Posts tagged tattoos

The News as Viewed Askew (January 15th, 2010)

17

So, there I was … it was a beautiful Saturday morning in a tranquil, nondescript corner of the broccoli forest. I arose from my slumber, ever so slowly rose myself to a seated position on the edge of the couch and stared at my dog, Sparky, for a few minutes. She was enthusiastically engaged licking herself.

But let’s not even go there …

So, I made my way up the stairs and attempted to rid myself of the taste of sewage and cigarettes from my mouth (the guys and I made a bit of a late night of it last night). At some point not terribly long thereafter I finally made my way to the office.

As is my habit, I took a little time this morning to peruse the news and what did my eyes spy?

That’s right, sports fans!

Grab your reality polarizing glasses …

… it’s time once again …

. . .

… to see the world through Buck’s eyes!

J’yup, that’s right, kiddies … it’s the long awaited return of the news as viewed askew, the on-again, off-again, randomly-something-monthly, episodic indulgences of news visitations that remind us:


This episode is dedicated to the mental midgets (the “ra’tards”, if you will) of this planet who’ve decided to “go there” with absolutely mind-numbingly inane displays of body modification.

The early 2010 candidate for “Most Retarded Tattoo EVER!” is this guy…

 

Yeah, so get this …

As it turns out, that video hit the internet barely a week ago and it has already garnered over a half million views. According to The Telegraph UK,

“The clip on video file sharing site YouTube has attracted almost 500,000 views since it was posted earlier this week, but some viewers have questioned whether the film is a hoax.”

My first reaction was, “A HOAX?!?!? Dude, look at the rest of bizarre ink that boy’s sporting all over his neck!”

Of course, as is often the case with me … {gasp} … I spoke too quickly.

As it turns out, the question of it being a hoax had more to do with the source of the video than whether or not someone was monumentally stupid enough to have a pair of Ray-Ban styled eyeglass frames eternally etched into their face.

You see, the video was posted by “Never Hide Films”, a production company formed by renowned sunglass manufacturer, Ray-Ban. The question is whether this was a “paid for” stunt for the sake of publicity.

Who cares? I don’t.

I mean, seriously, what’s worse … getting paid to get ink, or getting paid to do THIS:

[twitch]

That ain’t riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

On a closing note, I do want to say that I think some tattoos are friggin’ AWESOME. I mean, take this one for example:

Seriously, is that not downright:

So anyhow … did you hear that the manager of Blackrock World Gold mutual fund, Graham Birch, quit his job and decided to become a dairy farmer?

This has absolutely nothing to do with the last video … or one can only hope … but anyhow …

I only mention that because it’s important to not get caught up in the bullshit and hype of the media, etc. The very fact that you see morons like Gordon “the Jurassic spy” Liddy taking money yo make a commercial telling you that NOW is the time to buy gold is EXACTLY the reason you want to do just the opposite. If something, especially as it relates to investing, makes it onto the cover of magazines or TV commercials, I can assure you that it’s too late.

Just ask the people who jumped in to crude oil futures in mid 2008 when oil reached an all-time high of $147 per barrel. Remember all the “experts” and talking heads on the T.V. who were calling for $300/bbl oil? Yeah, I read tons of the same nonsense in a lot of the financial publications too. Remember, just a mere year ago crude got down to $30.

And I have NO idea where I was going with this, so just let’s move on, shall we?

I really was in the mood to do a news thang today, but it’s just not working out very well. So, since this was an otherwise boring week …

… unless you’re a geek like me and enjoyed some of the spectacular photography of the annular eclipse on Thursday, that made it almost a newsworthy week. Well, that, and the unimaginable number of volcanic eruptions and earth quakes. You gotta admit, that’s a touch disturbing.

Oh, that and the cocaine they found in the space shuttle hangar.  WTF is that all about? Re we running some sort of interplanetary drug ring now or what?

Obama … sheesh.

