. .

.

OUCH x 1,000,000,000!!!!!!!!

* * *

Merry Christmas everyone!

Until we meet again, sports fans, always remember …

Forks are bad.

Spoons are good.

And until next time …

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!


. . .

Looking for more holiday cheer, BucksWorld style?

Head on over to Nuthin’s post:  Merry Christmas and other nonsense…

Mommy’s Kisses

10

Have you seen Snow Cow???

Seems the early snow fall last weekend brought out our elusive friend, Snow Cow (which, by and by, should never be confused with the elusive Butt Ox … but that’s another story for another day). Please join me in a moment of silence whilst we share a prayer for the safe and healthy return of our hero, Snow Cow.

[bow heads now]

* * *

Holy crap, guys! You close your eyes for a mere few seconds and THIS is the sort of crap that pops into your mind????

That is downright disturbing! Shame on you … on ALL of you …

* * *

So, the urge to blast out some really pissed off political bloggage is definitely brewing away inside. Thing is, anything I’m in the mood to rant about has already been covered. Worse still, I fear that apathy and cynicism is so rampant in our society that such blogs are tantamount to preaching to the choir. The only people reading them are the people who agree … who are equally as pissed off … and still, “we” continue to vote in the same worthless career criminals and ass-hats.

So, whilst I decide what to write about over at my “Politico” website, wadda ya say we take a stroll through some of my photograph archives?

Those who’ve followed my online shenanigans over the years are aware that I sport a rather hefty image collection. Nothing at all compared to my MP3 collection, which is — quite frankly — downright impressive(over 7,800 albums, and roughly 105,000 songs).

All the same, my photo collection is not only thorough, but contains imagines from around the planet … and a good number of them of places very, VERY far away.

In fact, a few of them were taken during some of my shenanigans while experimenting with a friend’s time travel device:

Enough gloating, though.

* * *

Some have asked why I abandoned MySpace. Apart from having already written about the retarded level of drama and worse, I really should add that the place … well, it just lacks class, ya know?

Seriously … MySpace has truly become the trailer park of social websites.

Speaking of trailer parks and since it IS the “holiday season” which, as we  all know, brings with it PLENTY of Christmas cheer … let’s take a moment to reflect upon the little children of the world raised in such places.

Looks like the little bumpkin was up ALL NIGHT, doesn’t it?

* * *

Earlier this week, a dear friend of the Spousal Unit innocently posted  a question on my Facebook page, asking, “What is camel toe anyway?”

I have to admit, I stared at that question and blinked a few times in confusion. I mean, Mary is about my age, maybe a little younger. Granted, she LOOKS a great deal younger than me, but all the same … it’s not like little Miss Mary has lead a particularly sheltered life.

So, since this was asked on Facebook … and since I have most of my family and some family friends linked to that profile … most notably, my wife … I struggled with how best to answer that question.

I mean, if nothing else, answering that question too directly could easily lead one into a veritable shit storm …

We don’t want that!

. . .

It finally occurred to me that perhaps it’s not just Mary who has not heard that particular vernacular …

And that, folks … in all seriousness… falls into the category of:

The Universal Sign for: “I’m crappin’ you negative!”
(because “I shit you not” might be offensive to some)

* * *

So, since we’re on the subject … the term camel toe is a bit more versatile than you may think!

To start with, you’ve got the painfully obvious … there’s the perfectly literal sense of the term:


* * *

There’s always the SLIGHTLY less than literal as well …

Sorry, but that is amongst one of the COOLEST tattoos I’ve ever seen!

* * *

Believe it or not, “The Camel Toe” enjoys a certain amount of notoriety in the fashion industry as well. Behold, my friends, the Camel Toe sandals!

Once again, ladies and gentlemen … I am crapping you negative! That is a REAL product … or, at least, once was.

Speaking of product advertisements …

I dare say that probably never was a real product …

* * *

You see, there are just some things one shouldn’t post on their blog once the cat is out of the bag and family members are linked in …

* * *

Which brings me back to my point. When it comes to posting stuff on the internet . . .

Always remember boys and girls …

… another pic I snapped while playing with Reds’ time travel device …

Walk with me, talk with me …

7

Hey folks,

It’s time once again for a brief intermission from the inanity.

In short, I’ve had to resort to changing the system so only registered users can post comments now.

Reason? Some moronic hackers overseas have been using blog comments on my site to post links to servers they’ve hijacked.

I’ve been spending a LOT of time every week deleting these “trojan horse” comments, sometimes upwards of 20 minutes a DAY.

THE GOOD NEWS … becoming a registered user of BucksWorld has some benefits:

– If you click on “Remember me” the next time you log on, you’ll no longer be asked to provide your name, etc. when posting comments or replies to other people’s comments. Yay.

– It automatically enrolls you in our occasional drawings and random “door prize” days. Yes, YOU too could win VALUABLE PRIZES!

