Posts tagged snow cow

As the Big Thaw begins and the dig-out continues …

4

My, what a busy couple of days for the old Buckaroo here! Somehow or another, I managed to get some work done from the house while stranded in the clutches of the 2nd blizzard in a week.

Well, perhaps “stranded” borders on being a bit of misnomer. The Spousal Unit and I had told ourselves that we were going to stay home Wednesday when the blizzard proper was at its zenith. She had a wonderfully aromatic pot of pasta sauce slowly cooking on the stove and I was bundled up on the couch, goofing around online with a few friends and getting ready to catch up some stuff we have on our perpetually filled-to-capacity DVR.

Besides, bucket loads of snow and 50 mph winds really don’t make for the best driving conditions ever known to man.

Such things don’t seem to bother my buddy, Shimmay.

Around 6pm or so he starts text messaging both of our phones. “You guys coming out to putt tonight?”

My reply: “We have a 48 foot snow drift at the end of our driveway; not digging out in this much wind.”

Moments later the Spousal Unit gets a message from Shimmay: “I’ll be there in 25 minutes to pick you guys up.”

So much for a quiet nice at la casa del Buck …

But who am I to turn down an adventure on night like this, right???

And quite the adventure it turned out  to be. I dare say Shimmay had the biggest challenges keeping his happy face on; not only did his beloved Washington Caps lose to a bunch of drunken bastards from Canadia, we had a couple of interesting characters already playing on “our” GT machine upon arrival. The round table behind the playing area was loaded with almost a dozen recently departed Budweiser’s, several loaded ash trays, a few packs of cigarettes, a c0uple Starbuck’s gift cards (that’s what most of us here in town use for Golden Tee identification purposes) and various other personal effects. Not meaning to make the pub sound unkempt, but they were seriously under-staffed and damned near packed to capacity.

The denziens of Leesburg had been trapped for days on end, some on unplowed roads and without electricity for much of that time.  Spanky’s, as it turns out, was not only the ONLY place in town open that night, there was not a single day in the midst of these historic back-to-back blizzards where Spanky’s failed to open its doors for business. Word of this evidently spread wide across the county and it was THE destination of anyone stupid enough to be on the road that night.

And before you even start wondering if the owner is some sort of an evil ogre, I need to point out that he — at the onset of both storms — called his staff and told them to stay home, stay warm and stay safe.

Bartenders don’t roll like that, though. Not when bartenders like ours are dealing with a drinking community like THIS!

But back to the two guys at our beloved Golden Tee machine …

With most garden variety non-regulars, this would not be a problem; especially when it’s only 2 or 3 players. Most times, asking if one (or two) of us can jump in causes most players to defer and pass the table to us at the end of their game. In some cases, though, they do invite me/us to play and that is usually a one time event.

Except when the “outsider(s)” happen to be really good players. But that’s another blog for another time … when it comes to the dredges of GT, most competitively minded people really don’t enjoy being trounced by 20 strokes and more. It’s downright humiliating and I don’t mind being the Giver of said humiliation; it almost always results in them walking away and opening the machine for me and the rest of my friends to play. BUT … you might want to know that I do so in a very polite, gentlemanly manner. That’s just who I am and, therefore, how I naturally behave as a result.

Wednesday, however, was not one of the nights where the machine was going to be easily relinquished. Instead of garden variety outsiders, we had two familiar faces from our recent past to contend with. One being a very recent addition to the mix and the other a sometimes notorious figure from my semi-recent past, as well as Shimmay’s.

His name is Jason.

Evil JasonMany people just don’t quite get Jason, which is a shame. To keep it short, there are two sides to this young man. There’s the Good Jason (the sober guy), and then, when things have piled up in his life and he’s overwhelmed, he hits the bottle with reckless abandon giving rise to Evil Jason.

And nobody likes to be around Evil Jason.

There are those with whom he argues with almost anything said in a viciously combative manner. For reasons I won’t expound upon here, the chemistry that particular evening brought out that very side of Evil Jason that night and Shimmay was the party towards which EJ’s combativeness was directed. Fortunately for me, Jason doesn’t play that way with me. I think our history goes back far enough and on a personal enough of a level that there’s some odd modicum of respect between the two of us.

But anyhow …

As if having a two-out-of-three sheets to the wind Evil Jason on our hands weren’t bad enough, his new best-buddy and GT opponent du jour was a 6’8″, square-jawed, behemoth of a young man we had dubbed — for obvious reasons — Yetti.

We met the Yetti — who would later be re-dubbed “lil B” — during the previous storm less than a week earlier. He works for the postal service yet lives in a town almost an hour from his office here in Leesburg. When major snow storms or ice storms are in the forecast, he will usually stay at a hotel just around the corner from Spanky’s and take advantage of not having to drive. Let’s just say that he is a very loud, albeit wonderfully pleasant, and insanely distractable human being when he dives headlong into the fire water.

After several beers he turns into a freak of a social butterfly and this, as you might imagine, is NOT conducive to a well paced game of Golden Tee. In fact, when playing with people who are orders of magnitude lessor of a player AND you’re having to repeatedly call them back to the table to take their turn, it can get more than mildly irritating.

After a brief exchange in private, Evil Jason decided he was going to go ahead and call it a night. Unfortunately, lil B was now in the mood to start ordering everybody rounds of shots … and was clearly still in the mood to play more GT. We humored the Yetti for one more game but I dare say I may have put a bit of a wrinkle in our budding potential friendship by dealing him OUT of the next game while he was off taking a bathroom break. When he returned I pointed out that it had taken almost an HOUR AND A HALF to play the previous round (thanks to his terrier-like propensity towards terminal distractability) and that the 3 of us really needed to pick up the pace if we were going to get home at a decent hour.

He took it like a goodly hearted dude … and, I’m sad to say, said “decent hour” never quite materialized.

But we played pretty well once the pace actually picked up! :o)

HOWEVER … the combination of Mama-Buck not having to worry about staying in a safe-to-drive condition, the shots purchased for us through the evening, and the wonders of having an empty tummy prior to epic moments of imbibing, saw her eventually reach a place where she pulled me aside, and in a dead serious tone exclaimed, “I THINK SOMEONE SLIPPED SOMETHING INTO ONE OF MY DRINKS!”

There is a very, very weird couple that has been visiting our fair little pub of late, and they really creep me out more than your run-of-the-mill oddball at a bar. As I got to thinking about it, though, there would be no plausible explanation for slipping my girl a Mickey as they had no angle to capitalize on something like that.

As we got to talking more, it became increasingly clear that her sense were being assaulted by a barrage of subatomic anomalies of some sort and was, therefore, clinically not sober. She started chugging a bunch of water and ordered some fries and well before the end of that particular round of Golden Tee, she was feeling kinda, somewhat, sorta grounded again.

I qualified so heavily because as Shimmay drove us home a little later she had him stop the vehicle on more than one occasion claiming to have just seen a snow frog hopping across the snow and ice covered streets.

In fact, she was so insistent, even the next morning, that I guess she must’ve seen a couple mice or some other small animals dashing across the road, disoriented by the wind and blowing snow.

. . .

As I mentioned in a recent blog post, I am the newest member of SharkBait Productions as well as the Recovery Channel®. Mikey Rez is currently working on a faux’cumentary of the Blizzards of 2010. Here’s an exclusive sneak preview of a rough draft or a proposed narrative for a voice over of the opening moments of a film that may, or may not, be about the recent Snowpocalypse, the target rich environment that our town has been for any would-be snow shark hunters, or have any relation to the resulting snowcano that was deposited in our fair town this past week …

(your thoughts on the following piece are encouraged and would be warmly welcomed)

. . .

North America has been gripped by a series of weather events of historic proportions. Unless you’ve been living in a cave or, perhaps, a self-induced coma, it is impossible for you not to be aware of this.

But then again, there’s surely at least one reason why you are watching …

The Recovery Channel

As our solar system spins and wobbles its way through its light years long orbit through the Milky Way, it crosses through regions of intense quantum instability. These thin, unstable ribbons of subatomic debris interfere with our atmosphere in a manner similar to the way in which photons from our own warming star, the Sun, interact with our ionosphere and atmosphere.

In essence giving us the quantum equivalent of an aurora borealis event.

