Archive for March, 2010

Do you have any sense, sir?

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Any sense? Are you kidding me? Of course I sense! In fact, here’s my two …

Though my experience seemingly limited, and my opinions perhaps deemed irrelevant; I, Buck’s Evil Underling, hereby humbly accept the gracious invitation to try-out for one of the coveted positions as a resident”stunt blogger.”

So get ready beeches, I’m OFF:

I suppose I should begin with a “formal” introduction of myself.

I’m “A”. At least that’s what my friends call me.

It’s better than being called the name mother nature (that slut) gave me: Anonymous.

Last name “Hoell.”

Yeah, yeah. You’re funny.

You think I’ve never gotten any shit about my name being A. Hoell?!

I was the bastard child of some random whore who left me at heaven’s gate. Sister Prudence apparently thought it prudent to allow me to maintain such a shitty name, I assume, because of her bitterness toward her own wretched title.

But then again Nuns aren’t ALL bad, I ‘spose…

CLICK TO ENLARGE!(as usual — and this time let’s do it with enthusiasm — click to enlarge!)

A redeeming quality, indeed. BUT I digress…

Sorry, I get distracted ALOT.

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

But back to my name..

Come on … we’re talking about My NAME … and  THIS blog …

God, can ya just look away for just a second???

thank you

And I mean. It wouldn’t have been so bad! A. Hoell.. Har har.

But when I somehow managed to keep “Anonymous” as my first name yet end up with “Sylvan Siberius” as DOUBLE middle names, I knew that lady muuust have wanted to fuck with me.  (I think ma’ was screwing Father So-and-So and her jealousy thus caused her to hate me.)

Again all theories.

So I am Mr. A. … aka: A. Hoell … aka: A. S. S. Hoell (as my license says) … aka: Mr. Anonymous, what have you.

Just don’t call me “late for dinner”

See? If I start with that, ALL my shit’s gonna seem pure comedic genius in comparison! 😉

What else is there that you should know about me?

I’m a man.

A straight man.

A “gay” joke may slip here and there. I don’t judge, nor do I hate. I just don’t understand…

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

I’m sorry. But don’t tell me I don’t know what a gay man feels like, I just forced out a power-poop that was ENTIRELY larger than I had previously anticipated… I now know.

I am, as you will all soon discover, a man of many passions. Like Buck himself, I am full of political ramblings, philosophical ditherings, and an endless flow of good ‘ol, home-baked vowel movements.

What else?

Sports.

I love sports!

I love basketball. Football. Whatever.

now that’s what I call a “soccer mom”!

Yes, sports give me that funny feeling in my tummy…

.

March Madness is in full swing…

My bracket’s already been raped up the a**, along with my chances at $500, but it’s fun to watch nonetheless! :-)

But more on THAT later.

As I still consider myself a young man, it is an interesting time to look at politics and see what my future has to hold.

And as a child of youth, I have an interesting perspective on the direction this country is being thrusted into by our beloved leadership.

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

I joke…

Kinda.

But don’t think me an irrational thinker. I’m merely a passionate expressionist.

I’ll make an extra effort not to be aesthetically pleasing you while screwing/ defacing you and your opinions in too rough a fashion..

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

But there is so much news to cover that it would take WAY too much of this blog, your attention spans, and my sanity to POSSIBLY go into it all, but there is just one but I thought was relevant…

I KNOW, I know. I’m too rough. I don’t give enough credit to all the “hard work” our elected officials put into their jobs..

I just don’t buy into the messiah complex of the “chosen one” we voted into office…

CLICK TO ENLARGE

Shooting stars will soon fall to earth. And he’ll land as a lame duck.

November’s coming, as is a revolution of sorts.

As a forewarning, I am equally as passionate and opinionated as Buck, so be ready for it!

So there is an infinite more to know about me, but that will have to do for now..

I believe my invitation to try out for a position as a Buck’s World stunt blogging extraordinaire because of our common love of …

BACON!!

Anyways, not only does March bring us March madness, it also ushers in the first official day of spring, which brings me back to MY thoughts of the day … in fact, the first of my two “sense”:

Legs are back!!

In case any of you live significantly South of the Mason-Dixon, there is a God-forsaken part of the year (traditionally referred to as “winter”) in which all legs, side breasts, shoulders, backs, and general eye candy are packed away or covered like some camel-F***ing, burka-wearing society in the Middle-East.