– Quite frankly, the sense of becoming part of something bigger than yourself borders on orgasmic.

– and most importantly: Your information will NEVER be sold or made available to any body, any time, for any reason! Quite frankly, there’s not all that much of a chance that you are more paranoid about surfing the internet than I am. I DETEST junk mail, I am genuinely AFRAID of identity theft. I’m not really sure if there’s anything I CAN say to make you more comfortable about taking this step other than to tell you I’ve been doing this “online entertainment” thing for a decade and a half. There are people who CAN vouch for the fact that BucksWorld has NEVER hosted advertising links … has never once turned a single penny’s profit. I’ve paid for these websites out of my own pocket purely for the sheer enjoyment of hopefully finding people who will join me at laughing with AND AT me.

So, come on … WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!?!?!

Click now and become a honorary citizen of the Wonderful World of Buck!

.

ps: if you do NOT receive a confirmation email with your password within 20 minutes, please shoot me a message at Facebook or my private email address: “Buck [zat] BucksWorld.net

(of course, don’t include the quotation marks and replace the [zat] with … well, you know … the “AT” symbol …)

~ ~ ~

On an semi-related note: this is NOT the same as subscribing. Registering makes you a MEMBER of this online community. That gives you the right to comment and opens the doors to giving you a blog of your own here some day.

Subscribing, however, is a means whereby you receive notification of each new blog that gets posted here.  The various subscription options available are listed at the top-right of each and every blog posted (cleverly disguised as “Subscription Options”).

Missing: Snow Cow!

6

Well, if you live in the mid-Atlantic, we had quite the weekend, did we not???

Granted, our friends from the hinterlands (Canadia, Wisconsin, et al) wouldn’t consider 21″ of accumulated snow to be all that problematic, BUT …

snow-car-boot_1547112i

Shifting the weight … grabbin’ some traction!

You need to understand that the Virginia Dept. of Transportation recruits their snow removal employees from the ranks of Wal-Mart greeters.

If you live in a part of the world where there is no such thing as Wal-Mart then … well, how do I put this delicately? …

I was going to place an image here, but it began to occur to me that such might be a little over the top so let’s just wrap this up with a quick word picture instead.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

That said,  suffice it to say that the roadways around here are still in pretty rough shape. I HOPE to be able to get the old Buck’mobile back into the neighborhood before Christmas.

~ ~ ~

So, beyond the “Great Christmas Blizzard of ’09” what else happened in the world this weekend?

Well, for starters, it appears that the authorities in the UK are on hunt for this man …

cctv-bum-sniffer_1547163i

Uh, yeah … it IS what it appears to be. A man secretly stalked a female employee who, I assume, was … shall we say … more than mildly odoriferous. I mean, maybe there was a little early mornin’ lovin’ and not enough time for a shower, who knows … but to have a strange man stalk about, pretending to be looking at prices and/or ingredients whilst she stocks shelves.

Full article here.

More than a lil’ creepy, huh?

I mean, at least this guy’s not being sneaky about it!

PantySniffer

~ ~ ~

What else?

Oh, holy crap … did you catch THIS one?

The executive director of Greenpeace, held up a document and proclaimed: “This is the single most important piece of paper in the world today!”

What was that single “most important piece of paper” in the world … today?

An alarmist UN “press release” intended to create a sense of panic and immediacy. It’s really starting to piss me off the way the UN and the current Administration here in the U.S. are so fixated on forcing things into place, regardless of the consequences.

But that’s another blog for one of my other blog pages …

~ ~ ~

Amy Winehouse strikes again!

AmyEyesGOFF_468x609

The U.K.’s own progeny of Israelite met a camel and procreated decided to visit a local theater in Milton Keynes, Bucks. That’s somewhere in the U.K. … I just thought it was sort of nifty that it carried my name! :o)

Anyhow … for reasons that continue to baffle me, the iconic Back to Black singer, went to a local production of the play Cinderella. One could probably be rather safe in assuming that she was more than mildly under the influence.

How could one be so judgmental?

Imagine the shock and horror of the children and parents in attendance (allegedly) heard Miss Winehouse blurting out things like, “He’s right f*@&ing behind you!”

Better still, how about this line: “Fuck Cinders, Prince Charming, marry me!”

While being confronted by theater staff, she also allegedly yelled out to the Ugly Sisters, calling them, “bitches!”

Simon Cowell seems downright congenial by comparison, huh?

~ ~ ~

Onto matters upon my own shores …

obama-care_hard-pill

Seems the Obama administration continued with their frenzied push of an arbitrary deadline for this so-called “health care reform” bill of theirs. God damn, that one really pisses me off … mostly because they’ve NOT ALLOWED hardly anybody access to the now more than 2,000 pages. How the hell is ANYONE supposed to vote on something they know nothing about …

Well, okay … I think that’s the status quo on Capitol Hill, but anyhow …

~ ~ ~

Here’s one that caught me mildly off guard. Do you know what one of the most common “injuries” are handled in emergency rooms during the Christmas season (apart from oven burns and people who choke on food) ? ? ?

