Posts tagged sex

on writers block: the voices

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Welcome to my mind

(Empty though it may be…)



Nuthin: Well guys, its that time again, we need a couple thousand semi coherent words worth sharing…what’ya got?

Semper Salax: I vote sex.

Nuthin: **rolls eyes** Sal, you always vote sex

Semper Salax: and you always shut me down, why do you hate me

Nuthin: Come on, we’re running a family show here…lets dont bring it down to that level. Does anyone have an idea other than sex?

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Semper Manic: I like wolf t-shirts

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Semper Salax: Show of hands, who likes sex

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**all raise hands**

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Semper Salax: See!?! Now tell me why we cant do sex?

Nuthin: Padre, didnt you have some funny stories about our kids you were gonna include in our next blog?

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Semper Padre: Yeah…no. They seem really funny at the time but when you think about it later, its mostly those “you had to be there” kind of stories.

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Nuthin: Nothing?

Semper Padre: Well there was this one about our nephew…

Nuthin: OK, shoot

Semper Padre: Well, he was getting his diaper changed the other day and he farted. It surprised him and his eyes got real big and he asked ” Is that the choo choo?”.

Nuthin: Yeah. That was cute…but I dont think anyone cares, other than his parents and maybe you. Lets forget about that one.

Semper Padre: I told ya.

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Semper Salax: Ya gotta have sex to make nephews…so I vote sex.

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Semper Ebrius: So if you have sex with your sister-in-law, would the offspring be nephews and nieces? or sons and daughters?

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Semper Salax: It depends on if she is good looking or not.

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Nuthin: How does that…nevermind. We are not going to blog about sex, end of discussion. Besides all of our sister-in-laws are currently MARRIED…and to our brothers no less, so lets not even go there.

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Semper Salax: Not to mention that they are all ugly as hell, how could we have let our brothers pick such awful wives?

Nuthin: We could do a blog on interesting quotes?

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Semper Fatalis: Please dont make me want to kill you.

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Nuthin: Where is that quote from?

Semper Fatalis: No. I meant it literally.

Nuthin: Oh. Hostility much Fatalis?

Semper Fatalis: Fuck you Nuthin, you suck.

Nuthin: Moving on…

Semper Salax: How about weird sexual fetishes.

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Nuthin: NO

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Semper Salax: Like that one where they do that thing with feet and toes…

Nuthin: **shudder** The last thing in the world I want is anyones tongue on my toes.

Semper Salax: No, that OTHER thing…with the…

Nuthin: Absofuckinghellno

Semper Salax: What’sa matter Nuthin, you suffering from testicular shrinkage or something? you got no balls to write about sex?

Nuthin: If I am, then you are too you moron.

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Semper Vogon: How about poetry?

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All: NO

Nuthin: You write perhaps verifiably the worst poetry in the northern hemisphere.

Semper Vogon: I thought everyone liked my poetry?

Nuthin: No one REALLY likes any poetry at all, much less that senseless garbage that you pass off as clever wit

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Semper Salax: Yeah, your shit dont even rhyme.

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Semper Vogon: Poetry doesnt have to rhyme dumb-ass… I dont know why I even waste my time talking to you Sal.

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Semper Manic: Woody Woodpecker is red

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Nuthin: We are getting no where fast here people, come on, any good ideas?

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Semper Fatalis: I want to kill all of you.

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Semper Vogon: What else is new Fatalis, you always want to kill everyone.

Semper Fatalis: Can I start with that faggot Vogon?

Nuthin: No one is killing anyone in here, besides, I dont think you quite understand exactly what that would do…

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Semper Ebrius: Guinness is delicious, and didnt we just have St. Patty’s Day or something? Why cant we do a green irish blog?

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Nuthin: We are not Irish. Hell, we didnt even know it was St. Patrick’s day until the day after, we basically missed it.

Semper Ebrius: Irish I were dfrunk

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Semper Salax: How about a blog about a Rule 34 on Palin? I wanna get some of that action…

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Nuthin: You need to spend less time on 4chan Sal, there are no real nudes of Sarah Palin.

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Semper Salax: Well there should be.

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Semper Manic: I like woodpeckers.

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Nuthin: I’m very happy for you Manic.

Semper Manic: You know, those big ones, those articulated woodpeckers

Nuthin: did you say articulated

Semper Manic: I meant articulate

Nuthin: huh

Semper Manic: no I mean reticulated

Nuthin: wtf are you talking about

Nuthin: do you mean piliated woodpeckers?