Unlike the benign light shows generated by the polar auroras, these quantum disturbances affect not only the weather patterns of our planet, but the psyche of most life forms that inhabit it.

One of the most unstable manifestations is known as a QAGE (pronounced “cage”): a Quantum Alignment Glacial Event.

.

The surface of our planet is encased in an infinitely thin skin of subatomic energy. Under normal conditions this thin veil eludes observation and is not given even a single thought.

However, when Earth collides with one of these ribbons of subatomic debris — the tail-like remnants of a deceased black hole — pockets within this thin skin of energy react and sets into motion the spontaneous creation of anti-matter.

Should this process last for more than 7 picoseconds – a picosecond being a mere one trillionth, or one millionth of one millionth of a second – quantum volcanic eruptions tend to occur.

And thus the otherwise infertile ground gives birth to a QAGE.

Loudoun County Virginia was witness to one such event during the second blizzard of 2010. In its wake, a flaccid quantum volcano that some of the local recovery refugees dubbed …

Mt. Snowsuvius!

We were there to film the historic ascent to the summit of this freakish quantum phenomenon that has less probability of occurring than a convention of Gay Jewish Muslims for Christ.

. . .

… stay tuned.

.

Seriously … Mikey Rez has already filmed the ascent, put together various interviews with locals, at least one sherpa and more. Tune in to The Recovery Channel and find out more …

Until then …

PEACE OFF!


The Real Message …

9

Did you watch the Super Bowl yesterday? OMB, there was that little piece on the Budweiser horse and the bull, following them from childhood on up … ?

DUDE … that was SNOW COW!

But you probably knew that already …

. . .

As *I* expected, it was a damn fine game. As much as I nodded in deference to those who said they believed it was going to be a Colts blow-out, there is no denying the fact that the Saints DO have a strong defense, and when their offense is in “explosive mode” … well, look out!

And as it turns out, it was a clutch play by the defense that make it a lights out event for Mr. Peyton and his MORE than respectable Indianapolis Colts.

Kudos on a game well played, gentleMEN!

HOWEVER …

Did you catch the theme of the ads from last night?

As you know, the Super Bowl is more about the advertisements than it is the game any more.

But to try and stay on point …

It was clear, to me at least, the a very blunt message was being sent to the American man as a collective whole:

Men … quit being such a bunch of pussies!

That’s right, America … we need to take our masculinity back. For several decades we’ve suffered the slings and arrows of political correctness and hysteric, overly “liberated” female extremists who have been downright psychopathic in their efforts to strip our society of its masculinity.

Metrosexual?

Give me a break, dude … a fag is a fag, and I’m not talking about Brit slang for cigarette.

If it tries to look like a woman and act like a woman, yet it has a penis … it’s queer, plain as that.

Hetero men these days are expected to grow up to either become emasculated pet husbands or timid little bachelors who are to be quiet and take whatever is handed to them without question.

I’m sorry, but that’s just not right.

Tell ME that this commercial doesn’t say it all …

Men, put your pants back on, okay? I don’t know about you, but I am NOT settling for some stupid car (granted, that actually is a really fun car … one of my best friends owns one and I’m more than a little impressed!)

BUT ANYHOW …

Quite frankly, we cow-tow to too much.

Not saying that any of the things that guy mentioned are horrible … but only in the appropriate setting rather than as a general rule.

Granted, some things must remain the way it has always been.

EXAMPLE …

Let’s say your wife or girlfriend asks you, “Does this make me look fat?”

I don’t care if it makes she look like the result of a genetically engineered cross between a jellyfish and a human, you NEVER answer that one in the affirmative.

Now that I have every overly liberated woman on the planet pissed off, let’s dive out of harms way and enjoy a rittle ROR!

Unquestionably one of my favorite commercials last night!


Come on, you know that that was:


Alright, I’ve still got 3 feet of snow to deal with … and now they’re calling for another foot or more starting tomorrow.

Seriously, this IS the Snowpocolypse!

Until next time …

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!

OMFB, It’s the Snowpocalypse!

10

Oh … my … freaking … BOB!

So much for the brilliant idea of driving across town to bring one of my servers online. I’ll try that trip to the office some other time; the roads are downright treacherous!

Treacherous, I say!

So, we’re quickly approaching “storm of the century” status. The measurements I took a couple hours ago averaged roughly 27 inches and I dare say we’ve seen no less than another 2 inches ever since. And they’re calling for up to another foot now that the storm has stalled over the D.C. area!

. . .

My animals are not the smartest that ever lived, they proved as much today!

Sparky, my Jack Russell, decided she was going to follow me when I attempted to drive across town earlier. I had no idea until I got home 20 minutes or so later. She was a couple blocks from the house following in the tracks left by my truck. To her it must have felt like traversing a major glacial crevace!

All the same, it was funny as all get-out seeing her try to run away from the truck as I came lumbering back up the hill through the neighborhood.

Mr. Floyd, our bigass white tomcat thought he’d get a bit adventurous too. I let him and Sparky out at the same time this morning and sort of forgot about them while I extricating the truck from its snowy grave.

Floyd, as is his habit, started his first outing of the day by dashing across the porch and jumping onto the fence, using the guard rail on the porch as a halfway point to propel himself off of.

He then made the perfectly less than advisable decision to jump off his narrow 6 foot tall perch onto what he thought was terra firma.

Nothing could be further from the truth!

He eventually made his way to the door on the back deck about an hour later! LOL

Bear in mind, we’re talking over two feet of snow and significantly deeper drifts!

Both of those buggers were lucky to have lived. With a Nor’easter of biblical proportions like the one we’re buried in now comes the inevitable visitations of the snow sharks …

But this isn’t just any snow storm …

it’s…

the Snowpocalypse!

As I made my up the hill here in the neighborhood I saw a small white figure out of the corner of my eye. In total Steve Irwin style I jumped out of the truck and started digging into the snow bank. Thank god I had my camera!

The last time I saw a snow turtle was in 1979 … and I was as high as giraffe pussy that night.

Same night I was introduced to the snow frog.

It’s probably no coincidence that this plague of snow frogs we’re experiencing comes on the heels of an evening whereupon I drank entirely too much beer and ate far too much chili.

Here’s just the ones that I pulled off the windshield of my truck this morning:

This storm is so intense that we’ve seen the return of the greater Loudoun glacier! So, maybe that whole thing I had about global warming a few weeks ago was just an inconvenient joke.

Some of the rarer species of snow animals only come out when the accumulation totals are 20 inches and more. Today we are witnessing some species that were previous thought extinct.

Shortly before sunrise I was assaulted and later violated by the greater Loudoun mountain snowrilla …

Believe it or not, the Snow Joey is actually the marsupial equivalent of the hyena. While I was being humiliated and emotionally scared for life by the snowrilla, a pair of snow Joeys stood guard and just cackled like the foul beasts they are …

And the biggest risk of all is the single deadliest animal in the snow kingdom.

Don’t venture out into this stuff today if you don’t have to. When this snow gets this deep, the risk of attack becomes almost inevitable.

Yes, sports fans … the snow snake.

What is amazing about the snow snake is that it is the deadliest snake on Earth. What makes that amazing is the fact that they have no fangs, no venom, and they do not constrict their prey like the python and constrictor species.

Yet they are the deadliest snake on Earth …

Typically, snow snakes dine on the pygmy snow monkey …

If you’ve never tried them before, you must! They taste great, not too filling, and goes perfect with cheap beer and peanuts! I prefer them sushimi style, but they fry up really well too.

. . .

With light snow falls of several inches or less, snow snakes pose little to no threat. As the depth increases so too does the risk of attack.

Hey cool, Jay Bizzle and Eh’mi just showed up. Big balls those two, made it all the way up the hill without an attack. Must’ve been the smell of bacon that lead them up the hill.

I dare say Spanky’s is about the only place in the entire county that’s open today and it sounds like we’re following Jay Bizzle and his bride out for round two.

Well, folks … I guess I best take a quick shower and strap on the snow boots.

. . .

You’re probably wondering how it is that the snow snake can be the deadliest snake on Earth if it can’t bite and doesn’t constrict, huh?

It crawls up your ass and freezes you to death.

True story, but that’ll have to wait for some other blog some other time.

Stay warm, sports fans!