People whose eyeballs are dried out as a result of sleeping with eyes open after excess alcohol consumption.

Don’t get me wrong here. I mean, I’ve had my periods of life where calling me an Olympic caliber beer drinking was an understatement in itself, but I do not recall ever getting so passed-out smashed that I slept with my eyes open.

Wow …

~ ~ ~

Ah, I forgot to congratulate the Dallas Cowboys for being the first team to come our ahead of the heretofore undefeated New Orleans Saints. I tried watching the game, but I was “secretly” hoping the Saints would win, but if not, I’d at least hoped for a close game.

Neither turned out to be the case, but at least we got a little treat or two along the way …

dallas-cheerleader_1542874i

Well, sports fans, speaking of said Spousal Unit, she should be here any minute now to alight me from my wonderful place of employment and off into the wild, cold yonder. Hopefully I’ll ultimately find myself before a Golden Tee machine before the afternoon is through.

Oh, for those of you who’ve not been bored to stitches with my Golden Tee great shot moments over on Facebook, here’s a line-up of some of my nicest shots of the year.

I hope to post another blog or two before the holiday weekend arrives.

Until next we see each other again … remember …

SNOW COW IS WATCHING YOU …

buffalo-eye_bangladesh

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!!!

Put on your boots, sports fans

10

Strange days, indeed.

Here we are in the midst of some serious Global Warm . . . uh . . . ya know, now that I think about … when I was kid in grade school — back in sunny old southern California — our teachers, mostly a mellow-yellow lot of Woodstock victims still in recovery, used to get us all freaked out about the coming Ice Age.

Quite likely even in our lifetime!

And the more I start thinking about it, it occurs to me that this was right about the time where Al Gore says he created the Internet.

“Hmmm,” says one little corner of my mind to another (who’s label shall remain withheld), “this is most curious, is it not?”

The Ineffable corner replies, “Indeed, sire, it is . . . it is most curious, indeed!”

Fast forward through the bizarre decade or so that unfolded . . .

And man, did Billy Joel nail that one right with that video? The 70’s nad 80’s were a really intense blur.

Then again, maybe it was Utah …

So anyhow …

In the midst of that veritable whirlwind that was the aforementioned decades, something strange happened.

The U.N. — outspoken critics of nationalism and far much more, schemed up an idea whereby the evil Capitalists might some day be coerced to relinquish their wealth.

Carbon tax … oh, wait, hold on … tax is such an ugly word. Let’s label it …

CARBON CREDITS!

But let’s save a more in-depth pursuit of such things for my “serious” blog around the corner from here.

What I want to blather about this afternoon is just some of what’s been factually going on in regards to this whole matter of … I mean, what IS the euphemism du jour for Global Warming? I mean, the flippant use of the term, “climate change” is laughable enough. Of COURSE climate change is occurring, dummy! It does that, all day, every day of every week of every month of every single stinking year that has ever been or ever will be to come!

Climate Changes!

Wow, what a heady concept.

I mean, what on Earth could have caused those previous ice ages? Seriously, glaciers have clearly expanded and retreated repeatedly over the ages, have they not?

Oh, yeah … they have!

Let’s not get conflicted with petty little matters such as the fact that our dear “mother Gaia” belches and farts the most toxic gasses imaginable into the atmosphere on a regular basis.

~ ~ ~

OH MAN!!!! I wish I’d had my camera with me just now. I let my little Jack Russell terrier, Sparky, out to pee … and she pranced across the deck and leapt off onto where the lawn usually is. I leaned over to see her, as she’d disappeared, and all there was waws this little black set of nostrils peering back, snorting.

It was straight up like the infamous scene from Scarface!!!!

It was HILLARIOUS!

~ ~ ~

But anyhow, since this isn’t the serious blog page and it is not my intent to wax acidic, let’s just take see if there’s some humor or irony to be found in this strange twist of “unquestionable” global cooling theory cum “unquestionable man-made global warming” theory.

I mean, the headline shot round the world today was, “UN hails climate deal as ‘essential beginning’!”

So anyhow …

You heard that the Pope of the church of Anthropogenic Global Warming spoke to the masses at COP15 in Copenhagen this week, right?

Yesss, he did!

gore-ap-article_1498960c

And don’t go getting all angry with me about the spiritual references. Al HIMSELF proclaimed,

“This is not a political issue, or a scientific issue or a psychological issue … it’s a moral issue. If anything it’s actually a spiritual issue.”

But anyhow … faux-Pope Gore claimed that new computer modelling suggests there is a 75 per cent chance of the entire polar ice cap melting during the summertime by 2014.