The other day I was enjoying a few tasty beverages and a few rounds of Golden Tee during happy hour at Spanky’s with Mikey, Jim and Possum.

Mikey (the good man who directed us to the ninja parade video the other day) was – yet AGAIN – re-telling a particular episode from our days when we played pool almost 7 days a week. He was blathering on about a bunch of nonsense about all sorts of goofy things, to include — but not limited to — half of the first floor of a hotel being flooded.

During his retelling of said episode he made the comment, “he had enough to drink to kill TWO people!”

I raised my finger to interrupt at that point and interjected with, “Well … I don’t know about two humans, but a sickly horse? … Yeah, probably.”

You must be wondering where I’m going with this.

Believe it or not, that little anecdotal story was my way of getting you primed to be surprised.

Buck Believes in Global Warming!

That’s right. Believe it or not, despite all of Al Gore’s hot air and unfathomably stupid remarks and claims, I have finally fallen to the dark side and have embraced the TRUTH about Global Warming.

As many of you know, I have been an ardent believer in the cause of the environment. Granted, I’ve been more than a little critical of Greenpeace and certain other radical kooks out there, but I’ve always been four square against this whole idea of global warming.

So, what, you may ask, has brought about such a drastic change?

Well, to a lesser extent, there was the matter of the thermal, color-enhanced satellite photo I shared with you the other day. The more I reflected back on that image the more it occurred to me that all of the extreme weather most of us in the northern hemisphere in recent weeks is probably due to the extreme rise in surface temperatures within the arctic circle.

But something even more intense than that has been the fact that I am now a first hand witness to the horrifically fast-paced melting of the greater Loudoun glacier.

Even before the invention of mankind and beer … one might even be safe in saying since the dawn of time … the world has been graced with the beauty and grandeur that is …

The Greater Loudoun Glacier

(artist’s impression of the Greater Loudoun glacier, circa July 2009)

In just the past month alone I have been witness to a series of bizarre events that have lead me to believe that Al Gore is, right …

Man-bear-pig is truly amongst us!

Granted, I personally have not yet witnessed a real man-bear-pig, but give me a few moments to elaborate before judging me.

For starters, look at what one week has reduced the Greater Loudoun county glacier to:

SRSLY! That’s not good … heck, that’s downright bad!

Here, check out this close-up:

See that “salt line” that’s more than a foot away from what’s left of our once great and monumental glacier? That happened just between Monday and Wednesday of this past week!

But that’s not all …

A few mere weeks ago, my friend, Mike Rez, was attacked and was almost brutally eaten alive by a snow shark!

Now, I know you might think I’m being a little melodramatic when I say something like, “and almost brutally eaten alive” but it’s the TRUTH!

“Dumufuggijn TROOF” I tell ya!

Just as the snow shark (Larry’s his name, in case you were wondering) was broaching the snow-line, I caught a glint of movement in my peripheral vision.

It all happened faster than I could focus, but from the east side of the Shack there was a flesh-toned blur dashing across the snow. As I shifted my vision to towards the right, the flesh -toned blur then leapt into the air, barreling towards Larry (he’s the snow shark, just in case you missed that earlier)

Right before my very eyes was a surprise visitation by one of the most elusive and rarely witnessed animals known to man … mere seconds before he rammed headlong into the snout of the snow shark …

It was …

SNOW PIG!


Snow Pig to the rescuuuuuuue!

Now, before you get all hysterical and start demanding action from the Dictator in Chief, Barack Obama, and his merry band of communists that we know as the United Nations, let me clue you in on a little secret …

These last few pages have had absolutely nothing to do with the news. I’m just making this shit up to kill a little time.

Come on, you actually believe in global warming, the internet and man-bear-pig?

Sheesh … what, are you a moron?!?

I mean, seriously, the world is weird enough already

Oh holy crap … I’m missing the Cardinals / Saints game! I gotta go.

Have a great weekend, boys and girls.

Bundle up, stay warm, don’t work up too rough of a hangover on this beautiful holiday weekend and until next time …

PEACE OFF [FAUX CURSE] !