And don’t go out on the roads unless you HAVE to.

Or if you’re headed out to Spanky’s. We’ll check in again later!

We interrupt this blog … (Reading is Fun’Demental)

9

START Buck’s INTRO:

How’day, all …

If you haven’t checked Nuthin’s latest post, then you NEED to CLICK HERE and go check it out before continuing. Go ahead, go check it out … we’ll wait fo ya!

We’re cool like that.

Ok, you’re back!

Yay.

. . . drum roll please! . . .

Ladies and gentlemen …

Boys and girls …

Children of all ages!!!

Allow me to present to you my dear and personal friend:

CLICK TO ENLARGE!Jay Bizzle.

Some of you know may him as “Jay Bizzle”; most of you probably have absolutely no idea who he is.

And that’s okay; we don’t expect you to remember everything. I mean, let’s face it … some of you are highly afflicted members of the “A.D.D. FOR LIF … oh wow, check out the kitty” club …

and some of you are just hopeless slackie pot-heads …

hell, some of you don’t even actually read these posts in their entirety. Like a mentally challenged child in the waiting room of the free clinic, you’re just interested in the pictures; and that’s ok!

But anyhow …

Jay Bizzle is a good friend of mine. He’s a charter member of the annual tuna expedition to the Outer Banks (my local friends and long time readers know to what I refer). A while back I invited him to consider becoming a contributor to this little corner we all share here in the deepest, darkest dredges of cybespace, and last night he actually took me up on my offer!

So, all riff-raff and ego-stroking aside … grab your favorite beverage of choice … kick off your shoes … take a load of them dogs and let’s enjoy a few meanderings from my good friend, Jay Bizzle!

//END Buck’s INTRO

* * * * * * * *

Reading is Fun’Demental

When the Miz Biz is not yelling at me,  I love to read.  And I love to read just about anything from cereal boxes to road signs.  I’ve come across a few items I’d like to share with Buck and his world.  All the voices in my head have had their “B” hits so they are clam and will allow me to share.

With out further adieu …

Item One.

I want to blame snow cow for some reason.  With all the snow we have had this season, I don’t think anybody in our area lost their car.  However some of us did lose our spleen from to much time at the Spanks.

While we’re talking of cars…

Item Two.

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

Shake your head ruefully please.

Reminds me of the movie M.A.S.H.  when the jeep driver kept saying. “G D ARMY” and in the end pipes out “G D ARMY JEEP”

Lets stick with the cars.

Item Three …

CLICK TO ENLARGE! (har har)

Now ya gotta laff at that … I mean, that’s just brilliant!!!  Why was SHE working at Hooters?  Personally I think her chest looks like two aspirins on an Ironing board.

Sorry Jodee, but you got PUNKED!!

Item Four …

still kinda dealing with cars…

Some things you just can’t make up.  Booze makes people do strange things, eh?  If you haven’t done so, go back and read the whole article! In the end some kids were losing their minds in the court room.  If I would have been there — even at my age, and I ain’t no spring chicken — I would have acted like a 12th grader too.

“A Stettler man tried to eat his underwear in the hope that the cotton fabric would absorb alcohol before he took a breathalyzer test, provincial court heard this week.

David Zurfluh was subsequently acquitted of a charge of impaired driving because he blew a .08, the legal limit.

But the testimony broke up people in Judge David MacNaughton?s provincial court here Thursday afternoon.

Mr. Zurfluh was collared by RCMP Const. Bill Robinson after he ran from his vehicle, which had been seen weaving down the highway.

While sitting in the back of the patrol car, Mr. Zurfluh tried to eat his shorts, Const. Robinson told the court.

Mr. Zurfluh said he ripped the crotch out of his shorts, stuffed the fabric in his mouth, then spit it out.

A class of law students from William E. Hay Composite High, in court as observers, was removed by the teacher when testimony enlivened the proceedings. The Grade 11 and 12 students had difficulty maintaining composure.

“People were leaving the courtroom with tears in their eyes, trying not to laugh,” said RCMP Const. Peter McFarlane.”

reprinted from an article by D’Arcy Rickard, “The Red Deer Advocate”, Red Deer, Alberta, Canada:

Item Five …

Away from the cars, finally..

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

What, did Homer fake his death?  Or was HendelBergenHeinzel spelled wrong?

lets move on …

Item Six …

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

A BIG burrito!!!!  HONEY GET MY GLASSES!!!!!  I THINK I SMELL SOMETHING!!!!!

Unbelievable, isn’t it?

Item Se7en …

don’t worry, we’re coming to a close …

Reminds me of the term “colder than a witches tit in a brass bra”.

Metal suspension and holders?? Are they sagging THAT bad??

Lock with keys …

BUCK git ur hands off Miz  Biz’s BOOBS!!!!

I hope you have enjoyed.  Feel free to buy me as much beer as you want and I’ll stalk you forever.

Stinky finger and all.

Jay Bizzel

* * *

That’s it, sports fans! You made it this far, so don’t be a dick and forget to leave a comment. The form is right below … your email address is used only to connect you to your GRAVATAR: it is NEVER displayed, made available to anyone  else, and I can promise you, it will never be used for any form of marketing, etc. It is kept in complete confidence. If you think I’m bullshitting you, then why aren’t there any pop-ups or ads ANYWHERE on this site?

Cuz that’s how we roll. This website is for entertainment purposes only!

If you don’t leave a comment …

The hyenas from hell WILL sodomize you!

and I assure yo8u, they will enjoy it!

Onward …

10

I awoke this morning in a quiet and calm mood. Didn’t stay out too late … didn’t have too many beers. I gave my mind a few minutes to discover if there might be any remote quadrant of the body proper which was in a state of relative discomfort. None was to be found.

One of the corners of the auto-pilot wiring of my psyche – one that tends to be, unlike the rest of me, a morning person – speaks up, “Neato!”

My dog, Sparky, had been attempting to sleep at my feet last night. Given the amount of tossing and turning that one tends to experience when sleeping on a not-so-built-for-sleep sofa, she didn’t get much of it.

Jack Russell terriers, if you haven’t noticed, tend to be a bit on the high strung side.

And yeah, I said “sofa” …

Told ya, the bacon thing really isn’t going over very well here at la casa del Buck.

(pics here are almost always of the “click to enlarge” variety)

Anyhow … I let Sparky out to begin her elaborate morning routine of divining the perfect points of evacuation. And with this one, it’s every bit as formulaic as it can possibly get.

Much like the directions on the back of a shampoo bottle except in place of “wash” one places a single word that somehow embodies the intense, almost frenetic, manner in which she goes about intently scrutinizing randomly disjointed spots of grass in search of that Point of Perfection.

Nothing less will do, unless it’s a miserable, rainy day.

Otherwise, she invests a level of energy into this search for that point of perfection that one might expect from a knight in search of uncovering a matter of divine providence!

To wit, she deposits, whether by way of micturation or defecation matters not. And yes, the former, in every case, preceding the latter.

And herein we replace the word “rinse.”

Still with me here?

Yeah, it’s Search, Deposit, Repeat.

But anyhow … I’m getting side-tracked here …

The air was calm and the sky tinted with a colorful hint of a glow from a sunrise surely taking place on the other side of the dark, looming grayness. It clearly felt like snow was soon to come.

I quietly stretched my arms, taking in a deep breath of the crisp, fresh air. As I shook my head in bemusement at Sparky’s frenetic search for said Point of Perfection, a slight breeze picked up. I wrapped my arms around my shoulders and rocked quickly on my bare feet, attempting to only have smaller parts of the foot in contact with the deck — which hadn’t seen temperatures above freezing in days — at any one given moment.

As I turned my back to the wind I looked down and smiled as I watched the first hints of snow dancing past my feet. There is something so soothing and serene about the snow. It brings some strange sense of purity and innocence with it.

But, like much in life, appearances are often little more than a mirage.

The snow, you see, brings a certain ‘something’ out of the animal within us all. Maybe it’s because the snow covers everything, blurring all that we are otherwise accustomed to seeing, yet rarely even noticing, in our day to day lives, and in the sudden absence of that which is familiar there is a resulting sense of panic and potential peril. In the animal world this may happen because the food that birds regularly forage for is usually in plain sight.