Semper Manic: ……

Nuthin: Can you hear me?

Semper Manic: What?

Nuthin: nevermind

Semper Manic: Yes.

Nuthin: Moving on…

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Semper Fatalis: Can we at least kill something before this blog is over?

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Semper Vogon: I watched the cat eat a mouse this morning, it was kinda gross.

Semper Fatalis: How about you let me feed the cat to Titus

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Nuthin: I dont think our children would enjoy watching THEIR cat eaten by OUR Bulldog.

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Semper Fatalis: No one said we would let them watch, you sicko.

Nuthin: How we gonna hide that smart ass?

Semper Fatalis: We could do it on our lunch hour while they are at school.

Nuthin: And who gets to explain how….you know what, nevermind…Let me be very clear about this, WE ARE NOT FEEDING THE CAT TO TITUS. PERIOD.

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Semper Salax: Hey, theres a fetish for ya. Period.

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ALL: NO!!

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Semper Padre: We could do a blog on family vacations?

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Nuthin: How exciting….

Semper Ebrius: Best drunken pranks, like that time we crashed that car and lied to the italian police and stole a bicycle.

Nuthin: How was that a prank? and I dont even remember most of that story. Bicycle? what bicycle?

Semper Ebrius: How about that time we puked our guts out just before midnight on new years eve, and when we came back in the building the countdown was at 5…4…3 and then this complete stranger sasquatch of a hefty young lass got a nasty surprise when she stuck her tongue down our throat for a new years kiss.

Nuthin: well there you go, what a good story. Now add about a thousand or so more words, a happy ending, and an ACTUAL POINT and you have a great blog.

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Semper Salax: I like happy endings!

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Semper Fatalis: How about that time where I bounced this guys head off the bowl of a toilet a few times, then squeezed so hard choking him that I shit my own pants.

Nuthin: That wasnt even us, that was our cousin Joe, we were there, but thankfully no one saw us bounce our guys head off the stone fireplace across from the bar, so the cops only arrested Joe, we drove home mildly impaired.

Semper Manic: I like Milk, like from a cow though, not from a hamster or anything weird like that.

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Semper Vogon: Roses are red, Violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

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Nuthin: The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty, and so is your head.

Nuthin: You know what, I’m done trying to coax more than two sentences outta you worthless fucks. I quit. You each write your own blog and submit it directly to Buck himself, I aint signin off on shit. You wanna get all weird n shit, go right ahead. Knock yourselves out, I aint putting my name on none of it.

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Semper Salax: So we got nuthin then.

Nuthin: basically, yes

Semper Salax: well then, lets go with that.

Nuthin: deal

Thanks for reading, and stay safe…its a dangerous werld out there!

-Nuthin

Semper ubi sub ubi

Atmospheric Conditions …

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In case you haven’t noticed, the weather has been anything but fun of late.

I mean , holy hell, I awoke this morning to a local news channel on the television and they were talking about freezing temperatures yet again in central and southern Florida.

Seriously, freezing there is pretty much one step from the proverbial snowflake’s chances of landing in hell.

Now … rather than find cause to snicker at Al Gore because his global warming invention is clearly having a bout of pubescent rebellion, let’s sit down, pour ourselves a pint, take a deep breath and then take a big ol’ bite of a reality sandwich, shall we?

Yeah, I went there … a reality sandwich.

Ever had to take a bite of one of those?

Do you even know what the main ingredient is in a reality sandwich?

Apart from the bread, of course. I mean, you are aware that bread is actually NOT a food group? Yeah, it’s a condiment. In fact, to many it is seen as nothing more than a decoration, but we’ll save the culinary poop slinging for another time.

I’m here to talk about WHY the weather is so particularly brutal of late.

Surely you’ve had to have noticed that this is, already, one of the coldest winters in recent memory. Just here in sulky northern Virginia we’ve had sub-freezing daytime highs and HOWLING winds for over a week now.

Overnight temperatures in Florida are dropping so low that the local iguana population are literally falling out of the trees!

Imagine a group of little girls walking to school and having THAT fall on one of their heads!

Hahahahahaha … oh my, that’d be a hoot.

But anyhow … yeah, with Igunadids being cold blooded animals, the extreme low temperatures slow their metabolism so much that they lose all coordination and simply drop out of the trees like over-ripened coconuts!

