Merry Christmas and other nonsense…
My fiend Buck and I were chatting the other day and he reminded me to something I had forgotten about. Middle school humor. I love pointless humor. Its so fulfilling and nonsensical and well…pointless that its charming in its own way.
I have a child currently in the throws of middle school and so I decided that maybe ol` dad needed to re-edumicate himself to the glory that is absurdity for absurdities sake.
In my studies I was reminded of an old standby and it seems that I had forgotten it almost entirely. So I present to you my re-introduction and interpretation of said gem.
M R DUCKS (apparently one small verbally challenged child is pointing out to another small verbally challenged child the presence of waterfowl)
M R KNOT (I think here is where the disagreement begins, one child does not believe the others observation and is almost assuredly nearly blind as well)
O S A R (the first child is adamant about said waterfowl)
C M WANGS (to prove his point the first child makes the second child aware of the presence of the waterfowls ability to fly)
L I B (the second child is astonished and stands corrected)
M R DUCKS (finally after much arguing and deliberation the second child affirms that indeed those are waterfowl, although I have my doubts as to his ability to function normally with his vision problem)
Here is another example of a conversation between two small verbally, and I think possibly mentally, challenged children, this time with literal interpretation.
M R MICE (Them are mice)
M R KNOT (Them are not)
O S A R (Oh yes they are)
C M E D B D FEET (See them itty bitty feet)
Y I B (Why I’ll be)
Some other examples I have come across, which I will not interpret for obvious reasons:
M R NAKES
M R NOT
O S A R
C M E D B D EYES
L I B
M R NAKES
M R PUPPIES
M R NOT
O S A R
C M P N (although im not sure why the act of bladder evacuation assures that they are indeed puppies, last I checked most mammals do this)
L I B
M R PUPPIES
And my favorite two for last:
M R FARMERS
M R NOT
O S A R
C M M T POCKETS
L I B
M R FARMERS
M R Edumakashun Majers
M R Knot
O S A R, C M M T Pockets?
L I B
M R Edumakashun Majers
Some of these have wonderful names and titles like:
Official LSU admittance test
12th Grade Reading Test
State of Arkansas
(Passage of this Test Mandatory for Diploma)
So in conclusion middle school humor can be very enlightening, even entertaining, in its own special little way.
On to other things…
I am about to rant so if you would like to skip this in lieu of more cheerful fodder, please feel free to look for the “Rant begins/ends here:” indicators and pick up nearer the bottom.
Rant begins here:
Well ladies and germs, its that time of year again where we get to bastardize one of the most bestest holidays in the land, yes kiddies I am speaking of the tragedy that has become Christmas. Now don’t get me wrong, I heart Christmas, but I hate to see what it has become. I cant complain too much because I am part of the problem. I don’t enjoy the commercialized capitalistic money-whoring cess pool of advertising and greed that we have twisted Christmas into, but facing facts, I’m helping feed this monster just like the rest of us. Problem is that despite my feelings on the subject, I cant just give up on what has become closer to the rule rather than the exception, especially in our country. If I had my way I would choose to do things different, but it effects more than just me. It means that my kids would be disappointed, my brothers, their wives, nieces and nephews, in-laws, my parents, everyone I am close to would get nothing or very little from me, and the reality is that I like seeing their smiling faces. I enjoy giving, which is why its so easy to fall into this money-pit of excessive spending and outrageous expectations. My in-laws are spending between 500 and 600 PER GRANDCHILD. I find that simply amazing. They have 6 grandchildren, that’s 3000 to 3600 for all you math wizards out there. They are self-employed and ride the verge between the national standards for bottom middle class and poverty. My Significent Other (Best Friend) gets sick to her stomach when she thinks about it, this year she even confronted her mother about it. She wanted to make it plain to her mother that her grandchildren would love her no matter what they got for Christmas, her response, “ …but they will love me more if I spend more.”
Wtf is that?