Suddenly, everything has changed in an instant and nothing is as it just quite recently was.

How is a bird to know whether or not there may still be anything resembling food beneath this mysterious white veil???

CLICK TO ENLARGE

That bird's about to pounce me, isn't it?

Yes … fear of the unknown and hunger can bring out something downright fiendish in virtually any animal.

And when that fear comes as a result of snow fall, that can only mean one thing …

Well, two … if you really think about it.

Or more …

But in the context of this story, at least at this point within whatever portion of said story is about to unfolded before you, it can only mean one thing!

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

And you remember what happened the last time we had a deep snow and the ensuing schools of snow sharks that came with it, right?

Yeah, we almost lost Mikey Rez!

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

And we don’t want that!

[gasp!]

Man, I really need to arrange something where you guys can listen to what I’m listening to while I write this! Oh man, that would so thoroughly change things!

But anyhow …

Perhaps you know how drivers are here in the mid-Atlantic region of the U.S. (and it grows increasingly rude and random the further north one drives. Well, to a point) They can be biggest collection of untrained, ignorant, self-centered, feckless morons absolutely devoid of any level of what is known as situational awareness … and with cell phones shoved unhumanly deep inside their ear holes!!!! These people can hardly, if at all, accomplish a feat as simple as parallel parking; well, at least not without undue anxiety and freakishly jerkish miscues that would make Michael J. Fox conducting a symphony look absolutely normal.

But I digress … my point is, “Virginia” drivers really are a difficult breed. I attribute most of that to the transient nature of the D.C. area, but that’s another subject for another blog some other day.

Today we have far more pressing matters to contend with.

Who will save us from the snow shark?

A mere few weeks ago we were beyond safe as we were blessed by a visit from one of the rarest, most severely endangered species of mammal on this planet: the Arctic shaven snow pig!

And … there’s a little something your old uncle Buck here has been keeping from you.

Olga, Leesburg’s own patron swine, flew, non-stop, from the mountains outside of Leesburg all the way to Haiti … did I mention this was NON STOP??? … to volunteer after the tragic earthquake.

Yeah … it doesn’t take a very active imagination to come to grips with what direction that decision ultimately took …

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

Without our token Arctic shaven snow pig, where then can we turn for salvation from the certain return of the snow sharks?!?!?!

Of course, the answer is simple!

Snow Cow!

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

However …

Remember my reference to the local traffic earlier? Well, just the mere mention of precipitation brings out most Neanderthalically idiotic driving tendencies imaginable from these people.

Snow Cow, due to the uncertainty of this weekend’s weather, instead chose to not cut short his stay at some weird hedonistic resort somewhere in the Caribbean …

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

Come on … are you trying to tell me – with a straight face – that you’d rather deal with gridlock traffic and worse?!?!?!

In this hypothetical question, you’re trying to walk a mile on Snow Cow’s shoe’s, not the ladies’.

You did understand that, right?

Anyhow …

All of this to say that I dare say that I very well may not be getting around to finishing my official blog disclaimer today. I’ve yet to check in with work, no less shower, shave, or brush my teeth.

I did, however, accomplish the other earlier; quite obviously … do you think this much chattery and creativity is possible with all of that blockage?

Of COURSE NOT!

All of this to say that you want to keep your eyes open for this man …

CLICK TO ENLARGE

Why?

Well, D’UHHH … he’s our savior from the snow shark!

Oh, you mean why should we keep our eyes open for him?

Because we want to make sure he is able to approach a snow shark without being the distractions of being engaged in conversation. So, in an effort to make certain he remains undistracted we have to ensure that he basically goes unnoticed … and we do that by keeping an eye out for him and then pretending that we never actually saw him … but yet we can, with a clean conscience, comfort our fellow Spankians with the knowledge that He is in our midst … somewhere.

But make sure to remind anybody that you tell that you saw Him to remember to strictly adhere to the rule that they must keep their eyes open and remember to forget what they saw.

Because the first rule of Snow Cow is that you never talk about Snow Cow.

And we’re not … I’m just blogging … that’s different.

Speaking of which, I really should be going now.

Until next time, remember …

And now …

A Word From Our Sponsor(s) …

Today’s hearty servings of tossed brain droppings and assorted mental excrement would not have been possible without our good friend Mikey Rez and the goodlier people still at …

(click to enlarge!) ... ((please)) (and thanks again, Mikey Rez!!!)

Climate Change Update

10

Needless to say, it’s still REALLY COLD outside … well, in most places anyhow.

How cold is it?

Ask this dude:

That’s mighty cold!

Now … you know how snow cow would deal with that problem, right?

But anyhow …

Actually, before we get back to talking about the weather, and since that image is just a slam dunk segue into the whole subject of “slim pickins” … allow me to share with you an image I came across this morning that seared my eyeballs …

* * *

Now maybe you won’t be so hard on Snow Cow!

But we should really get back to this whole climate change thing …

Seems it’s too late for us to appease Snow Cow … the northern hemisphere is already buried in ice and the other side of the planet, especially for our lovely brothers and sisters in Australia, are being seared by record high temperatures. I mean, seriously, check this out: this is a satellite image of the U.K. taken a few days ago. The entire freaking place is covered in snow!

It’s not just snot that’s freezing these days, sports fans. Hell, some parts of the northern hemisphere have seen entire waterfalls freeze for the first time …

* * *

Hell, you think THAT’S bad?

Check out this group of seals that were almost frozen in place when they woke up on morning this week!

I’m tellin’ ya, dude … it is COLD this winter!!!

And as a little side-note of a PSA:

Don’t let your children run on the ice with chopsticks in their hands or mouth!

Oh … SNAP!

You know that had to hurt!!!!!!

> > >

By and by … up to this point, these are ALL real pics from real shit that’s happening the world the past week or so.

I’m …

… come on kiddies, say it out loud with me …

I’M CRAPPIN’ YOU NEGATIVE!

So, how are some people dealing with these record low temperatures?

In one town in Russia, the locals put together a portable hot tub …

That actually looks like a bit of a fun!

A hell of a lot more fun that what these freaks of nature find entertaining …

What’s with all the blood on the ice block???

OH OH OH!!!! I have a theory!

Never mind … that just ain’t right.

* * *

So, where were we?

Oh, that’s right … taking a look around the globe and taking a look at what others are doing to make the best of this whole cold weather thang …

A couple of drunk fellas in Scotland decided to have some fun on a canal that had frozen over. Granted, the U.K. is getting a lot of snow, but I dare say it’s not quite been cold enough to freeze to the point of being drive worthy.

They, as you can see, learned that the hard way …

Meanwhile, on the other side of the planet, the Japanese snow monkeys are (as they are famous for doing every winter) chilling in the one of the local hot springs …


Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong came to Washington D.C. this week to continue their efforts at legalizing marijuana ..

Now that I see those two pics in sequence, it makes me wonder if Cheech and Chong didn’t make a stop in Japan first to hook up the local snow monkey population.

Hey … stranger things HAVE happened!

Speaking of Scotland, the good people of Lake Menith held their FIRST curling competition in something like THIRTY years!

Sadly, like so many of the other obviously scotch drinking people of that fine country, they learned the hard way that it takes more than just a few days of cold temperatures to make a body of water travel worthy …

Sadly, the town quickly canceled the tournament citing safety reasons.

Ya think?!?!?!?

And others …

Well, seems that some just jumped outside and just had plenty of fun with no specific goal in mind …

Yeah … that’s niiiiiiiiiice!

Apart from the previous image, I’m otherwise with the anonymous dog on this whole cold and ice and snow thing …

There’s a reason the entire northern hemisphere or our planet is experiencing record low temperatures and I can promise you that the salad tossing liberal extremists that are our modern media aren’t going to let us in on the truth.

That’s a thermal image (via satellite, d’uh) taken in just the past few days. The artificial color coding shows the current ground temperatures compared to historic norms.

As you can plainly see, the Arctic circle is WELL above average … and I guess all that hot air is pushing what would otherwise be REALLY cold, arctic air (which is normally supposed to STAY inside of said circle — I mean, that’s why we put it there in the first place, dontcha know) and pushing it outwards and downwards onto us inhabitants of the northern hemisphere.

And we all know where all that hot air is coming from …

I mean, apart from Al Gore …

See what happens when you piss off Snow Cow?