Yeah, seriously … a SEVENTY FIVE percent chance that the polar ice caps will MELT by the summer of 2014.

Actually, we should first let Al speak for himself:

“These figures are fresh, I just got them yesterday.

“Some of the models suggest to Dr. Maslowski that there is a 75 per cent chance that the entire polar ice cap during some of summer months could be completely ice free within five to seven years.”

The crowd gasped in shock!

Al continued with a plea …

“There are more than a billion people on the planet who get more than half of their drinking water – many of them all of their drinking water – from the seasonal melting of snow melt and glacier ice.”

Wow … did that remind you the least bit of THIS precious moment?

I mean, seriously … that was right up there with the Brooks Shields epiphany that, “and if you’re killed, you’ve lost a really important part of your life!”

ANYHOW …

So there’s Al, giving us the fresh scoop — the inside dope as it were — that some of these models suggest to Dr. Maslowski that the polar ice caps could be gone in a mere few years!

Dr. Maslowski, however, really took one heck of a piss on the coals of Al’s marshmallow roast when he immediately announced that he had no clue what Al was talking about nor could he even imagine at how such a conclusion could have been reached.

OOPS! I did it again!

Britney-spears

. . .

Well, sports fans, the phone just rang and it’s time for this ol’ Buck to make himself all pretty and prepare to enjoy some of this beaitful snowy weather with the lovely and overly happy Spousal Unit. She lights up about this sort of weather even more than I do!

So, until the next time that we cross paths and attempt to make one or the other smile, laugh, chuckle or stutter …

PEACE OFF!

cuba-chains_1545998i

And now, a word from our sponsor … (just kidding)

7

Before I treat you to the latest in a LONG LINE of Little Johnny jokes, I would like to invite those of you with an IQ at least a multiple of your shoe size to head over to my Politico blog (linked below). If you’re of a deeply hysterical bent (ie: Marxist, ultra-liberal scum who subscribes to non-sense such as man-made global warming and the cause of the so-called Climate Change meeting in Copenhagen this week), you’ll probably not want to click on this link. If you give at least two shits … hell, if you even give a single shit … about this great country and securing the freedoms, Liberty and potential for success that we have enjoyed for numerous generations, then I do encourage you to click away and take a few moments to ponder today’s little “rant.”

Health Care “Reform” ? ? ?

And now … for our regularly scheduled cartoon …

. . .

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

The teacher said, “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself , “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher:”That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Teacher:”Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher:”That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Teacher:”Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,”John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher:”That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

Alrighty sports fans … I hope to be back early tomorrow morning with some more cheap shots at laughter and more. Until then …

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!


mexoci-peace-off

Weekend update, 13 Dec 2009

4

Perhaps I should be careful to not take as lightly the title, “Ebrius Maximus!”

Wow, what … a … weekend!

. . .

Friday was a blast. Actually made it home at a decent hour and had a BLAST with Mikey and the gang.

Saturday, as some of my Facebook friends saw, I enjoyed a rather rewarding Golden Tee shot.

What made it particularly rewarding was the fact that it was a “Hole N Win” shot.

Those are occasional opportunities for a GT golfer to “wager” for the oppotunity to win money if a hole in one is made. The wager amount is either always 50 cents or a dollar, depending on the pay-out. The potential pay-out is based on difficulty. The potential pay-out  can be anywhere from $10 is … and it has been a LONG time since we’ve seen one this high … $400.

Mine was a 50 cent wager for a $15 pay-out. Yeah, I nailed it! [grins]

That was the first “Hole N Win” on the machine at our bar since late in May.

In fact, here’s that one! :o)

.  . .

After a really quick round of GT, we made it over to Debbie’s house for ger annual Christmas party. LOTS of fun, excellent food, some woman with a stupefyingly beautiful voice sang while Davey played the piano … and the late night tequila was FANTASTIC. I do wish I remembered what the name of it was as it had a fantastically unique and enjoyable taste.

Sadly, it followed a couple of us over to Danny’s place across the street. He and Crazy Steve were texting a mutual friend of ours and me from about 11pm until shortly after 1am, when we finally strolled on over. Enjoyed some of the most outstanding pool I’ve played in YEARS.

Sadly, one of the guys grew weary of me … I guess it’s one thing to play at a bizarre level of excellence … and quite another to have it repeatedly rubbed in by someone talking some major trash.

In the infamous words of Kid Rock, “It ain’t cocky mother $%#@& if you back it up!”

I swear to god, that guy totally kirked out on me!!!! Fortunately for us both, I’m the sort of friend that won’t allow such situation fully melt down.

Granted, we’re both a little bruised and sore … but it’s all good!

. . .

Well, with that little Jerry Springer story in mind … let me part ways with a little remider of that which is … Walmart!

backboobs

Knee Grow … PLEASE!

21

No, I don’t like big, nasty, knobby knees … the title is yet another of my feeble attempts to curtail my cursing. It’s another … shall we say … Faux Curse!