“Larry” the SnowShark is a creation and the intellectual property of SharkBait Media Productions. Thanks to Mike Rezabek for leasing him to us!

Mommy’s Kisses

10

Have you seen Snow Cow???

Seems the early snow fall last weekend brought out our elusive friend, Snow Cow (which, by and by, should never be confused with the elusive Butt Ox … but that’s another story for another day). Please join me in a moment of silence whilst we share a prayer for the safe and healthy return of our hero, Snow Cow.

[bow heads now]

* * *

Holy crap, guys! You close your eyes for a mere few seconds and THIS is the sort of crap that pops into your mind????

That is downright disturbing! Shame on you … on ALL of you …

* * *

So, the urge to blast out some really pissed off political bloggage is definitely brewing away inside. Thing is, anything I’m in the mood to rant about has already been covered. Worse still, I fear that apathy and cynicism is so rampant in our society that such blogs are tantamount to preaching to the choir. The only people reading them are the people who agree … who are equally as pissed off … and still, “we” continue to vote in the same worthless career criminals and ass-hats.

So, whilst I decide what to write about over at my “Politico” website, wadda ya say we take a stroll through some of my photograph archives?

Those who’ve followed my online shenanigans over the years are aware that I sport a rather hefty image collection. Nothing at all compared to my MP3 collection, which is — quite frankly — downright impressive(over 7,800 albums, and roughly 105,000 songs).

All the same, my photo collection is not only thorough, but contains imagines from around the planet … and a good number of them of places very, VERY far away.

In fact, a few of them were taken during some of my shenanigans while experimenting with a friend’s time travel device:

Enough gloating, though.

* * *

Some have asked why I abandoned MySpace. Apart from having already written about the retarded level of drama and worse, I really should add that the place … well, it just lacks class, ya know?

Seriously … MySpace has truly become the trailer park of social websites.

Speaking of trailer parks and since it IS the “holiday season” which, as we  all know, brings with it PLENTY of Christmas cheer … let’s take a moment to reflect upon the little children of the world raised in such places.

Looks like the little bumpkin was up ALL NIGHT, doesn’t it?

* * *

Earlier this week, a dear friend of the Spousal Unit innocently posted  a question on my Facebook page, asking, “What is camel toe anyway?”

I have to admit, I stared at that question and blinked a few times in confusion. I mean, Mary is about my age, maybe a little younger. Granted, she LOOKS a great deal younger than me, but all the same … it’s not like little Miss Mary has lead a particularly sheltered life.

So, since this was asked on Facebook … and since I have most of my family and some family friends linked to that profile … most notably, my wife … I struggled with how best to answer that question.

I mean, if nothing else, answering that question too directly could easily lead one into a veritable shit storm …

We don’t want that!

. . .

It finally occurred to me that perhaps it’s not just Mary who has not heard that particular vernacular …

And that, folks … in all seriousness… falls into the category of:

The Universal Sign for: “I’m crappin’ you negative!”
(because “I shit you not” might be offensive to some)

* * *

So, since we’re on the subject … the term camel toe is a bit more versatile than you may think!

To start with, you’ve got the painfully obvious … there’s the perfectly literal sense of the term:


* * *

There’s always the SLIGHTLY less than literal as well …

Sorry, but that is amongst one of the COOLEST tattoos I’ve ever seen!

* * *

Believe it or not, “The Camel Toe” enjoys a certain amount of notoriety in the fashion industry as well. Behold, my friends, the Camel Toe sandals!

Once again, ladies and gentlemen … I am crapping you negative! That is a REAL product … or, at least, once was.

Speaking of product advertisements …

I dare say that probably never was a real product …

* * *

You see, there are just some things one shouldn’t post on their blog once the cat is out of the bag and family members are linked in …

* * *

Which brings me back to my point. When it comes to posting stuff on the internet . . .

Always remember boys and girls …

… another pic I snapped while playing with Reds’ time travel device …

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