And it’s not just the U.S. that is experiencing this extreme weather. Oh no, it’s a planetary phenomenon!

Floods in Brazil …

* * *

Freakish storm clouds in Uraguay!

* * *

Quasi-apocolyptic droughts in China …

Seriously … WHAT THE DEUCE?!?!?!

right?

* * *

So, what IS at the root of this insanely unexpected twist in atmospheric realities?

Well, I can tell ya what’s up …

Snow Cow is PISSED!

Yes, we gone and done it now, folks!

His ineffable name and his sacred image have been cast into a marketing ploy for a bunch of … [ugh], I’m not even gonna say it!!!!

Yeah, “ineffable” … his name’s really not snow cow … you know this, right? I mean, god is not God’s name either. It’s a euphemism … I have a problem with being reprimanded for “taking the lord’s name in vain” when I’ve said “god dammit!”

Go ahead, go look it up. Quite frankly, knowing specifically what the word means will help you get the smile you’re intended to get when I use phrases such as, “and let’s see if we cannot eff it after all!”

Ok, good, you’re back …

I’m not even going to give this ungrateful sub-human any recognition. I will simply state that Snow Cow is aware of what has happened and what you and I are witnessing today is the “ah hell” that is breaking loose as a result.

And now, a word from our sponsor …

I stumbled across an article this week that, shockingly, reported that men — on average — think about sex 13 times a day.

Yeah, 13 times a day – for a total of 4,745 times every year. Quite frankly, that seems a bit on the low side to me, but I’ve never really been one to pine on such details.

This particular study also went on to report that the average man actually reports having sex an average of twice a week, or 104 times a year.

Dogs must be able to read minds …

I mean, as soon as I paused to consider this unexpectedly impressive number … my dog, Sparky, shot me this crazy, raised eye-brow, “W T F” look that about made me cry from laughing so hard.

But were they really tears of laughter?

Wow, twice a week!

Really?

Sadly, I’ve been married more than once. Life’s strange that way sometimes, but thanks to the advent of relative morality and the wonders of a primarily hedonistic society, I am not alone in in this department and, therefore, feel almost as if I should feel at ease.

But anyhow … my point was that I have been on both sides of the marital divide in my adventures as rogue man-child and career prodigal. I’ve been counted amongst those who took the final step of purchasing the proverbial cow, and returned — a more experienced and jaded soul — back to the murky waters of the shamelessly unattached.

But then it occurred to me, one could take the pragmatic approach and average the number of conjugal encounters … but after enough time, twice a week still seems rather unrealistic. Granted, the Spousal Unit and I actually placed a quarter in a large jar every time we … uh … yeah … and on our first anniversary the quarter count was an impressive number. Very impressive, actually.

All the same, it occurred to me that the demographic might well be skewed towards the generation roughly half my four and one half decades.

Sparky, again reading my mind, cocked her head and shot me another one of those humorously confused looks.

So as to not awake the Spousal Unit, I whispered back, “Yeah, the younger one is, the less likely they are to score very often.”

Something foul was definitely afoot at the Circle K …

Of course, the participants in said survey very well may have been including the semi ineffable subject of the all too well known reality ofttimes referred to as being, “two partners shy of a threesome.”

The news article, towards its close, further went on to say, “Researchers also found one in three guys think a candlelit dinner is the best way of getting a woman in the mood, followed by a relaxing massage.”

Yeah, it was at this point that I knew for certain  … that twice a week number was definitely inclusive of handshakes with the little Governor!

* * *

But anyhow … what in the world were we talking about?!?!?!

Oh, yeah … Snow Cow. Sorry about that digression … I sometimes feel that I have this moral imperative from on high, some sense of responsibility to share with those I love the things I learn from the news and/or The Discovery Channel. That’s the reason I stopped to have that little word about the study showing that men think about sex almost 5,000 times a year.

Again, is it just me or does that number seem REALLY LOW???

What prompted that was another article that documented the published the results of a long term (over 16 years) study. The study showed that men who had sex at least twice a week cut their chance of heart disease IN HALF!

Did you catch that? Cut the chances of a heart attack in half!

Sex has long been regarded as good for physical and mental health. Until now there has been little scientific research into what benefits, if any, that frequent intercourse might have on major illnesses such as heart disease. Scientists at the New England Research Institute in Massachusetts, tracked the sexual activity of men aged between 40 and 70 who were taking part in a long-term project which began back in 1987.