Sadly, though, what is in place is in place … and now we must let nature run her course.

Believe it or not … that’s actually a good thing. It allows Snow Cow to take a break from his Reaper-like duties and it affords him the opportunity to secretly watch over our troops overseas …

(total stealth, just like a ninja)

Now that I have so many friends named Frank it just doesn’t seem right to say things like, “let me be frank with you” …

As you can tell, I’ve been giving this some thought and I’ve finally settled on an alternative.

Allow me to be a seductive albino gorilla and talk plainly to you about something …

come hither

Yes, I have another secret to share with you goodly people of Buck’s World!

As some of you know, I’ve been a rather industrious soul, even from my earliest years …

and as the years have moved along there has been numerous opportunities whereupon I would have a chance encounter that would, as they say, get the proverbial wheels turning …

It was (as you can tell by the hidden writing on the right side of the image above) just a couple of years ago when I happened upon yet another tawdry PETA protest.

And I gotta tell ya, as a guy, it’s hard to not stop and think for a moment when we stumble across any of these overtly sexual, semi-to-almost-full nude protests of theirs.

Of course, us heterosexual guys aren’t thinking about whatever retarded message it is that they’re trying to convey …

But anyhow …

That particular encounter was the closed-eye fodder for more than one wasted seed when, some time later, I had one of those exceptionally rare post release epiphanies!

If vegetarians are, in fact, tastier, why not open a restaurant?!?!?!

* * *

* * *

Actually, I AM crappin’ ya this time around … I don’t own a restaurant.

When last we met, we ended our quality time together reflecting on that which is Ninja.

It only seems fitting that today we end on a related note, since these last two blog posts are actually supposed to be interconnected.

Ninjas are not to be messed with.

Why?

Because they will kill you … and you won’t even see them coming.

Need proof?

Who’s the last person to pull this stunt off since the son of God walked the Earth (and water)?

Yeah, SRSLY … the dude is literally running on water.

* * *

Ninja’s even teach their monkeys how to fight!

* * *

and Ninjas are thoughtful enough to teach their monkeys to enjoy a cold, frosty beer after vanquishing their enemies!

Ninjas, simply put, are not to be messed with!

* * *

Here, take a brief moment to watch this video …

(thanks to MFree for the link!)


Well, sports fans … I guess it’s about time I grab my things and head on back to the domicile to face another joyful evening of packing boxes.

Don’t ask.

I hope to have another roasty, toasty, succulent vowel movement for you again some time soon.

But in the meantime, always remember …

Never forget …

Don’t smoke

Don’t chew

Don’t run with boys that do …

Love those that hate you

Bless those that persecute you

and most importantly, ladies and gentlemen …

have a good day!

* * *

Until next our paths cross …

* * *

PEACE OFF!


Atmospheric Conditions …

5

In case you haven’t noticed, the weather has been anything but fun of late.

I mean , holy hell, I awoke this morning to a local news channel on the television and they were talking about freezing temperatures yet again in central and southern Florida.

Seriously, freezing there is pretty much one step from the proverbial snowflake’s chances of landing in hell.

Now … rather than find cause to snicker at Al Gore because his global warming invention is clearly having a bout of pubescent rebellion, let’s sit down, pour ourselves a pint, take a deep breath and then take a big ol’ bite of a reality sandwich, shall we?

Yeah, I went there … a reality sandwich.

Ever had to take a bite of one of those?

Do you even know what the main ingredient is in a reality sandwich?

Apart from the bread, of course. I mean, you are aware that bread is actually NOT a food group? Yeah, it’s a condiment. In fact, to many it is seen as nothing more than a decoration, but we’ll save the culinary poop slinging for another time.

I’m here to talk about WHY the weather is so particularly brutal of late.

Surely you’ve had to have noticed that this is, already, one of the coldest winters in recent memory. Just here in sulky northern Virginia we’ve had sub-freezing daytime highs and HOWLING winds for over a week now.

Overnight temperatures in Florida are dropping so low that the local iguana population are literally falling out of the trees!

Imagine a group of little girls walking to school and having THAT fall on one of their heads!

Hahahahahaha … oh my, that’d be a hoot.

But anyhow … yeah, with Igunadids being cold blooded animals, the extreme low temperatures slow their metabolism so much that they lose all coordination and simply drop out of the trees like over-ripened coconuts!

And it’s not just the U.S. that is experiencing this extreme weather. Oh no, it’s a planetary phenomenon!

Floods in Brazil …

* * *

Freakish storm clouds in Uraguay!

* * *

Quasi-apocolyptic droughts in China …

Seriously … WHAT THE DEUCE?!?!?!

right?

* * *

So, what IS at the root of this insanely unexpected twist in atmospheric realities?

Well, I can tell ya what’s up …

Snow Cow is PISSED!

Yes, we gone and done it now, folks!

His ineffable name and his sacred image have been cast into a marketing ploy for a bunch of … [ugh], I’m not even gonna say it!!!!

Yeah, “ineffable” … his name’s really not snow cow … you know this, right? I mean, god is not God’s name either. It’s a euphemism … I have a problem with being reprimanded for “taking the lord’s name in vain” when I’ve said “god dammit!”

Go ahead, go look it up. Quite frankly, knowing specifically what the word means will help you get the smile you’re intended to get when I use phrases such as, “and let’s see if we cannot eff it after all!”

Ok, good, you’re back …

I’m not even going to give this ungrateful sub-human any recognition. I will simply state that Snow Cow is aware of what has happened and what you and I are witnessing today is the “ah hell” that is breaking loose as a result.

And now, a word from our sponsor …

I stumbled across an article this week that, shockingly, reported that men — on average — think about sex 13 times a day.

Yeah, 13 times a day – for a total of 4,745 times every year. Quite frankly, that seems a bit on the low side to me, but I’ve never really been one to pine on such details.

This particular study also went on to report that the average man actually reports having sex an average of twice a week, or 104 times a year.

Dogs must be able to read minds …

I mean, as soon as I paused to consider this unexpectedly impressive number … my dog, Sparky, shot me this crazy, raised eye-brow, “W T F” look that about made me cry from laughing so hard.

But were they really tears of laughter?

Wow, twice a week!

Really?

Sadly, I’ve been married more than once. Life’s strange that way sometimes, but thanks to the advent of relative morality and the wonders of a primarily hedonistic society, I am not alone in in this department and, therefore, feel almost as if I should feel at ease.

But anyhow … my point was that I have been on both sides of the marital divide in my adventures as rogue man-child and career prodigal. I’ve been counted amongst those who took the final step of purchasing the proverbial cow, and returned — a more experienced and jaded soul — back to the murky waters of the shamelessly unattached.

But then it occurred to me, one could take the pragmatic approach and average the number of conjugal encounters … but after enough time, twice a week still seems rather unrealistic. Granted, the Spousal Unit and I actually placed a quarter in a large jar every time we … uh … yeah … and on our first anniversary the quarter count was an impressive number. Very impressive, actually.

All the same, it occurred to me that the demographic might well be skewed towards the generation roughly half my four and one half decades.

Sparky, again reading my mind, cocked her head and shot me another one of those humorously confused looks.

So as to not awake the Spousal Unit, I whispered back, “Yeah, the younger one is, the less likely they are to score very often.”

Something foul was definitely afoot at the Circle K …

Of course, the participants in said survey very well may have been including the semi ineffable subject of the all too well known reality ofttimes referred to as being, “two partners shy of a threesome.”

The news article, towards its close, further went on to say, “Researchers also found one in three guys think a candlelit dinner is the best way of getting a woman in the mood, followed by a relaxing massage.”

Yeah, it was at this point that I knew for certain  … that twice a week number was definitely inclusive of handshakes with the little Governor!

* * *

But anyhow … what in the world were we talking about?!?!?!

Oh, yeah … Snow Cow. Sorry about that digression … I sometimes feel that I have this moral imperative from on high, some sense of responsibility to share with those I love the things I learn from the news and/or The Discovery Channel. That’s the reason I stopped to have that little word about the study showing that men think about sex almost 5,000 times a year.

Again, is it just me or does that number seem REALLY LOW???

What prompted that was another article that documented the published the results of a long term (over 16 years) study. The study showed that men who had sex at least twice a week cut their chance of heart disease IN HALF!

