Posts tagged frog
Whoa! So, yesterday I post that goofy blog. I mean, I’d been looking for one of those moments when I could squeeze in a little something over-the-top and actually have an excuse to have gotten away with it. Let’s face it, some things are best just left alone.
But we can’t can have that …
All the same, I waltz into the pub anxious to play some Friday afternoon Golden Tee and I’m all like a pro football player with a few of my friends about what I was convinced was a marginal home run of a blog …
I didn’t want to risk using an image of an actual professional football player out of fear that the owning corporation might jump on the opportunity to sue me for using a copyrighted image of the “#FL” … I mean, Bob forbid we actually believe that anybody apart from that great and all-knowing body could have otherwise come up with something like the fleur de lis or the phrase “Who Dat?” ???
Seriously … what is this world coming to?
But anyhow … I am starting to believe that Jay (of the clan Bizzle) and the other goodly town folk who have suggested I find and/or create a warning sign of some sort might have a point.
Seems yesterday’s mental equivalent of pinching the proverbial loaf didn’t go over perfectly well.
DISCLAIMER! The following blog and commentary is not about you! Now, yes … a couple of the things that I mention are about “NOPE!!! ” … and in two places I do take a playful stab at “NotaChance” … actually, make that three times.
But everybody else … this is NOT about you!!!!
Repeat after me:
. . .
. . .
. . .
I did advertise it as, “not for the faint of heart” for the Facebook crowd … did I not?
Sports fans, work with me here for a moment …
This blog is all about the satire
(granted, poorly executed)
a feckless exercise in sarcasm …
quasi-wit and shamelessly self promoting banter …
(actually, I think feckless was probably enough all by itself)
. . .
Ya know what? This whole thing of even mentioning why I feel the need to write a disclaimer is going to get inherently complicated. Once again, this not about you …
it’s all about Buck!
(well, yeah, and there are more than a couple references to “NoWayOk?“)
You see, sarcasm and wit go hand in hand.
Of course, there are th0se who have opined that wit is nothing more than educated insolence. I believe that one started with Aristotle, but who knows, he may have clept that one too?
And I know I shouldn’t be patting myself on the shoulder so enthusiastically either. I’m not a master of wit nor sarcasm as much as I am a predatory opportunist.
Oh man, that’s really a bad choice of words.
I am not a predator!
I used to be a Predator, with a capital ‘P’ … and I must say that for all of our faults as a paintball team, the Predators DID have some major league fun! I do look forward to some day hooking back up with J.C., Muzzi or any of those guys from back in the day!
In our own minds, we were pimps, we were ninjas … we were special Olympians … Yeah, baby … we were
But anyhow …
I’m an opportunist, plain and simple. Just ask anybody that spends too much time around me: Jay Bizzle, Possum, Billy, even the She Beast can tell you: my only gift is in overstating the painfully obvious in the most intellectually obscure, almost intelligent sounding, multi-syllabic manner possible.
In fact, my own bride can be frequently heard uttering the words: “Thank you, Captain Obvious!”
J’yup … that’s me!
And it’s high time we finally get back to our regularly scheduled disclaimer …
Where were we anyhow?
Ah, yes … sarcasm.
Yeah, did you read about this? There is a firm here in states who, after centuries of men and women of wit confounding the comparatively simple-minded, have — in true “Property of the NFL” fashion — come up with a symbol and have obtained a registered trademark for it.
Yeah, ther’s now a “Sarc-Mark” (r) …
Are you believing this?
Sadly, such has been proposed numerous times over the years … anything from upside question marks and exclamation points and more. I find it disturbing that we even have to consider as much, but hey … that’s the world we live it, right?
I mean, do we really need someone to point out that something like the following is purely an exercise in sarcasm?
Now that I think about it, maybe in this case it does …
Or how about this …
Do we really have to couch something like that with a sarcasm disclaimer?
But I digress …
So, in closing, all I want to say is this …
None of this is about YOU …
Come on, sports fans …
Say it with me:
We’ll have to save the disclaimer thing for another time! B-)
Well, here we are on the cusp of another one of those, “Out with the old, in with the new” end of the year moments. Like many other people, I’m looking forward to having a new set of digits slapped up on the calendar.