It’s a truly tragic part of the year.

But, praise Jesus, they’ve returned!!

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

Ah, and what a welcome return it is!!

There’s nothing QUITE like walking along on the first nice day of the year and seeing a perfectly shaped thigh for the first time.. It’s, it’s… downright special. Like being a 12yr old horn dog again! No being sly or tactful about it; When you see your first hot, young pair of legs in a given year, the eyes will be glued to such legs for at least, but not limited to, 7.65 seconds.

Or else you’re gay.

And believe me, we know who you are, “Mr. I’m_Stuck_in_the_Closet_but_Don’t_want_to_make_my_Guy_Friends_Uncomfortable”

We know.

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

(I think that last pic was worth clicking on, if you haven’t done so already)

And my second cent…

Last Christmas, I was sitting in front of yet ANOTHER shitty ABC Family “Christmas” film. Pondering how they continued to make these, and how they continued to make any money or attain a viewing audience at ALL…

The video quality has stayed pretty much the same since 1988, the acting is atrocious –featuring nobody you’ve ever heard of… For a reason– and it seems that the true purpose is to give you a cheap thrill (in this case “Christmas charm”) then put you to sleep.

That’s when it struck me:

Not 24 hours before, I had turned on an “After-dark” Cinemax special. Much like… No, identical to the Christmas special I was watching; the images of the cheesy, barely definable porn crossed the television screen.

You know what I mean…

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

Yeah, there.

Everyone’s first experience with the true beauty of “Premium movie channels.”

It’s there I discovered the vast conspiracy: Porno directors and Christmas special makers are the same people.

The similarities are undeniable. The truth, now exposed. At the youngest of ages, the same pornographers not economically able to purchase new cameras or screenplay producers create a societal norm of shitty filmmaking through ABC Family’s and Hallmark’s “Christmas Specials.”

Brilliance.

Well as a stunt man of blogging, I now find myself at the terminal end of  my inaugural blog.

Leave comments and I’ll try my VERY best to answer and reply as honestly as I possibly can manage..

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

Ah yes, honesty is a tricky virtue sometimes, is it not?

Have a great day!

Live free, Die young, Come again! (And again and again, if you’re of the female persuasion)

And courageously, I shall hopefully go forth into a new career of Stunt Blogging!

Pees, Little Faux Curse!!

I’m OUT

on writers block: the voices

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Welcome to my mind

(Empty though it may be…)



Nuthin: Well guys, its that time again, we need a couple thousand semi coherent words worth sharing…what’ya got?

Semper Salax: I vote sex.

Nuthin: **rolls eyes** Sal, you always vote sex

Semper Salax: and you always shut me down, why do you hate me

Nuthin: Come on, we’re running a family show here…lets dont bring it down to that level. Does anyone have an idea other than sex?

1

Semper Manic: I like wolf t-shirts

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1

Semper Salax: Show of hands, who likes sex

1

**all raise hands**

1

1

Semper Salax: See!?! Now tell me why we cant do sex?

Nuthin: Padre, didnt you have some funny stories about our kids you were gonna include in our next blog?

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Semper Padre: Yeah…no. They seem really funny at the time but when you think about it later, its mostly those “you had to be there” kind of stories.

1

1

Nuthin: Nothing?

Semper Padre: Well there was this one about our nephew…

Nuthin: OK, shoot

Semper Padre: Well, he was getting his diaper changed the other day and he farted. It surprised him and his eyes got real big and he asked ” Is that the choo choo?”.

Nuthin: Yeah. That was cute…but I dont think anyone cares, other than his parents and maybe you. Lets forget about that one.

Semper Padre: I told ya.

1

Semper Salax: Ya gotta have sex to make nephews…so I vote sex.

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1

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Semper Ebrius: So if you have sex with your sister-in-law, would the offspring be nephews and nieces? or sons and daughters?

1

1

Semper Salax: It depends on if she is good looking or not.

1

Nuthin: How does that…nevermind. We are not going to blog about sex, end of discussion. Besides all of our sister-in-laws are currently MARRIED…and to our brothers no less, so lets not even go there.

1

Semper Salax: Not to mention that they are all ugly as hell, how could we have let our brothers pick such awful wives?

Nuthin: We could do a blog on interesting quotes?

1

Semper Fatalis: Please dont make me want to kill you.

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1

Nuthin: Where is that quote from?