I mean, let’s face it … for some of us, the not entirely uncommon phrase, “Nigga, PLEASE!” really has a place, but … us “Crackaz” really aren’t allowed to go there.

But let’s just get moving along and take a quick look at some of the strange happenings in the world this week that MIGHT cause one to utter such a phrase … if one was rightfully allowed to do so.

. . .

Exhibit One: Black Out surprise!

A university student in China went and got himself more than thoroughly inebriated last weekend.

I know, since when did college students start engaging in “binge drinking”, right???

All the same, when he awoke the next morning, still feeling entirely less than perfectly sober, he was suffering from sharp, stabbing pains in his lower abdomen. As the day progressed the pain did not subside. Ultimately, the young man made his way to the Hunan Hangtian Hospital whereupon he was finally taken for an x-ray.

Whereupon the attending x-ray technician and physician, Dr. Wei Lung Zhi, were confronted with something that I can only imagine seemed (at the very least) patently bizarre.

x-ray-remote_1540994i

Embedded deep within the poor boy’s rectal cavity was the remote control for his television.

Ya know, I’ve done some things to people who were dumb enough to pass out in my presence. I mean, in the world I come from, that’s really high on the “party foul” scale. But not once, ever, in my history of ebrius maximus pranks, have I ever considered doing something this … wrong!

The attending physician was later quoted as saying, “He will be fine in time but the remote was a write-off.”

. . .

Exhibit Two: Mondo-Bizarro Christmas Gifts

This really isn’t a single exhibit, it’s more of a series. All the same, walk with me (in the virtual sense, of course) as we explore some of the downright useless and strange gifts being offered this year!

First we have …

rolling-pin

Uh …. yeah, okay. You know the world has GOT to coming to end soon when mankind has reached THIS level of unashamed laziness!

. . .

Next we have am alarm clock that is, curiously enough, name the “Wake n Bake.” As I’m sure you’ll quickly realize, this is NOT what I had in mind when I saw *that* name …

wake-n-bakeEarly morning munchies anyone???

. . .

What do you get for the married women who has everything … including a spouse she absolutely detests?

knife-block_main_1541888i

I’m willing to bet this would be a BIG hit with the Spousal Unit! If this shows up under the Christmas tree this year, I’m putting a deadbolt on my bedroom door that can only be unlocked from the inside! (uh, yeah … different rooms … :o\ … )

.  .  .

This next one, however … is simply PRICELESS!

blood-bath-shower-_1541893i

.  .  .

Well, sports fans, that’s about all I have time for today. Since this was a blog that was exceptionally short on text / knowledge / informification / pearls of wisdom, I offer you — my dear and cherished reader — the following Discovery moment.

Please … take a few brief moments from your day and click now.

Enjoy!

. . .

Until next time …

. . .

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!


madrid_1212960i

Of Bacon and Men … (updated)

14

You-Will-Enjoy-BaconYou-Will-Enjoy-Bacon_500x500… you will love our bacon … you will love our bacon …

I stumbled across an article this morning announcing the results of a recent study and claiming that men prefer to smell of bacon over the smell of babies.

This got me to thinking …

Babies … spittle, dribbles of vomit, loaded diapers.

Bad.

But bacon? Why on Earth was this even used as a basis of comparison.

I mean, think about it …

You have …

THIS:

dirty-abandoned-diaper

. . .

. . . VERSUS . . .

. . .

THIS!

336778410_95a6bac24c_m

Are you KIDDIN’ me?!?!?!

. . .

Rather than research the raw data I began a mental journey all my own, convinced that I could solve this mystery on my own.

BUT WAIT … before we begin, make sure to grab your Magic Thinking Cap …

magic thinking capI know, I know … ever *that* sort of looks like bacon, doesn’t it??? [wink] … the bacon hypnosis is working … it’s working!!!

ANYHOW …

Bacon.

As my postulations and meditations on bacon began, I quickly realized that man has quite the affinity for bacon. Well, if you discount those horribly effeminate men who call themselves Vegans.

vegetarian-bacon

. . .

Dogs, they say, are man’s best friend …

. . .

dog-bacon. . .

That MIGHT be taking the whole “man’s best friend” thing a little too far, though.

. . .

I then recalled some of the delightful bacon dishes I’ve encountered over the years. Delicious dishes that only a man would design!

. . .

bacon-donutYES! Bacon encrusted donuts! What more could a man ask for?

. . .

As you should know by know, be careful about posing questions to me …

. . .

As I thought about it, another memory came to mind … a culinary memory that involved bacon …

. . .

. . . and donuts …

. . .

The Bacon Cheeseburger with a Krispy Cream Donut as the bun!

bacon-cheddar-krispy-kremeOh.

. . .

M.

. . .

Effin.

. . .

GEEEEEEEE!

. . .

Could that be it, though?

. . .