Did you catch that? Cut the chances of a heart attack in half!

Sex has long been regarded as good for physical and mental health. Until now there has been little scientific research into what benefits, if any, that frequent intercourse might have on major illnesses such as heart disease. Scientists at the New England Research Institute in Massachusetts, tracked the sexual activity of men aged between 40 and 70 who were taking part in a long-term project which began back in 1987.

So, there you have it. Men who have sex (with a partner, mind you) twice a week or more stand 45% less of a chance of suffering a heart attack than their less fortunate counterparts.

And what is the lesson to be gleaned from all of this?

Women are obviously out to kill us.

But I digress …

Wow, I’ve run out of time once again. Daggonit … I think it’s vital that I reveal the identity of Snow Cow. Our world is at risk and anarchy is right around the corner!

OH WAIT!!!!

Those of you that have been around my blogs for almost any length of time surely have picked up on my loathing of Green Peace. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE our planet, and I am a big believer that we have a morally bound duty to be good stewards of this beautiful home we’ve been given.

But anyhow …

Green Peace … nothing but a bunch of idiots and hippies (both of the aged and neo-wanna-be types) who are being led and funded by a bunch of communist subvertists …

Stay on point, Buck … stay on point!

Those minions of satan were recently donated a near priceless tri-maran to help them hunt down Japanese “research vessels” …

Seriously, that is just nuts, is it not???

That donation was in late 2009 … mere weeks ago, actually.

So, the folks at Green Peace, now feeling invincible with their aquatic Batmobile, storm off onto the high seas in search of … dun,dun,DUUNNNNNN … fishing vessels.

Of course, leave it to a Green Peacer to not even stop to consider the fact that when you try to intimidate a Japanese fishing vessel, it’s probably a pretty safe bet that the captain of said vessel is gonna be … wait for it … Japanese!

And you know where Japanese men come from, right?

Yeah, Japan … and what is Japan famous for?

Yeah … Ninjas.

And those aren’t even specially trained, card-carrying, registered weapons of death Ninjas, those are just a group of freaking Japanese FIREFIGHTERS!

Dude, if it comes from Japan it may as well have a sticker on it that reads:
(you’ll want to imagine the Intel logo for this one)

Ninja
Inside!

* * *

So, anyhow, yeah … some mental midget from Green Peace decides he’s going to take on a Japanese fishing vessel (again, obviously manned by a ninja) in a game of high seas chicken.

as one of the Spousal Unit’s best friends would say:

DUMBASS!

* * *

Well, hell … now I HAVE run out of time.

Make no doubt about it. Snow Cow is pissed and I dare say he ain’t done with his reign of terror.

I promise to talk more about Snow Cow and what we can do to quiet his angry soul.

He’s actually a rather kind soul, but he’s a jealous snow cow and does not like his likeness being used for something so unthinkable and lowly.

Until then, my dear reader …

PEACE OFF!

Rolling Over (again) …

26

Well, here we are on the cusp of another one of those, “Out with the old, in with the new” end of the year moments. Like many other people, I’m looking forward to having a new set of digits slapped up on the calendar.

Seriously!  I started this year (2009) all charged up and ready for the wonders that it may bring, and then …

Yeah … surprised, disappointed, and heart-broken indeed …

Although … just amongst my own circle of friends there are those who have lost a LOT more than I did this year …

Sure, in the midst of the great memories I made with my sons and certain others of my friends and family members, there’s a lot about 2009 that I shan’t fondly look back upon.  Losing my entire Koi population and the meltdown of the waterfall, as two examples, were only the beginning of my sorrows. And sure, there were bigger losses that really chap my ass for reasons that would do none of us any good for me to elaborate upon.

So … we should probably just be moving along then, shouldn’t we?

In the grand scheme of things, there are VERY few of us that cannot echo the sentiment, “Worse things have happened to better people.

Feel free to tuck that one away in your heart; it may come in quite handy some day.

* * *

Made your new year resolutions yet?

Want my opinion on the matter?

Of course you do … that’s why you’re here!

My opinion would be to NOT make any New Years resolutions.

Face it, it’s a stupid tradition developed to help stupid people cope with their innate disinclination to change.

Those that can’t merely wish … the rest of us simply DO.  Sure, plans are good … VERY good, in fact. But arbitrary “resolutions” made because it’s expected of one to do so? Might as well stand in the middle of a busy mall scratching your crotch with one hand while trying to lick the elbow of your other arm … all while humming the theme music from Patton as loudly as possible.

Hold on … that’d actually be pretty damned funny!

Buuuuut … if you’re so inclined to be weak-minded and feel obligated to make your resolution(s), just know that others WILL laugh at your failure. Sorry, but that’s part of life. Live with it and move on already.

* * *

So, what can be said about 2009 that you’re not going to be otherwise inundated with by other sources? I mean, EVERYBODY in the media is going to surely have their wagging tongue moments where they blather on about the monumentally historic nature of America electing her first partially non-Caucasian president.

Of course, these same charmed, deluded news anchors will never look back later in life and realize that Obama was pretty much the equivalent of having ordered an expensive new blow-up “bride.”

It might be a little exciting at first, but when all is said and done, it’s nothing more than an empty shell that’s going to leave one severely chaffed.

Did I say CHAFFED?!?!?!?!

That’s way too soft a word … nossir, what this administration is going to leave us with is going to be a bit more intense than a mere burning sensation …

Speaking of which (the blow-up doll part, that is), did any of you ever catch any episodes of HBO’s WAY-TOO-SHORT-LIVED show, “Hard Core TV” (HCTV) ???

In a tip of the hat to Saturday Night Live, HBO put together a group of writers who, in my estimation, knocked the proverbial ball right out of the park.

There is, of course, a reason I mention this …

One particular skit was a parody of a Biography Channel style  interview which featured a man who had forsaken women in lieu of blow up dolls. During the course of the interview, the man spent considerable time fawning over his one favorite blow up doll, whose name I cannot remember.

All the same, the interviewer wrapped up the segment by posing the following question, “It’s clear that this doll truly your favorite. Tell me, where do you see yourself with this relationship in … say … 10 years?”

The man pondered the matter a few moments and after a dramatic pause he finally offered his straight-faced answer of, “Well … happy … but chaffed.”

* * *

Never let it be said that 2009 was not an interesting year. Oh no, not by any stretch!

Soros and Rockefeller are probably a little pissed. Heck, the near-collapse of the financial markets that they engineered almost delivered the U.S. into their grubby, Marxist hands.

But I promised I’d avoid politics, dammit … sorry.

* * *

Let’s see, what is there to look back upon … IN A POSITIVE LIGHT … ???

Well, let’s just jump upon our trusted steed and travel back in time … (just one year, nothing big) …

* * *

Discoveries!

Let’s see … we had at least a few new species of animals discovered this year. Amongst my favorite was this little gem …

Species: Psychedelia … seriously, that’s the name! It’s a type of “frog-fish” that was discovered off the shores of Indonesia

* * *

While on the subject of fish, scientists in Asia have discovered what is being called a “human-faced” carp …

More of a dog’s face than a human’s face, but hey … it’s different!

* * *

Speaking of carp/koi … there were reports of an aquatic toad that was in heat and got a little confused about which species he was supposed to mate with …

According to reports, the toad literally screwed the fish to DEATH!

* * *

Speaking of sexually super-charged animals, I’d like you to meet Elvis, the insanely randy cock!

As it turns out, Elvis there had such an out of control libido that he finally had to be exiled from the hen-house. He LITERALLY screwed the hens to DEATH.

I have 2 questions …

1) Who snagged a sample of my DNA?

2) Was a rooster the most creative thing they could do with it?

(on a side note, does that woman’s grin strike you as at all … strange?)

Yeah, it sort of troubled me too … … …

And the rooster? Look at him! “I am the Sperminator … I’ll be back!”

* * *

Let’s see … we also saw a six legged cow …

whoa … that’s just freaky!

BUUUUUUT … not as freaky as Two-Face the calf!