Semper Fatalis: No. I meant it literally.

Nuthin: Oh. Hostility much Fatalis?

Semper Fatalis: Fuck you Nuthin, you suck.

Nuthin: Moving on…

Semper Salax: How about weird sexual fetishes.

1

Nuthin: NO

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1

Semper Salax: Like that one where they do that thing with feet and toes…

Nuthin: **shudder** The last thing in the world I want is anyones tongue on my toes.

Semper Salax: No, that OTHER thing…with the…

Nuthin: Absofuckinghellno

Semper Salax: What’sa matter Nuthin, you suffering from testicular shrinkage or something? you got no balls to write about sex?

Nuthin: If I am, then you are too you moron.

1

Semper Vogon: How about poetry?

1

1

All: NO

Nuthin: You write perhaps verifiably the worst poetry in the northern hemisphere.

Semper Vogon: I thought everyone liked my poetry?

Nuthin: No one REALLY likes any poetry at all, much less that senseless garbage that you pass off as clever wit

1

Semper Salax: Yeah, your shit dont even rhyme.

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1

Semper Vogon: Poetry doesnt have to rhyme dumb-ass… I dont know why I even waste my time talking to you Sal.

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Semper Manic: Woody Woodpecker is red

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1

Nuthin: We are getting no where fast here people, come on, any good ideas?

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Semper Fatalis: I want to kill all of you.

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Semper Vogon: What else is new Fatalis, you always want to kill everyone.

Semper Fatalis: Can I start with that faggot Vogon?

Nuthin: No one is killing anyone in here, besides, I dont think you quite understand exactly what that would do…

1

Semper Ebrius: Guinness is delicious, and didnt we just have St. Patty’s Day or something? Why cant we do a green irish blog?

1

Nuthin: We are not Irish. Hell, we didnt even know it was St. Patrick’s day until the day after, we basically missed it.

Semper Ebrius: Irish I were dfrunk

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Semper Salax: How about a blog about a Rule 34 on Palin? I wanna get some of that action…

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1

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Nuthin: You need to spend less time on 4chan Sal, there are no real nudes of Sarah Palin.

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1

Semper Salax: Well there should be.

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Semper Manic: I like woodpeckers.

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Nuthin: I’m very happy for you Manic.

Semper Manic: You know, those big ones, those articulated woodpeckers

Nuthin: did you say articulated

Semper Manic: I meant articulate

Nuthin: huh

Semper Manic: no I mean reticulated

Nuthin: wtf are you talking about

Nuthin: do you mean piliated woodpeckers?

Semper Manic: ……

Nuthin: Can you hear me?

Semper Manic: What?

Nuthin: nevermind

Semper Manic: Yes.

Nuthin: Moving on…

1

Semper Fatalis: Can we at least kill something before this blog is over?

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Semper Vogon: I watched the cat eat a mouse this morning, it was kinda gross.

Semper Fatalis: How about you let me feed the cat to Titus

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Nuthin: I dont think our children would enjoy watching THEIR cat eaten by OUR Bulldog.

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Semper Fatalis: No one said we would let them watch, you sicko.

Nuthin: How we gonna hide that smart ass?

Semper Fatalis: We could do it on our lunch hour while they are at school.

Nuthin: And who gets to explain how….you know what, nevermind…Let me be very clear about this, WE ARE NOT FEEDING THE CAT TO TITUS. PERIOD.

1

Semper Salax: Hey, theres a fetish for ya. Period.

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ALL: NO!!

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Semper Padre: We could do a blog on family vacations?

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Nuthin: How exciting….

Semper Ebrius: Best drunken pranks, like that time we crashed that car and lied to the italian police and stole a bicycle.

Nuthin: How was that a prank? and I dont even remember most of that story. Bicycle? what bicycle?

Semper Ebrius: How about that time we puked our guts out just before midnight on new years eve, and when we came back in the building the countdown was at 5…4…3 and then this complete stranger sasquatch of a hefty young lass got a nasty surprise when she stuck her tongue down our throat for a new years kiss.

Nuthin: well there you go, what a good story. Now add about a thousand or so more words, a happy ending, and an ACTUAL POINT and you have a great blog.

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Semper Salax: I like happy endings!

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Semper Fatalis: How about that time where I bounced this guys head off the bowl of a toilet a few times, then squeezed so hard choking him that I shit my own pants.