Seriously! I started this year (2009) all charged up and ready for the wonders that it may bring, and then …
Although … just amongst my own circle of friends there are those who have lost a LOT more than I did this year …
Sure, in the midst of the great memories I made with my sons and certain others of my friends and family members, there’s a lot about 2009 that I shan’t fondly look back upon. Losing my entire Koi population and the meltdown of the waterfall, as two examples, were only the beginning of my sorrows. And sure, there were bigger losses that really chap my ass for reasons that would do none of us any good for me to elaborate upon.
So … we should probably just be moving along then, shouldn’t we?
In the grand scheme of things, there are VERY few of us that cannot echo the sentiment, “Worse things have happened to better people.”
Feel free to tuck that one away in your heart; it may come in quite handy some day.
* * *
Made your new year resolutions yet?
Want my opinion on the matter?
Of course you do … that’s why you’re here!
My opinion would be to NOT make any New Years resolutions.
Face it, it’s a stupid tradition developed to help stupid people cope with their innate disinclination to change.
Those that can’t merely wish … the rest of us simply DO. Sure, plans are good … VERY good, in fact. But arbitrary “resolutions” made because it’s expected of one to do so? Might as well stand in the middle of a busy mall scratching your crotch with one hand while trying to lick the elbow of your other arm … all while humming the theme music from Patton as loudly as possible.
Hold on … that’d actually be pretty damned funny!
Buuuuut … if you’re so inclined to be weak-minded and feel obligated to make your resolution(s), just know that others WILL laugh at your failure. Sorry, but that’s part of life. Live with it and move on already.
* * *
So, what can be said about 2009 that you’re not going to be otherwise inundated with by other sources? I mean, EVERYBODY in the media is going to surely have their wagging tongue moments where they blather on about the monumentally historic nature of America electing her first partially non-Caucasian president.
Of course, these same charmed, deluded news anchors will never look back later in life and realize that Obama was pretty much the equivalent of having ordered an expensive new blow-up “bride.”
It might be a little exciting at first, but when all is said and done, it’s nothing more than an empty shell that’s going to leave one severely chaffed.
Did I say CHAFFED?!?!?!?!
That’s way too soft a word … nossir, what this administration is going to leave us with is going to be a bit more intense than a mere burning sensation …
Speaking of which (the blow-up doll part, that is), did any of you ever catch any episodes of HBO’s WAY-TOO-SHORT-LIVED show, “Hard Core TV” (HCTV) ???
In a tip of the hat to Saturday Night Live, HBO put together a group of writers who, in my estimation, knocked the proverbial ball right out of the park.
There is, of course, a reason I mention this …
One particular skit was a parody of a Biography Channel style interview which featured a man who had forsaken women in lieu of blow up dolls. During the course of the interview, the man spent considerable time fawning over his one favorite blow up doll, whose name I cannot remember.
All the same, the interviewer wrapped up the segment by posing the following question, “It’s clear that this doll truly your favorite. Tell me, where do you see yourself with this relationship in … say … 10 years?”
The man pondered the matter a few moments and after a dramatic pause he finally offered his straight-faced answer of, “Well … happy … but chaffed.”
* * *
Never let it be said that 2009 was not an interesting year. Oh no, not by any stretch!
Soros and Rockefeller are probably a little pissed. Heck, the near-collapse of the financial markets that they engineered almost delivered the U.S. into their grubby, Marxist hands.
But I promised I’d avoid politics, dammit … sorry.
* * *
Let’s see, what is there to look back upon … IN A POSITIVE LIGHT … ???
Well, let’s just jump upon our trusted steed and travel back in time … (just one year, nothing big) …
* * *
Let’s see … we had at least a few new species of animals discovered this year. Amongst my favorite was this little gem …
* * *
While on the subject of fish, scientists in Asia have discovered what is being called a “human-faced” carp …
More of a dog’s face than a human’s face, but hey … it’s different!
* * *
Speaking of carp/koi … there were reports of an aquatic toad that was in heat and got a little confused about which species he was supposed to mate with …
According to reports, the toad literally screwed the fish to DEATH!
* * *
Speaking of sexually super-charged animals, I’d like you to meet Elvis, the insanely randy cock!