Could there be more to bacon than just these little culinary treats?

. . .

Evidently, someone else in the world thinks so …

baconlube[blink] … [blink]

. . .

Lube???

. . .

Yeah, that one sort of caught me off guard too.

. . .

But only for a moment …

. . .

. . .

It immediately hit me … there was — embedded somewhere deeply in my synapses — a memory of something that I believe very well may be approaching the pinnacle of bacon lover’s bliss …

bacon-bra-01

. . .

The Bacon Bra!

. . .

And we all know how competitive the world is … and just when you thought we had achieved the plateau of bacon brilliance, I remembered this image …

. . .

bacon-Bikini

Bacon == Win!
. . .

Update: The highly esteemed Buck’s World contributor, Nuthin, swung by last night and uploaded an additional bacon pic that definitely belongs as part of this post. To further advance the maxim that Bacon == Win! I proudly present:

baconmartiniKC

The Bacon’tini!

. . .

And if you’re interested, there’s a dude that documented a fun looking recipe to make bacon infused vodka, Absolut Bacon is what he calls it!

But if, like me, you’re more on the lazy side, there’s always …

bakonvodka

Proving once again …

. . .

Bacon == Win!

Involuntary Releases of Artistic Ignorance …

12

Have you seen any of the recent “brain fart” commercial from kgb?

Check it out if you haven’t …

That one absolutely cracked me up … if for no other reason than I grew up hearing that term quite regularly (my dad often made a gallant effort at covering for my stupidity when Mom saw it for what it really was, “Naw, honey … the boy just had a brain fart, that’s all”).

Anyhow … I was actually trying to go somewhere with this thought …

Ah, yes … Global Warming, that was it … (I know, I know … the latest, PC euphemism is “climate change”)

Here recently, the Royal Academy (in the U.K.) opened a new display entitled, “Earth: Art of a Changing World.” The show is themed around global warming and the feature artist is Tracey Emin, age 46, pictured below with some of her recent work:

emin-1_1534672i

She looks overjoyed, does she not? I only wish I knew what was handwritten below those cheesy looking birds! (btw: is anyone even proud of the fact that I actually looked beyond the boobs and even noticed the penciled writing? Granted, my initial thought was, “does that say, ‘now go throw your semen at any one’ … ???”)

But anyhow …

So, what REALLY crossed my mind was, why was the lovely Tracey Emin chosen as the featured artist? As fate would have it, I stumbled across an explanation in her own words mere moments later …

I’m not a good person. I’m a bad advert. I take too many planes… I keep my heating on all day and night because I get really cold and I’m scared of the dark so I sleep with the light on”

I see … it all makes perfect sense now. (if you were here with me now, you’d surely notice my left eyelid twitching … albeit mildly, but twitching all the same)

. . .

. . .

The lovely miss Emin is not the only artist on display … also included are works by the likes of Antony Gormley …

gormley_1534677i

And yes, I’m crapping you negative … the display, entitled, “Amazonian Field”, is comprised of nothing more than hundreds upon hundreds of retarded looking clay figures that fill a more-than-modest sized room.

Ya know, I could sum up this whole matter of Global Warming AND modern “art” with the following masterpiece:

bullshit_pile

(yes, that IS a massive pile of cow patties … or, in the common vernacular, a GIANT PILE OF BULL SHIT!)

And yes, I also realize that the terms “cow” and “bull” are not entirely interchangeable. This is doubly true when it comes to the matter of milking …

BUT ANYHOW …

. . .

I hope you’ve been enjoying the recent entries from Buck’s World’s newest resident alien, Nuthin. I’ve known our flack jacketed super-hero at a distance for … well, it’s been a few years now, I suppose … and, for whatever reason, it wasn’t until I made the break from MySpace that he and finally hit it off.

And yes, there’s a reason I mention him … in fact, I would like to think that I rarely blather without a purpose. In fact, one of my most over-used lines over the years when I’ve hosted various interactive type forums was, “The point here is to have a point.” My good friend Emma might remember that line being used when we hosted a show on the MPlayer network. People that were being moronic, or just being otherwise pointless, would hear parting words, “Hey, @$$hole, the point here is to HAVE A POINT!”

At which point the room moderator (aka: the acting Evil Overlord) would drop the gavel and terminate that person’s connection to our audio “chat room.”

Good times! … Good times, indeed.

But anyhow …

My buddy, Nuthin, in a moment of “ebrius prudentia” closed his last blog post with:

Epilepsy-Seize The Day

Which, yet again, caused me to drift back to days gone by.

Any of you remember the Little Caesars pizza joints?

little-caesars-logo

There was cute little cartoon dude in the Roman get-up that’d blurt out, “PIZZA! PIZZA!” at the end of the commercials?