Nuthin: That wasnt even us, that was our cousin Joe, we were there, but thankfully no one saw us bounce our guys head off the stone fireplace across from the bar, so the cops only arrested Joe, we drove home mildly impaired.

Semper Manic: I like Milk, like from a cow though, not from a hamster or anything weird like that.

1

Semper Vogon: Roses are red, Violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

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Nuthin: The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty, and so is your head.

Nuthin: You know what, I’m done trying to coax more than two sentences outta you worthless fucks. I quit. You each write your own blog and submit it directly to Buck himself, I aint signin off on shit. You wanna get all weird n shit, go right ahead. Knock yourselves out, I aint putting my name on none of it.

1

Semper Salax: So we got nuthin then.

Nuthin: basically, yes

Semper Salax: well then, lets go with that.

Nuthin: deal

Thanks for reading, and stay safe…its a dangerous werld out there!

-Nuthin

Semper ubi sub ubi

Facts are a difficult thing …

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Sorry for the long silence here on the blog … it’s been a pretty crazy month. Not sure where to start, or if I even should. Personal challenges abound, but there’s something I try to remind myself as often as possible:

Worse things have happened to better people …

Of course, when we’re in the dumps, it can sometimes be easy to be cynical about even the simplest of facts. But facts, they say, are a difficult thing.

Facts are difficult because they do not bend to our denial, they are not affected by our lies, they remain stalwart and seemingly silent, but that “silence” can become deafening.

When everything is said and done, there is always three sides to every story: Yours, Mine & The Truth.

Sadly, it is too easy to cling to the first thought that comes to mind. Surely, our ego assures us, we cannot be wrong. Ahhhh … the joy of arrogance and the heart-warming bliss of denial!

Truth can only be found by those who seek for her. Those who refuse to seek Truth will never find her, and in this self imposed ignorance we bring chaos and disorder into our lives as well as the lives of those around us. Before we know it, we are so lost and confused that we cannot even remember when or how we even lost our way. This is the path of denial, and it only leads to darker places.

Life changes and so do we; we either get “better” or we get “worse.”  In fact, the whole of our lives is a combination of both, but hopefully — in the bigger picture — we are at least directionally correct.

I visited with an old friend for the first time in a really long time yesterday. From the moment I shook his hand and gave him an embrace I could tell that things have changed for the better in that man’s soul. He has never seemed this much at peace. The time that we did get to spend together was good but entirely too short. I now wish I had asked more questions and spent more time listening.

It also left me looking at my own life …

Life changes and so do we … and in our living and changing there are certain that things that always remain.

Facts, they say, are a difficult thing.

History of Mankind, Part I

41

(this one has made the loop for quite a few years, but it’s a classic)

In the beginning …

Well, maybe not THE beginning, but when our ancestors finally came along they initially congregated as small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.  During the warmer months they lived in the mountains and plains, feasting on deer, fruits and the other goodly things that the land did provide. During the colder months they would move closer to the coast and dined on fish and lobster and the other wonderful bounty that the seas did provide.

As fate would have it, the two most important events in all of history came during these early days of lore; these were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. A not-so-minor anecdotal fact unknown to most is the fact that the wheel was invented to get man to the beer. All the same, these were the foundations of modern civilization and became the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct sub groups:

1. Liberals, and

2. Conservatives.

Beer, as everybody knows, requires grain, and lots of it. This, and not the cultivation of food stocks, is how agriculture came to be. In the same manner, since neither glass nor aluminum storage devices yet existed our early human ancestors stayed close to the brewery while waiting for them to be invented and thusly grew into what we now refer to as villages.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men — weaker and less skilled at hunting than their Conservative counterparts — learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s. In time, these lesser beings spent their days with tasks such as sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men actually evolved into women; the rest were simply known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), although most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard fare for liberals. Another interesting evolutionary side note is the fact that most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, fighter pilots, and generally anyone who works productively outside of the government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans which is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing, as is their habit.

This ends today’s lesson in world history …

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of its absolute truth that he/she will immediately send a link to this post to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

So … which one are you? Let your next action speak for you …

Rectum? Hell, I damned near killed ’em!