As it turns out, Elvis there had such an out of control libido that he finally had to be exiled from the hen-house. He LITERALLY screwed the hens to DEATH.
I have 2 questions …
1) Who snagged a sample of my DNA?
2) Was a rooster the most creative thing they could do with it?
(on a side note, does that woman’s grin strike you as at all … strange?)
Yeah, it sort of troubled me too … … …
And the rooster? Look at him! “I am the Sperminator … I’ll be back!”
* * *
Let’s see … we also saw a six legged cow …
BUUUUUUT … not as freaky as Two-Face the calf!
Makes me wonder if the same cretins who warped my DNA into a rooster have been having fun with Snow Cow’s DNA as well …
Even so, it would appear nothing of the sort is going to thwart the amazingly Mother Teresa-esque qualities of our mysterious friend who has been widely known to have a passion for feeding the poor …
* * *
But we’ll have to save talk of Snow Cow for another time … (not to mention the fact that Snow Cow is actually a bull, but things just get way too confusing way too quickly, so let’s just keep moving along, shall we?)
* * *
What else is there to look back and smile upon when we look at 2009?
* * *
The year of our Lord, 2009 — for all of its pomp and circumstance — was not a boring one for the inventors of the world either!
In Japan, we saw all manner of robots appearing at trade shows everywhere … to include the adult entertainment industry. Seeings how my younger two sons are like to swing by this blog, I have chosen to not publish pictures of such. Sadly, you’re just gonna have to take my word for it.
We DID see the introduction of gems such as …
Yeah, see-thru cement.
Now, why anybody ever conceived of a need for translucent concrete is absolutely beyond me, but in flash of true Hungarian ingenuity, some wild-eyed Magyar kinsman of mine decided the world needed such a thing.
I dunno, maybe it was simply a matter of an inventor who wound up with one of those “Butter Face” girlfriends.
* * *
Let’s see, what else did 2009 bring us in the way of inventions?
AH HA! I have one …
Ever heard of Kenji Kawakami, the founder and director of the International Chindogu Society?
In fact, I hadn’t heard of him either until a couple of years ago. Back then my blogs (and other assorted brain droppings) were being served up (spicy hot, of course) at MySpace.com, and in the midst of doing some research for a year-end blog I was lucky enough to have stumbled across this man and his “society.”
Of course, if you’re at all like me, you may be sitting there thinking, “Chindogu … what the ____ is that???”
Since you’re probably on the verge of opening another browser window and heading over to Wikipedia yourself, let’s just see what the wiki has to say about Chindogu
Chindōgu … is the Japanese art of inventing ingenious everyday gadgets that, on the face of it, seem like an ideal solution to a particular problem. However, chindōgu has a distinctive feature: anyone actually attempting to use one of these inventions would find that it causes so many new problems, or such significant social embarrassment, that effectively it has no utility whatsoever.
Let’s take a look at some of Mr. Kawakami’s latest masterpieces!
Are you as big of a wuss as I am when it comes to eye drops?
Imagine the lust that will consume your friends when they see THAT device!!!
. . . remember: a vital aspect of this fine Japanese “art” involves significant “social embarrassment” . . .
I will say, for all his strangeness, it seems that Mr. Kawakami and I have some similar problems in life. Not only do we both share an aversion to eye drops, it seems that both of us suffer from hayfever AND a compulsion to constantly hit the snooze button in the mornings …
The snooze button on the alarm clock? …
Altho … it does sort o make you wonder if that guy’s been spending a little too much time with Jenji Kohan, huh?
* * *
Now, while the inventor of the following piece is NOT a member of Mr. Kawakami’s illustrious society, he probably SHOULD be …
I forget the guy’s name, but here’s the skinny: he’s a full out geek computer programmer who lost his finger in a motorcycle accident last year. He has since designed (and actually wears) a prosthetic finger which is equipped with a — you probably guessed already — a fully functioning flash drive.
Not quite a “thumb” drive, but …
(sorry, that was really corny)
* * *
Again, not from the slippery mind of a practitioner of Chindogu, but from the mind of a Japanese inventor all the same, allow me to present to you the Bow’lingual Translator …
Yeah … it (allegedly) translates Fido’s barks, growls and other vocalizations. Those folks need to hook up with that whole Chindogu thing.