Well … years ago, I was having one of my little “twitch moments” … a phenomenon that the Spousal Unit applies the euphemism “inner chill” when she has one … whilst watching that same commercial … and I was, at once, smitten with the idea for my OWN little chain of pizza and sandwich shops!

little-seizures-logo. . .

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut anyhow …

. . .

Since twitching and seizures seems to have become the theme du jour …

Have you heard about the performance artist / actress in the U.K. who willingly went off of her epilepsy meds a little under a month ago? Yeah, seriously … she’s grown rather appalled at the “rubber necking” mentality and the — as she refers to it — “voyeuristic nature” of people who Google or YouTube epileptic seizures.

Again, I am CRAPPIN’ YOU NEGATIVE!

Samantha-Fox-500x819-82kb-media-133-media-0107

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS …

Sorry, sorry … wrong picture. This is about epileptics, seizures and all of that other good, fun stuff … not camel toes and buxomality …

This part of the story is about Rita Marcalo …

epileptic_1526901c(wow, talk about going from one extreme to another …)

Here’s the deal … Rita Marcalo (said performance artist / dancer / actress) has stopped taking her epilepsy medication for the express purpose of a production she has loving titled … wait for it ..

WAIT FOR IT …

Involuntary Dances.

Yup, once again, I am crappin’ you negative!

She claims she is doing this to “raise awareness of the condition.”

She will use strobe lighting, fasting and raising her body temperature to try and bring about a seizure. People are invited to film her at the theatre in the U.K. where she will be … uh … “performing” these involuntary dances.

Miss Marcalo was quoted as saying:

“One of the reasons I am doing this is because epilepsy is an invisible disability. As an artist I am very interested in this idea of doing something in my art that is the opposite of what I do in my life. In my own life it is private but in art I make it public.

“If you Google or YouTube `epileptic seizures’ you come up with all kinds of mobile phone footage which has been filmed without the patients’ consent. Part of me doing this is to address the voyeurism. I am saying, I am choosing to let you do this.”

The audience, restricted to people over the age of 18, will be provided with sleeping bags and breakfast and — get this — will be woken by a siren the moment she suffers a seizure so they can record it on their mobile phones.

Oh, and did I mention that she this “performance art” is being funded by a $23,000 grant?

And I can’t get research funding to drink beer and burp my worm???

Wow …

. . .

And finally … in recognition the hard work that the modern day school system invests in blowing smoke into orifices where smoke simply does not belong … check out this little gem that was sent to the parents of students of a Bacalava, Ontario school’s the 7th grade science class:

Dear parent/Guardians,

The Grade 7 Science classes are nearing the completion for the unit Pure Substances and Mixtures. In this unit, students have been introduced to the Particle Theory of Matter, and to some of the terminology related to the field of chemistry. They have also been given the opportunity to explore, and conduct experiments related to the properties of solutions and mechanical mixtures.

At this time all students are encouraged to discuss with you the content and expectations of the culminating task along with how it will be assessed. This culminating task allows students to demonstrate the knowledge and skills that he/she has learned throughout the module. Although students are responsible to independently complete this task, we would very much appreciate your assistance for the experimenting component, as students require access to a kitchen and some ingredients to develop their own mixture.

Thank you in advance for your interest and co-operation.

Translation: The children were making cupcakes at home as their “science project.”

. . .

Which brings us right back to where we started: Brain Farts and bull shit …

. . .

Until next time, sports fans …

Wait: speaking of bull shit, I’d like you to SERIOUSLY reconsider all the shit we’ve been force fed about this so-called “man made climate change” … remember the crap about how HUMANS are somehow pushing polar bears to the brink of extinction? As it turns out, that too was total and complete bovine excrement as well. Most populations are growing … and those that aren’t are currently engaged in brutal acts of cannibalism!

Don’t believe me?

Well, in that case …

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!

POLAR-BEAR_1539105i

Die’Rections

2

Back when I had the time and inclination, my former website was somewhat … shall I say: organized … there were designated pages for serious stuff, pages for silly stuff (a whole hell of a lot of those, as you might imagine) , a page for the Electric Comedy Club, another for tributes for the dearly departed, yadda friggen yadda.

For now, though, all I really have here is this here old WordPress server / blog and it seems that I (once again) have two distinct groups of readers: 1) those that are here for “teh funnies” and, 2) those that are here for the serious stuff (or, at the very least, willing to trudge through just about anything along the way).

So … I got to thinking again … and yeah, the process itself was a bit taxing. Not painful, but definitely a little taxing …

But all the same: in the midst of all that thinking the thought occurred to me that it’s probably best if I separate my more serious rants and ramblings from the more patently inane stuff that I publish in the hopes of coaxing a smile, a chuckle, and maybe even a laugh from you, my poor, depraved reader.

So, forthwith, all of my more serious drivel … my more political rants and social commentaries, if you will … shall be posted elsewhere.