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Admin’s prologue …

As those who frequent this domain must surely know by now, I am not the only writer on this website. Sure, Buck’s World is my own little world, but I am not the only person here who is something other than a figment of my imagination. Unless you subscribe to the whole Fight Club idea, but anyhow …

Yeah, I’m the main writer on this site, but I am very fortunately have a bevvy of entertaining and talented “guest writers” whom I prefer to refer to as my “Stunt Bloggers.” Granted, the term originated with my buddy, “Nuthin”, as he was the first to join me under this new “dot net” banner (and as a nod to two of the greatest modern guitarists ever: Frank Zappa and his billet for Stunt Guitarist which was originally filled by the one and only Steve Vai … and yeah, I do think our friend Nuthin is a far more entertaining blogger than I am, but we’ll save that nonsense for another time)

Today’s tasty vowel movement is presented by my dear friend and fellow tuna fisherman, Jay Bizzle!

As you’ll quickly see, my play on words and veiled reference to potty humor was not unwarranted …

I hope you enjoy,
Buck

Jay Bizzle’s Disclaimer:

WARNING!!!! The following blog is TOTALLY GROSS!!!! Not like dead animals on the side of the road gross … or pics of open wounds gross. I’m talking stinky poop gross.

Okay, I warned you; now on with the show!

Jay Bizzel here with another attempt to get one little smile out of you; wish me luck.

I happened to be sitting on the John the other day and got to thinking, “Hey, where is the comedy here?

I mean, after all, I love a good giggle at any time so why not on the can?

Enough hardcore thinking about the state of the union, let’s have some fun!

SOOOOO!!!!

I thought it would be a good idea to “look” at the artistic side of Poops!

For instance, everyone has heard of the “Hershey Squirts”, or the “Bite Sized Mounds”, right?

Well, I’ve come up with a few more poop art forms that I want you to try at home.

Now realize that some of the poops I’m about to explain are not easy to perform and definitely not for the timid, so don’t go jumping to the difficult ones without professional training.

But first, a little background info is in order:

The anus is an opening at the opposite end of an animal’s digestive tract from the mouth. Its function is to control the expulsion of feces, unwanted semi-solid matter produced during digestion, which, depending on the type of animal, may be one or more of: matter which the animal cannot digest, such as bones; food material after all the nutrients have been extracted, for example cellulose or lignin; ingested matter which would be toxic if it remained in the digestive tract; and dead or excess gut bacteria and other endosymbionts.

The anus is also known as the:

  • Wrinkle Star

  • Butt Hole

  • Bung Hole

  • Poop Hole (was gonna put a pic of one here but that’s over the top)

  • Turd Cutter

  • Poop Chute

  • Devil’s Onion Ring

READY????? Off we go!!!!!!

Attempt to form the following POOPS!

1. The Cobra:

All curled up and ready to strike. Extra credit if you get the hood to flare!

2. The Coffee Pot:

No!!! NOT butt coffee. The poops MUST look like wet coffee grounds.

3. The Caterpillar:

YES it must be fuzzy! Extra credit for color variations.


Now it gets tough. Please do not try this at home. I am a professional. Just ask Mz. Bizzel, she hates it when I yell “HEY HONEY, COME LOOK AT THIS ONE!!!”

4. The Dollar Bill:

Shaped like a pyramid (wait for it) with an eye at the top winking at you!

5. The Play Doh Fun Factory:

Can you do the different shapes? Extra credit if you can change shape mid-poop!

6. The Pole Vault:

Straight and ridged so much so it lifts you off the john and you teeter forward. Please don’t hit your head on the towel rack!

Come on guys, you know I won’t let ya down … …

now THAT’s a pole vaulter!

7: The David Copperfield:

Okay to do this poop, make those layered biscuits, separate the layers, dip each layer into food coloring, each layer must have a different color. Stack the layers back and note the sequence of colors. Eat the biscuit. When done, rid yourself of said biscuit BUT have the colors reversed.

Not easy but oh soooooo cute!!

Looks like he’s really poopin here, huh?

8: The Rifle Bore:

It’s gotta have grooves the length of said poops and it must swirl the length of said poops. Extra credit if you can have it switch from clockwise to counter clockwise half way down said poops.

9: The Payday: (my fav)

To do this you MUST swallow those peanuts whole!!



It never ends so PLEASE-PLEASE-PLEASE send me your ideas in the comments section. I need to try some new ones. Just so I can yell, “HONEY, COME CHECK THIS ONE OUT!!!”

Boy is Mz Bizzel gonna love it!!!

As always remember — especially now — I can make my finger stink!

Your servant … Jay Bizzel

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