History of Mankind, Part I
(this one has made the loop for quite a few years, but it’s a classic)
Well, maybe not THE beginning, but when our ancestors finally came along they initially congregated as small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. During the warmer months they lived in the mountains and plains, feasting on deer, fruits and the other goodly things that the land did provide. During the colder months they would move closer to the coast and dined on fish and lobster and the other wonderful bounty that the seas did provide.
As fate would have it, the two most important events in all of history came during these early days of lore; these were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. A not-so-minor anecdotal fact unknown to most is the fact that the wheel was invented to get man to the beer. All the same, these were the foundations of modern civilization and became the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct sub groups:
1. Liberals, and
Beer, as everybody knows, requires grain, and lots of it. This, and not the cultivation of food stocks, is how agriculture came to be. In the same manner, since neither glass nor aluminum storage devices yet existed our early human ancestors stayed close to the brewery while waiting for them to be invented and thusly grew into what we now refer to as villages.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men — weaker and less skilled at hunting than their Conservative counterparts — learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s. In time, these lesser beings spent their days with tasks such as sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men actually evolved into women; the rest were simply known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), although most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard fare for liberals. Another interesting evolutionary side note is the fact that most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, fighter pilots, and generally anyone who works productively outside of the government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans which is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing, as is their habit.
This ends today’s lesson in world history …
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of its absolute truth that he/she will immediately send a link to this post to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.
So … which one are you? Let your next action speak for you …