Should you be so inclined as to the location of said postings, they can be found at the blog now titled:

(un)COMMON SENSE” …

That’s http://politico.BucksWorld.net for those of you so inclined to copy & paste rather than click on a link.

That is all.

. . .

Teh Deepness and Vogon Poetry

18

Hello kiddies and cattle and welcome to another installment of, ” The Deepness that is Nuthinness “

This morning I surfed on over to the Jack Handy website for my daily dose of ingrown inspirational insight and intellectual intelligence where I stumbled upon this gem…

“When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street at first I felt sorry for him, but then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, well no wonder your a bum look at the dumb things you bought.”

“…that Jack handy…hes an ‘effin genius.”

-Nuthin

Man…thats deep. Which reminds me of another deeply philosophical question that has been plaugeing mankind for millions of years…

WhichCameFirst_Thumbnail

I think this settles it.

Its been getting colder here the last few days, highs in the low thirties, and the temperature in my office/old decrepit garage (long story) where my desk and headquarters is positioned strategically to be headquartered @ and headed-up also known as “AKA” “HQ”, hasn’t gotten much above 50 degrees.

AAAA

Which kinda makes my head numb. All damn day long. Yesterday (like you care) I wore insulated pants and 3 shirts and kept my jacket and hat on all morning long and by lunch all I could hear above the music (Tool) streaming from Pandora was the chattering of my teeth.

So when I took my HALF HOUR lunch (12:00 NOON to something near 1:30ish), I came back with an overly large electric heater to warm the place up a smidge. Which made playing Battlefield Hero’s all afternoon until we quit around 4:30, much more enjoyable than that mornings session spent playing Tiger Woods golf, and surfing the daily regemin of internet time wasting sites, i.e. funny news sites, bucksworld, monopoly city streets, bucksworld, boygeniusreport, weird news sites, bucksworld, ebay, busted tees…you get the idea.

workendsindeath

Much thanks to the people over at Busted Tees, without whose help I would have never been able to steal all their cool t-shirt designs, I am going to kinda randomly sprinkle a few of my favorites from that site here and there throughout…well, everywhere.

speaking of cold…

AbsoluteZero_Thumbnail

absolute zero…although I prefer to use the Kelvin scale, which is what all the threemommeters in my house are calibrated too.

So all this cold has got me hankerin’ a bit for the warmer climates… and all the beautiful sun-bunnies that go along with those places.

leather grama

isnt she fiiiiine!

I think the kids face says it all…and how about her bikini top…I have to say, I am impressed, a little pukey, but impressed nonetheless.

YesWithAFox_Thumbnail

I worried about the kid for awhile, worried he might have been traumatized by his grandmother during those shared lazy days spent whiling away the sunlit hours at the beach, but I found this picture of him all grow’d up and as yuou can tell from this pic he turned out juuuuust fine.

80's hair family

A well adjusted member of society raising a beautiful family.

I dont suppose I have much room to talk though, this is usually how I look by the end of the summer…minus the radiant shine of pure intellectual prowess emblazoned upon his visage of course.

tan hat

So the cold and snow here is reminding me that its that time of year where holiday shopping is beginning to  consume everything and I want you people to remember that there comes a time when we all need to just slow down and refocus on what really matters. We sometimes need to readjust our thinking, recalibrate what the media has convinced us to shift our priorities towards, and not forget that the true meaning of Christmas is Santa Claus. and presents. and mememe moremoremore. Lets focus people, I will be personally sending each of you my list and I want all of you to pick five things and mail them to me as soon as possible, the price limit is $200 (nothing below).

BigDeal_Thumbnail

While your out perusing the malls and bigboxstores of the world searching for everything on my list I want you all to remember to enjoy yourselves. Have a wondferful time hunting down gifts for me and dont forget…

TheMostWonderful_Thumbnail

truth be told all I really want for Christmas this year is this

buckyballs

yeah I know it, im a goofy computer nerd at heart, but these things are really effin cool. Dont believe me, go see for yourself, www.getbuckyballs.com, if that video doesnt make you want some of these then your more normal than I thought and you dont belong here. Leave immediately.

anywho…thats all for now, have a wonderful day, oh shit…I almost forgot, I have one more thing…

Buck has kindly inspired me to share some more of my poetry with you all, and I dont want to disappoint him so here goes!!!

Nuthin’s Vogon Poetry Corner

by Nuthin

Billy’s Itch

there once was a man from missouri
whose arms were both long and furry
Bills ass went a twitchin
so Bill got to itchin
and his aching soon turned to worry

for once was girl from Kentucky
and Billy thought he got lucky
but soon he would see
when it hurt to pee
that fuckin aint always so ducky

Bills arm was long as a snake
and the next time his junk got to ache
he’d reach down below
and knead his own dough
and avoid the Kentucky mistake

so now im done…

my final words of wisdom for today…

busted-epilepsyseizetheday

Thanks

Nuthin

-Semper Ebrius

Go to Top