What kind of message is that sending our children? Maybe they are too young, or oblivious to get it? Maybe they don’t care, well for sure they don’t care, look at what they are getting. Maybe even if they knew they wouldn’t care? Maybe no one cares? I know I do. Maybe you don’t care? (Its ok, you don’t have to share my ideals, I still like you. Well most of you.)
We try to live modestly, but we still spend maybe 200 to 250 dollars per child for gifts, maybe this is high, but my feeling is that it likely is low. Some years we have spent more, some less. Most often it is whatever is within our means. Some years I have been layed-off. Some years my BF hasn’t had a job due to taking time off to raise our family. Things happen and some years are lean and some fat. (currently I am fat, while my wallet is lean, but that’s a different subject alltogether)
As I understand it, the point is to have a point, so here is mine:
Giving is good, so maybe we shouldn’t give up on Christmas entirely. Excessiveness is bad, even excessive giving, when it leads to setting a poor example, or stretching oneself beyond ones means (going ridiculously in to debt to give what is not needed). The point is, without getting all religious on your asses, is to remember the reason behind the gift that is Christmas.
Ok, enough of a rant for me.
Rant ends here:
Here is a little collection of Christmas words, sayings and phrases I have been accumulating this season to share with you good folks. Enjoy! …and much thanks to Urban Dictionaries’ word of the day emails.
December 19: Cashmas
The primary holiday celebrated in capitalist cultures. Generally observed around the winter solstice, Cashmas is a celebration of materialism in which its celebrants attempt to flatter or impress relatives, friends, and acquaintances with the extent of their purchasing power. (The “power to get”.) Cashmas co-opts signs, symbols, and sympathies from other religious holidays of the winter season to mask its foundation of conspicuous consumption. In the United States, where the holiday is most actively observed, Cashmas traditionally begins on “Black Friday”, that is, the day following Thanksgiving Thursday in November. Holiday observations traditionally end on January 2nd, but may arguably be said to extend through “Super Bowl Sunday” of professional American football. This event can occur as late as the month of February.
Jodi spent 14 hours at the mall in celebration of Cashmas.
December 20: Christmasochist
Someone who continues to subject themselves to Christmas activities — Secret Santa, carolling, etc. — despite feeling painfully awkward at the event.
Ryan’s uncomfortable laughter at the Secret Santa Pot Luck indicated he was an Christmasochist.
December 21: Gift Parasite
A person who adds their name to a gift tag in order to claim partial credit for giving the gift.
I’m totally broke so I had to be a gift parasite and sign on that present you’re giving Grandma.
December 22: santaclaustrophobia
fear of too many santa clauses
He felt a bout of santaclaustrophobia coming upon him as the holiday season approached.
December 23: Christmas Eve Eve
The day before Christmas Eve, 2 days before Christmas.
Stay away from the malls on Christmas Eve Eve.
Today is Christmas Eve Eve.
December 24: gift crack
The gap in wrapping paper or uncovered portion of a gift usually found on the bottom of the box. May result from the gift wrapper running out of paper or cutting gift wrap too small to cover the entire package.
Bryan figured out what his present was because the gift crack exposed the picture on the box.
…and my fav
The Ultimate Winter Fusion Holiday
It’s Christmas Hanukkah and Kwanzaa all rolled into one
This Holiday is useful for a family of many different religions (I can’t imagine why but this is a good contingency plan for those of you not married, engaged, or met your significant other yet) It lasts 16 days, One for Christmas, Eight for Hanukkah, and Six for Kwanzaa
“I hope I get that book I wanted for Christmas, what did you ask for?”
“I exactly celebrate Christmas, I celebrate ChristmaHanuKwanzaakah. It’s 16 days long!”
Or this version…
Encompasses Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, and Ramadon all in one big merry holiday. An alternative to the ever-popular Festivus for the Rest of Us from Seinfeld.
“Merry Christmahannukwanzaadon and a happy new year!” said Santa Claus.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!
Semper Ubi Sub Ubi