So, there you have it. Men who have sex (with a partner, mind you) twice a week or more stand 45% less of a chance of suffering a heart attack than their less fortunate counterparts.

And what is the lesson to be gleaned from all of this?

Women are obviously out to kill us.

But I digress …

Wow, I’ve run out of time once again. Daggonit … I think it’s vital that I reveal the identity of Snow Cow. Our world is at risk and anarchy is right around the corner!

OH WAIT!!!!

Those of you that have been around my blogs for almost any length of time surely have picked up on my loathing of Green Peace. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE our planet, and I am a big believer that we have a morally bound duty to be good stewards of this beautiful home we’ve been given.

But anyhow …

Green Peace … nothing but a bunch of idiots and hippies (both of the aged and neo-wanna-be types) who are being led and funded by a bunch of communist subvertists …

Stay on point, Buck … stay on point!

Those minions of satan were recently donated a near priceless tri-maran to help them hunt down Japanese “research vessels” …

Seriously, that is just nuts, is it not???

That donation was in late 2009 … mere weeks ago, actually.

So, the folks at Green Peace, now feeling invincible with their aquatic Batmobile, storm off onto the high seas in search of … dun,dun,DUUNNNNNN … fishing vessels.

Of course, leave it to a Green Peacer to not even stop to consider the fact that when you try to intimidate a Japanese fishing vessel, it’s probably a pretty safe bet that the captain of said vessel is gonna be … wait for it … Japanese!

And you know where Japanese men come from, right?

Yeah, Japan … and what is Japan famous for?

Yeah … Ninjas.

And those aren’t even specially trained, card-carrying, registered weapons of death Ninjas, those are just a group of freaking Japanese FIREFIGHTERS!

Dude, if it comes from Japan it may as well have a sticker on it that reads:
(you’ll want to imagine the Intel logo for this one)

Ninja
Inside!

* * *

So, anyhow, yeah … some mental midget from Green Peace decides he’s going to take on a Japanese fishing vessel (again, obviously manned by a ninja) in a game of high seas chicken.

as one of the Spousal Unit’s best friends would say:

DUMBASS!

* * *

Well, hell … now I HAVE run out of time.

Make no doubt about it. Snow Cow is pissed and I dare say he ain’t done with his reign of terror.

I promise to talk more about Snow Cow and what we can do to quiet his angry soul.

He’s actually a rather kind soul, but he’s a jealous snow cow and does not like his likeness being used for something so unthinkable and lowly.

Until then, my dear reader …

PEACE OFF!

Rolling Over (again) …

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Well, here we are on the cusp of another one of those, “Out with the old, in with the new” end of the year moments. Like many other people, I’m looking forward to having a new set of digits slapped up on the calendar.

Seriously!  I started this year (2009) all charged up and ready for the wonders that it may bring, and then …

Yeah … surprised, disappointed, and heart-broken indeed …

Although … just amongst my own circle of friends there are those who have lost a LOT more than I did this year …

Sure, in the midst of the great memories I made with my sons and certain others of my friends and family members, there’s a lot about 2009 that I shan’t fondly look back upon.  Losing my entire Koi population and the meltdown of the waterfall, as two examples, were only the beginning of my sorrows. And sure, there were bigger losses that really chap my ass for reasons that would do none of us any good for me to elaborate upon.

So … we should probably just be moving along then, shouldn’t we?

In the grand scheme of things, there are VERY few of us that cannot echo the sentiment, “Worse things have happened to better people.

Feel free to tuck that one away in your heart; it may come in quite handy some day.

* * *

Made your new year resolutions yet?

Want my opinion on the matter?

Of course you do … that’s why you’re here!

My opinion would be to NOT make any New Years resolutions.

Face it, it’s a stupid tradition developed to help stupid people cope with their innate disinclination to change.

Those that can’t merely wish … the rest of us simply DO.  Sure, plans are good … VERY good, in fact. But arbitrary “resolutions” made because it’s expected of one to do so? Might as well stand in the middle of a busy mall scratching your crotch with one hand while trying to lick the elbow of your other arm … all while humming the theme music from Patton as loudly as possible.

Hold on … that’d actually be pretty damned funny!

Buuuuut … if you’re so inclined to be weak-minded and feel obligated to make your resolution(s), just know that others WILL laugh at your failure. Sorry, but that’s part of life. Live with it and move on already.