Makes me wonder if the same cretins who warped my DNA into a rooster have been having fun with Snow Cow’s DNA as well …

Even so, it would appear nothing of the sort is going to thwart the amazingly Mother Teresa-esque qualities of our mysterious friend who has been widely known to have a passion for feeding the poor …

* * *

But we’ll have to save talk of Snow Cow for another time … (not to mention the fact that Snow Cow is actually a bull, but things just get way too confusing way too quickly, so let’s just keep moving along, shall we?)

* * *

What else is there to look back and smile upon when we look at 2009?

* * *

INVENTIONS!

The year of our Lord, 2009 — for all of its pomp and circumstance — was not a boring one for the inventors of the world either!

In Japan, we saw all manner of robots appearing at trade shows everywhere … to include the adult entertainment industry. Seeings how my younger two sons are like to swing by this blog, I have chosen to not publish pictures of such. Sadly, you’re just gonna have to take my word for it.

HOWEVER …

We DID see the introduction of gems such as …

Yeah, see-thru cement.

Now, why anybody ever conceived of a need for translucent concrete is absolutely beyond me, but in flash of true Hungarian ingenuity, some wild-eyed Magyar kinsman of mine decided the world needed such a thing.

I dunno, maybe it was simply a matter of an inventor who wound up with one of those “Butter Face” girlfriends.

Who knows?

* * *

Let’s see, what else did 2009 bring us in the way of inventions?

AH HA! I have one …

Ever heard of Kenji Kawakami, the founder and director of the International Chindogu Society?

In fact, I hadn’t heard of him either until a couple of years ago. Back then my blogs (and other assorted brain droppings) were being served up (spicy hot, of course) at MySpace.com, and in the midst of doing some research for a year-end blog I was lucky enough to have stumbled across this man and his “society.”

Of course, if you’re at all like me, you may be sitting there thinking, “Chindogu … what the ____ is that???”

Since you’re probably on the verge of opening another browser window and heading over to Wikipedia yourself, let’s just see what the wiki has to say about Chindogu

Chindōgu … is the Japanese art of inventing ingenious everyday gadgets that, on the face of it, seem like an ideal solution to a particular problem. However, chindōgu has a distinctive feature: anyone actually attempting to use one of these inventions would find that it causes so many new problems, or such significant social embarrassment, that effectively it has no utility whatsoever.

NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!

Let’s take a look at some of Mr. Kawakami’s latest masterpieces!

Are you as big of a wuss as I am when it comes to eye drops?

Imagine the lust that will consume your friends when they see THAT device!!!

. . .  remember: a vital aspect of this fine Japanese “art”  involves significant “social embarrassment” . . .

I will say, for all his strangeness, it seems that Mr. Kawakami and I have some similar problems in life. Not only do we both share an aversion to eye drops, it seems that both of us suffer from hayfever AND a compulsion to constantly hit the snooze button in the mornings …

The snooze button on the alarm clock? …

Altho … it does sort o make you wonder if that guy’s been spending a little too much time with Jenji Kohan, huh?

* * *

Now, while the inventor of the following piece is NOT a member of Mr. Kawakami’s illustrious society, he probably SHOULD be …

I forget the guy’s name, but here’s the skinny: he’s a full out geek computer programmer who lost his finger in a motorcycle accident last year. He has since designed (and actually wears) a prosthetic finger which is equipped with a — you probably guessed already — a fully functioning flash drive.

Not quite a “thumb” drive, but …

(sorry, that was really corny)

* * *

Again, not from the slippery mind of a practitioner of Chindogu, but from the mind of a Japanese inventor all the same, allow me to present to you the Bow’lingual Translator …

Yeah … it (allegedly) translates Fido’s barks, growls and other vocalizations. Those folks need to hook up with that whole Chindogu thing.

Ya know … if you play around with it a little bit, you could probably modify that thing to into a device that will translate the latest bullshit from the White House. We could call it the Bowel’ingual Translator!

* * *

Moving along …

One final invention of 2009 that TOTALLY grabbed my attention was the PediSedate!

Look at those eyes, will ya?!?!?!? LOOK AT ‘EM!

LOOOOOK AT ‘EM!

To say that this little girl is happy is an understatement of monumental proportions! Hell, “stoned” would be an understatement …

You see, the goofy, purple device upon her head is the coveted PediSedate.

And what, you may ask, is a “PediSedate”?

Well, it is the most brilliant brainchild of an AMERICAN inventor! Allow me to allow his P.R. people to introduce this … this … MOST ingenious device:

PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the  Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down from its resting place atop the head, PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide.

Yeah, you read that right … NITROUS OXIDE!

Dudes, come ON … a Whippet delivery system that integrates with your stereo?!?!?!

GET OUTA HERE!!!!!!!!!! That’s …

BRILLIANT!!!

It’s actually a pediatric device to help get children a little looped up before minor procedures that don’t warrant full anesthesia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever … you KNOW you want one of those for recreational use too!!!!

* * *

The Fashion Industry!

Yes, it was a BUSY year for the fashion industry too, sports fans.

The wonderful people at Swarovski brought us the Bling-kini …

Not bad, not bad …

The fashion industry also saw the introduction of … I don’t EVEN know what to call this, but it’s (allegedly) the latest fad in jeans …

Uh … yeah … winking jeans. [twitch] …

I don’t know about you, but if I want a butt winking back at me, there’s a lot of other … well … I dunno … I’ll just leave that alone for now.

In an effort to maintain some modicum of continuity, let’s stick with jeans for a moment, shall we?

Now … you know that when a man spies a female body that is to his particular liking, and the object of his eye’s affections happens to be wearing a perfectly fit pair of jeans, a question that often accompanies that brief moment in time is whether she’s the type of girl that wears a thong.

Well, once again, thanks to our friends in Japan, our women-folk no longer have to be overly coy …

Of course, those are really only cool when it’s a gal OTHER than your daughter wearing them.

You really don’t want me to “go there” with that subject. Let’s simply say that when it comes to raising girls, my parenting skills probably makes Ghengis Khan or hardline Islamic men pale in comparison.

Anyhow … since the Spousal Unit HAS been known to occasionally sneak through this place, I should probably refrain from any further discussion on this matter unless I want to risk something like THIS:


OUCH!!!!!!!!!

All the same, those jeans really are smokin’ hot!

* * *

THE FUTURE! What’s in store for 2010?

Let’s take a few minutes on our magic puppy ride and travel a little into the future, shall we?

The 2010 calendars showing up at the mall and local bookstores everywhere portend to a year of old-fashioned goodness and more!

SRSLY!

Really, I meant that “seriously” part … here’s February:

Utah, huh?

. . .

But, if wholesome Mormon girls aren’t really your thing, 2010 is also ushering in an era of other interesting calendars …

Zombies, anyone?

J’yup, that’s a real image taken from a real calendar!

.  .  .

If zombies are a little too messy, how about coffins?

W … T … F … ????

* * *

Now THERE’s an “undertaker” for ya!!!!

* * *

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

How ’bout the Swiss Miss 2010 calendar!

Look at the grin on the goat on the left! I’d be all steamed-up too!!!!

There’s also the “Foxy Hunters 2010″ calendar!

* * *

* * *

Wow, looks like I’m running out of time …

Since Chumly is not likely to take time out of his busy schedule to blog here any time soon, allow me to pass along to you a joke that he passed along to me today …

OK, so you’re out hunting .  . .

it’s the beginning of the rut, bucks and does are running around like they have no brain whatsoever,

you know your buddy is in the next blind over and you’re both hoping to get a deer on opening weekend,

all of a sudden you look out to your left and see this …


The question is …

under the new Fish, Game and Wildlife statewide regulations what are you supposed to do?

Do you shoot the one with the bigger rack . . . or the gay one?


* * *

* * *

Well, there’s a better than average possibility that this will be my last blog posting for 2009. Turns out that I’ll be turning over a few new leaves this next year … some of them not being entirely my own doing, but anyhow … since this is my final sign off for the year, I guess we can indulge one last moment of selfish indulgence …

PEACE OFF!

(Ha! I bet you thought I was going to have one parting “peace off, fuckers!”, didn’t ya?)

Mommy’s Kisses

10

Have you seen Snow Cow???

Seems the early snow fall last weekend brought out our elusive friend, Snow Cow (which, by and by, should never be confused with the elusive Butt Ox … but that’s another story for another day). Please join me in a moment of silence whilst we share a prayer for the safe and healthy return of our hero, Snow Cow.