Ya know … if you play around with it a little bit, you could probably modify that thing to into a device that will translate the latest bullshit from the White House. We could call it the Bowel’ingual Translator!
* * *
Moving along …
One final invention of 2009 that TOTALLY grabbed my attention was the PediSedate!
Look at those eyes, will ya?!?!?!? LOOK AT ‘EM!
LOOOOOK AT ‘EM!
To say that this little girl is happy is an understatement of monumental proportions! Hell, “stoned” would be an understatement …
You see, the goofy, purple device upon her head is the coveted PediSedate.
And what, you may ask, is a “PediSedate”?
Well, it is the most brilliant brainchild of an AMERICAN inventor! Allow me to allow his P.R. people to introduce this … this … MOST ingenious device:
PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down from its resting place atop the head, PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide.
Yeah, you read that right … NITROUS OXIDE!
Dudes, come ON … a Whippet delivery system that integrates with your stereo?!?!?!
GET OUTA HERE!!!!!!!!!! That’s …
It’s actually a pediatric device to help get children a little looped up before minor procedures that don’t warrant full anesthesia.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever … you KNOW you want one of those for recreational use too!!!!
* * *
The Fashion Industry!
Yes, it was a BUSY year for the fashion industry too, sports fans.
The wonderful people at Swarovski brought us the Bling-kini …
Not bad, not bad …
The fashion industry also saw the introduction of … I don’t EVEN know what to call this, but it’s (allegedly) the latest fad in jeans …
Uh … yeah … winking jeans. [twitch] …
I don’t know about you, but if I want a butt winking back at me, there’s a lot of other … well … I dunno … I’ll just leave that alone for now.
In an effort to maintain some modicum of continuity, let’s stick with jeans for a moment, shall we?
Now … you know that when a man spies a female body that is to his particular liking, and the object of his eye’s affections happens to be wearing a perfectly fit pair of jeans, a question that often accompanies that brief moment in time is whether she’s the type of girl that wears a thong.
Well, once again, thanks to our friends in Japan, our women-folk no longer have to be overly coy …
Of course, those are really only cool when it’s a gal OTHER than your daughter wearing them.
You really don’t want me to “go there” with that subject. Let’s simply say that when it comes to raising girls, my parenting skills probably makes Ghengis Khan or hardline Islamic men pale in comparison.
Anyhow … since the Spousal Unit HAS been known to occasionally sneak through this place, I should probably refrain from any further discussion on this matter unless I want to risk something like THIS:
All the same, those jeans really are smokin’ hot!
* * *
THE FUTURE! What’s in store for 2010?
Let’s take a few minutes on our magic puppy ride and travel a little into the future, shall we?
The 2010 calendars showing up at the mall and local bookstores everywhere portend to a year of old-fashioned goodness and more!
Really, I meant that “seriously” part … here’s February:
. . .
But, if wholesome Mormon girls aren’t really your thing, 2010 is also ushering in an era of other interesting calendars …
J’yup, that’s a real image taken from a real calendar!
. . .
If zombies are a little too messy, how about coffins?
W … T … F … ????
* * *
Now THERE’s an “undertaker” for ya!!!!
* * *
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
How ’bout the Swiss Miss 2010 calendar!
There’s also the “Foxy Hunters 2010″ calendar!
* * *
* * *
Wow, looks like I’m running out of time …
Since Chumly is not likely to take time out of his busy schedule to blog here any time soon, allow me to pass along to you a joke that he passed along to me today …
OK, so you’re out hunting . . .
it’s the beginning of the rut, bucks and does are running around like they have no brain whatsoever,
you know your buddy is in the next blind over and you’re both hoping to get a deer on opening weekend,
all of a sudden you look out to your left and see this …
The question is …
under the new Fish, Game and Wildlife statewide regulations what are you supposed to do?
Do you shoot the one with the bigger rack . . . or the gay one?
* * *
* * *
Well, there’s a better than average possibility that this will be my last blog posting for 2009. Turns out that I’ll be turning over a few new leaves this next year … some of them not being entirely my own doing, but anyhow … since this is my final sign off for the year, I guess we can indulge one last moment of selfish indulgence …