* * *

So, what can be said about 2009 that you’re not going to be otherwise inundated with by other sources? I mean, EVERYBODY in the media is going to surely have their wagging tongue moments where they blather on about the monumentally historic nature of America electing her first partially non-Caucasian president.

Of course, these same charmed, deluded news anchors will never look back later in life and realize that Obama was pretty much the equivalent of having ordered an expensive new blow-up “bride.”

It might be a little exciting at first, but when all is said and done, it’s nothing more than an empty shell that’s going to leave one severely chaffed.

Did I say CHAFFED?!?!?!?!

That’s way too soft a word … nossir, what this administration is going to leave us with is going to be a bit more intense than a mere burning sensation …

Speaking of which (the blow-up doll part, that is), did any of you ever catch any episodes of HBO’s WAY-TOO-SHORT-LIVED show, “Hard Core TV” (HCTV) ???

In a tip of the hat to Saturday Night Live, HBO put together a group of writers who, in my estimation, knocked the proverbial ball right out of the park.

There is, of course, a reason I mention this …

One particular skit was a parody of a Biography Channel style  interview which featured a man who had forsaken women in lieu of blow up dolls. During the course of the interview, the man spent considerable time fawning over his one favorite blow up doll, whose name I cannot remember.

All the same, the interviewer wrapped up the segment by posing the following question, “It’s clear that this doll truly your favorite. Tell me, where do you see yourself with this relationship in … say … 10 years?”

The man pondered the matter a few moments and after a dramatic pause he finally offered his straight-faced answer of, “Well … happy … but chaffed.”

* * *

Never let it be said that 2009 was not an interesting year. Oh no, not by any stretch!

Soros and Rockefeller are probably a little pissed. Heck, the near-collapse of the financial markets that they engineered almost delivered the U.S. into their grubby, Marxist hands.

But I promised I’d avoid politics, dammit … sorry.

* * *

Let’s see, what is there to look back upon … IN A POSITIVE LIGHT … ???

Well, let’s just jump upon our trusted steed and travel back in time … (just one year, nothing big) …

* * *

Discoveries!

Let’s see … we had at least a few new species of animals discovered this year. Amongst my favorite was this little gem …

Species: Psychedelia … seriously, that’s the name! It’s a type of “frog-fish” that was discovered off the shores of Indonesia

* * *

While on the subject of fish, scientists in Asia have discovered what is being called a “human-faced” carp …

More of a dog’s face than a human’s face, but hey … it’s different!

* * *

Speaking of carp/koi … there were reports of an aquatic toad that was in heat and got a little confused about which species he was supposed to mate with …

According to reports, the toad literally screwed the fish to DEATH!

* * *

Speaking of sexually super-charged animals, I’d like you to meet Elvis, the insanely randy cock!

As it turns out, Elvis there had such an out of control libido that he finally had to be exiled from the hen-house. He LITERALLY screwed the hens to DEATH.

I have 2 questions …

1) Who snagged a sample of my DNA?

2) Was a rooster the most creative thing they could do with it?

(on a side note, does that woman’s grin strike you as at all … strange?)

Yeah, it sort of troubled me too … … …

And the rooster? Look at him! “I am the Sperminator … I’ll be back!”

* * *

Let’s see … we also saw a six legged cow …

whoa … that’s just freaky!

BUUUUUUT … not as freaky as Two-Face the calf!

Makes me wonder if the same cretins who warped my DNA into a rooster have been having fun with Snow Cow’s DNA as well …

Even so, it would appear nothing of the sort is going to thwart the amazingly Mother Teresa-esque qualities of our mysterious friend who has been widely known to have a passion for feeding the poor …

* * *

But we’ll have to save talk of Snow Cow for another time … (not to mention the fact that Snow Cow is actually a bull, but things just get way too confusing way too quickly, so let’s just keep moving along, shall we?)

* * *

What else is there to look back and smile upon when we look at 2009?

* * *

INVENTIONS!

The year of our Lord, 2009 — for all of its pomp and circumstance — was not a boring one for the inventors of the world either!

In Japan, we saw all manner of robots appearing at trade shows everywhere … to include the adult entertainment industry. Seeings how my younger two sons are like to swing by this blog, I have chosen to not publish pictures of such. Sadly, you’re just gonna have to take my word for it.

HOWEVER …

We DID see the introduction of gems such as …

Yeah, see-thru cement.

Now, why anybody ever conceived of a need for translucent concrete is absolutely beyond me, but in flash of true Hungarian ingenuity, some wild-eyed Magyar kinsman of mine decided the world needed such a thing.