[bow heads now]

* * *

Holy crap, guys! You close your eyes for a mere few seconds and THIS is the sort of crap that pops into your mind????

That is downright disturbing! Shame on you … on ALL of you …

* * *

So, the urge to blast out some really pissed off political bloggage is definitely brewing away inside. Thing is, anything I’m in the mood to rant about has already been covered. Worse still, I fear that apathy and cynicism is so rampant in our society that such blogs are tantamount to preaching to the choir. The only people reading them are the people who agree … who are equally as pissed off … and still, “we” continue to vote in the same worthless career criminals and ass-hats.

So, whilst I decide what to write about over at my “Politico” website, wadda ya say we take a stroll through some of my photograph archives?

Those who’ve followed my online shenanigans over the years are aware that I sport a rather hefty image collection. Nothing at all compared to my MP3 collection, which is — quite frankly — downright impressive(over 7,800 albums, and roughly 105,000 songs).

All the same, my photo collection is not only thorough, but contains imagines from around the planet … and a good number of them of places very, VERY far away.

In fact, a few of them were taken during some of my shenanigans while experimenting with a friend’s time travel device:

Enough gloating, though.

* * *

Some have asked why I abandoned MySpace. Apart from having already written about the retarded level of drama and worse, I really should add that the place … well, it just lacks class, ya know?

Seriously … MySpace has truly become the trailer park of social websites.

Speaking of trailer parks and since it IS the “holiday season” which, as we  all know, brings with it PLENTY of Christmas cheer … let’s take a moment to reflect upon the little children of the world raised in such places.

Looks like the little bumpkin was up ALL NIGHT, doesn’t it?

* * *

Earlier this week, a dear friend of the Spousal Unit innocently posted  a question on my Facebook page, asking, “What is camel toe anyway?”

I have to admit, I stared at that question and blinked a few times in confusion. I mean, Mary is about my age, maybe a little younger. Granted, she LOOKS a great deal younger than me, but all the same … it’s not like little Miss Mary has lead a particularly sheltered life.

So, since this was asked on Facebook … and since I have most of my family and some family friends linked to that profile … most notably, my wife … I struggled with how best to answer that question.

I mean, if nothing else, answering that question too directly could easily lead one into a veritable shit storm …

We don’t want that!

. . .

It finally occurred to me that perhaps it’s not just Mary who has not heard that particular vernacular …

And that, folks … in all seriousness… falls into the category of:

The Universal Sign for: “I’m crappin’ you negative!”
(because “I shit you not” might be offensive to some)

* * *

So, since we’re on the subject … the term camel toe is a bit more versatile than you may think!

To start with, you’ve got the painfully obvious … there’s the perfectly literal sense of the term:


* * *

There’s always the SLIGHTLY less than literal as well …

Sorry, but that is amongst one of the COOLEST tattoos I’ve ever seen!

* * *

Believe it or not, “The Camel Toe” enjoys a certain amount of notoriety in the fashion industry as well. Behold, my friends, the Camel Toe sandals!

Once again, ladies and gentlemen … I am crapping you negative! That is a REAL product … or, at least, once was.

Speaking of product advertisements …

I dare say that probably never was a real product …

* * *

You see, there are just some things one shouldn’t post on their blog once the cat is out of the bag and family members are linked in …

* * *

Which brings me back to my point. When it comes to posting stuff on the internet . . .

Always remember boys and girls …

… another pic I snapped while playing with Reds’ time travel device …

Missing: Snow Cow!

6

Well, if you live in the mid-Atlantic, we had quite the weekend, did we not???

Granted, our friends from the hinterlands (Canadia, Wisconsin, et al) wouldn’t consider 21″ of accumulated snow to be all that problematic, BUT …

snow-car-boot_1547112i

Shifting the weight … grabbin’ some traction!

You need to understand that the Virginia Dept. of Transportation recruits their snow removal employees from the ranks of Wal-Mart greeters.

If you live in a part of the world where there is no such thing as Wal-Mart then … well, how do I put this delicately? …

I was going to place an image here, but it began to occur to me that such might be a little over the top so let’s just wrap this up with a quick word picture instead.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

That said,  suffice it to say that the roadways around here are still in pretty rough shape. I HOPE to be able to get the old Buck’mobile back into the neighborhood before Christmas.

~ ~ ~

So, beyond the “Great Christmas Blizzard of ’09” what else happened in the world this weekend?

Well, for starters, it appears that the authorities in the UK are on hunt for this man …

cctv-bum-sniffer_1547163i

Uh, yeah … it IS what it appears to be. A man secretly stalked a female employee who, I assume, was … shall we say … more than mildly odoriferous. I mean, maybe there was a little early mornin’ lovin’ and not enough time for a shower, who knows … but to have a strange man stalk about, pretending to be looking at prices and/or ingredients whilst she stocks shelves.

Full article here.

More than a lil’ creepy, huh?

I mean, at least this guy’s not being sneaky about it!

PantySniffer

~ ~ ~

What else?

Oh, holy crap … did you catch THIS one?

The executive director of Greenpeace, held up a document and proclaimed: “This is the single most important piece of paper in the world today!”

What was that single “most important piece of paper” in the world … today?

An alarmist UN “press release” intended to create a sense of panic and immediacy. It’s really starting to piss me off the way the UN and the current Administration here in the U.S. are so fixated on forcing things into place, regardless of the consequences.

But that’s another blog for one of my other blog pages …

~ ~ ~

Amy Winehouse strikes again!

AmyEyesGOFF_468x609

The U.K.’s own progeny of Israelite met a camel and procreated decided to visit a local theater in Milton Keynes, Bucks. That’s somewhere in the U.K. … I just thought it was sort of nifty that it carried my name! :o)

Anyhow … for reasons that continue to baffle me, the iconic Back to Black singer, went to a local production of the play Cinderella. One could probably be rather safe in assuming that she was more than mildly under the influence.

How could one be so judgmental?

Imagine the shock and horror of the children and parents in attendance (allegedly) heard Miss Winehouse blurting out things like, “He’s right f*@&ing behind you!”

Better still, how about this line: “Fuck Cinders, Prince Charming, marry me!”

While being confronted by theater staff, she also allegedly yelled out to the Ugly Sisters, calling them, “bitches!”

Simon Cowell seems downright congenial by comparison, huh?

~ ~ ~

Onto matters upon my own shores …

obama-care_hard-pill

Seems the Obama administration continued with their frenzied push of an arbitrary deadline for this so-called “health care reform” bill of theirs. God damn, that one really pisses me off … mostly because they’ve NOT ALLOWED hardly anybody access to the now more than 2,000 pages. How the hell is ANYONE supposed to vote on something they know nothing about …

Well, okay … I think that’s the status quo on Capitol Hill, but anyhow …

~ ~ ~

Here’s one that caught me mildly off guard. Do you know what one of the most common “injuries” are handled in emergency rooms during the Christmas season (apart from oven burns and people who choke on food) ? ? ?

People whose eyeballs are dried out as a result of sleeping with eyes open after excess alcohol consumption.

Don’t get me wrong here. I mean, I’ve had my periods of life where calling me an Olympic caliber beer drinking was an understatement in itself, but I do not recall ever getting so passed-out smashed that I slept with my eyes open.

Wow …

~ ~ ~

Ah, I forgot to congratulate the Dallas Cowboys for being the first team to come our ahead of the heretofore undefeated New Orleans Saints. I tried watching the game, but I was “secretly” hoping the Saints would win, but if not, I’d at least hoped for a close game.

Neither turned out to be the case, but at least we got a little treat or two along the way …

dallas-cheerleader_1542874i

Well, sports fans, speaking of said Spousal Unit, she should be here any minute now to alight me from my wonderful place of employment and off into the wild, cold yonder. Hopefully I’ll ultimately find myself before a Golden Tee machine before the afternoon is through.

Oh, for those of you who’ve not been bored to stitches with my Golden Tee great shot moments over on Facebook, here’s a line-up of some of my nicest shots of the year.

I hope to post another blog or two before the holiday weekend arrives.

Until next we see each other again … remember …

SNOW COW IS WATCHING YOU …

buffalo-eye_bangladesh

PEACE OFF, FAUX CURSE!!!

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