I dunno, maybe it was simply a matter of an inventor who wound up with one of those “Butter Face” girlfriends.

Who knows?

* * *

Let’s see, what else did 2009 bring us in the way of inventions?

AH HA! I have one …

Ever heard of Kenji Kawakami, the founder and director of the International Chindogu Society?

In fact, I hadn’t heard of him either until a couple of years ago. Back then my blogs (and other assorted brain droppings) were being served up (spicy hot, of course) at MySpace.com, and in the midst of doing some research for a year-end blog I was lucky enough to have stumbled across this man and his “society.”

Of course, if you’re at all like me, you may be sitting there thinking, “Chindogu … what the ____ is that???”

Since you’re probably on the verge of opening another browser window and heading over to Wikipedia yourself, let’s just see what the wiki has to say about Chindogu

Chindōgu … is the Japanese art of inventing ingenious everyday gadgets that, on the face of it, seem like an ideal solution to a particular problem. However, chindōgu has a distinctive feature: anyone actually attempting to use one of these inventions would find that it causes so many new problems, or such significant social embarrassment, that effectively it has no utility whatsoever.

NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!

Let’s take a look at some of Mr. Kawakami’s latest masterpieces!

Are you as big of a wuss as I am when it comes to eye drops?

Imagine the lust that will consume your friends when they see THAT device!!!

. . .  remember: a vital aspect of this fine Japanese “art”  involves significant “social embarrassment” . . .

I will say, for all his strangeness, it seems that Mr. Kawakami and I have some similar problems in life. Not only do we both share an aversion to eye drops, it seems that both of us suffer from hayfever AND a compulsion to constantly hit the snooze button in the mornings …

The snooze button on the alarm clock? …

Altho … it does sort o make you wonder if that guy’s been spending a little too much time with Jenji Kohan, huh?

* * *

Now, while the inventor of the following piece is NOT a member of Mr. Kawakami’s illustrious society, he probably SHOULD be …

I forget the guy’s name, but here’s the skinny: he’s a full out geek computer programmer who lost his finger in a motorcycle accident last year. He has since designed (and actually wears) a prosthetic finger which is equipped with a — you probably guessed already — a fully functioning flash drive.

Not quite a “thumb” drive, but …

(sorry, that was really corny)

* * *

Again, not from the slippery mind of a practitioner of Chindogu, but from the mind of a Japanese inventor all the same, allow me to present to you the Bow’lingual Translator …

Yeah … it (allegedly) translates Fido’s barks, growls and other vocalizations. Those folks need to hook up with that whole Chindogu thing.

Ya know … if you play around with it a little bit, you could probably modify that thing to into a device that will translate the latest bullshit from the White House. We could call it the Bowel’ingual Translator!

* * *

Moving along …

One final invention of 2009 that TOTALLY grabbed my attention was the PediSedate!

Look at those eyes, will ya?!?!?!? LOOK AT ‘EM!

LOOOOOK AT ‘EM!

To say that this little girl is happy is an understatement of monumental proportions! Hell, “stoned” would be an understatement …

You see, the goofy, purple device upon her head is the coveted PediSedate.

And what, you may ask, is a “PediSedate”?

Well, it is the most brilliant brainchild of an AMERICAN inventor! Allow me to allow his P.R. people to introduce this … this … MOST ingenious device:

PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the  Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down from its resting place atop the head, PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide.

Yeah, you read that right … NITROUS OXIDE!

Dudes, come ON … a Whippet delivery system that integrates with your stereo?!?!?!

GET OUTA HERE!!!!!!!!!! That’s …

BRILLIANT!!!

It’s actually a pediatric device to help get children a little looped up before minor procedures that don’t warrant full anesthesia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever … you KNOW you want one of those for recreational use too!!!!

* * *

The Fashion Industry!

Yes, it was a BUSY year for the fashion industry too, sports fans.

The wonderful people at Swarovski brought us the Bling-kini …

Not bad, not bad …

The fashion industry also saw the introduction of … I don’t EVEN know what to call this, but it’s (allegedly) the latest fad in jeans …

Uh … yeah … winking jeans. [twitch] …

I don’t know about you, but if I want a butt winking back at me, there’s a lot of other … well … I dunno … I’ll just leave that alone for now.

In an effort to maintain some modicum of continuity, let’s stick with jeans for a moment, shall we?

Now … you know that when a man spies a female body that is to his particular liking, and the object of his eye’s affections happens to be wearing a perfectly fit pair of jeans, a question that often accompanies that brief moment in time is whether she’s the type of girl that wears a thong.

Well, once again, thanks to our friends in Japan, our women-folk no longer have to be overly coy …

Of course, those are really only cool when it’s a gal OTHER than your daughter wearing them.

You really don’t want me to “go there” with that subject. Let’s simply say that when it comes to raising girls, my parenting skills probably makes Ghengis Khan or hardline Islamic men pale in comparison.

Anyhow … since the Spousal Unit HAS been known to occasionally sneak through this place, I should probably refrain from any further discussion on this matter unless I want to risk something like THIS:


OUCH!!!!!!!!!

All the same, those jeans really are smokin’ hot!

* * *

THE FUTURE! What’s in store for 2010?

Let’s take a few minutes on our magic puppy ride and travel a little into the future, shall we?

The 2010 calendars showing up at the mall and local bookstores everywhere portend to a year of old-fashioned goodness and more!

SRSLY!

Really, I meant that “seriously” part … here’s February:

Utah, huh?

. . .

But, if wholesome Mormon girls aren’t really your thing, 2010 is also ushering in an era of other interesting calendars …

Zombies, anyone?

J’yup, that’s a real image taken from a real calendar!

.  .  .

If zombies are a little too messy, how about coffins?

W … T … F … ????

* * *

Now THERE’s an “undertaker” for ya!!!!

* * *

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

How ’bout the Swiss Miss 2010 calendar!

Look at the grin on the goat on the left! I’d be all steamed-up too!!!!

There’s also the “Foxy Hunters 2010″ calendar!

* * *

* * *

Wow, looks like I’m running out of time …

Since Chumly is not likely to take time out of his busy schedule to blog here any time soon, allow me to pass along to you a joke that he passed along to me today …

OK, so you’re out hunting .  . .

it’s the beginning of the rut, bucks and does are running around like they have no brain whatsoever,

you know your buddy is in the next blind over and you’re both hoping to get a deer on opening weekend,

all of a sudden you look out to your left and see this …


The question is …

under the new Fish, Game and Wildlife statewide regulations what are you supposed to do?

Do you shoot the one with the bigger rack . . . or the gay one?


* * *

* * *

Well, there’s a better than average possibility that this will be my last blog posting for 2009. Turns out that I’ll be turning over a few new leaves this next year … some of them not being entirely my own doing, but anyhow … since this is my final sign off for the year, I guess we can indulge one last moment of selfish indulgence …

PEACE OFF!

(Ha! I bet you thought I was going to have one parting “peace off, fuckers!”, didn’t ya?)

A Brief Exercise in Contrast …

6

Preamble:

Please understand up front that the following “generalizations” are not meant to be taken literally. If you have a tendency towards hysteria or suffer from bouts of IOS (irritable opinion syndrome), please remove yourself from the premises immediately.

You have the right to an opinion. If you do not have one, one will be appointed to you by the kangaroo court.

Apart from the above stated blather, please take the following with a grain of salt. When I say “conservative” … I’m referring to down to earth people who possess a measurable level of common sense.

When I say “liberal” … I am referring to the modern Democrat … or what should more accurately be referred to as a Marxist in neo-democrat clothing.

That is all …

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one …

gun-control-experts

If a liberal doesn’t like guns, they believe no one should have one.

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If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat …

vegetarians

If a liberal is, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.

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If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat the enemy …

obama-painting9

A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

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If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly enjoys his life …

450gay_rights_15

If a liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.

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If black or Hispanic men are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful …

ajesse55555

Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

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If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation …

4327_2164_honest-beggar

A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

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If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.

obama-painting6

Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

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If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.

religion_anti

A non-believing liberal wants all churches to be silenced.

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If a conservative needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or he may choose a job that provides it.

Democrat-healthcare-chart-795910

A liberal demands that his neighbors pay for his health care.

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If a conservative’s teenage daughter gets pregnant, they figure out a way to make sure the child will be cared for …

18weeks

… at 18 weeks …

A liberal believes it’s their inherent right to murder that same baby merely for the sake of convenience.

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My folks were good at teaching me to “Give credit where credit is due” and while I have no idea where most of the images I pulled from this hard drive originally came from, I definitely have to give huge props for the artwork done in the “Obama” paintings by the talented Dan Lacey, the infamous “Painter of Pancakes.”  …

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